.°.No Point for Tears.°.
.•.Acceptance.•.
ЖЖЖ
Looking back, it was silly of me to think that the three people closest to me—outside of my family, of course—wouldn't ever figure out that something wasn't right about me. I have to admit, I always thought that it would have been Inuyasha. He was the one that I spent the most time with but I for one know that you don't see what you don't want to.
And he didn't want to see the signs that I'd shrivel up and die in front of him just like his mother hand. If I had known about his mom in the start I would have never became serious with him, I wouldn't have wanted to put him through that type of pain. But it took until the fifth month that he finally told me how his mom had died… and the sixth for him to tell me how that was the spark for his downward spiral.
I didn't want to be the next spark.
"Kagome," Sango slowly coaxed out, her eyes locked on me. She had come to visit me on one of my many sick days, they had really started to add up in the year I knew her. Inuyasha never really realized how many there were. Sure he was aware I missed more school than the average girl but I was always complaining about school that he thought I faked it.
He always thought my parents gave me everything I wanted and if I pouted and asked not to go for the day they'd cave in. It's true, in those last years they gave me everything. It sucked, though, since I couldn't give them the one thing I really wanted to—ease of mind. They'd have to deal with the grief… and really they weren't good at that.
At least, not together, my mom became crazy serious about cleaning. Everything always had to be clean; as if she could get control of that one part of her life then somehow everything else would fall into line. My father… work was his escape. They tried not to fight while I was around but my growing demise was tearing them apart and it hurt.
"Sango?" I replied as he wrapped the sheets around me.
"How sick are you?" she warily questioned with a tilt of her head.
"Oh, it's just a cold," I assured with a wave of my hand and a phony smile but that time she didn't buy it. Her frown grew deeper, that time she wasn't going to buy it.
"Seriously, Kagome, how sick are you?"
How can I look her straight in the eye and lie? "Really… really sick."
She pressed her lips with a nod, "how bad?"
"Two to three years," I muttered. Like everyone else, she misunderstood. She thought that was how long I have been sick.
"Wow," she whispered before taking my hands into hers, "what the doctors say? How long until you get better?"
"No, that's not what I meant," I mumbled as I pulled my hands free, "I've got three years left… and that's even wishful thinking. That's betting that treatments are working."
There was an ever so long pause, it seemed like an eternity, where she let that knowledge sink in. Then, finally, she blinked and swallowed down some sobs as she looked away. Before the plaguing question came—the one I knew would show up as soon as she found out. "Does Inuyasha know?"
"No," I shook my head even. "Please… don't tell him, Sango."
"Doesn't he deserve to know?" She inquired.
"Yes," I whispered, "but I can't take him looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"That, the way you are right now, endless pity pouring into me. I don't want that. This knowledge is tearing my family apart, my parents… I love him; I don't want to hurt him."
"You're going to," Sango murmured, "if what you say is true… Kagome, you look less healthy each day. Inuyasha's more perceptive about physical stuff than any of us. I bet he knows he just hasn't accepted it yet. Do you want him to find out from someone else or you?"
"Is that a threat?" I gasped with an opened mouth.
Sango couldn't help but shake her head, "no, but other people must know. He'll find out eventually. Tell him, Kagome."
"I…" just nodded at that before looking back down at my bedding. How could I? I had thought of a thousand different ways but none seemed right. Honestly, not knowing his reaction was what scared me most. Would he be mad that I kept it? I assumed so. Would he break up with me? Not want to deal with a dying girl?
Is it wrong that I sort of hoped he would? If that meant he could avoid the pain of watching me wither away I would be okay with that.
It took a kiss upon my forehead to make me zoon back into the moment, Sango just smiled softly at me, "I love you, Kagome, if there is anything I do for you just say the word."
"Don't tell Miroku," I quickly requested, "give me a week to tell Inuyasha first. As soon as Miroku knows so will he… you know how those two are."
"Completely incapable of keeping secrets from one another," she lightly laughed, "yes, I know. It's kind of pathetic."
I just absently nodded at that… I'd have to tell him. I knew that day was coming.
ЖЖ
"You're feisty tonight," Inuyasha chuckled with a grin as I pushed him down upon his bed—which, of course, meant he let me. He was, after all, ten times stronger than me on a good day.
"Is that bad?" I asked with a pout.
He shook his head as he propped himself up with his hands, "I like it."
"Good," I whispered as I picked up the bag I had brought with me that night. I had already told my mom not to expect me back that night—that I was going to finally tell Inuyasha I was just going to savor some time with him first. "Hold on, for a while, babe."
"Babe?" he questioned with a lopsided smile, "you never call me that."
I just shrugged as I went into his bathroom. I had to stop and admire his new accommodations for a while. Granted, he was on a tighter budget now that he was only working part-time and paying tuition, but since Miroku graduated they moved in together, they were even going to the same college. My dear perverted friend was from an affluent family and often paid their rent in whole. It pissed Inuyasha off more than anything else he did, he hated to the notion of someone else taking care of him like that. But after a week of calling Miroku every name in the book, he'd finally forgive him.
"Kagome!" he called out to snap me out of it. I took a deep breath in as I looked to the mirror to see the black lingerie with red lace—his favorite color—Sango had helped me pick out. "An hour's gone by!"
I rolled my eyes at that; I maybe had been in there for fifteen to twenty minutes getting myself ready. He was the world's most impatient man. I still had to take a deep breath in as I picked up the black satin kimono wrap to put it on before I turned to open the door.
That was going to be the night I gave myself to him… afterwards, I'd tell him the truth and see what he had to say.
He just laid on his bed with his hands folded behind his head as he waited for me to make my appearance, the moment I caught his eyes he sat up straight with a look of awe upon his handsome face. I couldn't help but smile—I was doing that to him. And I wanted to do so much more…
"You like?" I questioned but I had yet to reveal what was underneath… for now I looked sexy, but when he saw that? I was too skinny though I had been doing better lately. I ate, even though I wasn't hungry.
"I like," he assured.
"I want… us to go all the way, Inuyasha," meekly I said, for a moment he just stared at me—a bit dumbfounded I dare say.
"What do you mean?"
Apparently, I didn't make myself very clear. I can't blame him, we'd been together for a year and I hadn't ever said something like that to him. I wonder if he thought that just maybe I'd never screw him—would he have been alright with that?
"This…" I replied, my nerves on edge, as I let my wrap fall to the floor.
For too long there was silence, his eyes locked upon me unblinking, I wondered if he was disappointed. Not as beautiful below it all as he might have thought?
Until, finally, he whispered, "You're beautiful."
And I, an unsure seventeen year old, muttered, "You're my boyfriend, you have to say that."
"When do I lie?" he countered with brows lightly bent together.
That was an all to easy one to reply, I just rolled my eyes, "all the time, Inuyasha."
"When do I lie to you?" He rejoined as he stood up to walk up to me, placing his hands gently upon my arms. "And you know I tell the harsh truths, all the time. And that's what this is, you are beautiful. I don't think I can live without ya' anymore."
"Without sex?" I translated as I looked up to him.
"Without you," he insisted, "stop putting words into my mouth, Kagome."
I smiled even though that broke my heart, quickly I wrapped my arms around his neck to burry my head in his shoulders. He had to live without me; he had to find a way…
"We don't have to do this, you know," he murmured into my ear as he gently held me back, as if even then he already knew how delicate I really was. "If you think I need this you're wrong."
I shook my head against his shoulder, "maybe not, but I do."
"Well, if you say so," he said as if trying to pretend he was doing me a favor by accepting my request. It gave me a shiver when he whispered into my ear, his warm breath wafting against my bare skin, "I'll be gentle, trust me."
"I do," I always had. Trusting him was never the problem… my fear of hurting him was.
As promised he tenderly laid me down on his bed. He allowed his eyes to shift up and down me a couple of times before his hands started to roam my body—our lips crashed, our tongues tied. His searched the inside of mine, around all the crevasses, but he already knew every bit of that region.
I gasped into his mouth as his hand slid below my black panties to insert his finger into me while letting his thumb find the most pleasurable spot under my folds. His tongue lapped my neck as his teeth scrapped it just enough to give me shivers. A warm mouth wrapped around my breasts, suckling upon my sensitive nipples—I think I even whimpered at his touch as he indulged me below. As soon as he deemed down there to be damp enough he withdrew his digits to yank my panties all the way off.
Cautiously, he poised himself at my entrance, letting his caring sunlit gaze to meet mine waiting for a sign of approval. A nod was all it took for him to plunge in—there was a spark of pain but plenty of pleasure to follow that it didn't matter. We rocked together, entwined like I always envisioned our souls to be.
His mouth collided with mine all the while, telling me how much I mattered.
The throbbing, building, thriving need that he sparked within me finally exploded—allowing me to fly up and get a sneak peak at the pearly white gates I may soon seen.
Then, when he came, he called out my name.
He lazily smiled at me after it was all done, while he enclosed me in his arms. I weakly returned the gesture as our legs twisted together. His warmth wrapped around me, deluding me into thinking for a while that everything would magically be alright. That our love could somehow perform a miracle and cure me, and I indulged myself in that fantasy as I shut my eyes…
Not knowing that would lead to me falling asleep and waking up to an empty bed. I knew right away he hadn't walked out on me; there was no pain, just some regret that his heat was no longer transferring to me. I did look around for a letter all the same and found one crumpled on his pillow. He worked almost all day Saturday and Sunday since he started to go to school.
I lost my prime chance at telling him what I had meant to for so long…
I wasn't one to curse but I still whispered, "fuck."
Ж
"Hey babe," Inuyasha instantly grinned at the sight of me as he whipped the grease off of his hand and walked out of the garage he worked at to see me. He kissed me, ignoring the stares of his co-workers.
"You're off now, right?" I quickly questioned, forcing a smile.
"Uh-huh, sorry about leaving you this morning like that, I had to come in early to cover for a friend," he explained as he grabbed his jacket. "Want to go get dinner or something?"
"Actually, I want to talk to you first," I countered as I took his hands into mine, "then… it's up to you if you want us to get dinner, too."
"That sounds ominous," he tried to joke only to frown when he realized it was just that—gloomy.
Once we got to the park and found a bench, away from plenty of people, his first guess almost broke my heart, "you're breaking up with me?"
Quickly, I shook my head as I squeezed his hands harder, "how could you say that?"
"Then what is it?" he asked with his brows furrowed together, "Kagome, you're kinda freaking me out here."
"I…" but how could I tell him? How could I shatter his world like that? I felt tears threaten to swell up as I pressed my lips together, choking completely on the words—forgetting wholly everything I meant to say.
"I love you," he asserted as he stroked a few strands behind my ear, "I love you a lot, Kagome… I was kinda planning on doing this later but…"
"Doing what?" I muttered while he slipped his hands out of my grasp and himself off the bench to kneel down in front of me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he promised. I watched, baffled, as he pulled a little red box out of his jacket. "I was going to wait until you graduated from high school."
"To do what?" I inquired with a bent brow; I should have known what he was getting at but… I had no idea until he opened the box and there it was—the prettiest sight. A golden ring with three diamonds, two tear dropped ones pointing outwards and the largest one in the middle, in an elongated oval shape.
"You… you can't affords this, Inuyasha," were the first words out of my lips, though I barely remember saying them as I stared in awe of the ring—shocked by the implications.
He grinned at me for that, "of course, that's your worry, eh? This was my mom's, I didn't buy it, does that make you feel better?"
I nodded at that, he did after all have tuition, rent, utilities, and a phone to pay for.
He took my left hand into his gently before he began, "Higurashi Kagome, will you—?"
"Wait," I gasped, finally snapping out of it to pulling my hand away so I could grab my cheeks as I shifted my gaze up from the diamond ring to his confused stare. "You can't ask me."
"Why?" he questioned with a bent brow, "I already cleared it with your parents."
"You… did?"
He nodded, "once you graduate we can get married, you've only got a semester left anyway. I mean, if you want to. Do you want to marry me, Kagome?"
"Of course," I insisted with a small smile before it faded away at the sight of his, "I love you but… I can't, Inuyasha."
"Why?"
The puppy dog stare he gave me was enough to weaken my heart but… I couldn't. I couldn't do that to him, so I shook my head and stood up, "I can't."
"I love you," he countered as he rose to meet me. "And I know, Kagome."
"Know what?" I sighed, it was killing me to say no… to walk away. I wanted to say yes, scream it, to get married to Inuyasha! That could be marked off my bucket list but… it wasn't fair to him, I couldn't do it to him.
"I'm not dumb," he slowly started as he took my left hand again; he got points for being persistent. "I figured out you were healthy a while back. I lived with all these signs with my mom… so, how long do you have?"
"Sango told you," I argued with a bitter frown, "didn't she?"
"No," he rejoined, equally harsh, "you think I'm that fucking stupid? That I can't see you withering away? I watched my mom, Kagome, do the same damn thing. I didn't even know Sango knew—does Miroku?"
"I asked her to give me a week to tell you before she told him…" I murmured with lowered eyes.
"Tell me how long you've got, Kagome," he ordered.
I bit my bottom lip; apparently I wasn't as stealthy as I thought I was. "The doctors say I'm doing well," was the best way to start the sentence, I knew. "But… well, I might see my twentieth birthday. So, like two and a half years."
"O-oh," he choked, which forced me to look back to him as he glanced away—shock etched into his expression. He expected a better prognosis, I suppose. "Um… Kagome…"
"I'm so sorry," I earnestly said as I took a step forward so that our bodies were almost touching. "I didn't know how to tell you… I didn't want you feeling sorry for me. I hated the idea of making you sad… I wanted our time together to be happy, not pitiful…"
It took him a while before he returned his stare to me, he just nodded at first before finding his voice once more, "I love you… will you marry me?"
"You want to marry a dying girl?" I shook my head at that, "think about it, Inuyasha. You don't need to do this."
"I don't need to do anything," he knew that, he took my left hand all the same. "Kagome, you've made me a better person. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives, if that means two and a half years that means two and a half fucking years. I love you."
"I love you, too," I murmured before I looked down to her conjoined hands, "yes… yes, I'll marry you. I want a small wedding, just our friends and family, no weird long-distance relatives or anything like that, no acquaintances, just the people we actually like."
"Deal," he smiled as he pulled the ring out of the box and slid it on my finger, it was a bit too big but we would fix that later. "I love you, Kagome."
"I love you, too," I eagerly nodded before leaning forward to press my lips to his—my fiancé's lips.
Until something hit me as I pulled away to look softly into his eyes, "my parents are going to break up over this..."
"No they aren't," Inuyasha rejoined, "they both said I could ask you."
That wasn't what I mean, so I shook my head again as I rested my forehead against his chest. "Over me... they are already starting to drift apart. I don't want to do that to you... I don't want to hurt you, to spark a downward spiral for you, like your mom."
"I've been in school for a year already," he countered as he kissed me upon my head, "I'll make you a deal, if you promise to make it three years instead of two and a half, I'll graduate college. If not, then I'll put it off until you are..."
"I don't have much control over that, Inuyasha," I muttered.
"Of course you do," he countered as I stepped slightly away to tap me on the forehead, "it's about your mental, babe. I'm going to be with you here the rest of the way. You don't even have to finish high school if you want, we can just do go off somewhere together."
"No, no, I do," she asserted, "for my parents, it'd mean a lot to them if I do. Maybe... maybe enough that they'll stick together. My brother needs them, Inuyasha."
"Souta's a good kid, Kagome, he'll pull through all this," he promised as he leaned forward to kiss me again.
"I want you to make me a promise, please? Please?"
"Okay," he said with a small smile, "what is it?"
"Be there for Souta when I'm... gone," I swallowed back the sting of sobs, "please? He needs someone." And... so will Inuyasha.
His smile faded then, I know he didn't want to talk like that or even about when I'd be gone but he nodded and said, "I promise," all the same.
And I love him even more for that.
A/N: There is going to be one or two chapters left, then it'll be done. That you everyone who has reviewed and please continue to :)