Just thought I ought to mention if the SBRL didn't give it away, this is slash, and fluffy slash at that. Oh and the JPLE means it's also not slash, but still fluffy.
You have been warned.
-
-
The Dopiest Hufflepuffs
-
Remus nudged Lily's elbow. When she looked up from her study of '1001 Uses of Garlic', he lent closer and whispered,
"Your admirer is back." He tilted his head surreptitiously towards the back of library. Lily flicked at her hair, arching her neck so she could glance in the direction he'd indicated. As she'd expected James Potter sat there watching her with a moony-eyed expression. His head, black hair a shaggy mess, was propped up on his gawky arms and his glasses were sliding down his nose to reveal wistful hazel eyes.
She elbowed Remus sharply.
"Don't call him that."
"Why not? The poor guy's looked at you as if you were made out of pure gold since our first year."
"Yes but…" Lily began before tailing off because Remus had spoken nothing but the truth and although she found it embarrassing she couldn't help being a little proud too.
"And have you ever said a kind word to him? Or any word at all come to that?"
"That is not my fault," Lily hissed back. "I have spoken to him, more than once, but he blushes and stammers so badly we do nothing but mortify each other."
"He's just shy about talking to his goddess," teased Remus, "Merlin knows I found you alarming in our first year."
"You did not."
"I did so." Remus glanced over her shoulder at the object of their discussion and stared to sputter with laughter, "Oh-oh-oh, don't look now but Lily Evans worship is obviously catching."
"What?" Lily demanded. She badly wished she could turn round but she didn't want to make it obvious to the poor boy that they were laughing at him.
"That friend of his, Black, has just joined him and he's looking this way with exactly the same expression of fatuous adoration."
Lily groaned. Time had accustomed her to James Potter admiring her from afar and if she was honest she'd miss the long-range worship if it stopped, but she had absolutely no desire to add to her entourage. Particularly not after Macmillan's inopportune advances.
She kicked Remus' ankle until he composed himself, then artfully twisted and shifted in her chair until she could allow herself a good look behind her. James Potter was watching her, but Sirius Black, who indeed looked idiotically adoring, was watching Remus.
Lily giggled. She gave up all pretence of working and moved closer to Remus to whisper in his ear.
"It's not me Black's interested in."
"Give over Lily, he's looking right here."
"Yeah, but not at me. Black's gone daft over you."
"What!"
Lily laughed as Remus' eyes grew round and shocked. He stared over at the two boys, loosing all discretion in his surprise.
"Oh my god, you're right."
"Of course I'm right. You, Remus, have an admirer of your very own."
"Oh my god."
"Hey it's not that bad. I'm surprised there weren't queues around the block after I stupidly outed you to that bastard Macmillan and he told the whole school. For which I apologise again."
"You don't have to. And it's not that, it's just, oh my god."
"Of course now I can get my own back for all those times you teased me about Potter."
"Oh my god," said Remus in quite another tone.
"Uh huh," said Lily happily. "You too will have the pleasure of the dopiest Hufflepuff following you about and tripping over your feet."
"Hey," said Remus, "Your admirer is far dopier than mine."
"Oh and how do you figure that Mister."
"Well mine adores me," Remus made a show of flexing his arm muscles, "Yours only adores you."
"Why you!" Lily dipped her fingers in her ink and flicked them at Remus. Laughing, he cringed back, ducking under the table in mock terror.
After Madam Pince had restored order and Lily was back at work, Remus couldn't help peeking again at Black. It wasn't as if anything could come of it, but after all the funny looks and hard stares he'd received after Macmillan outed him, open appreciation was extremely pleasant.
He'd never paid much attention to Black before, merely considering him an adjunct to the Lily-worshipping Potter. He had noticed that Black was almost overwhelmingly handsome, but Remus had never considered himself shallow and didn't believe a pretty face could make up for monumental stupidity.
And Merlin but the pair of them were thick. Smethley in Ravenclaw called them Exhibits A and B in the case against inbreeding. Snape claimed they were un-insultable; certainly his sharp-tongued barbs never seemed to penetrate their armour of wide-eyed incomprehension. The Hufflepuffs had comprehensively disowned them, not that it seemed to dent their amiable denseness.
In their own way, Remus supposed, the dopiest Hufflepuffs were really quite extraordinary.
Managing to actually turn up in the correct classroom seemed to exhaust all Black and Potter's reserves of brainpower. They were reliably on the wrong page in the textbook, gaped blankly whenever the Professor asked them a question and seemed completely disconnected from the lesson.
Of course there were those times when they famously turned up at the wrong classroom. Their conversation with Professor Sangrail, after one occasion when they were third years and had sat through three-quarters of a Seventh year lecture before they'd been discovered, had gone down in Hogwarts legend.
The poor Potions Professor, practically incoherent in disbelief, had finally managed to splutter.
"But didn't it dawn on you there was something wrong when you realised you couldn't understand anything."
"Oh no," said Black with a cheerfully vacant smile, "We never understand anything anyway."
"Except for the Potions lesson this morning," corrected Potter, "I think I got most of that."
"That," bellowed the Professor, "Was a first year class."
"Ahh," said Black, enlightened, "That explains it then."
"Imbeciles," shrieked the elegant Professor, his sangfroid completely deserting him, "Heathens. Leave my classroom and never return."
The rumour mill said that Dumbledore had to threaten to fire Professor Sangrail to make him agree to take them back. The rumour mill had no idea how Potter and Black managed to pass their OWLs. The most popular theory was that their fathers, unwilling for their heirs to fail publicly, simply bribed the examiners.
"You're staring."
"What?" Remus snapped back to himself as Lily poked him with her quill.
"I said you're staring. And looking ever bit as blank as our dopey admirers."
"Sorry, I guess I'm still a bit stunned."
"Well get unstunned, it's nearly time for Transfiguration." Remus looked round to see Lily was starting to gather up her books and parchment.
"Okay. Should we warn our admirers?"
"No, Potter's already packing up. It's probably just as well they have Transfiguration with us, or they'd end up in the wrong lesson again."
"I was just thinking about that actually."
"Do you remember Fourth year?" Lily covered her face with her hands, "I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my life."
Remus giggled. In the Fourth year the dopiest Hufflepuffs had finally managed to figure out the concept of a timetable. Unfortunately they'd decided to follow the Gryffindor Fourth year timetable.
"But I like looking at Evans," he whined in a dreadful imitation of Potter's pure-blooded drawl.
Lily, still hiding her face, shook her head. "I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me."
"You loved it really."
"Maybe just a bit." Lily still wasn't looking at him. "It wasn't that long after Macmillan's carrots slander. My hair is not carroty."
Remus knew better than to repeat his less than inspired 'no, it's more tomatoy' attempt at consolation. Back in Fourth year that had just made Lily cry harder and thump him too.
"But Macmillan made a great turnip," he said instead.
Lily gurgled with laughter. "He made an absolutely stupendous turnip. He's got a turnipy sort of face when you think about it."
"He has, hasn't he?"
"Yep. If I knew who the mysterious prankster was I'd have kissed them."
"You…" Remus was cut off by an almighty clatter. Spinning around he saw Potter's gangly limbs had come to grief again; he'd managed to upset his pile of books all over Madam Pince's desk.
"Sorry Madam," stuttered Potter, grabbing at the books. On flailing arm caught the library's elaborate inkwell and sent black ink slopping across the counter.
"Stop try-ing to hel-p," said Madam Pince with the glacial calm of the homicidally inclined.
"Sorry." Potter jerked away and brought the filing system down with him.
"Out!" shrieked Madam Pince, "Now!"
Potter ducked his head apologetically and scurried backwards out the door to join Black in the corridor.
"Can we help at all, Madam Pince," said Remus.
"No," snapped the librarian. She turned around and saw who'd spoken. "I'm sorry Remus, but right now I don't want to see any students. Ever. Again."
"Yes Madam." He and Lily left her to fix her ruined desk and hurried out the library. Potter and Black had already disappeared.
"Those two are a total menace," said Lily.
"Not arguing," said Remus.
They didn't see them again until Transfiguration. Remus couldn't help twisting in his front seat until he could see Black tucked away at the very back.
Neither Black or Potter were making the slightest attempt at turning their hedgehogs into hairbrushes. Potter was feeding his bits of a broken biscuit. Black held his in one hand and was petting its tiny face with the other. It was easily the happiest hedgehog in the room.
Sadly Professor McGonagall didn't seem to feel this was an achievement.
"Mr Black, Mr Potter, would you at least try to begin your transfiguration."
"Sorry Professor," said Black, "But Freckles doesn't feel like being a hairbrush today."
Remus thought his hedgehog, curled into a tight defensive ball, would have sympathy with that viewpoint. Professor McGonagall didn't. She closed her eyes tightly, muttered something under her breath and stalked away. Black tickled his hedgehog's stomach and filched some of Potter's biscuit to feed it.
"Mr Lupin, why have you not made a start on this assignment?"
Abruptly recalled to the task in hand Remus stammered an apology.
"I'm sorry Professor, I just can't seem to manage to make a start."
"Hmm," said Professor McGonagall. "Items often develop a natural resistance to transfiguration after a period of time as test subjects. This shouldn't have happened with these creatures yet, but let me clear it's Milikan's Transfiguration Matrix for you just in case." She tapped the hedgehog twice with her wand and uttered a spell in sonorous Latin. "There you go Mr Lupin, now try again."
Remus guiltily gave his work his full attention and soon had a smart hairbrush with an unfortunate tendency to curl into ball, in place of his hedgehog. Looking at Black, who was absorbed in trying to teach his tricks, he wasn't convinced the exchange was for the better.
Professor McGonagall moved around the class marking their efforts. She pointedly ignored Black and Potter's table. Returning to the front of the room, she clapped her hands once for attention.
"All right then class, please try and transfigure your hairbrushes back into hedgehogs."
Somehow this seemed to be even harder. Remus did his best but his hedgehog was left with soft rubber bristles. Lily's refused to grow legs again. Eventually Professor McGonagall put them out of their misery and called for their attention.
"Right everybody, you will bring your attempts up to the front desk and return them to their cage. I will mark your hedgehogs on their accuracy."
After Remus had returned his still rubberised hedgehog, he drifted to the door of the classroom and waited there. Now that he'd started watching Black he wanted to see more. There was definitely something interesting about the dopiest Hufflepuffs.
Lily joined him there and they exchanged self-conscious glances. Neither of them said anything.
Eventually, they'd been at the back of the queue, Black presented his hedgehog to Professor McGonagall.
"Zero, Mr Black."
Black clutched the hedgehog closer.
"But Freckles is a perfect specimen of a hedgehog," he protested.
"Of course he is Mr Black. He was never anything else."
"See Freckles," he soothed, "She didn't mean to insult you."
"Mr Black… oh why do I bother. Just return the creature to its cage."
Black peered dubiously into the cage teeming with slightly mangled hedgehogs.
"I don't think Freckles would like it in there. They don't look very friendly to me."
"For heaven's sake Mr Black, it is a hedgehog. Return it to the cage at once."
"Do you want to go in there, Freckles?"
The little creature's whole body seemed to wiggle from side to side in negation. Black petted it and fed it some more biscuit. Then he looked up at McGonagall.
"I told you he wouldn't like it Professor."
"Mr Black I do not care about the mythical wishes of the animal. It will go back in the cage or spend the rest of its life as a hairbrush." Her wand waved threateningly.
Black's eyes widened and his mouth dropped as his face contorted into a mask of horror. He bent his head and curled his whole body around the hedgehog in his arms.
"It's okay Freckles," he whispered loudly enough that Remus could hear him at the back of the room, "I won't let the nasty lady get you."
Professor McGonagall's eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth. Unable to simply watch the unfolding disaster, Remus hurried forwards.
"Uh Professor."
Professor McGonagall turned to him with fiercely strained patience. "Yes Mr Lupin."
"Um well, since Black's become attached to his hedgehog and all, why doesn't he just keep it. He can let it go in the Forbidden Forest or something."
Remus cringed under his Head of House's glare.
"Hear that Freckles," said Black, "You can stay with me, isn't that great." He looked up and Remus took the full force of his beaming grin in the gut.
"Err good plan, Remus" said Lily, sounding rather doubtful but nobly attempting to back him up.
Black lifted Freckles up and balanced him on his left shoulder.
"There you are. So you can see where we're going." His glance fell on the hedgehog still in Potter's hands and he cast a deeply suspicious look at Professor McGonagall. "Widget comes too?" he checked.
"If that is what it takes to get you out of this classroom, you may take both the hedgehogs with my good wishes."
"Cool," said Potter and promptly perched Widget on his right shoulder.
"Let's go," said Remus hastily, "Or we'll be late for the next class."
Black and Potter grabbed their book bags with small grunts of effort and cheerfully followed them, hedgehogs still riding proud on their shoulders.
Next class was Potions. Professor Sangrail no sooner glimpsed the hedgehogs and than he shouted,
"Those creatures are not coming in here."
"Professor," said Potter reproachfully, "That's not a nice thing to say about Snape and Rookwood, they can't help the way they look."
"He wasn't talking about us, dim-wit," snarled Snape as he and Rookwood shoved past the dopiest Hufflepuffs.
"Careful there, old man," said Black, "You'll start getting a reputation for a bad-temper."
The whole class choked as Snape's bad temper was almost as proverbial as Potter and Black's dopiness.
"It's not his fault Sirius."
"Well of course not. It's just such a shame the wind changed on him and he got stuck like that."
"Very sad case," said Potter shaking his head comiseratingly.
Snape was slowly turning an ugly purple colour and now his wand started to twitch threateningly. Remus shifted until he could draw his wand easily. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Lily had her hand on her wand.
Professor Sangrail regained control. "Mr Snape, Mr Rookwood sit down. There will be no foolish wand-waving in my class, thank you." Snape put his wand away with very bad grace. Remus and Lily relaxed.
"Mr Black, Mr Potter if those hedgehogs of yours come in this classroom they will be used for Potions ingredients."
"Not Freckles," said Black, putting one hand up protectively and looking rather sick.
"Professor McGonagall said we could release them in the Forbidden Forest," said Potter hastily.
"That's right Professor," said Lily, "She did."
Remus stared at her.
"Well she did, you heard too, Remus."
"Fine," said Professor Sangrail. "Black, Potter, take those animals away and dispose of them. Do not bother to return. It will be a pleasure to have one lesson free from exploding cauldrons."
"Come on Widget," said Potter, "You'd just get bored in Potions if there aren't going to be any exploding cauldrons."
Professor Sangrail closed his eyes and pretended not to hear.
Lily giggled and lent over to whisper to Remus. "I think Sangril's thrown them out of more lessons than they've attended. He's just looking for excuses now."
Remus smiled and nodded in agreement. Privately he agreed with Potter, Potions was much less interesting without exploding cauldrons.