fandom: Gravitation
title: Hikari no Jounetsu.
pairing: Ryuichi x Tatsuha
rating: pg-13
Description – No matter how many years have passed, why does Ryuichi still feel unworthy of the only person he sings for? (This follows the Aching Desire timeline.)

Disclaimer – I love Gravi and it's in my blood, but I don't own it.

Hikari no Jounetsu. (The passion of the light.)
By Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 1 – The other side of the rainbow.

I was kneeling on the ground and smiling at the space before me.

I put a large piece of paper that almost covered the whole kitchen floor and the way the light touched it, I could feel a little of the peace that I constantly searched for. It was moments like these that made me feel that the past could really be 'over' for me.

Tatsuha laughed and I looked up at him standing at the doorway. He tilted his head and flashed me this smile that bordered between "ready to pounce" and "shy enough that I can't say you're being cute". Instead, he said my name with another laugh, "Ryuichi."
"Isn't this awesome?!" I held out my arms as widely as I could.
"Voice."

He was reading what was on the middle of the paper. My feet were bare and I was walking around with paint. It was unheard of to be this messy here in Japan.

I pressed my hands into the trays of paint and made a big flower with my handprints. Tatsuha smiled as he watched me, delighted as I felt.
"A monk imagines these things, you know."
"An artist brings those things to life." I took his hand and pulled him over to the trays to mix the paint together. We pushed onto the white paper.

Yes, that's right. We're doing this together...

After yesterday, after searching for him in the darkness, I woke up holding my mouth, not wanting to sob all over again. I wanted that scratching inside my heart to cry out in another way.

Why did I always have to fight my 'self'? With all the different Ryuichis that lived inside of me?

I guess my first instinct was to always hurt myself. I didn't know exactly why until I met Tatsuha. I felt the more I loved him, the more my flaws became so clear to me. Fear was not something I had ever known and I was starting to.
I didn't like it at all.

I know he wasn't exactly from a normal family either but it certainly wasn't like mine. I never wanted anyone else to know them and I didn't want them to ruin anyone I'd be with in the future.

When would the past stop coming after me and how long would I pretend to run away?

I could only bury it at times like these.

We giggled trying to make pictures with our handprints, fingers, and feet. As the sun shone brighter, it touched his face again and the darkness inside temporarily left me. He took my hand and we stood up, looking down from the center of the paper. We whirled around slowly to look at the universe we'd created. Instead of blackness, there was nothing but rainbows of colors and our planet with lots of flowers.

"It's missing something."
"What? I think it looks great, Tatsu!"
He poked me on the nose with his blue finger and then knelt again. He drew a stick figure with a mic and just jeans on.
I knelt on the ground again and drew an angel kissing my head.
When I turned my head, he suddenly kissed me. "Why are you so amazing?"
My eyes looked down at the paper embarrassed and then I touched his nose with my painted one. "Cause of you."
"Ahh!"

Tatsuha's teeth showed as I ran away. He caught me and pinned me to the ground over the word 'Voice'. A shadow of my back appeared over the globe we'd made.
"If only everyday could be like this..." He stared down at me with a seriousness that even rivaled Tohma's over business.

I felt a chill creeping up on my skin. I couldn't say anything. Strangely, it wasn't me who was thinking too much today.
"What's wrong?" Worriedly, I lifted my hands up to his face.

He took a deep breath. "When you touch me, it's all real. But I still feel like I'm dreaming since that day I actually said I'd jump with you. And…and…"

/"Don't you know how much the press have bothered him and his family because of you? You have led him all the way here to come to you, but is he wasting his life on you? Are you taking away all the other things he could have wanted but couldn't know because of your selfishness?"

I was silently thinking what Tohma said to me in his office the other day. The walls echoed his words and I was swallowed by the hollowness, drowning with the words that had always been submerged at the bottom of my heart. /

"When you were doing that charity concert during that matsuri, it finally hit me." He leaned forward and laid on top of me, holding me tightly in his arms. "The people were waiting all day for the final act and I had been used to it at the theatres and the concert halls, but it was different out in nature. Your voice could be heard even though the sound system wasn't that powerful.
"The people around me were totally entranced by you, but it was different. I felt like you, nature, the people, everything…that we were all one. I can't say it correctly, but it was wonderful."
"Then why are you so serious?"
"Because I finally saw the distance between us."

I took a deep breath.

"All the people came for you and you've always wanted to show me this, but when I looked around, I knew that you loved me. And I couldn't say anything at all. I could only watch you as the number one singer of Japan."
He opened his mouth again and I could feel his breath on my ear, but he didn't say anything more.

I didn't know how to comfort him even though my whole body was screaming that I loved him, almost to the point that I was afraid he'd think I was sick for being so obsessed over him.
I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him as tightly as I could.

If you only knew, Tatsuha...if you only knew!

I kissed the top of his head with tears in my eyes, but he couldn't see me. "Tatsuha, do you know what it means to live on the other side of the rainbow?"
"I don't understand…"
"It means only few people see what's truly beautiful."
He didn't reply. I ran my fingers through his hair. "You sacrifice more than you want to for your dream."
Tatsuha looked into my eyes and looked surprised, a little bewildered at my gaze.
"Ryu?"
"The brighter the rainbow, the harder the rain."

His chest stopped pushing into mine when he stopped breathing. He pushed himself off my chest. "Do you want some coffee?"

Without waiting for an answer, he turned his back to me and started to look for a pot to boil water.
I got up and went to the bathroom to push my head against the mirror.

/"I'm sorry, Tatsu, but you have to escape through the hotel kitchen so that they won't catch you."
"Shouldn't you be the one who's going around the back?"
"It's okay if they see me, but I never want them to bother you."

I would never live that down.

He kissed me and took his bag to go down one elevator as I stepped into the other one. He was already on the first floor and I watched him, holding onto the golden railing of the elevator, walking towards one of my bodyguards.
Tatsuha left one way and towards the train station as I went into another. Outside the front door, there were reporters ready with the flashing lights. I walked towards the waiting car, seething in anger and yearning.

Yet again, I was unable to do anything as Tatsuha smiled and understood. He had taken it for me./

If I had been an ordinary person, would that have made things easier?
Would we have met at all?

Tsuzuku…/To be continued…

Author's note: I had been wanting to make this chapter for a week and I finally did! I am still nervous though because it's been a long while since I've written a fanfic and for Gravitation.
I hope that I can add another depth to Ryuichi's character and reflect a different side of Tatsuha through this fic.

Thank you again for your support. It means more than you know.

Love,
Yui

9/7/2014 23:57:05 - Tokyo