Wow. Thank you guys so much for the overwhelming reviews and support with the first chapter.
Here's the first date.
The day was torture for Marlene. Every minute of every hour, the penguins, lemurs, monkeys, and just about every other small animal were staring in her direction.
She just stood on her platform nervously, waving with a fake smile towards the humans.
The people, like the idiots they were, called Alice over.
"The otter's not doing anything."
Alice looked with pure, bundled in hatred at the customer, "'K."
"Well, can't you make it do something?"
Alice shook her head, logic skyrocketing out of existence, and walked away.
The penguins, though acting cute and cuddly, were seething with rivalry.
"You boys might as well just give up now. After tonight, I don't think you'll be able to get her off of me," Skipper announced slyly.
Rico guterally objected.
"Please, you don't even know the basics of romantic courtship," Kowalski muttered as he continued to gaze at Marlene.
"And you do?"
"More than anyone else here."
Private joined in, "You don't know that. Maybe she could like any one of us."
"Oh, and you have some kind of brilliant date planned?" Skipper retorted with the youngster.
Private blushed, "W-well, I think she'll like it."
"Does it involve that Lunacorn marathon on Thursday?" Kowalski replied.
"N-n-n-no! No it doesn't!" Private stammered with embarrassment.
Yes it is, Private, don't lie.
"Really...?"
"Eh, ah, um, You're stupid! Stupid dumb stupid!" Private responded violently.
Kowalski rolled his eyes, "That's not even a good insult."
"Stupid stupid dumb dumb!"
The arguing between the flightless birds continued for some time.
Elsewhere, Julien looked on with envy. "Look at her, Maurice. Look how beautiful she is."
"That I actually agree with for once," Maurice added.
Mort was caught. True he loved Marlene, but he also loved Julien's feet. If only there was a perfect world where he could have both. Or maybe she could wear Julien's feet like shoes.
No Mort. That would involve illegal activities. Still, one can dream.
Anyway, back to Julien, "If only I was the one doing the courting."
If only...
Eventually, the number of people around Marlene's habitat dwindled until there were none left.
Marlene then had a realization.
Wait a minute.
"No. No, this doesn't make any sense."
That's it.
She found the plothole.
With eagerness, she checked around her.
No humans in sight.
This would be risky.
Borrowing the stealthy belly crawl of the penguins, she slid out of her habitat into the pathways around the zoo. She zig-zagged between trash cans, benches, and various other hiding places until she finally arrived at her destination.
She whispered from a bush, "Shelly, Pinky!"
The two female birds turned her way, absolutely pale.
"Marlene, what are you doing?! There's people around!" Shelly the ostrich whispered.
"Yeah, do you want to get caught?" Pinky the flamingo added.
Marlene continued, "You guys are girls too, but everyone's still obsessed with me. It doesn't make any sense, why are they not after you two?"
Shelly answered, "They are."
It was then that Marlene looked around and saw what she was talking about. Joey the kangaroo was beating the crap out of a punching bag as he looked affectionately at Shelly, the elephant was arranging a heart out of peanuts with Pinky's face in it, and the gorillas were doing something gorilla related, but still watching the two.
"Wha-?" Marlene half asked, confused.
"It's a size thing, deary," Pinky added, "You're the only small one."
"At least there's two of us, so it's only half as bad."
"Oh... right..." Marlene said.
Crap. There was no cheating the system.
"Yeah, I'm just going to go. Thanks guys."
"Good luck, my dear! Lord knows you need it!" Pinky remarked as Marlene jutted away.
The hours dragged onward and the grand clock overlooking the zoo ticked at a rate monotonous enough where if one stared for too long, they would swear it stopped entirely. Marlene experienced such a feeling as she literally watched the time pass until it was almost time for closing.
As the last of the humans were leaving, she glanced over to the penguin exhibit.
None of them were there.
Oh crap.
Marlene felt her heart pump faster. This was a bad sign.
If Skipper wasn't there, he could be anywhere. He could be watching her right now. The very thought made Marlene shiver; Skipper is a such a creep. Then again, the other penguins could be doing the same thing.
Maybe she was over thinking this.
Skipper's a nice guy...right?
...Maybe...
Okay, he's a decent penguin. He more likely sets the bar for what counts as average, on his good days.
Yeah, totally over looking the fact that this could be fun. Marlene has spent time with him before. Although he never tried anything near romance, this could go well.
Who knows?
She stepped onto the penguin iceberg. She knocked on the hatch, "Hello? Skipper? I'm here for my...date." She almost puked upon that phrase rolling off her tongue.
No reply.
Could he really have forgotten about the date?!
Oh my gosh, he did. That buttmunch.
How could he forget about something as important as Marlene?!
"Okay, before I was disgusted; now I'm downright offended," she muttered quietly to herself in heated anger.
She barged down into the iceberg ready to deliver the much needed business to these penguins. The HQ was completely empty and the lights were off.
The lights were off...
It's an ambush.
Defcon 0.
Marlene backed against the wall into a fighting stance, expecting to be pounced from all angles. Even though her time with the penguins on missions was often brief, she picked up a few things here and there.
Yet again, nothing happened.
She slowly regained her cool and relaxed as there were no signs of life.
At once, Marlene flicked on the light switch and breathed a slight sigh of relief.
She waltzed around the HQ, half smiling at the fact that she wouldn't have to go on any horrid dates tonight. Yet, the question of where the penguins were still remained. They were probably on a mission or something-but who cares?! No dating for this mammal!
It was during Marlene's horrid celebratory dancing that Kowalski's lab creaked open.
Everything turned to innate darkness as a mesh bag came over her head.
"I don't know what I expected from any of this."
The bag was taken off several hours later. Her paws her bound and she sat in an otter-sized chair. A bucket of water was dumped onto her, waking her up. There was an insufferable ringing in her ears.
"WHAT. THE. F-?!"
"Welcome to romance express. I'll be your flight attendant on this thrill ride, so just sit back and relax," Skipper interrupted. He had a sly grin on his face.
Marlene's eyes batted around in fearful, yet deeply angered, desperation. They appeared to be in a very small, clustered warehouse of some kind. There were luggage bags and boxes all around them. "Skipper...?! Wh-where are we?!"
Skipper motioned around him, "Marlene, my dear, you're ten thousand feet over the pristine skies of good old US of A."
"Skipper, what is going on here?!" She demanded in a fiery tone.
"You are on a one-way trip to the most romantic and thrilling experience of your young life."
"Romance isn't supposed to be thrilling, you idiot!"
"Of course it is!" Skipper defended, "Feel that blood pumping through your veins and the adrenaline kicking in as you proceed to take out an entire legion of wily danish bandits, there's nothing like it! ...Forget that last part."
"That's not what romance is! I-it's going on a date, or going to the movies, or picnics under the stars with a spanish guitar-"
Skipper intervened, "Aww, you're using your words. Stop it."
Marlene sat there in stunned aggravated silence. This couldn't be happening. This was absolutely ridiculous. How on earth can anyone be this stupid?!
"Now, here comes the fun part..." Skipper led on as he waddled over to a small hatch.
"Skipper," Marlene shot up, realizing what was happening, "Skipper, wh-what fun part? None of this is fun so what's the fun part because I clearly cannot see any fun being had because we are in a plane over who knows where which isn't fun at all-SKIPPER WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"I'll explain on the way down," were the last words said in the cargo compartment of the plane before the hatch opened and the two, along with numerous bags, were sucked out into the open air.
Marlene screamed at the top of her lungs as she entered free fall.
Skipper glided by with his flippers behind his head.
"Ahh, isn't this just relaxing?"
"I'm still tied to the chair you dolt!"
"Exactly! Now you have to figure out how to get out of the chair."
Marlene would have slapped him into next November had her wrists not been bound.
No longer being held by gravity, she managed to wiggle herself from the chair. Her paws were still tied behind her back.
Skipper sailed by, "Do you feel that Marlene? The exhilaration of your first drop? Feel the wind brush against you, heart pounding as the adre-"
"Not helping!" she screamed over him. A floating luggage bag hovered close to her. She reached for it and spilled out the contents.
Skipper nodded his head in approval of her resourcefulness.
With awkward, squirming hands, Marlene dove through two or three cases.
"All that's in here are clothes!"
"Security checkpoints, Marlene," Skipper mocked as he sailed past. She's been through enough, he might as well let her off the hook.
"Alright, here," he muttered as he pushed his way towards the girl of his dreams. He felt weightless as he moved through the clear, dark skies over New York.
The lights of New York City danced brilliantly behind the couple. They were defying gravity together, above the reach of man and nature, daring to touch the sky. The only onlooker was the ever watching moon.
Carefully, he grasped a free falling knife. He had several of these planted for such a daring rescue. Slyly, he came behind the otter's back. His flippers brushed delicately against Marlene's soft fur. Skipper could feel his heart beat faster.
"Isn't it lovely?" Skipper asked as he looked over the city skyline.
"This isn't romantic at all! Untie me you fool!"
Snapping back into the crazy hysteria of the situation, Skipper slid the knife through the rope, freeing her paws. At once a hard slap came barreling across Skipper's face.
The penguin commando only chuckled, "Woah Marlene, a little fiesty aren't we? Wait until we get to the ground first." Marlene was visibly unhappy. He looked down from where they were at. "Marlene, you said you like Spanish Guitars, right?"
Just then, a Spanish Guitar glided between the two, sailing above them.[1] It seemed a message from the universe to the distraught girl that yes. This is your love life now. Enjoy it.
Marlene's arms were crossed.
She had completely given up at this point.
She sighed, "Let's just get this over with."
"What are you talking about?" Skipper asked aloud, taken aback at her pleas of escape.
"That's exactly what we wanted to hear!" came a booming, intelligent voice.
Skipper groaned as three vertically pointed penguins floated down before laying on their stomachs and leveling with them.
"What are you three doing here?!" Skipper demanded.
"We snuck on the plane when you and Marlene weren't looking," Private answered.
"I mean, what are you doing interfering with your officer's date!"
"Psht Isn't it obvious, Skipper? We all knew your date would be a massive failure. And hoho Schrodinger's Cat is it awful!" Kowalski remarked laughing.
Marlene joined their conversation, "Yeah, okay, this has been fun and all, but I think it's about time for those parachutes."
Silence.
"Guys..."
They all looked at each others, with Skipper grinning.
"Guys!"
Skipper chuckled, "Ah, sweet, naive Marlene. I didn't bring parachutes." He said it with such a matter-of-factness to it.
"You...WHAT?!"
Skipper pointed down with his flipper. Lo and behold, they were right above the Central Park Zoo. More specifically, the lemur's bouncy house.
"The landing is easy," Private remarked, "The bad part is the bounce..."
Skipper licked his beak, "Feel that rush yet? That do or die gut feeling where you don't quite know whether you'll make it out alive or not? It's breath taking-"
Marlene burst out, "I don't have time for this!" At once, she kicked Rico straight in the gut. A machete came flying out.
Unsatisfied, Marlene broke time and space itself. The other penguins gasped in horror.
She took her paw and reached down Rico's throat until she found a parachute.
At once, she donned the harness, opened the chute, and sailed to safety as the dumbstruck penguins, and mortified Rico, plummeted below.
Down below, and unsuspecting Julien was partying with Mort and Maurice. Well, he was partying, Mort was doing something, and Maurice was bored out of his mind.
Suddenly, a suitcase impacted with the ground beside them, exploding everywhere. The lemurs shrieked.
Mort walked up, "What is it?"
Another suitcase landed. Then another. Dresses, Shirts, and other valuables were strewn everywhere.
Julien knew. "Agh! Dese are fabulous gifts from the sky spirits! THANK YOU SKY SPIRITS!"
A bag then collided with the lemur king.
Maurice smiled and turned upwards, "Thank you sky spirit-AHH!" He dove out of the way from more debris.
The penguins fell into the bounce-house, where they landed softly. This is except for Private, who bounced out of the house and smacked against the pavement.
Marlene descended gracefully.
Skipper approached her, "So, how was that?"
"That... I don't even know what that was," she replied, "Do you guys even know what a romantic date is?"
"Of course I do, you just witnessed it," Skipper answered.
"No, I don't mean throwing me out of planes. I mean like an actual date with food and music..."
"Marlene, do you honestly think something so cheesy that only sissies and hippies would partake in is romance?"
The otter girl threw her hands to the sky and turned away, "I'm done, I'm out!"
"Wait, where are you going?!" Skipper called out for her.
"Home."
"Aww, come on! We still have so much more to do! There's still that protest in town, we could slap a hippie or two! Come on! Marlene!"
It was too late. She was already making her escape.
"NOOOOOOO!" Skipper burst out, collapsing onto his knees.
Kowalski waddled up and patted his leader's shoulder, "There there, Skipper. On the bright side, she'll have a much better date with me."
This warranted a serious slap.
Julien sat up, head groggy and barely able to see. Just then, a Spanish Guitar slammed against his head, making a hilarious cacophony of sounds and knocking him unconscious.
Before I am gouged to death by Skilene fans everywhere, hear me out...
This is a parody, no stone left unturned and no character left with dignity. But seriously, I tried my hardest to make Skipper as canon as I could. Skipper is a rush-junkie. He's a commando and a soldier. Yet how many Skipper romance stories pretend he is none of these things and make him into the biggest softie known on the face of the planet? All of his character traits are nudered for gushy, sappy romance lines and attitudes. So, I'm parodying them. Not just Skilene, but all of the romances by having their respective dates be as ridiculous as possible but never leave canon.
With that off my chest, I don't know if this was as funny as the first chapter. Let me know either in review or PM of what you think so far.
Kowalski is next.
Tune in next time.
[1] The rule of "All objects fall at the same speed" is relative. This does not count if you input Terminal Velocity. When you fall, gravity is pulling on you and speeding you up. However, the longer you fall, the more the wind pushes up against you. Eventually, this will get to a point where you are not gaining or losing speed as the wind and gravity have equaled out. This is Terminal Velocity. Also, how wide and large you are can decrease TV. Every object has different TV. This is why the more dense Skipper and Marlene fell past the relatively hollow and broad guitar and why the other three penguins, who were facing straight down, caught up to them. This footnote is in case there are any nitpickers.