Purple Prose from Cellblock 74: The Risian Ribald
Author: Christina and the VS 7.5 writing staff
"Contagious? Pon Farr is contagious?" Blont said. Nunk stifled a groan. He could just imagine the direction his brother's mind was heading.
"We can't. We're in here."
"Maybe not," Blont said with a smile. "I have friends. The ultimate aphrodisiac. Everyone will want to buy. We'll be rich..."
Nunk rolled his eyes. "Let me read the next one." He hoped that this might distract his brother from anymore scheming. A quick glance told him it would only worsen the matter. He read this one to himself. He then scanned the rest of the PADD hoping their mom had sent him other such ads. Blont didn't notice the extended silence.
Ladies, the makers of Stud in the Box(r) proudly present the newest Delta Quadrant Holographic techniques, to bring you holograms at prices so low everyone can afford one or even two. Satisfy your wildest fantasies safely and in the privacy of your own home. Using specially designed holographic mirrors, our holograms can do anything - and we do mean anything. Call 78-boxstud for our catalog, then look through the many exciting models - a hologram for every mood and desire.
Call 78-boxstud and mention this ad, and we'll send you your a coupon worth 10 credits for use on your first purchase.
Remember 78 boxstud, get your Emergency Sexual Holomale today!
The makers of Stud in the Box(r) are not responsible for damage or injuries as a result of usage of this product. Caller must be over 18. Any resemblance to living persons is accidental and not intentional. Licensing and copyright pending.
Nunk moved quickly to the next article. This one sounded particularly unpleasant, in a pleasant sort of way.
A Delta Quadrant Pleasure Palace or a House of Horrors?
by Nado Tathet
Taresia.
The very name sounds like it should evokes pleasure. And an initial description could equate this planet of beautiful babes to Risa.
With the recent confirmation of the Delta Quadrant Exploratory Fleet, could Taresia become the Risa of the Delta Quadrant? U.S.S Voyager's only encounter with the women of Taresia is a titillating tale of tempting treats: the male fantasy come true.
On the surface that is just what it sounds like - the lucky man gets his choice of sexual partners (yes, plural) and promises of pleasure and delight. But, before every male enlists in Starfleet, this is a cautionary tale. The old adage, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, definitely is true in this case.
The Taresian women are the Courting Widow Tresk of the Delta Quadrant. They entice the male of the species to their lair and eat them in a peculiar process of mating, the male's DNA is collected in a pouch off the digestive tract.
The Taresian women strip the DNA out of their mates, leaving behind a rotting corpse.
But the story gets worse. They are also brilliant scientists who have genetically engineered a virus to incorporate Taresian DNA into a male host. They have the capability to turn any humanoid male into a potential mate.
A kind of *love bug* that found its way onto Voyager. Poor Ensign Harry Kim (now Lieutenant, j.g.), perhaps the unluckiest man in love, thought it was Paradise. Having been infected with this modified virus, he became the Taresian's willing plaything...Just barely escaping with his life, after he discovered just what the hedonistic pleasures his Taresian brides had planned for him. Lucky man if maybe a little wiser.
When asked about the encounter, the only one who would talk about the subject was Voyager's enigmatic Emergency Medical Hologram, Dr. Mark Zimmerman. He went on to explain in great detail the nature of the manufactured virus - and promised that his tenth article on Delta Quadrant medicine to be published in the prestigious Federation Journal of Medicine would be about the Taresians. Lieutenant Harry Kim refused to talk about the incident.
"That's creepy. Females..." Blont grinned lasciviously. "I bet they do great oo-mox though."
"I don't like how they do it," Nunk retorted.
"Whatever. Are there any Vulcans here?"
"Vulcans don't get thrown in jail," Nunk replied.
"Maybe someone on the staff. Find out," Blont ordered. "Continue reading."
"Murder in the Delta Quadrant?"
by Amalia X. Perabody the Ribald's Prize-Winning Ace Investigative Reporter
Relatives of the lost crew of the science vessel "Equinox," destroyed by Delta Quadrant aliens who attacked and almost wiped out Voyager, wonder why Captain Janeway and her crew were unable to save more of the science vessel's crew when the smaller vessel crossed their path over four years ago.
Alvin Burke wants to know what really happened to his brother, Lt. Commander Maxwell Burke, who lost his life on the Equinox. "Why is Starfleet covering up the facts? We know more of the crew had survived up to that point, including my brother, but Janeway, her crew, and even the five rescued from the Equinox are all keeping quiet. What are they hiding?"
Attempts by this reporter to speak to the former crew members of the Equinox were rebuffed. Noah Lessing, Brian Sofin, and Angelo Tessoni all refused to be interviewed. Only after a long search was one Equinox crewman located, in Proxima Prison in the Alpha Centauri system, in the midst of serving 29 days on drunk and disorderly charges. James Morrow refused to comment about the circumstances of his conviction on Alpha Centauri.
Most disturbing of all, Crewman Marla Gilmore has not only left Starfleet, she has also disappeared without a trace from public view.
The five former crew members of the Equinox all received General Discharges. While not the same as a dishonorable discharge, our legal expert Davis Heron notes that a General Discharge is "less than honorable." Since Morrow refused to explain what the reasons and terms of his discharge were, even to Alpha Centauri court officials, Heron suggests that his silence, as well as that of the other members of the crew, may have been bought by threats of prosecution if the terms of their departure from Starfleet become known.
Persistent, although unsubstantiated rumors have circulated for over a year now that a murder was committed on the Equinox. Whether this was before or after that ship's fateful meeting with Voyager has not been clarified.
The silence about what really happened to the Equinox - and to the missing Marla Gilmore - can only lead to unhealthy speculation about why the rest of the Equinox crew was apparently abandoned by Captain Janeway. Even if Starfleet's fair-haired girl Kathryn Janeway's reputation might be tarnished by the truth's being told, the public has a right to know the complete story of how each member of the lost crew met his or her fate.
"I know I'll never see my husband again," laments Sylvia Ransom, widow of the Equinox's well-regarded Captain Rudolph Ransom, who was lost with his ship. "If only I could learn the full story of what happened to him, I'm sure it would ease my mind."
"Most curious," Nunk said when he finished. "That Ensign Gilmore had such lovely fingers."
Blont shook his head. "Brother, you need to think about how we're going to turn a profit in here."
"I'd rather think about the luscious B'Elanna...or that Borg, Seven. Ummmm, her attributes...
"Nunk! Read."
Talk of the Quadrant
by WinChel Hedlou - exclusive to the Risian Ribald
Your Humble Correspondent has spent the last few weeks on the lovely planet Earth, reveling in the natural beauties and scenic wonders (most of whom are found trolling the tropical beaches) and catching up on all the latest dish from the heart of the Federation. And believe you me, there is enough dish for a banquet! Yes, indeed, tongues are wagging about the crew of the USS Voyager and their amorous adventures in the other side of the galaxy.
For all the dangers the Delta Quadrant offered, it appears that the isolation and peril provided a jump start to the libido of the stalwart Starfleeters, mysterious Maquis and assorted aliens they met along the way. Mum was the word while the ship was still far from home, but now that they are safely back, the sizzling details are proving too hot to keep under wraps any longer!
And for Dessert... Rumor has it that the ship's cook was serving up more than just meals in the mess hall. The way Your Humble Correspondent heard the story, the inventive chef kept not one, but two feminine companions smiling in the kitchen during the eight year journey. Ah, but don't jump to that conclusion yet - apparently the happy helpers were sequential, not concurrent. (It was a very small kitchen!) The story goes that first one was an elfin beauty who, alas, did not survive the perilous trip. The second is a coy ex-drone who caught the grieving gastronomic guru on the rebound. No wonder Voyager's crew talks about the spicy food on the ship!
Location, Location, Location... Those close to the Voyager crew are quietly speculating about a certain couple whose passionate play made deck nine, section twelve THE place for romance on Voyager. There are those who wonder (privately, of course) whether the couple can maintain the same intensity of ardent amore away from the indulgent confines of Voyager. Is this a flame doomed to burn itself out, or the Real Deal? Your Humble Correspondent will continue to follow this story.
Talk About Sophisticated Programming... When it was spring on Voyager, even holograms lightly turned to thoughts of love. Intimate idylls abounded in a certain recreation of an Irish village, but the ruler of romance among the photonic set was a certain healer who reportedly dispensed more than just medical care! Among his alleged conquests are a physician, a mathematician, an opera diva, a soldier and a professor - each from different Delta Quadrant worlds. Now, that's what Your Humble Correspondent calls taking care of what ails you!
Puppy Love... When love was in the air, not even the youngsters on Voyager proved immune. The adults looked on as the two teens on board - a Ktarian cutie and another ex-drone - discovered the agonies and ecstasies of Young Love. Word has it that cooler heads intervened before things progressed much beyond tender feelings so the young ones can find out if it was True Love or merely propinquity. Now that they are both on Earth again, we look forward to future reports.
Don't Play Poker With ... If the old adage "Lucky at cards, unlucky at love" is true, then you don't want to play poker with a certain former Ops officer. He hasn't found Miss Right yet, but it's not for lack of trying! Deep in the Delta Quadrant, he pursued a hologram, a life-sucking alien, the wrong twin, an ex-Borg, not one but two terrorists, and last but not least, a suspected murderess. Rumors are rampant that the last heartless hussy left him practically at the altar. Hope may spring eternal, but word is that the poor man is now disillusioned to the point of foreswearing any more affaires du coeur. Your Humble Correspondent finds this too sad to contemplate. Surely, ladies, one of you can restore this gallant guy's faith in the power of the heart?
Love Conquers All?... If Cupid has an arch enemy, it must be the spectre of the evil Career Conflict. Those in the know are beginning to wonder if the relationship of a certain former starship captain and her former first officer is running aground on the shoals of competing priorities. Still on leave of absence, the passionate pugilist is said to be on track for a very different career path than his ambitious lady love. Or perhaps it's simply that his affinity for blondes has resurfaced? Your Humble Correspondent will keep eyes fixed on San Francisco in coming months to see if Love triumphs or is K-O'ed in the final round.
That's all for now, friends and lovers. Your Humble Correspondent will be back next month so you can hear the Talk of the Quadrant.
Nunk reread that article to himself. Blont had closed his eyes and was deep in thought. Nunk hated that look. He started to read the next article. "Hey, it's about us!"
Blont stood quickly. "Give me that." Nunk relinquished the PADD. Someone knew their story. Maybe, Moogie could get them out of here.
Misplaced Alliances
by I Tirmo Bresnel
Six months ago, when I was approached by representatives from the Ferengi government to investigate the apparent illegal arrest and incarceration of two Ferengi businessmen, Blont and Nunk. It took months to actually find the trial record. It had been heavily edited, but imagine my surprise to learn two interesting facts. 1. Their accomplices were apparently Romulan Pirates. 2. Their target was Voyager.
An interesting target - and apparently one these two had tried to nab before. The information on the first attempt on Voyager are very sketchy. These two seem to have exposed some serious lapses in Starfleet intelligence and security - so it's no wonder anyone in Starfleet is willing to talk. The last attempt was very brazen and public. Witnesses at Deep Space Nine were more than willing to discuss what they saw, especially the furious Ferengi Bartender Quark. "Those two give Ferengi businessmen a bad name."
I informed the representative who was not pleased with my results. The Ferengi government is still convinced that Starfleet is holding the brothers illegally.
I then tried to find out more about these Romulan pirates. The new Romulan ambassador to the Federation, Ambassador Ralurm was most unhappy at my insistence, but eventually she did say that the pirates had been dealt with. In true Romulan style, she refused to reveal their identity, , implying that these pirates probably had some high-level help and were probably in no shape to talk to anyone. Never the less, I was denied entry into Romulan space.
Prison authorities denied me permission to interview Blont and Nunk, so I tried speaking to relatives. Their mother was most cooperative, but did not know why her "dear sons" were in prison.
I get the usual platitudes from the many officials I contacted, like "The Romulan government stands behind our alliance with the Federation."
But do they? After years of open hostility, just why did the Romulans suddenly agree to ally themselves with the Federation? Was the government truly involved? What do the Romulans hope to gain from this alliance?
To be continued in next week's Risian Ribald.
"Well?" Nunk asked when his brother finished. "What happens next?"
There were several seconds of silence, then Blont grunted. "Females! Moogie didn't send the continuation. I hadn't heard anyone wanted to interview us. I'll have to speak to the warden." He handed the PADD back to Nunk. "You need to go clean latrines, or whatever you do. I'm going to think for a while."
Nunk placed the PADD on the table. He signaled the guard to let him out. As the heavy door opened, Blont said, very quietly. "And don't forget about the Vulcans."