I think half the reason middle schoolers and teenagers get so dramatic about little hurts that seem so inconsequential to their parents is that they are learning coping strategies for the big tragedies that come later in life. But some life events are so incomprehensible, so huge, that even a terrible childhood could not prepare someone to handle it. Yet somehow we usually do. One of the most beautiful things is when people (and animals) come together in mutual support.
**I'll Be There For You, Bon Jovi**
An hour later Kara found herself staring, slack jawed, at the screen as the CO finished addressing the crew. He had said "I have news." and she been so excited to hear those words. There was always a moment of suspense when they came out of a silent period. But this time she almost couldn't believe what she had heard. Around her there were a few sniffles, but otherwise the CIC was unnaturally still. They had been here, having an ordinary uneventful cruise for four months while millions of people, make that billions had died worldwide.
She sat down numbly and began jotting down what Chandler had said, lest some important detail be forgotten in her haze. She couldn't comprehend it really. He had said 19 out of every 20 people worldwide were already dead or dying. It was and air borne virus and there was no effective treatment. Chandler had listed off countries without functioning governments, Russia, Great Briton, China, Canada, Germany, India, Australia. He hadn't said the US, but the implication had been there loud and clear. And this Dr. Scott and Dr. Trophet were actually working on a cure. But they were a long way from it and didn't even know if they had the samples they needed yet.
It was too much to process at once. They had just spent four months working their asses off on a fake weapons test while the real mission had been to find a cure. They had been here, working hard, having a good time while their families and friends had been at home dying. She thought of the farm in Rose Hill. She had asked her mother to move. Told her she'd feel better with her in Norfolk. Now she wasn't so sure that had been a good idea. At least in Kansas she could have isolated herself before the virus reached that part of the country. She would have had a chance at sustaining herself from the land. In Norfolk? A crushing guilt gripped her followed rapidly by searing anger. The Navy could have told them what they were doing, could have given them a chance to say goodbye. Despite being nearly elbow to elbow with other officers, she felt suddenly very alone in the world. What if Danny and her friends all rushed off to find their families when they got back to Norfolk?
Nineteen out of Twenty dead meant only five percent surviving. The reality was that most of them were probably alone in the world now too. She looked around the CIC. Barker just sat in his chair looking despondent. A few people were praying. Nishioka was punching keys on his computer like he wanted to hurt something. Slattery had calmly informed them that they would set up a system to attempt calls home ASAP but as she looked at her colleague's blank faces, she realized that for most of them it was going to be too little too late. She had given, they all had given, their everything to the Navy. And in return they had been denied the chance to spend their last moments with loved ones? She felt deeply used. But she was alive. A little voice in her head reminded her. She was alive and Danny was still alive. Imagine if they hadn't been here. What if she had said goodbye and never seen him again? One or both of them could have died (or lived), without knowing that the other hadn't really wanted to break it off.
Eight bells sounded and the personnel for the next shift entered wordlessly. The handoff was eerily silent, like no one had anything to offer because everyone was too busy processing what they had learned. She watched as Barker wordlessly got up from his seat and walked out without his usual briefing to the next watch or even to Ensign King, who would be working that station next. The woman looked to Kara with panic in her eyes as he exited. Kara took in her rumpled uniform, raccoon eyes, messy hair. She was probably only 21, maybe 22, just a kid. Taking a deep clearing breath she crossed the room to ask in a low voice "Are you OK Emily? The young woman nodded mutely. "Are you up for doing this?" She didn't know what she would do if King said no, she was nearing the end of 12 straight hours herself, but she felt it was the right thing to ask.
The younger woman closed her eyes, imitated Kara's deep breath, and nodded. Mission accomplished, she thought to herself. She looked around at all their faces and realized she couldn't be angry at Barker, or let them think he had abandoned them. She spoke loudly enough for the entire C.I.C. to hear. "Good. I will be hitting my rack and trying to sleep. Many of you will recall that Commander Barker has four kids and a wife back in Virgina. If anything happens I want to be notified first and I will decide if we need to get him." Heads were nodding.
"Yes Ma'am" Emily's chin wavered a bit but Kara could see that a little bit of purpose would help her hold it together. "In the meantime…" Kara briefed them on the movement offshore, and weapons readiness, being sure to keep her voice smooth and steady. "You heard the Captain. We've got important work to do. Ensign, you have the C.I.C." She met the eyes of people around the room and knew she might regret it later, but she had done the right thing. She headed immediately to the wardroom for some food.
After five hours rushing around, checking on people and equipment, Danny was finally able to sit down in the wardroom. He had his head on the table, one hand in Halsey's fur when the XO strode in. He knew he needed to get up to eat but he was just so bone tired. Besides, he was stalling in the hopes that Kara would come in here when she was done in the CIC.
"Am I correct that you've been up since 0500?" Danny could tell Slattery was ready to give him a hard time if he said he could go without sleep, but he didn't need to worry. He knew better than to function at half strength.
"Yes Sir. But both Burk and Benz ended up wanting to try to contact their families."
Slattery nodded, his face grim. "What about you? Did you get through to anyone?"
"Nah" He hadn't even considered trying. He just wanted to talk to Kara. "I figure the Admiral is either dead or knows I'm ok. My mother was in New York so.." He didn't finish. Chandler had talked about rioting and hot zones and New York had come up both times.
"Still no one has gotten anything from Norfolk? Nothing from your girlfriend?" Slattery hung his head and stared into his empty mug. Danny was surprised he had remembered, but then he figured that like everyone, he wanted to know about how things were in the Norfolk area. He knew the XO had three kids.
"Permission to enter, Sir." Kara stood in the doorway. Her shoulders drooped and her hair was crooked. She looked wrung out, exactly the way he felt.
"Granted Foster." When Danny turned back to Slattery he saw that the other man was looking expectantly at him. "Ah, she's not in Norfolk Sir." The XO turned his gaze to Kara and together they watched her take down a bowl.
"Well, maybe it was fate Lieutenant." Slattery looked at his watch confused "Foster, it's unlike you to miss dinner." Danny saw Kara eye the remaining sandwiches with distaste and take down a cereal box. He set his own sandwich back down on his plate and busied himself with some salad. Slattery rolled his eyes. "You're already five hours overdue for some rack time. You know it is also your duty to take care of yourself. You need to eat more than cereal." She was moving slowly, like her arms were made of lead. If this had been a training activity and Danny saw one of his men look like that, he would have been sending them to rest too.
"I know sir. Barker wasn't up to his briefing so I took care of it and I haven't had a chance to eat since noon." Danny felt a moment's anger at Barker. She looked like she was barely holding it together and that self serving jerk had left her to do his work?. Danny watched as Kara examined the XO out of the corner of her eyes while she poured the milk. The XO's face became hard and he pushed back his chair. "Barker left behind four kids Commander." She reminded the XO with a sigh.
Thinking he'd distract the XO before he could reprimand Kara for covering for another officer Danny asked, "Any word from your family Sir?" The XO jerked to his feet, his body language stiff and awkward and Danny knew he'd struck a nerve. Kara pulled back the corners of her mouth in a grimace and shook her head. Apparently she knew something he didn't about the XO's family. Slattery turned his back on the table to pour himself a coffee, sighing when he found the milk empty but he didn't answer Danny about his family. That couldn't be good.
"Sorry sir. Kara shrugged sheepishly as she sat next to Danny. "Just put the last in my cereal."
Slattery poured the cream instead and stared silently into his mug as he swirled in a spoon of sugar. After a moment he squared his shoulders and turned toward them. "I forgive you Foster. Maybe today is a day to live large, eh? You did fine work today too. That interception saved all our butts." Danny felt his stomach drop to his feet. She'd caught that one on manual? He hadn't realized quite how close the ship had come to near disaster. It would have hit them right at the level of the CIC. He kept himself from grabbing her close right then and there by busying himself making a couple soups for Halsey instead. The dog rose with him and stood, tail wagging against her chair.
She ducked her head modestly. "We got lucky sir. I just happened to have the screen up for the battery controls because I was practicing for the next evaluation. The alarm sounded and I fired it almost without thinking." Danny began filling the soups with water but he had to set them down when he realized his hands were shaking.
"Well, I know you don't like to dwell on these things, but you've done us proud once again. Between the missile and the five inch shells, you took out at least fifteen of those Russian fuckers. That's a pretty awesome day's work. Now get some rest, both of you, seriously. I suspect Chandler is going to keep us on alert until we have confirmation of new orders." Slattery nodded to Danny and then to Kara. "I mean it now. You two should get in bed as soon as you finish eating. That's an order." When Kara gave a shocked bark of laughter a stripe of color appeared high on the XO's cheeks. "I mean your racks, plural of course." He gave them a flustered wave as he headed for the bridge calling out. "You know what I mean."
Danny realized he had gripped one of the foam cups so hard in his shock at the XO's words that soggy cold noodles were now running over his thumb and plinking into the sink. Kara turned her chair away from the door with a nervous laugh. "You're ruining his dinner. Here, give me that." She rose and took the cup from his hand and poured the cold soup into a bowl. Halsey inched up behind her, tail wagging his whole body now. Pivoting away from the microwave she met his eye and began to laugh. "What?"
He mentally shook himself. She didn't want him worrying over her. She wanted him to let her do her job. "You, being so domestic. Do you even know how to cook?" He tried to relax but the tension was still there in his chest. She had almost been seriously injured or killed today and there was nothing he could have done about it.
"No, but despite how it appeared last time, I'm a pro at microwaving."
"And shooting things it seems." She winced and seemed to shrink into herself and he realized he'd said exactly the wrong thing. "You don't like to think too much on that aspect of the job, huh?" He remembered when he'd first moved from training to real assignments, feeling eager to prove himself. He'd dutifully followed orders and had to fire on or fight enemy combatants several times over the first few years and it hadn't bothered him at all.
The first time it did really get to him was a few years later when a translator they were working with had led a whole team, including himself, Frankie, and his dog Tarne, to a supposed safehouse to regroup after being ambushed. They had been transporting a group of refugees across a hostile territory and the attackers had come out of no where leaving many dead and crippling their transportation. He'd already been tired and angry and pretty sure he had a broken rib. Still, he'd instinctively palmed his knife when Tarne had reacted outside the building. The second the door opened and three Somali's rushed them, his commanding officer had given the order to fight back, and it had been brutal, face-to-face fighting. The translator had turned on him and kicked him in the exact spot he'd already been hurt before he even fully realized what was going on. He'd ended up being the one to take the translator out, and the degree of satisfaction he'd felt when the guy gave his last breath had scared him.
Later, when he'd been laid up in Landstuhl they'd sent a counselor to talk with him. He still remembered the one thing the guy had said that helped. "It sucks to have to hurt people as part of our jobs. But don't forget, you just saved a ton of people too."
Kara 's lips twisted in a grim smile. "I know. And I'd do it again. I just hate that it came so easily to me." The microwave dinged and she took out the soup and tested it with her finger. Finding it warm but not too hot, she poured it slowly into a bowl and set it on the floor for the dog and then gestured to Danny to hand her the second foam cup.
He moved a little closer, leaning back against the counter by her side. He picked up one of the sandwiches left on the tray and nodded toward his plate. "Sorry, I already ate half of the last roast beef but you can have what's left."
She half smiled and leaned over the table to take the plate. "It feels ridiculous to fuss over a sandwich after those news clips of people killing each other for food today, but I'll never understand why the kitchen puts cheese on a tuna sandwich. I just don't have the stomach for it right now."
They stood and ate quietly. It was completely against protocol to eat standing up in the wardroom but he felt like if he sat back down he might lack the energy to get up again. Kara had her arms crossed over her chest as if she was cold and she was watching the dog eat rather than looking at him. "You do realize that we were sitting ducks out there on the ice. If you hadn't taken down that last helo they would have made another pass at us and I don't know how we would have fared the second time around."
The microwave dinged and she poured the next cup into the dog's bowl. As she rose she met his eyes and he saw why she had been avoiding his gaze before. Kara, who was always so unshakable, was scared. "Believe me. I am well aware of that. I haven't stopped thinking about the consequences since it happened." Her voice was rough and quiet.
He leaned in closer. "Well, we are both still very much alive for now. Finish your sandwich and then let's go get some sleep. We'll feel better on a full stomach and fresh legs."
Once she started eating, Kara was on a roll. After the sandwich and the cereal she ate some fruit and a yogurt as well. He sat quietly by her side, nursing a coffee and stroking the dog's ears. Finally she reached under the table, she patted Danny's leg, and then tossed her napkin beside her plate. "I do feel better now. Every time someone comes in I think about how horrible it would be if they were down in the infirmary or worse, dead."
"Good. Ready to follow Slattery's orders now?" He pulled back her chair for her and they placed their dishes in the bin. Halsey scrambled to his feet, having finished his soup and a cup of kibble. They walked along the p-ways silently and Danny was touched how many people stopped them to say how glad they were that things had turned out OK on the ice or to thank Kara for the good hit on the missile.
They passed the main mess and it was a cacophony of suppositions and anxiety. Danny was glad they had eaten in the wardroom because he didn't think either he or Kara had the energy to deal with the complexities of social interaction right now. Even Halsey looked tired as he shuffled along in front of them. They rounded the corner to the p-way with their staterooms. Two people were talking at the door to the bathroom but otherwise it was empty. They exchanged a meaningful look. It was only 9 PM and many people who weren't on duty would be around at this time. He didn't want to say anything so he just passed into the bathroom while she went into her own room. When he came out the p-way was empty but Kara's door was half open and he could see her shower basket on the desk.
He edged up to the door. She was holding a picture of a group of friends laughing around a campfire. He recognized Carlton, Georgie, Alicia, and Sarah in the group. When she looked up and saw him there she smiled. "This was right after we got back from Africa last year. Georgie set up a camping trip to celebrate. You know she was assigned to the Nathan James until this cruise, right?"
"Yeah, Frankie might have mentioned it once or twice… or fifty times. I hope she's still interested because she's all he talks about. Probably all he thinks about."
Kara smiled and for the first time since he came off the ice, he saw it reach her eyes. "She has that effect on people." She tucked the picture back in the locker. "I was just missing her. She actually started fixed wing but switched because she didn't want her primary role to be assault. We've been bunk mates several times, so we've had all the long conversations about the morality of warfare over the years." She picked up her towel.
He nodded and backed out the door, understanding her need to process a little more. "Alright." He was pretty sure she had hardly slept all night the time he was on the ice in the storm. He knew she was a worrier, and he knew how quickly that could wear a person down. "But don't stay in there too long. You need some rest." He spoke softly.
"I'm OK. Really."
Twenty minutes later Halsey raised his head and his tail thumped against the floor. She opened the door without a whisper of sound and the dim red light from the passageway swept briefly through his room. He'd begun to wonder whether she was coming or not. She shut the door immediately and then fumbled with her phone to turn on the flashlight. As she tiptoed around the dog he saw that she had on PT gear instead of a full uniform and her hair was damp. He shuffled against the wall and patted the mattress beside him. Wordlessly, she toed off her trainers and placed them under the bed in the place he had come to think of as hers. He wasn't sure exactly what she was expecting, but he had been already half dozing. Somehow he had the feeling he'd also sleep easier if he knew she was safe beside him. She slid out of her shorts and laid them over a desk chair and then sat in the curl of his legs. "I really am tired."
He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her down until her head was laid over his other arm and his body was curled around hers, their legs tucked together. "Then you should put aside your worrying and sleep." He whispered in her ear. "I'll wake you if it's necessary." He didn't care that her damp hair was laying cold against his neck or that he had his bare back against the bulkhead so that there was enough blanket to tuck around her. He lay quietly and listened to her breathing slow. They laid like that for a while as slowly, ever so slowly she relaxed against him. When her breathing finally deepened and her hands relaxed from where they had been gripping the blanket to her chest, he was finally able to sleep as well.