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It was like a dream. A really cruel dream. I guess it would be a nightmare then. It felt surreal. Like I was floating overhead and watching myself and the people around me. I saw the looks they gave me. The pity, the sadness and the occasional glare from his mother. She never liked me. She wanted him to have a housewife and trophy wife. He told her time and time again that he didn't want that. He wanted a wife that could defend herself if something should ever happen to him. He thought that was me. But it wasn't. It felt like I couldn't even move much less defend myself against the world, his family, or anything else. It was horrifying. All the black. Black pants, black hats, clack dresses and black shoes. His mother had the black veil hat on. Jason wouldn't have wanted this but his mother took over. She said I wasn't up to doing the funeral. She was bad at being nice. She wanted the attention. It's like she wanted everyone to look at her and feel bad instead of his now widowed wife. Widow. I'm 28. I'm not supposed to be a widow. It's just not natural. I looked around the dreary cemetery and looked for some kind of relief. I found it.
"Donnie." I called softly. The tall blue eyed detective turned around and smiled at me.
"Hey, Bear." he whispered softly. He had called me Sara-Bear since forever. Now it was just Bear. It was comforting. He was the only that called me that. Not even Jason would call me that. He knew it was a thing between me and Don. He wasn't about to impose on that.
"Thanks for coming." I told him.
"You don't have to use casualties on me, Sara. I'm not one of your regular guest." he told me. I nodded and wrapped me arms around him and cried. He set his chin on my head and rubbed my back. I felt another hand on my back and turned around to see Mac and the rest of the team.
"Hey, guys. Thanks for coming." I told them smiling. Mac reached out and hugged me.
"It's not a problem. You know that." he told me pulling back.
Mac had always been a father figure to me. Mine had passed when I was first born. Never knew I needed one until I met Mac. I was always content with having my mom. But it was nice to have a father figure around. He even walked me down the aisle at mine and Jason's wedding. I smiled and looked at Danny. He glanced up at me and pulled me into a bone shattering hug.
"I love you, you know that right? I love you to death, Sara." he whispered and I cried into his shoulder.
Besides Don, Danny was my closest male friend. They called us the three musketeers. We were always together. Going to the bar, going to games. Danny was like the annoying brother I was so unfortunately not to be blessed with. I remember when Jason was thinking about proposing. He asked Don and Danny for permission before my mom. They said no of course but changed their minds when he gave them the 'I love her' speech. I pulled away and smiled at him. I turned to see Stella crying. I laughed a little and hugged her.
"It's ok, Stella." I joked with her. She laughed and pinched me side.
"I'm supposed to be saying that." she told me.
"Well don't. I'm tired of hearing it. And 'If you need anything, just call.' or 'He was a good man.' I know these things." I told them. They nodded and looked at me sadly. "Come on guys. Don't look at me like that. You all know Jason would have hated for his funeral to be like this."
"Yeah. Maybe we should tie her up in the asylum. Let the ghouls get her." Don joked. I laughed and they all smiled.
"Leave it to Flack to crack a joke at a funeral." Danny said. I saw Jason's mother come up behind Don and glare at us all.
"The funeral is about to start." she said and walked back. I sighed and looked around.
"Thanks for coming. It really does mean a lot." I told them.
"No problem. Sorry I couldn't let Hawkes, Lindsey and Adam off but they will be joining us tonight. Sid said he'd be there too." Mac told me. I nodded and we walked off. The team went over to my side and stood up. Don was about to walk over but I grabbed his hand.
"I need you." I whispered. He nodded and guided me to my seat and sat next to me. I saw the glare Jason's mother gave me but ignored it. The preacher walked up and stood behind the podium.
"Today we are gathered to bid farewell to Detective Jason Callahan. I've known Jason and his family for years and he was a good man. He loved life, he loved his job, he loved his family and above all he loved his wife."
I felt Don's grasp mine as the tears fell. It was all happening. It wasn't a dream anymore. These were the last words. The last few moments before Jason was gone forever. I saw his face flash in my mind and closed my eyes. I saw the first time I had met him at the precinct. He spilled coffee all over me. He still apologized to me and I still kept my distance when he had a cup. I saw our first kiss and the way it made my heart flutter. I saw the look in his eyes when I walked down the aisle. The way his voice shook as he said 'I do' and the way he smiled when the same preacher introduced us as 'Mr. and Mrs. Jason Callahan.' I opened my eyes and now I saw the glossy silver casket. This was not a memory I wanted to see. Ever. The preacher was almost done when I came back to reality.
"Jason Callahan was a son, a brother, an uncle, a working man and a husband. He will be missed for a very long time. May God bless his soul on his trip and we will see you again my son." He stepped down and the soft music filled my ears.
Well I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this :
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah...
I watched as they removed the flag from the casket and folded it. I felt my heart fall even more as they walked over to me which earned a glare from my mother in law. They placed the flag in my hands and walked off. I looked down at it and saw my tears fall on top. I looked at Don and saw his eyes misted. He reached out and grabbed my hand and rubbed my thumb.
Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah...
I looked back to the scene in front of me. They started to slowly lower the casket into the ground. I heard sniffles and small sobs all around me. My tears had stopped as I watched the top of the casket disappear under the grass.
(Yeah but) Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, (You know)
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
and love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah...
I heard people get up and start to leave. I felt pats on my shoulders and kisses on my head as they left. Jason's family left without a word. I was nothing to them anymore. There was nothing more to say. That was okay with me. I didn't want the stares and drama. I stayed seated and stared at the hole.
Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
I felt the seats around me being filled again as Mac, Danny and Stella pooled around me. I felt tears fall again as Don pulled me into his arms and held me. I started to shake and sob and he held me tighter. I heard Danny sniffle and look at the ground. I knew it killed him to see me like this. Mac and Stella rubbed my back and tried to calm me down. And Don, he just held me. Like he always did. He knew when I wanted to talk and when I didn't. He never pushed it.
Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
My sobs finally stopped and I pulled back to look at Don. He looked at me and kissed my forehead.
"Don, I don't what to do." I whispered.
"I know. If you did, I'd be scared." he laughed a little. It was contagious. I laughed into his chest. I pulled back and looked at him. I looked into those deep blue eyes and smiled.
"Thank you." I whispered. He grabbed my face and held it in place.
"You never have to thank me. I will always be here, no matter what. It's not something I have to do. It's something that I want and choose to do. I love you, Bear. I always will." he told me. He wiped my tears away and smiled at me.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Don." I told him. He smiled again and kissed my nose.
"You'd be really bored." he joked. We all laughed and stood up. Stella hugged me first and the boys joined a second later. Stella and I squealed a they squeezed their arms around us. I laughed as someone's hand grazed my butt.
"I'm a grieving widow, Danny. Stop molesting me." I joked. We pulled apart and Danny gaped at me.
"It wasn't me." he defended. I saw Don stuff his hands in his pockets and look around smiling.
"Don!" We all yelled. He smiled and wrapped me in his arms.
"It was an accident, you know that." he told me. I laughed and walked with them to the cars.
"Well, we'll be at the Sully's around 7pm. You're still coming right?" Mac asked.
"Yes. I wouldn't miss it for the world." I told him. He smiled and walked off with Stella. I turned to Don and Danny.
"I'm going to get going. I was supposed to help Lindsey with some trace. I'll you tow later." Danny said. He hugged me and kissed my cheek before walking off. I looked at Don and sighed.
"You wanna take me home?" I asked. He shook his head.
"You can stay with me you know? Get some clothes and crash in my spare bedroom." he told me. He had been adamant on me staying with him but I didn't want to. Sooner or later I would have to get used to living on my own and I figured sooner would be better.
"I'll be fine Don. Just take me home. I want a shower before we meet up later. You can stay a while if you want?" I offered. He smiled and opened the passenger door. I climbed in and he shut it. We drove to my house and he parked the car. I looked up at it and sighed.
"It's not going to be the same, is it?" I asked.
"No. But it'll get better. And you'll get used to it." he told me. We got out and walked into the house. I hadn't been there much because of the funeral and IAB walking around asking questions. I set my keys and purse down and walked into the living room. I saw his running bag in the floor. I sighed and picked it up.
"I told him a million times not to leave it there. But no, he doesn't listen." I said out loud. Don chuckled and walked into the kitchen.
"I'm going to jump in the shower. Make yourself at home. Don't eat all my food, please." I called to him as I walked up the stairs.
"Ok I will! Thanks!" he yelled back. I heard the microwave close and rolled my eyes. I walked into my bedroom and looked around. Everything was the same as it had been the morning he left. His clothes were on the end of the bed and his bottle of water on the dresser. I walked over and picked his clothes up. I held his night shirt up to my face and breathed in. I cried as I laid on his side of the bed. I held his shirt to my face as I cried. His scent was everywhere. He was everywhere. Everywhere I looked I saw him or something that reminded me of him. And that reminded me that he was gone. That I would never see his face again beside in a frame. That I will never feel his kiss or touch unless it was a dream. That soon his scent would fade and I wouldn't be able to remember his voice or laugh. I sobbed into the shirt.
I felt two strong arms engulf me. I gripped Don's shirt and sobbed. He leaned back on the bed and held me to his chest. After a while my sobs softened and I got lost in the sound of his heartbeat. It was steady and soothing. It was constant and that was something I did not have anymore. I positioned my ear over it better and closed my eyes. He rubbed my back and kissed my head.
"I can't stay here Don." I told him.
"I know. Just go to sleep. We'll go out another night. I'll pack your things and wake you up later." he told me. I nodded and gripped his shirt when he tried to leave.
"Stay." I whispered. He sat back down and played with my hair until I was almost asleep. I felt him slide out from underneath me and start to pack my things. I curled into the bed one last time and fell asleep.
This was the first day of the rest of my life. I knew it would be different but I just hoped that it would be less traumatic. Maybe this time I will get blessed and not cursed. If I only knew how blessed I would be...
Song: Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley