Dear Voldy,
Why, I know your not dead! Granted I have missed you. Although you are still alive you cannot use your powers! Have you tried? Harry took away your powers! I think that was mean but necessary. I do believe that it was Igor who you used correct? Was it a potion? I don't remember. Your gift basket was wonderful by the way! I tested them first – I gave the bad ones to that annoying neighbor.
That cruise you went on was the one I wanted to go on! Don't forget sun block! You wouldn't want to get skin cancer! The picture you sent me of 'Nessi' on the lounge chair is adorable! Hormones – I bet that's what got into Longbottem. I quite agree with the seven Horcrux facts. I think I'll made about twenty-five next time? Do you think that's enough? I surely hope so – that hurt.
I suggest you visit the doctor. He'll have meds. for you. Now you wouldn't want to die because of high blood pressure! Make sure your eating right! That's an important part of staying healthy! I know what your talking about with the stress. It gets to me every time too. Snape also faked his death you see – I'll give him your address so he'll let you know all about it. He did quite a nice job at it too. Just following your story I have high blood pressure! I can't imagine yours! I quite agree maybe in the following books….if I write them I'll be sure to mention it. Yes you look very much younger – you look almost 30!
I'm glad that Molly finishes her off as well. She was bothering me about being 'with' you. It was getting extremely obnoxious. Such a pity that R.A.B. had to die to don't you think? He seemed intelligent.
Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy are busy with Draco and his girlfriend. They send a lot of time together. They're getting worried. I wish I were at a beach. Ever since I wrote about you and Harry I can't leave my house! People almost attack me! It's awful! sigh Why you should be ashamed of yourself! At a NUDE beach! And looking at women! No wonder any lady ever liked you besides Bella! Oh yes the blood smell goes well with the mustiness of this letter. It complements the black ink. I remember that well it was the funniest thing you've ever done! It was histerical1 I still have that picture! You know the one after you came back from 'the oaf's' house. That was even better. Ab is still very shy about that faithful night!
That's very nice Voldy. I don't think I need that image in my head – you or Victor's father. It was every wrong, very wrong indeed. What is 'it' you'll have to let me know. I haven't been 'with it' since 1985 my high school kids tell me.
Have fun at your par-tay!
1. You think you have it bad!! Have you seen what they have said about me? I would gladly inform you. She said some stuff about me too….
2. Yes Draco is semi gay. I think he's bi.
3. You do have undies on! I just thought that everybody wouldn't want to know about the pink and purple and blue flowers in them. I was doing you a favor.
4. Oh please! Just let them fantasize! They have nothing better to do with their lives.
Sincerely yours,
Jo Rowling
PS. I don't care much for your name either. Sorry.
P.S.S. I took care of Lunafish. She wont bother you again.