Another wildly random chapter. And I do mean random. Some credit must, as always, go to my dear friends. The random shriek in the cornfield (read on) is a word invented by my friend Panda, and we can pretty much blame the situation of Will being eaten on Cate. Confused? Keep reading then! : )
Oh yes, Congratulations to Julia Rose who spotted our Johnny Depp quote! [applauds] Good luck on this chapter's random reference, and random quote! Chapter the SecondJack, Will, Elizabeth and the bonsai walked through the cornfield. Not that the tree walked, because it didn't. Walk, you know. It was carried. Specifically by Jack, who continued protesting that it wasn't his tree. Everyone else walked. Until they came upon a harpoon.
Jack handed the bonsai to Elizabeth and picked up the harpoon. He examined it minutely for upwards of three minutes. "I think it's a harpoon," Jack finally concluded.
"I think you're right," Will agreed, slightly amused and slightly annoyed at Jack's lengthy deliberation to arrive at this conclusion.
"Though it seems to be made of some sponge-like substance," Jack mused. For the twenty-first century readers, it seems reasonable to put in that it was really rather similar in substance to a Nerf football. Not that Jack would know about Nerf footballs. "
"So…what should I do with the harpoon?" Jack asked.
"I believe most people throw them at whales," Will said dryly.
Jack shrugged. "Okay." And then he threw the harpoon.
Will blinked. "Jack, we're in a cornfield. There's no—"
A cry rent the still night air. "HAHUWAGGA!!"
Jack put a hand to his ear. "Was that a whale? I think that was a whale. Did anyone else hear a whale?"
"Jack, how can you possibly identify a whale by sound?" Will asked, clearly in doubt of the pirate captain's abilities in that regard.
Jack laid a hand on his chest. "After many years of sailing the briny deep, one learns the calls of the sea creatures."
"Perhaps, but I really doubt that whales are likely to shriek 'HAHUWAGGA!!' to the skies," Will pointed out, calmly enough except for the shout in the middle. Elizabeth looked at him funny due to that middle section of the sentence. You know. The HAHUWAGGA part.
"Not at all!" Jack waxed poetic. "Many times while out sailing, water all around as far as the eye can see, I have heard the song of the whales, as they shriek their call of 'HAHUWAGGA!!' to the stars above…" He shrugged. "Or else I just took a guess that it was a whale. What else would be shouting 'HAHUWAGGA!!' anyway?"
Elizabeth stared at them, and shook her head. "You're both crazy."
Meanwhile elsewhere in the cornfield, a Nerf harpoon had just hit Commodore Norrington.
But back with Jack, Will and Elizabeth. And the bonsai, of course. They continued walking. Judging by position of the stars, they'd been walking for upwards of an hour. (Jack apparently knew something about navigating by the stars, and therefore about telling time by them, and that seemed more likely than his knowledge of the calls of sea creature. Though he didn't seem to know enough to be able to navigate by them on land.) The cornfield just wasn't that big. They were obviously going in circles. Jack suggested that they split up. It would be easy to divide the group: they'd simply do it evenly. Will and Elizabeth would go one direction, Jack and the bonsai would go another.
Such was the plan, and such was what they did. Will and Elizabeth went one way, Jack and the bonsai the opposite. This continued for slightly more than twenty minutes, with nothing happening.
And then, after slightly more than twenty minutes, something happened.
Will and Elizabeth jumped back as a giant, boxy form fell through the corn on their left and hit the ground with a thump. They stared at it.
"I…think it's a mattress," Will ventured.
"Why is there a mattress in a cornfield?" Elizabeth asked.
"Why is there a salad bowl?" Will countered. "With a cape?"
"Good question. Jack's right. It's a strange place."
Will nodded absently, walking up to the mattress and poking it with his foot.
"Will, be careful," Elizabeth warned.
Will shrugged. "It's a mattress. What it's going to do to me? Though knowing this place, it might be some kind of psycho killer mattress that eats people ali—"
At that moment the mattress opened and swallowed Will Turner.
Elizabeth stared at the mattress, frozen. "Will?" she whispered.
The mattress made a sound remarkably like a burp.
"Will!"
There was no further response.
Elizabeth stood there, heart hammering, unsure what to do. Fighting with undead pirates was one thing, fighting with a carnivorous mattress was another thing entirely, and she was at something of a loss. She considered shouting Will's name again, but had to admit that it probably wouldn't help. In fact, there was probably only one thing she could shout, one thing in all the world that had any likelihood of helping. "JACK!!"
The cornstalks parted and Jack's head emerged. "You hollered?"
Elizabeth pointed at the mattress. "A mattress just ate my husband!"
Jack blinked. "A mattress ate the whelp? Really?"
"Don't just stand there! Do something!"
Jack eyed the mattress uncomfortably. "Um…I have a funny feeling it doesn't like me."
Elizabeth threw up her hands. "A mattress is digesting Will and you're worried about the mattress' company preferences?"
Jack shrugged. "All right, all right. Here. Hold the tree." Once the bonsai was given to Elizabeth, Jack approached the mattress. He frowned at it. "Open. Sesame?"
No response.
Jack kicked the mattress. "Come on. Open!"
It didn't. Desperate measures were required.
Jack jumped up and down on the mattress. "Release the whelp! My whelp! Not your whelp!" Somewhere in the middle of his bouncing, Jack lost his footing. "Whoops." Jack's feet went out from under him and he flopped face-down on the mattress. He bounced once. From this new vantage point, he noticed the zipper on one side of the mattress. He yanked the zipper down, and stuck his head in. "Whelp? You in there?"
And before anyone could so much as blink, the mattress swallowed Captain Jack Sparrow.
Elizabeth looked at the mattress, then looked at the tree. "I don't think this is good," she told it.
Actually, in a strange sort of way, it was. The mattress shivered, turned green, and spat Jack out. The pirate had one hand clapped to his hat and the other one attached to Will's wrist. It took a few yanks, once Jack was out, to pull Will out as well, but Jack managed it. Both men were somewhat the worse for wear, with bits of cotton stuffing sticking to them.
Jack looked at the mattress with a superior expression. "I told you. My whelp."
Elizabeth pushed the bonsai at Jack and hurried to hug Will, who was looking somewhat dazed.
"That was…very strange," Will said faintly.
"Could've been worse, mate," Jack said matter-of-factly. "We could've been sucked into the fiery pits of Hell."
Will and Elizabeth stared at him for a moment, then decided to ignore that.
"Why did it spit you out, Jack?" Elizabeth asked, purely out of curiosity. And it didn't really make a lot of sense.
"I taste bad," Jack said simply. Seeing their blank looks, he shrugged. "It's the eyeliner."
The words were barely finished being said when a man appeared in front of Jack. Not that there was any connection. They just happened to be simultaneous. Anyway, a man appeared. He didn't look like a pirate, and he didn't look like a soldier, and he really didn't look like anyone else from Port Royal. Blue jeans, a sweatshirt, sneakers. Jack, Will and Elizabeth stared at him.
"Mind if I cut in? I'll just be a minute."
Jack looked at him, confused. "Where did you come from?"
"I was watching from behind the cameras," the man said briskly.
"Cameras?"
"And I had to commend you on your superb acting."
"Acting?"
"I have never seen anyone be eaten by a mattress with such grace, such form! Such emotion!" the man raved.
Jack stared at him. "What?"
"Really, an incredible acting job, Johnny!"
Jack backed up and flung his arms out, swaying as though caught in a high wind or an earthquake. "WOW, wow, wow, I'm sensing confusion here! Let's get this straight." He laid a hand on his chest. "The name's Jack. Captain Jack Sparrow. Jack is short for John. So is Johnny. But no one calls me Johnny." He leaned forward, menacingly. "No one." He considered. "Well, except my mother."
The man grinned. "Sure, Johnny. Always in character, aren't you?"
Jack frowned at him. "Alright, I've got three questions for you." He held up a finger. "One: who are you?" He held up a second finger. "Two: do you know a way out of this bloody cornfield?" He held up a third finger. "And three…" He held up the bonsai. "Would you like a tree?"
The man laughed. "Beautiful, Johnny, beautiful. You just keep up the good work, I gotta run." He took two steps forward and vanished.
Jack stared at the spot where the man had been. "What was that? Who was that?" he asked wildly. "One second I'm being eaten by a mattress, and the next a second a guy jumps out and is shouting 'BRILL-iant!' at me!"
To which questions Will and Elizabeth had no answers.
~~~***~~~
Reviewer Replies:
Silverfang: What has Jack gotten himself into? A cornfield, of course! Lol, just kidding, I know what you mean. He's gotten himself into…the imagination of a girl with too much stress and a penchant for random stories. Which isn't quite what you meant either, but which is entirely true.
Julia Rose: [looks suspicious] Are you sure you're not Cate? Between the "meh," the "funny ol' world, innit?" and the random Jack trivia, you sound a lot like her…but she swears you aren't, so you aren't. Anyway, congratulations on knowing the random trivia! I would give you something, but I have nothing to give…no prizes that can be awarded via the internet anyway.
Purple Stain: I really hope you didn't read this chapter while eating, or while in Algebra class…I told you that was a bad idea last time. : )
Skimbleshanks: Coherency later? No…probably not.
Whatshername: Ah yes…the flying pink elephant…and you said it had dubious beginnings. I feel vindicated, lol.
Red Tabby Tigress: Yes…very insane.
Mallory: I knew that. But thank you!
Hanakin: And as stated…insane.
That's all for now. Much more to come!