Reita's coughing fits came more and more frequently as the night wore on, and even in the safety of my room with the door closed and the pillow over my head I could still hear him hacking in the next room. It quite literally broke my heart to hear him whimpering and hoarse in the living room, I had no choice but to get to my feet and storm out of the apartment, his weak and pathetic voice calling after me as I slammed the door in my wake. I was up already and there was no way that I was going to be getting any shut eye with Reita the way he was, so I opted to walk it off; this unexplainable rage that often boiled in my gut and threatened to take over my logical senses was beginning to get out of hand. I didn't like being bothered by a sick man's cough to the point where I had to leave the damned house to relax.

I stood in the hall alone impatiently slamming my finger on the down button of the elevator, teeth barred in annoyance, chest aching. The elevator never came when you needed the most. It was never fast enough if you were late, and it was always there when you never wanted to leave. How inconvenient. Perhaps I'll write an angry letter.

The elevator doors opened with a familiar 'ding' and I hurried inside the small room and exhaled as the doors closed before me, locking me inside the metal prison. I glared back at a million pallid reflections of myself in the mirrors of the elevator, an unfamiliar ghost of a man staring back with equally as much hate as I felt. Perhaps more. Red rimmed eyes blinked slowly as they looked right through me, accusing me of so many things and yet nothing at all. I hated elevators, and was relieved as it opened its doors only moments later and I stepped out hastily.

The door man in the main lobby of the apartment complex greeted me with a silent nod and I hurried past him out the front revolving doors into the freezing early morning air. I breathed deep, huge gulping gasping breaths of crisp air that burned my throat sweeter than any cigarette and made me light headed for a completely different reason. For the first time in months I had no desire to smoke; intoxicated by the smell of snow and burning wood in the distance.

Breathe. I reminded myself. Breathe deep.

Self-denial is a sad and scary thing a man of my age can come to realize, like a terminal disease that makes you think about all the things that you should have done; It leaves you with a sick feeling of regret and disappointment. I'm twenty-seven years young, and in the moment I stepped out into the brisk winter night air I felt as though I had just been woken, but for real this time. My heart lurched painfully with the sudden realization that I had known for so long.

I had known Reita since sophomore year of high school. We had gone to middle school together and had never bothered to get to know one another, two completely different kids who wanted nothing to do with the other. Becoming friends in high school, we realized that it was how different we were that made us like each other so much. We had done the band thing for a few years, we had had dreams of making it big, would stay up all night and talk for hours about what the life in the spotlight was going to be like, how we were going to bask in it, be in magazines and date supermodels. Well, that was when I learned that in Reita's case, that would be male supermodels.

Senior year he had come out to me, and to be quite honest, I didn't know how to react. Of course the first thing out of my mouth when I had been able to find my voice again was, "Do you like me?", and he had promptly laughed at me. He had said no, a lie that I didn't know at the time he had been harboring for years afterwards, and that was the first time in my life I was ever truly disappointed.

And then began my 'I'm not gay' phase, which turned into my 'I hate everything' phase, which eventually led me to this single point in time. My epiphany. My one aggrandizing moment of glory, batting away the elephant on my shoulders and releasing the pressure I've tried so hard to relieve in my chest. The love I felt for Reita wasn't a brotherly love I had thought it was for so many years. It was…

I blinked, a glaring light rising along the horizon momentarily blinding me; I brought my hand up to shield my eyes and I swallowed the lump in my throat. I had been walking for three hours, I could barely feel my toes any more. I took in my surroundings quickly trying to get my bearings straight when I noticed the small gas station I usually stopped at every morning on my way to work. That wasn't that far away from my apartment complex, half an hours drive, maybe an hour or so on foot. Had I been walking in circles this whole time? The thought of something hot to drink, weather it was shitty instant coffee or not, urged me on and I stepped over the curb and made my way across the parking lot.

A few heads turned towards me as I passed the pumps, mostly just bored with nothing else to stare at other than the pump itself demanding more and more money from them with each passing second. The thought made me grin, idiots. I spent maybe twenty-five dollars every week on gas, and that filled my damn tank. Sure my car was a hazard to myself and any other person on the road, but it got me where I needed to go. I didn't need a shiny new SUV with twenty inch rims that were nearly impossible to keep clean on these roads.

I stepped into the gas station and the teen behind the desk barely looked up from his comic book. I shoved my frozen hands in my pockets and waddled over to the coffee machine and grabbed myself a disgustingly weak cup from the pile. It hardly seemed plausible to me that any liquid I decided to fill the flimsy thing with wouldn't seep right through it drenching me and the floor with scalding, tasteless, bad coffee. I grumbled and placed it under the spout anyway and pulled the black lever down and watched the black liquid fill my cup. Bad or not, I needed something to keep me warm on the walk back.

"Ruki?"

I gave a start, but covered it quickly by glancing over my shoulder with a scowl. The man that stood behind me smiled shyly, his eyebrows arched up in question. I wracked my mind quickly trying to place a name to the face, I had never been good with names. His skin was smooth, sharp, as though he had been cut clean from a block of alabaster. His bleached hair shone sickly yellow in the fluorescent lights above, but I could tell that he must have it touched up frequently by a professional to hide his black roots. No Asian man had blonde hair that looked that natural.

"Its me, Uruha! From high school?"

Uruha. He had been in the music club, a year ahead of me. I had considered joining but had opted for playing after classes in my parents garage with Reita instead. I remembered him vaguely, and it slightly irked me that he could be so causal with me, like we had been good friends or something back then. We barely said two words to each other in the halls.

"Mmmph." I mumbled and turned back towards my cup.

Grabbing a cap that didn't quite fit right, I shoved it on my coffee and headed towards the counter to pay, dismissing Uruha without actually saying it out loud. I was in no mood to deal with a high school reunion of people I didn't exactly like. Or know for that matter.

It seemed he didn't quite get it, and I inwardly groaned as he followed me to the clerk. I slammed my cup on the counter top and slammed down a buck and a half before shoving myself through the front door. He was like a puppy, eagerly smiling at my heels waiting for me to show some kind of emotion I had no intention of showing in the first place.

"How have you been? You and Reita still living together?"

How have I been? Shitty. Still living with Reita? Of course… wait. How the flipping fuck did he know that Reita and I were living together? I faltered in my steps then, and arched an eyebrow at him. He smiled back at me, breath heaving in long white puffs as he shoved his gloved hands in his pockets. I didn't want to believe that Reita was having relations with other men, although I knew damn well that he had on more than one account, but looking at Uruha now I couldn't stop myself from imagining the two of them together… In my apartment.

I must have visibly blanched because the look on Uruha's face suddenly tuned into shock, then quickly faded to mild interest, then back to that angelic smile. He chuckled, covering his mouth with a delicate hand. I felt like screaming.

"Its not what you think, we see each other at the office every once in a great while!" He tittered.

My stomach turned flip-flops and I took a sip of coffee that toasted my taste buds. Gross.

"Mmph." Was all I could respond.

"Are you heading back home? Did you walk? Would you like a ride? I'm heading towards the East End, anyways."

Oh are you. I find it quite suspicious that you know I live on the East End. But I didn't say my suspicions out loud, I simply gave him a half-hearted shrug and turned to trek back across the parking lot. I wanted none of this. None.

"Mmph."

"Ruki, its cold. Let me give you a ride--"

"I'm Fucking fine, Uruha. Shove your expensive Hummer up your arse." I snarled over my shoulder and took another disgusting sip of coffee.

Why was it that no one could ever take the hint? I don't care. I don't want to know you, I didn't in high school, I don't now. Leave me with my frozen toes and get back to your life that doesn't include me. Or Reita.

"I heard Reita went home sick yesterday. If you wont accept a ride from me, at least let him know that I hope he gets better soon." He called after me.

My heart lurched into my throat and I kept on without looking back at him or responding. I would relay the message, I wasn't that much of a twat, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be kind about it. As if this day couldn't get any worse, suddenly I found that my toes were soggy. I paused after I had made it safely across the street and looked down at my sneakers. They were white, only moments before, now stained a disgusting yellow. I lifted my cup of coffee up to examine the bottom and found that I could see straight through to the grey sky above.

I should have known never to trust these flimsy things.