DISCLAIMER: All CLAMP stories were created by CLAMP. Characters have been adapted without authorization or approval, and I am making no profit from their use.

Drivelswigger (n) one who has studied too much nautical terminology

The way his sempai was staring at him, red eyes all narrowed and considering, was - Watanuki felt - unfairly judgmental. "First of all, I would have you know," he declared, and shook his finger in Kurogane's face, "I do not like pirates. I am not a pirate sympathizer. I have to take allergy medication before I go into bars now, just in case that stupid, awful Doumeki decides he's pulling into port and wants to torture me for an evening."

"Oh?" His sempai raised an eyebrow without showing any sign of backing down from his clear assumption that he, Watanuki Kimihiro, was willingly carrying on with a smelly, awful pirate. "I hadn't picked you out for liking it kinky."

"I do not- Aaah!" Watanuki pulled on his hair, exasperation getting the better of him yet again. It was a wonder he hadn't gone bald yet. "That's not what I meant! Shut up! And with that kind of mouth on you, I doubt you'll need much of my help..." After what he hoped was not too awkward a pause, he added, "... Sempai." Slightly too late, he'd remembered that it was Kurogane he was talking to - the Kurogane, who had singlehandedly held off an entire army at the Kichijouji Pass. Literally singlehandedly. Earlier that day, he'd broken his left arm in three places taking out the enemy's cannons, and he'd only had his right to wield the famous sword, Ginryuu, that even now Watanuki could see resting at the ninja's hip. The living legend, who could snap even him - one of the Union's elite - in half like so many twigs.

Perish the thought. Moving on to new thoughts instead.

"The first thing you'll need to remember is that you cannot underestimate the size of a pirate's boots." Watanuki matched his sempai's dubiousness - eyebrow for eyebrow - with the force of his own convictions. "Forget those sensible slippers. Forget sneaking around silently anywhere. You'll need enormous leather boots - the heaviest and clompiest you can manage - and ideally they should look a bit worse for wear, like you've worn them through a few sea storms. Just tell yourself that the camouflage they provide outweighs all the obvious ludicrosity of them." He circled the older man and clucked his tongue while he examined the stealth-appropriate all-black outfit, complete with subtle body armor and hidden pockets. "We're going to have to give you a complete makeover, I'm afraid. You'll need a puffy white shirt that's aged yellow, and a frock coat that's seen better days - we are making you into a destitute pirate, are we not?"

The other ninja narrowed his eyes.

But non-destitute pirates didn't go out looking for ships, which was the plan, so threadbare it was. "Right. So we might be able to get away without the stupid hat in that case. You'll want to secure a dirk to your waist, and you can keep a throwing knife in your boots - goodness knows you'll have enough room - but be careful to avoid showing that you've got any other throwing weapons. No stars, no kunai. While you're undercover, just use those two knives for everything you can. Are we clear?"

Kurogane crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. "Everybody who's ever seen a pirate knows all that. I wasn't born yesterday." Patience seemed to be wearing thin. Before long, he'd have a ... disappointed sempai on his hands, and Mistress Yuuko would be none too happy if this didn't go well. He'd be hard-pressed to say which sounded more dangerous - not that it mattered, since both were quite dangerous enough to kill him or make him wish he were dead. Really, at certain degrees of infinity, there was no functional reason to satisfy one's curiosity.

Clearing his throat to stall for time, he tried, "Well, good. Then we can skip the introduction. And may I assume you already know that pirates are actually capable of using proper diction, and you should not try to communicate solely in the syllable, 'Arrr'?" The other ninja nodded. "How about giving a fake name? Do you know a good one to pick? Not that I think you wouldn't, of course. I'm just trying to figure out what ground we have to cover. Thoroughness is key."

"I'm sure." The unamused and understandably impatient Kurogane leaned against the wall with a scowl. "As it happens, I've got a name, though it's not fake. The 'Pink Ross' went down off the coast with all hands last month. I had a run-in with her navigator once, Burt Bellamy Breath-Wallace. I can pass for him, no problem. And saying I'm in navigation will be more convincing than pretending I'm a sailor. I can read the stars just fine."

Watanuki had to hand it to him. That was good. No wonder people called him the best.

And still those rather unnerving blood-red eyes fixed him with that look - a look like to say Watanuki ought to provide some good information very fast, or Kurogane would eviscerate him with his glare because he didn't appreciate wastes of his time. Damn Yuuko! How was he supposed to have an advanced Life of Pirates curriculum at the ready, on no notice, when he didn't even like thinking about them! In. Any. Way. Except possibly recreational ways, which was a bad habit he was trying to break. And that was just one pirate, and that was in spite of him being a pirate, and not because.

His sempai squinted at him curiously. "Your boyfriend didn't teach you how to sail, did he?"

"Doumeki is not my boyfriend!" Watanuki yelled before thinking twice, and even after thinking twice it still seemed like a good idea. "He is a series of completely meaningless, happenstance-only drunken one-night stands! All right, so we were only drunk the once. And the single nights happen to be in succession whenever he's in port, and thus currently exclusive, and shut up - don't look at me like that! But no, my pirate stalker did not teach me how to sail. Not that I care or want to know! Sailing is a nasty practice that just leads to barnacles and salty cuticles and a chronic rum fixation! Do you want to know what he tells me? He tells me, 'Oh, of course I'm an ill-mannered, lascivious brute. The great and all-powerful Pirate Code demands it! Arrrr-ticle Blah-de-blah-blah says I have the right - nay, the duty - to steal your journals and decipher your codes if you're going to keep them in reach! And whoever said that the compressor pockets behind my knees were allowed to be in his reach! I ask you!"

Stupid Doumeki and his stupid pirate games. The rest of the night, however entertaining, could never be a suitable recompense for the shit he put up with.

"Do you have an article number for that?" his sempai asked while he fumed.

"Eighteen," Watanuki spat back. As if he could forget the smug, self-satisfied way he quoted those damn things.

"What's Article One?"

With a roll of his eyes, Watanuki remembered Doumeki's story about how he'd taken command of the 'Queen Cassandra' by tricking the former captain and first mate into thinking they had a chance at a better ship, and stranding them with a leaky wreck. "If it can't be got for love or money, getting it any way you can is fair game," he answered.

"Two."

"There's no such thing as an unbeatable ship." Doumeki liked to apply that one very loosely and metaphorically, too - to just about any defense he needed to breach. Annoying as hell, that was.

"Three."

Watanuki whipped around into his sempai's face and screamed, "Parlay!" at the top of his lungs. What the hell did Kurogane think this was, anyway? Pirate question hour?

Oh. It was question hour, though, wasn't it? Mistress Yuuko had said so. That was why she'd called him.

Oops. Now if only he could stop his eyebrow from twitching madly. At least the other ninja seemed in good sorts for the first time this interview. "Just... 'parlay'?" Kurogane asked.

"That jackass Doumeki says it's French for, 'You have the right to demand an audience with the highest-ranked officer aboard, but if you do it while you're in the middle of a fight or about to get keelhauled, everyone will think you're a pansy trying to buy time, because that's what you are'."

"I see." Kurogane, whom Watanuki thought more and more was pompous enough and enough of a jackass to pass annoyingly well for a pirate if he just changed his clothes, despite being one of the greatest ninja in history, narrowed his eyes at him again. "And what's Four?"

He thought back to one of the earliest nights he'd run into that damn pirate captain, when he'd been objecting to some of the more questionable ways he'd interact with Himawari-chan at the bar - all the flirting and the hand-kissing and hat-tipping and otherwise flaunting that piratey nature of his. "Common thievery is uncouth. Piracy is about style." He scoffed, rolling his eyes at the idea. "And based on his actions in general, what he means by 'style' is being a bossy, self-entitled nincompoop who doesn't take no for an answer and has no sense of fashion or efficiency whatsoever, and treating everyone and everything as if he owns them."

The next thing he knew, Kurogane had Watanuki's collar in his fist, and Watanuki was fighting his urge to make an escape attempt by telling himself this wasn't actually going to lead to a death threat. "Exactly how much of the Pirate Code has he told you?" his sempai asked in a hiss.

"Ah... well..." Watanuki thought quickly in his head and counted up to the best of his ability. "Of... well, of forty-three articles, which is the highest he's quoted, I'd say I know... ah... thirty-fo... No. No, thirty-six. It's thirty-six."

"And you weren't even going to mention that?"

Oh. He'd forgotten. Their training materials on pirates had only the most basic information about the rules by which a pirate lived, mostly reverse-engineered based on behavioral patterns, which were notoriously erratic because pirates were the most illogical and insensible brutes in this or any other world - no exceptions whatsoever. How were they to have known that if you got drunk and had sex with a pirate, he'd just tell you what those rules were? And would never shut up about them?

None of which meant Watanuki wouldn't have thought of that eventually, just because he hadn't yet. Sempai or not, legendary ninja or not, able to turn him into minced Watanuki pie ready for the oven in half a second or not, some assumptions were simply uncalled for. He gave a great huffy sniff and started pulling Kurogane's hand off his collar.

"Well, I suppose since someone interrupted me to ask about sailing when I was in the middle of the process I was so responsibly following to make sure there were no gaps in your basics, we'll never know. Will we?"

The older ninja scoffed, but also let himself show a hint of a smile. "Let's just get to it so I can go save the Princess."