-1Thank you to everyone who reviewed,I really didn't expect to get that many! Well, this is really just a warning, this story is about child abuse, and (although I try my best not to make it too graphic) there is no getting away from the fact that things like this do happen and thereforeI have to be realistic. If the subject matter upsets you, don't read the story. Having said that,I hope you do as the issue of abuse deserves to be recognised and understood, which is partly whyI wrote this story.
Steve Pov
I love watching Josh sleep. Ever since I can remember I've lain awake watching his chest rise and fall, rise and fall. Sometimes I'd lay awake all night, terrified of closing my eyes, as if by watching, I was keeping him safe. Stupid really.
I don't know how long I've been laying here, just waiting and watching. Sunlight is beginning to seep through gap in our curtains, so I figure I've been here a while, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm here when he wakes up.
Right at that moment his eyelids flutter open, as if he knew what I was thinking. He sees me and smiles, then closes his eyes again. A few seconds later they jerk open again and he's looking at me properly and pushing himself up on his elbow. He blinks a few times before reaching out and poking me in the chest.
"Ouch!" I say as I smack his hand away. It didn't really hurt but…well you know.
"Sorry, I was just checking you were real."
"Of course I'm real, stupid. What else would I be?" He grins sheepishly and shrugs.
"I dunno, I just thought, I dunno, that I might have made you up. Or I was dreamin' or somethin'." His face is serious now. "I do that sometimes you know, when you're not here."
No Joshie, I didn't know.
I want to say it, honestly I do, but the words won't come and now he's looking down, playing nervously with his fingers. He thinks I think he's weird. Nice one Steve, great going there.
"Come on, get dressed. We're getting out of here." I chuck his jeans at him and think about wiping his nose, but my hand won't move when I try and make it.
"You seen my shirt?" he asks, rubbing sleepy dust out the corners of his eyes.
"You left it yesterday. Darry washed it cause it stank. We're gonna go pick it up now." He nods and wipes his nose on his arm, at least it saves me the trouble.
"Can I borrow one of yours?"
"One of my what?"
"Shirts." He's playing with his fingers again.
"Josh, it'll be massive on you. Can't you just go like that, it's a hot day, no one will notice." He shakes his head and looks down at his stomach.
Now I understand. An ugly purplish bruise covers the left lower part of his belly, disappearing under his underwear. Me and Josh are both ashamed of what happens to us at home, and we both hide the evidence. I hide behind tales of fights and punch ups, Josh covers it with clothes and a smile. Joshie never went in for lying.
He's watching me carefully, checking to see if I've understood. Of course I have. I start searching for something he can wear and his shoulders relax slightly. I find a screwed up vest under the bed. It's grey with dust and has a nasty purple stain down the front but it'll do the trick. I pull it over his head and Josh smiles so good I can almost believe he doesn't have a care in the world.
We're quiet as we go downstairs because he's nervous and I'm nervous although neither of us says anything. It stinks of smoke and beer and sweat and we both know our old man's passed out somewhere. Mum's sitting bolt upright on the couch, staring into nothing. We stop and watch her. Up 'til recently Josh would've gone to her, stroked her hair, sat on her lap, wound his skinny arms around her neck, tried to make her mum again. I wonder when he stopped and why I didn't notice.
We both know mum's not going to be there when we get back. She'll go off to stay with some old friend, filled with hope and empty promises that her life could be better, so much better, if she would just leave him. She'll come crawling back once the dream turns sour. Sometimes she'll be gone days, weeks, months. Never quite managed a year but one of these days…
"Bye mama," Josh whispers as I usher him out into the sunlight. He still cares a little bit then. For some reason my throat starts to get tight and my eyes start to prickle. Maybe it's because I know that one day he'll stop caring all together and get cold and hard and mean and won't care whether mama goes or stays or whatever. I tell myself to get a grip but the feeling won't go away and then there's a tear running down my cheek even though I swore years ago I'd never ever cry over my family ever again. Josh isn't looking at me and I'm glad because if he ever saw me like this I'd never be able to look him in the eyes again and he knows it.
I've calmed down by the time we get to Soda's house and decided all this hot whether is having a bad effect on me. We watch Micky Mouse, play poker, arm wrestle and eat chocolate cake but deep inside I know I'm still crying and Josh is still at home with mama. Josh smiles and I lie and I wonder if it's going to be like this forever. Eventually Joshs' smile will crack and I'll run out of lies, but until then I guess we'll just keep doing what we do best, even though inside it's killing us.
Stupid really. Stupid and sad.
Soda Pov
"Hey Joshie, I found an art class for you to take." Josh turns to look at Darry, checking if he's serious or not.
"You know we can't afford for him to be taking no art class." Steve's playing poker with Two-bit, who's pulling an ace out of his shoe before Steve's even finished the sentence.
"You don't have to pay anything. The teacher's a friend of mine, I went to school with him. He's a nice guy, I showed him some of your stuff. He reckons you're good Josh, real good." Darry ignores Steve and keeps his eyes fixed on Josh who's chewing his lip. Steve's watching them closely and I can see him getting mad.
"Which picture did you show him?" Josh asks after a while, watching Darry just as closely as Steve is. Ponyboy's watching to, looking up from his book. I can't read his face but I bet he's wondering why Darry never told him about this art class. He knows Ponyboy likes to draw. Hell, I'm wondering why myself.
"The one with the children and the trees and the fire. I found it when I was tidying up." I know Darry, that means he looked for it for hours and hours and hours.
"That one was rubbish, I mucked it up."
"Well you'll have to go then, to the show the guy how much better you can do." Josh still isn't sure.
"What about Ponyboy? Wouldn't you rather he go. I mean…" He trails off and looks at Steve then at Ponyboy. Josh is only nine but he understands stuff real good and can sense that something isn't right.
"Ponyboy's too busy. He's got track practice and school work and all that stuff." Darry does realise Ponyboy's only sitting about three feet away right? "Josh this could be your chance, this could be your way out of here."
Darry's always on about getting out, as if Tulsa's some trap that's holding us all here against our will. Trouble is, he's so set on getting out, he doesn't think about the people that are gonna be left behind. Steve's jaw is set in a hard line and his voice is tense.
"Look Darry, if he doesn't want to go…"
"I'll go," Josh jumps in quick before Steve can piss Darry off and ruin his chance. "Just once, to see what it's like and that."
Steve grinds his teeth together and Josh looks at him all big eyes and worry lines, but as Darry nudges his leg, he turns and I'll be damned if his eyes aren't sparkling like a pot full of diamonds.
Josh leaves after lunch and I finally manage to corner Darry. "What was all that about with Josh and this art thingy. Didn't you realise Ponyboy was sitting right behind you?" I hiss, keeping my voice low so Pony won't hear.
"Yeah." Darry says and if he weren't my brother and I didn't love him I'd want to kill him.
"Well, didn't it ever occur to you that he might have wanted to go to this art class too? You know he likes to draw. He's going to think you thought of Josh before you thought of him."
"That's because I did." I open my mouth to ask him what the hell he's talking about but he continues. "Don't you see Sodapop? Look at all the chances Ponyboy's got, he's a bright kid, he's good at track, he makes good grades, he's got us to help him out. Josh doesn't have anything, except his drawing. Josh is still young, he's still got a chance, he could still make it. So what if Ponyboy missed out just this once, worse that can happen is he'll turn out like me or you. But if Josh doesn't find a way out of here soon, he's going to end up just like Steve."
I look across at my best friend, staring moodily at nothing with a cigarette dangling from his bottom lip. I think of Josh and his sparkling eyes and I understand what Darry means.
Steve Pov
I've left it too long, God knows what could've happened to him in twenty minutes. I should have gone with him when he left but I foolishly thought he could look after himself and there was no way he'd be this stupid. I guess I'm the stupid one.
I kick open the door to our house and look widely around the living room. I can hear Josh crying, but I can't see him. I move towards the kitchen, watching where I tread in case he's lying on the floor and I accidentally step on him.
I know they're in the kitchen long before I see them. He's struggling with Josh, who's putting up a good fight, alternating between kicks and pleas. The old man's got him by the arm and is dragging him towards the living room. Josh sees me standing in the doorway and goes limp.
Dad follows his gaze and looks at me, challenging me to take him. We stand there, staring each other out, his eyes mean and laughing, goading me on. I'll never hit him back, and he knows it.
I think it's because I remember what it was like before… He'd take me to feed the ducks, holding my hand tight in his. Or he'd lift me up on his shoulders so I could see the football game. I'd feel proud to have such a great dad. I remember laughing, joking, crying… and I just can't bring myself to do it.
Josh lives for the day when he'll be big enough to hit our dad back, but I guess we're different. He's too young to remember the good times. Josh knows I can't protect him from dad so he doesn't try and make me. But I see the helpless look in his eyes and I hate myself for it.
Josh gives a small sob and everything jerks back into action, dad bundling him past me and into the cupboard under the stairs and Josh's crying becoming hysterical and scary. He hates being locked in the cupboard and I understand because I used to hate it too. The key grates in the lock and dad smiles at me as he saunters out the door.
"Your brother's been a naughty boy. That's what happens to naughty boys in this house." I wait till he's out the door before I hurl a chair against the wall.
Josh is in a right state, he's not breathing right and if he doesn't start soon he's gonna pass out. I sit down on the floor and talk to him through the door.
"It's ok Josh," I tell him. "I'm still here. You're not on your own, I'm just out here." I keep talking like that, careful to keep my voice calm and steady. Slowly he starts to calm down, his breathing becoming methodical and even.
"Don't be scared," I say once I'm sure he's not still freaking out on me. He doesn't saying anything because we both know that he's scared to death.
"Steve," He whispers and I have to strain to hear him. "I'm bleeding." Jesus Christ…
"Ok, where did he hurt you?" Stay calm Steve, you can handle it.
"My head and my nose…I'm real tired Steve, I think I might just close my eyes for…"
"No no no Josh, don't do that! You don't fall asleep you hear me? Josh? Josh? Ok, here's what we're gonna do, uh… I want…I want you to take off your shirt ok? Josh, you do as I say now, I'm not messing around…" I listen hard for the sound of him moving, but I don't hear jack. I bang hard on door with the palm of my hand, making it rattle and jolt. "Josh? Joshua?"
"Hmm?" His voice sounds small and lost, like a little kid's.
"You need to listen to me Josh, can you do that? You mustn't fall asleep ok? Coz I might not be able to wake you up again…so, I just want you to listen? Did you hear what I said before?" Now, I'm no doctor…but even I know falling asleep when you've had a blow to the head isn't good. He could have a whatsit…concussion. I saw it on a tv show once.
"No…" He sounds like he's about to cry. Shoot, he's not the only one. "I'm real sorry Steve…everything's spinning, I wanna lie down…can you get me a cigarette? Just one cigarette would be real good Steve. The Dragon wants one too, so she doesn't burn her…her…"
"Her what Josh? You keep telling me about the dragon while you take you shirt off ok?"
"Her…her…Steve? Steve I can't remember! Why can't I remember? She doesn't burn her…. something…her…?"
"Joshua! You take of your goddamn shirt right this minute you hear me!" He bursts into tears and I feel like shit. I shouldn't have yelled at him, yelling never works with Josh, you gotta talk nice to him. I know that better than anyone. I put my head in my hands I take a few deep breaths. "Josh? Joshie?"
He doesn't answer for a long time, and I think that's it, I've lost him. But then he says, real quiet and sad, "Sorry Steve, I took my shirt off. Don't be mad at me, I'll remember in a minute, honest I will."
God only knows what he's talking about, but it's a start. "Good boy Josh, that's real good. Now I want you to hold it against your head ok? Put it over where it's bleeding, you can do that for me can't you?"
"I done it Steve, but it's very dark…I don't like it. It's so hot…tell Darry…"
"Tell Darry what Josh?"
"Darry that…I can't go to art class, coz I've been naughty and I'm in the cupboard, but…but…I'll go soon, when…when everything's better."
"Yeah ok, I'll tell him for you." The kid's lost it, he's talking a load of crap. But at least he's talking, I guess I might as well join him. "Why'd you do it Josh? You knew mama would've been long gone by now…why'd you come back?"
"Dunno…I just had to check. She never said…said goodbye. I miss her when…"
"When what?"
"Eyelashes…" His voice sounds think and distant. "The dragon…cigarette for her eyelashes."
"Yeah Josh, eyelashes. Well done you remembered…"
"I knew I would…you can stop being mad now Steve, because…"
"I ain't never been mad at you Josh, just…just pissed off at, at everything. But not you; never at you." But he doesn't hear me, because I hear a thud and know he's slumped over, sleeping like a baby. I close my eyes and do the same, leaning against the door with my knees tucked up to my chest.
Hmm, well I'm not sure about this chapter, so your views would be greatly appreciated. Remember though, keep it nice! Constructive criticism only please!
Smile xxxxxx