Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast
By Winter Machine
Please see my livejournal (winter-machine (at) livejournal .com) for full disclaimers.
Chapter Two - Changed in the Night
"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
(Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland)
It's not the first time she's awakened to a realization that this is the morning after her life has changed.
This time, though, it's not regret that coats her as she strestches lazily in the enormous, unfamiliar bed. It's something else entirely. She runs a hand down her stomach, which feels as flat as ever. And yet - somehow different. Somehow it's not the same.
She showers, dresses, acts almost as if it's a normal day. As if she knows what in the world is going on.
X
She's just thinking that some food might be nice when the unexpected buzz of the doorbell startles her.
She peers through the peephole and then yanks the door open, smiling broadly when she sees her visitors. "Apparently the concierge will let just anyone up?"
"You should really have words with him." Savvy throws her arms around her. "Addie! Finally!"
When she pulls back Addison notices the small girl wrapped around her old friend's leg. Her shiny black hair is tied neatly back and she's wearing a tiny backpack shaped like a ladybug.
"Look, sweetie." Savvy nudges the child gently. "It's Addie, Hope. It's Aunt Addie. Do you want to say hi?"
"Hi," she whispers.
"She'll be shy for, like, five minutes, tops," Savvy promises.
"She's her mother's daughter, then."
"Just ask her father; he says he still can't hear himself think - and I haven't even told you about - " she lowers her voice "number two."
Addison raises her eyebrows. "Another -"
"Shh!" Savvy indicates her daughter, who has released her leg and is listening to the conversation with interest. "Little pitchers."
"Well, come on in then," Addison opens the door wider.
"We brought breakfast." Savvy raises a brown paper bag of bagels. "Do you have coffee?"
"I just got in last night," she grumbles.
"I've known you for twenty-five years, Addie, so don't try to convince me you didn't hook up the espresso machine first thing."
"First thing was my shoes."
"Second thing, then. So this is the furnished apartment?" Savvy purses her lips. "It's not really your style, is it, Addie?"
Addison shrugs. "Give me a little time." The apartment is large and bright, but - she frowns at the white leather couch. "Well, for some of it."
"I'm thirsty," Hope tugs at her mother's sleeve.
"I don't suppose she drinks coffee yet..."
"Not yet, but give her a couple years at this rate. We're all set," Savvy says, and pours orange juice from her H&H bag into a pink plastic sippy cup for Hope, who seizes it.
"Do you have a kitty?" Hope asks suddenly.
"I do, actually, but he's in California right now."
"Can I pet him?"
"You can come visit him in California sometime and pet him," Addison smiles at the little girl. "Do you like the beach?"
Hope furrows her small brow. "I like the park," she says finally.
Savvy balances Hope on one knee, sipping a latte with her other hand. Addison marvels at how natural she looks.
"I figured you hadn't had a decent bagel in forever," Savvy says around a mouthful of sesame and cream cheese.
"I haven't. This is perfect." It is, actually, much easier on her stomach than she'd feared.
She takes small sips of coffee, small bites of bagel and her body doesn't protest. Yesterday's cross-country flight had been a six-hour disaster of delays, nausea, and a memorable trip to the restroom while the fasten-seatbelt sign was flashing - so she could empty her protesting stomach of omelet she'd forced down before she left. Her stomach didn't settle until the plane landed, the pressure easing in parallel to the grip of her white-knuckled fingers on the padded armrest.
X
It's easier to breathe in New York. That was the first thought that crossed her mind when the uniformed driver escorted her, his arms full of her bags, to the waiting car. She swallowed big lungfuls of New York air; even tinged with jet fuel it tasted just right. In the town car she rested a hand on her stomach - flat - and wondered if it was all a dream.
She'll find out soon enough.
Her mind drifts; she half listens as Savvy chats animatedly, a sesame bagel disappearing into her neatly lipsticked mouth. She's The Talkative One; the first day of college, freshman year, as Addison waded nervously onto the old campus, Savvy bounded across their shared room with a grin and greeted her all in one breath: "Hi you must be Addison that's a neat name is it your mom's maiden name 'cause my mom wanted to call me Tarleton which is her maiden name but my dad said no way so it's my middle name but anyway I'm Savvy and I'm super super excited to finally get here and can I have the bed by the window?" Addison had slowly nodded. "Sure, okay."
They were fast friends right away, but it wasn't until Christmas break freshman year that Addison believed it. She had reluctantly left the buzzing cheer of the campus for her parents' chilly, silent house. She immediately missed Savvy's constant chatter, breakfast in the dining hall with shouts and laughter, even the dorm of boys next door who liked to hide behind the bushes and pitch snowballs at the girls as they walked to class, Addison giggling and shrieking as much as the others. She didn't want to be the silent, lonely girl she remembered from high school. In college, she was different. In college, she was happy. She worried that leaving campus would break the spell - that things would change when she got back, that the magical life she'd managed to assemble in college would vanish.
She stepped tentatively into their shared bedroom, which always smelled of sawdust and sharpened pencils and Savvy's White Shoulders perfume. Savvy jumped in as if they were still in the middle of a conversation. "I made out like an absolute bandit but I really think cashmere is over for the season. How was your Christmas, Addie? Thank God you're finally back!" And she threw her arms around Addison, who smiled goofily, realizing she didn't remember anyone else ever being this happy to see her.
Not even long gaps of silence could change anything. When Addison was studying for the MCAT, holed up in the library alone or occasionally with her pre-med friends, she didn't see Savvy for days at a time, even though they lived together. Savvy's first year of law school, the girls didn't see each other until spring break. Addison's intern year, Savvy's bar summer - these periods of absence would come and go and the friendship never wavered. They could always pick up again as if nothing had left off.
X
"Addie?" Hope's little voice cuts into her thoughts. She nibbles at a pumpernickel bagel. "Do you have a doggie?"
"No, sweetie, just a cat," Addison says. "What about you? Do you have any pets?"
"I have a rabbit at my classroom. He's a white rabbit."
Savvy tucks a loose strand of Hope's hair behind her ear. "And you got to baby-sit him for the weekend, right, Hopie?"
"Yes!" Hope exclaims. "I get to take the rabbit to my house and he ran in my room!"
"It was great," Savvy says. Over Hope's head she mouths to Addison total nightmare and Addison laughs softly. She's fascinated by this maternal version of Savvy, by the little girl nestled against her.
Savvy moistens a napkin and dabs at her daughter's mouth as if she's been doing this for years. And she has, of course, Addison terribly out of the loop with annual holiday cards and emailed photos her only evidence of how rapidly the little girl has grown. "We should head out. This young lady has school."
"Thanks for breakfast." Addison smiles at Hope, who beams back up at her and says "I only like brown bagels today, right, Mommy?"
"Apparently so, kiddo." Savvy plays with her daughter's hair. "Who knows what tomorrow will bring, though?" and Hope giggles.
Savvy squeezes Addison's hand. "It's so great to have you back, Addie. So great."
Hope waves bye-bye at the door, at her mother's instruction, while Savvy whispers "Don't forget tonight Weiss is on daddy duty so you and I can really catch up."
"Can't wait," Addison swallows hard, because she's never been able to lie to Savvy, which means Savvy's going to have to hear the truth.
X
"You're definitely pregnant."
And there it is, the truth.
Addison barely hears the doctor, every one of her senses focused on the little curled up creature floating on the screen next to her.
Hi, baby.
The black and white image blurs.
This is real. This is actually happening.
He removes the ultrasound and hands her a towel to clean the gel off her stomach. She misses the picture as soon as it disappears. "Can you, um-"
"I'm printing it out now." He smiles at her. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling good."
"This is ... unexpected?" he probes gently.
Addison just nods vaguely. This was supposed to be her unpacking day, her settling-in day. Nesting. Instead she's belly-up on a paper-lined table while her life changes right before her eyes.
They move into his office and Addison hangs tightly to the shiny printout in her hand, this picture of the impossible. She crosses her legs, studies the shelf of framed pictures of children and grandchildren.
"Everything looks good for now, but given your history, I'd like to see you in the care of a specialist."
"Okay."
"I'm thinking of the high-risk OB specialist at St. Catherine's -" off Addison's expression he asks, "Oh, have you worked with her?"
That's one way to put it.
"Yes."
"Great, I'll reach out to her, and-"
"Actually, I should probaby call her myself."
X
She will call, but not today. Today is still her first day in New York. Today, everything has changed.
She listens to the familiar click-click of her bootheels on the sidewalk, shoulders her purse and hails a cab, the gesture as natural as a yawn. She slides into the cracked leather seat, smelling patchoui and stale coffee, and gives the driver the address of the one place she's always been able to collect her thoughts.
Then she pulls out the printed sonogram, already moist at the edges from her tight grip. She rests a hand on her belly and closes her eyes, the motion of the cab soothing her. She hears only her own heartbeat, but she knows now there's another heart too.
Maybe if she concentrates hard enough, the life growing within her will be able to sense her words.
Hi, baby, she starts again. So. It's just the two of us. Okay? I don't know yet how we're going to do it. But we're going to be fine.
She can feel her breathing evening out.
Not just fine. Great. I've been waiting for you for a long time, baby. And - as soon as she says it she realizes how powerfully, painfully true is is - I already love you more than I can say.
Next time: Savvy finds out!