Ataraxia
He was sitting in a corner as to not attract attention to himself. Since he was supposed to be meeting Roxanne there, he hadn't ordered anything. It had been a while since he got there, so he tried to play it off by looking distant on his phone.
The phone was lying flat on the table as he browsed through old pictures of him and Roxanne. He stared deeply at a picture. He could remember everything about that day; the weather and how he felt were so similar to that of the picture that he could almost feel himself regress to that specific moment in time.
It was almost unreal as he zoned back to the present. It left him wondering how much time had passed since he got there, so he looked at the time and saw that it was half past two. She was running late. 'Maybe she's not coming at all.', he thought. 'Maybe she just said that to shut me up.' He pondered that thought for a while and shook his head. Not only was it her idea to meet up, but she also sounded enthusiastic about it.
He went back to that moment. Her calm, soothing voice saying 'I miss you, Max.' He found honesty in those words, but then again, maybe that enthusiasm was faked. He didn't know what to believe anymore. And just as he turned to glance at the door, with thoughts of just leaving, who should it be but her.
He became nervous. He wasn't ready to see her yet. He hadn't figured out how to say what he wanted to say. And just as he stood up to greet her, he noticed she had someone else with her. It was the kid he heard over the phone when he was talking to her the other day. Now that they weren't going to be alone, he wasn't sure if he'd feel comfortable saying all the things he wanted to say.
But once he got a closer look the little boy, it was as if he were looking at himself through a time machine. His face, his ears, his fur... even his clothes were reminiscent of a time in his past, a moment suspended in time.
"He looks just like his daddy." She said as they met him near his booth.
Max was too taken aback to say anything. He simply crouched down to look at his son at eye-level. He watched as the boy hid behind his mother's leg, completely unaware that the man in front of him was his father.
"Hey, buddy. What's your name?" Max asked enthusiastically.
The boy was a little distant, but he replied, "Jake."
"Jake?" He asked, recalling that being one of the names he & Roxanne mentioned when they talked about boy names. He smiled and said, "Well, you know what, Jake? That's my favorite name."
The boy peeked out from his hiding place and curiously asked, "Really?"
Max nodded and asked, "How old are you, Jake?"
"Three." He said a little more enthusiastically as he held up three fingers.
"Three? Wow, you're pretty tall for a thee year old." Max said cheerfully. "Your fur looks pretty sleek too. You must really take care of it." Max smiled before asking, "Can I touch it?"
The boy looked up at his mom, showing a little doubt, which she removed by saying it was okay, Max chuckled and encouraged him by saying, "I won't bite."
The boy approached him cautiously, to which Max responded with a lighthearted gesture. He simply ran a hand through his son's ears, arms, and legs, playfully inspecting his fur.
Jake smiled at the strange and unusual attention he was receiving.
"Yeah, your fur is pretty soft alright." Max said as he moved on to inspect his son's stomach.
Startled, the boy shuddered as he felt a hand underneath his hoodie.
Max smiled playfully and asked, "You're not ticklish, are you?"
Jake cracked a smile and began laughing uncontrollably as his father tickled him. "Stop!" He yelled as his laughter intensified.
Max continued for a while, but knew better and stopped before it got annoying and said, "I'll stop, but you must answer a question correctly."
Jake calmed down as the tickling stopped and curiously asked, "What?"
Max hadn't thought of a question yet, but as he took a closer look at his son's shirt and recognized the logo, he immediately thought of one and asked, "What's the name of the hero in The Legend of Zelda?"
Jake thought about it for a couple of seconds and then quickly answered "Link!"
"That is. . ." Max said, pausing for dramatic effect, "correct!" he said as he lifted Jake, giving him a spin before putting him down and saying, "Well, Jake. You're the most awesome three year old I know." He smiled adding, "Some people would've said Zelda was the hero."
"Noooo." Jake said quietly, "Zelda is the princess."
"You're right, Jake." Max smiled, he sighed and said, "Oh, Jake. You're cute and cuddly, you're smart, you don't say much, so you must have a lot of things going on in that head of yours."
Jake simply smiled, not knowing how to take the compliment.
"You must be the most popular guy in school, huh?" Max asked as he ruffled Jake's hair playfully.
Jake chuckled with a big smile spreading across his face. Max's friendly behavior calmed him down. Any previous sign of distress was now gone.
The smile died down as he stared blankly at something across the room. He stood still for a couple of seconds and then excitedly turned to his mother and asked, "Mom, mom! Can I go play?"
Both she and Max turned to the other side of the room, seeing an arcade area near the back.
She nodded.
Just as he was about to leave, Max called, "Jake?"
The boy turned towards him.
"Can I get a hug?" Max extended his arms for his son, which soon ran into them.
He felt his tiny arms around him as he hugged him back. He was a reminder of a time in his past he could never get back, an embodied vision of his ideal son. It was almost too good to be true.
Just as Jake ended the hug, he sneezed.
Max smiled as he lifted the hood of Jake's hoodie and said, "It's getting pretty cold. You should keep your hoodie on if you don't wanna get sick."
Just as Jake turned away he heard Max call him one more time.
"Look, here's some quarters so you can play." Max said as he reached into his pocket and handed them to him.
"He's awesome!" Jake said as he smiled up at his mom.
Watching him run towards the arcade machine was one of the cutest things he'd ever seen.
"I think of you every time I see him." She said.
Max turned to her and said, "You've raised him pretty well. I wouldn't've asked for permission, I would've just gone to play." He joked.
Roxanne simply sat there silently.
"Sorry." Max said as he caught on and sat down on the other side of the table.
"I didn't know you were so good with kids." She said.
Max didn't know what to say to that. He didn't know either. He sat there silently, but then asked, "Why didn't you te-"
"I knew you'd want to get involved, but I needed to think about what was best for Jake." She interrupted.
As he came to the realization that money was the reason, he simply said, "I just wish I could've been there." He heard no reply from Roxanne, so he changed the subject. "I missed three years." He said, "Even though it was only three years, those years were crucial." He then remembered a conversation he and Roxanne often argued about.
"He's not circumcised, is he?" Max asked worryingly.
"Well, my fiance was really persistent." Roxanne began. "My fiance is circumcised, so naturally, he wanted Jake to be circumcised."
"Oh, no. I can't hear this." Max said as he covered his ears.
"But," she added, "there's no way I was gonna let that happen. Knowing what I know." She said as she took Max's hand. "Thanks to you."
"Was it hard convincing him not to?"
"Well, I found that keeping my emotions out of it and simply stating facts really helped. It's hard to argue against facts like the foreskin having over 20,000 nerve endings, making it the most sensitive part of the penis, and its gliding motion increasing sexual pleasure for both partners. The foreskin also protects the urethra from contaminants while keeping the head sensitive, moist, clean, and healthy."
"What arguments did he use for his case?"
"Well, he said that if Jake was circumcised, he'd be easier to clean, but I did my research and it turns out that the foreskin is actually fused to the head of the penis and it detaches later on during adolescence. So, no care is needed until then. He also said that it would be more painful to do it as an adult. But I felt like doing it as an infant would go against his freedom of choice. And contrary to popular belief, it's actually easier to be circumcised as an adult. Since the foreskin has naturally separated from the head and is retractable it doesn't have to be forcibly detached from the head, and since you're older you can be given proper anesthesia and pain relief afterward. If that isn't enough, the wound would not be exposed to urine or feces and it would not interfere with his human rights or personal choice."
"Wow, you're really informed on this topic, aren't you?"
"Well, when you love someone you want to protect them, so I've been reading a lot of parenting magazines, which brings me to my other point." She said, pausing for a second. "Studies show that children should be around their fathers as much as their mothers."
Max noticed a slight pause that gave away her discomfort; he knew this was serious.
Roxanne looked away and said, "It's only a matter of time before he leaves me. Ever since we started arguing about Jake, he hasn't really shown any interest in him or me. And.." She sighed, "I think he's cheating on me, but what really worries me is that Jake needs a male role model, so I figured.. who better to be there than his own father, right?"
All this information only confused Max more, so he asked, "What are you saying?"
"I know it's a big thing to ask, but I want you to move in with me. You can take care of Jake while I'm at work and you guys can spend some real quality time together."
"What about your fiance? Won't he be angry?"
"You can come in as a friend who will be staying over in exchange for taking care of Jake and we'll go from there."
"What about Jake? Would he be okay with this?"
"He likes you already." She said.
Max turned to look at him. He was playing the claw game as he tried to get a toy.
"Do you still love me, Max?" She asked.
Max smiled and said, "As sure as the earth is blue like an orange."
They were interrupted by Jake as he ran over to them to show off his new toy.
Max knew he could never be as cool a parent as his father, but it sure gave him something to aim for.