Disclaimer: I don't own any characters or objects; they belong to Fullmetal Alchemist. I do own my idea.
Author's Note: Sorry for my delay, this is a difficult subject to write. I almost forgot to write out Riza's back story that led to depression, it is slightly different to what most FMA fans hear about her character. Please excuse the heavy reference to the religion on this chapter as well, I do not intend to spread my own beliefs, I just needed it to work with the rest of the story.
I also wanted to clarify that this and next chapter will be written in first person (Riza's perspective). Rebecca's voice will be in BOLD, and Roy's thoughts will be in ITALICS.
Thank you.
It was after Ishval…when I first started having dark thoughts. It's difficult to put a single word down for what exactly led me to them, but I'll try to explain the best I can and it starts with my childhood.
My mother passed away when I was very young, so I have no recollection of her whatsoever -and as most people know, I grew up with my father, who was solely driven by his hunger for alchemy. I was practically an orphan. He was so fixated on his work that he barely remembered to provide me with the necessities for "proper health". He made me sick, and had I remained a hermit as he was then I wouldn't have made it as far in my life as I did.
To avoid his path, I kept myself busy near the church in the village. I planted fruit trees. I swept the walkway. I left baskets of pastries at the doorstep. In the winter, I chopped wood for the church chimney, and that's when I met a nun named Evelyn -I believe I was around eleven. She welcomed me inside church for mass, we prayed, and they thanked me for my help over a meal. I genuinely enjoyed their company, so I made sure to join their weekly mass. For years, their good graces seemed to drain the hate and frustration I held toward my father. Evelyn said that every being in this world was gifted life for a purpose. So I thought that maybe being with them was my purpose, or that I was destined to become a nun. I felt at peace. No longer worried about my future…that is until Roy came along.
Until I came along?
I had just finished picking zucchinis for the bread I planned on bringing to church, and came home to find my home completely lit from the inside. It was the strangest thing to see, almost the same reaction I had when I heard of the homunculi. My father never had parties, so I needed to check if he'd gone crazy and was spooked of a ghost of some sort. But instead I found Roy and Madame Christmas there with a small pack of suit cases, speaking to my father as if negotiating.
I remember, Riza. You came in with dirt smudged on your knees and with your cheeks rosy from the summer heat. It was odd to see such an innocent girl come from a man like Master Hawkeye. Christmas traded three free years at her brothel for my schooling.
I have no clue as to what they were negotiating -my father seemed perfectly content, but what I do know is the result of it. Roy was granted permission to stay with us as long as he needed to learn alchemy. Over time, I stopped visiting the sisters at the church so I could keep the house clean for Roy.
Are you saying he was a burden?
No, of course not. He was a blessing. You see, I felt sorry for him at the time we first met. Roy was nervous -which is hard to believe when you look at the way he is now- and became paranoid over cleaning after himself to the point where he lost track of studying. I took responsibility over the chores in hopes to get him out of our home faster.
You wanted me out?
And again, is wasn't because I disliked him. I just hoped he didn't have to spend a lifetime with my father as I did. So through the years I spent near him, we became good friends and eventually I fell in love with him. God knows if he loved me too...but I'll skip the reasons for that particular topic. I later missed the woman of the church and went to visit them after my father died and I showed Roy my ba-
You showed me the secrets to flame alchemy that Master Hawkeye tattooed on your back.
Your what, Riza?
I showed him a piece of myself that I had never shown anyone else.
Oh, so you guys had, um, sex?
Hmm, yes. I suppose we did.
Huh?
Moving on. Anyway, after Roy and I did that, he left the next morning while I slept. It finally made me understand how other people felt when their own partners left them. I felt used and unworthy. I sought Evelyn's help that same afternoon, but it turned out she died the month before. I cried the entire night by her bedroom, wishing I could see her again. I even wished that I'd never met Roy, so I could've spent those days with her instead.
The Sunday mass after that, the priest asked me to attend for a special speech he was going to give. He said it was something that could help me, but he didn't tell me if was for me. The entire church made a prayer for me and the grief I held over Evelyn's death. When I stood at the front, I was infuriated, but then as I stared back into the eyes of all the people of the church, I realized I was among friends. It was therapeutic.
The priest broke down the meaning of my grief, I felt guilty for leaving my friends -my purpose- at the church for someone who used me merely to get what he wanted.
Roy, did that to you?
Just listen, Rebecca.
But I did treat you terribly, Riza! No matter how much I loved you, there was no excuse to leave you when you were at your most vulnerable. I should I have been there.
The priest said that maybe my purpose wasn't with the church, God assigned purposes for people who needed to share what they were plentiful of. I had lot of love to give because I was stuck in a world of radiating hate towards my father. Roy was the one who needed my love, he's my purpose.
After that realization, I joined the sniper group in the military to guarantee myself a position at the Ishvalan war so I could meet with Roy. In the process, though, I had no idea I'd be expected to kill so many. I was naïve, and believed I could simply run out of the desert with Roy by my side.
I stopped counting when after I reached the two hundred kill mark. I trained myself by numbing my feeling when it came to shooting; at the center, my heart had gone to stone. The general in charge during the war promoted me, so I began questioning my very existence. Why was I being rewarded for committing sins against God?
The war ended months afterward, so we were sent back East City -where Roy and I decided to stick together until we got settled in our own apartments. We were both disgusted by our own skin…we relied on each other to make ourselves feel better…
That was our REAL first time that we made love. I cherished every moment.
Roy was assigned a position in East Headquarters, and in turn let me take the job as his bodyguard. We had moved to separate parts of the city, so it became nearly impossible to see Roy when we weren't working. I isolated myself. I went through daily tasks like a zombie, and prayed for death.
It may not sound extreme to you, but my first and only attempt at suicide occurred in September of that year. I was driving one of the HQ cars home from the market, and headed out of town towards the countryside. I wanted to get away from my thoughts, but it was as if they kept chasing me. I started speeding in the car, and swore to myself that I wouldn't let go of the gas until I struck something.
Riza….
I slammed on the brakes when I saw a dog in the middle of the road. That dog didn't deserve to die because of me. I pulled out my gun from my purse and held it to my head. I almost pulled the trigger, but stopped that too when I saw myself in the reflection of the window. Somehow the dog and the gun made a connection for me. I realized I wasn't thinking about my purpose -Roy- and I needed to stay a dog of the military for him. To protect him until he reached his goal.
I'm slightly glad that I had that experience then, because it gives me the wisdom to help Roy. And I want people to understand how it feels, so they can help him too. Now imagine this…
AN: I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter, but I'll write it out soon. The next chapter should be more interesting.
Please follow/favorite/review if you have the time. They mean the world to me.