Author's Note: This story is a parody, and all in good fun. Any similarities to existing stories and authors is a complete coincidence. The titles, summaries, and ficlet fragments included in here are entirely my creation. It's just way too fun to make this shit up as I go.

High Schools, Starlit Skies, and Vampiric Abnormalities

Athrun scowled and flipped over from his back to his stomach, snatching the laptop computer from Kira's hands before he could protest otherwise. "That's it, my turn! I wanna find some more humiliating stories about you."

Kira rolled his eyes. Whatever, if that was really going to make him happy. His best friend had kind of been in a weird mood ever since he'd fainted during the battle with what's-his-face and the other what's-his-face. He couldn't exactly blame him either, considering the fact that this series was breaking down his manly coolness piece by painful piece. Honestly, ever since the end of Seed it was all down hill from there for his buddy. His girl almost got married behind his back, he was picked up as a chess pawn in the Chairman's game...and Kira knew how Athrun hated it when people took advantage of his impeccable sense of justice like that. No wonder he was pissed about that.

Or maybe he was just mad because Chairman Dulindal's hair was longer and shinier that his. It was never easy when someone beat you out of the "I'm a total bishie and chicks luuurve me" title. Hmm. What kind of conditioner did he use? Not that it mattered. Kira's studly charms were more than enough to beat both of them out, conditioner or no conditioner.

Nevertheless, that little pouty lip Athrun was currently pulling kind of tugged at Kira's heart strings a little bit. He was his best friend after all. Maybe he should try to cheer him up.

"Come on Athrun, don't be so glum. Look at the positives of your situation."

"And what might those be, pray tell? I just got shot out of the sky by someone who's even more emotionally unstable than Sasuke from Naruto."

"...yeah, good point. But look at it this way. The only reason that kid beat you in the first place was because you were distracted and in a frickin' GOUF against the Destiny. Your seed mode pwns his every time the two of you fight against each other in berserk mode, and why do you think that is? That's another point in your favor. Same with me, really. Do you honestly think Shinn would have been able to beat me if I wasn't trying to protect my damn sister and wrestling with my own inner turmoil in the middle of a battlefield? He doesn't stand any real chance against you or I. He's only here for some pathetic attempt to create a plot including new characters rather than the returning Gundam Seed cast."

Athrun raised an eyebrow, a grin slowly spreading across his face. "Never thought of it that way before, but you're right. And what do you know, he's a war orphan too. That's original. At least there was a little bit of thought put into our characters."

Kira nodded sagely. "Not that we really have any room to talk about being original. The entire Gundam series is a never-ending chain of the same themes used over and over again. We must be onto masked villain/anti-hero number 57 or something by now."

"Yeah, I know, but at least we get the coolest uniforms."

"All too true, my friend. All too true." He linked his fingers together and cracked his knuckles, resolving himself to another round of whatever horrors they would find. Fanfiction. He was starting to form a love/hate relationship for it.

"Okay, let's get this over with. What form of mental scarring can we bring upon ourselves this time?"

Athrun's eyes scanned the screen in front of him, and Kira leaned down closer so he could look too.

He began to read the titles and summaries...and had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Most of the stories recently updated were all about Athrun...and Cagalli. Glancing over confirmed his suspicions. Athrun's face was red. From embarrassment or anger, he couldn't really tell.

And, the young coordinator couldn't fault him. One particular literary masterpiece looked a little something like this:

Atrun and Cagali go to high scool

this storiey is about Atrun and Cagali and they go to high school together and its super fun. r & r! im knew at this!

Even Kira couldn't find the strength to laugh at this one. He could practically see his own mouth drop open just as surely as he could feel it. His best friend's expression was even worse. The young pilot of the Freedom winced. Poor Athrun.

Imagine seeing a Wookie. You know, one of those huge furry creatures from that movie Kira had seen once? Now imagine you just watched your long lost lover getting ripped to shreds by it right in front of your eyes. Look at yourself in a mirror. Now you have Athrun's expression in that moment. Kira shuddered. He did not like imagining Lacus being eaten by that thing, but his level of disgust and horror was about the same. Gruesome metaphor for a gruesome excuse of a story.

"D-Does this person even speak English?" Kira stuttered, breaking the stunned silence. Seeing this gave him serious doubts about saving humanity.

"I can't believe this. Even my name is spelled wrong. She spelled my name wrong!"

"How do you know it's a girl...?"

"Kira, her pen-name is Mrsatrunzala. I think there's little doubt of that."

"Where do you see...oh, ha ha there it is. That's hilarious."

Athrun growled, and threw a pillow at his head. "It is not! These stories are horrible. It is morally wrong for people to continue writing them. Besides, I don't particularly remember marrying anyone recently."

"Maybe so, but that's never stopped people before. And, as far as the marriage thing goes, of course you're going to find people like that. They're called fangirls. " Kira's hand came up to run his fingers through his hair, and he shuddered. "I almost...got trampled by a pack of them once."

Green eyes widened, and his mouth twisted into a strange cross between amusement and concern. "You never told me that."

"I don't like to talk about it."

"Well, all right, all right. No need to cry." Because Kira's eyes were indeed about to tear up just remembering the incident. Athrun was always in space, so he'd kind of lucked out he supposed.

Kira sniffed, but more or less pulled himself together. After all, this wasn't Gundam Seed. "I'm not crying! Come on, let's keep looking."

And look they did, for better or for worse. Some of their findings were rather interesting, to say the least. Why did people find it so appealing to stick their favorite characters in a high school setting? Why would you even wish that upon someone? Kira and Athrun had enough drama as it was without it. Unfortunately for them though, that seemed to be a popular theme. Actually, most themes they were seeing were painfully overused.

Athrun has to move and starts at Archangel High...(Yes, those types of stories numbered in the hundreds).

…Athrun and Cagalli meet under the starlit sky of the city festival...(because that wasn't cliché at all).

She was his best friend's sister, what was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to love her? (They must have seen dozens of those. Contrary to popular believe, their show was not a soap opera. Give it a rest).

All he wanted was to drop everything and fulfill his life-long dream of becoming a goat-herder, but Athrun's father has other plans for him. Luckily, cowgirl Cagalli is there to help him break out of his shell. (Now wasn't that just weird...)

Athrun is a vampire who has been searching through the ages for a mate, and now he has finally found her...

"Wait, stop. Stop! What the hell. That doesn't make any sense. Why would you even...argh. I don't understand. Why is it that people are so obsessed with vampires? I'm a mobile suit pilot. I drive around giant humanoid robots for a living! How do you get vampire out of that?"

"Well a lot of people seem to like putting you in an alternate universe as a vampire. I guess that makes a little more sense than..."

"No. No, it doesn't. I've been in enough battles to taste my own blood before. I hate it. No amount of twisting and turning of the setting is going to make it okay to completely change my character. I can't stand being bound against my will to anything. I would never survive as a blood-sucking, havoc wreaking fiend." Man, when Athrun wanted to rant, he could rant. He was breathing heavily by the time his speech had ended.

"Okay, simmer down. You're right."

"Hmph. Of course I am."

"Now, that being said, I'm gonna click on this link and read about you as a blood-sucking, havoc wreaking fiend."

A sigh, as he felt the bed shake when his best friend flopped down on his stomach. "Why did I know you were going to say that?" His face was hidden inside of his hand, in a gesture that can only be described as, 'facepalm.'

"Because I'm your best friend and you love me, faults and all?"

Athrun rolled his eyes, while Kira scooted up closer to him and hugged him around the waist. "Yeah, something like that. Fine, let's get this over with."

"Yay!" Kira shouted. Eagerly, he sat up and clicked on the blue title link, and a second later, the story popped up on the screen. Without delay, he began to read. Out loud, in the most obnoxious voice he could muster.

He moved with the shadows...trench coat sliding against the ground, collar popped up to hide half of his face. His skin was pale white, and even in the faint light of the moon you could see his fangs glisten where they protruded from his mouth. A sturdy metal crossbow was strapped to his back. Why? Because this is a vampire fanfic, silly. He has to be a badass. That was why there was also a kitana hanging from his hip. And yes, somehow, inexplicably, we can still see it even though he's wearing a trench coat. Thank the poor descriptive skills of this author, who is trying way too hard to sound cool.

Anyway, he was walking. Slowly, silently. Almost as if he were gliding along. He had to be. All real vampires were graceful, weren't they? It was his job to be as cliché and stereo typical as possible because this author didn't have much imagination. Wasn't his fault.

Ah, but he was sad. Epically, spiritually, devastatingly sad. Being alone for 2,000 years tended to do that to people. He wanted...no. Needed, a partner. Someone to bond with, hold, cherish. Someone to satisfy the never-ending thirst. Someone who wouldn't mind if he gnawed on their neck more than necessary. Someone who wouldn't care if they tried out new, inventive ways of making love. Like upside down in a tree. Or chained sideways in a coffin. Or something.

2,000 years also made one rather bored...with everything.

Onward he walked. Walking. Just walking. Now we're getting onto the angst more and more, but I'm a newbie author and I'm not sure what to do, so I'm going to try to make excessive walking sound dramatic, without specifying on the state of mind of Athrun Zala the vampire. Oh right, I forgot to mention his name. And, because I'm an idiot, I am also combining stories with author's notes. I'm still talking to you, aren't I? Oops, I'd better move on before the flow of the story is interrupted and you stop caring what it was about in the first place.

Conveniently enough, this was the point where a young woman with short blonde hair passed Athrun on the sidewalk. Instantly, he was bombarded with emotions. Who was she? She was beautiful. He was so in love with her! Like, really. Totally.

He grabbed her arm and pulled her against him, and in a silky smooth voice, whispered in her ear. "You belong to me, my sweet."

To his surprise, she didn't go for it immediately. The girl pulled her arm away and scowled at him, her pretty face screwed up in annoyance. "Who the hell are you? You've got a lot of nerve, telling me that when we don't even know each other. Blah, blah, blah. I'm the heroine so I'm going to spout a bunch of nonsense about how I don't love you back and that I want to get away from you."

Athrun the vampire raised an eyebrow, frowning. "So does this mean I should let you go? If I'm a respectable guy, I should..."

"No, silly! I was only saying that because virtually every character in every romance has to put up some sort of futile resistance. Of course I want you too!"

"Great! I'm so happy. We just skipped about fifteen pointless chapters! Come, allow me to partake from that gorgeous, slender neck of yours. Oh yeah, what was your name again?"

"Cagalli," she answered with a smile. Without further adieu, she lifted her hair up and offered him her throat. "I'm ready for you."

And so, Athrun sucked nearly all of the blood from her body, and she collapsed. But, that was all right because now she was a vampire too and would recover with time. He jumped into his mobile suit with her in his arms and took off toward his lair, where they would spend eternity...together.

Or until the next war anyway.

~Fin~

For a moment, the pair said nothing. They just sat together on the bed. Blinking. Wondering what the hell had just happened.

It only lasted for a few seconds though. Kira bursted out laughing. He just couldn't help himself.

"That was so bad it was good!" he screeched between bouts of giggling, while Athrun sat sulking, with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Of all the ridiculous..." He muttered, his hand over his face once again. Then he sighed heavily, shoulders slumping. "Kira?"

"Yeah?"

"Let me borrow your flamethrower. I'm going to burn every trench-coat I have."

"...why do you have multiple trench-coats?"

"Why do you have a flamethrower?"

"Touche, Athrun. Touche."

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This fic gets more and more fun with every second XD

Thanks for reading! Reviews? Please? I'll give you Pocky.