Chapter II
Sighing, he turned his eyes away from the dreadful image. He left his bathroom and slowly staggered towards the bathroom. Every step, every single movement of his legs hurt like hell and he stopped from time to time, trying to swallow the pain. But it was far too much to simply be forced down. More and more tears evade his eyes until he finally reached his bedroom, dressing into a comfortable, exceptionally soft and warm pajama. Karl crawled into his bed and pulled the sheets over his head, trying to hide his abused, tormented body from the outside world. Crying heavily, he curled up beneath the soft and comforting cloth of his blanket. He stayed like that for about an hour, until he finally fell asleep from exhaustion, drifting into an uneasy sleep.
After quite some time of rolling around in his bed and turning the sheets over and over again , he suddenly felt what seemed like a tremendous weight on his back, pressing him down relentlessly. "Please don't!" He had screamed himself awake from a horrible nightmare. It had seemed so gruesomely real. Karl rolls over on his back, the sensation of lying on his stomach made him feel pressed down. He rubbed his face to regain his senses. "Oh god…" His voice sounded hoarse and dry and speaking ached in his throat. For a short moment he could feel his stomach growl, causing him to look over to the nightstand where he had neatly placed a beautiful clock. One of his own creations. The moment he realized how long he had actually slept made his face turn white as snow. He hadn't been awake for almost two days! Kroenen slowly tried to move his legs, trying to find out if he could get up without being in pain again. "Hm… doesn't feel too bad…" he thought and sat up in bed. With one swift move he turned around and stood up. His legs felt weak and wobbly and walking still caused rather strong waves of pain flashing up his spine and making him grit his teeth in agony. For a short moment he stopped, asking himself why this had happened to him out of all people who were at that party some days ago. But then he felt hunger well up from his abdomen, his stomach growling loudly and water starting to run in his mouth. Ignoring the pain, he quickly went downstairs, prying the refrigerator open and starting to pick the things he wanted to have. He drew out two pans and a pot for cooking potatoes, hurried into his storage room, getting some tin cans and vegetables. Back in his kitchen he pulled out some books with recipes. There were so many good ones he had always wanted to try sometime but never had granted himself the time to do so. One more time he went back into the storage room, getting some chocolate of which he immediately stuffed some into his mouth, quickly washing his hands and afterwards starting to cut vegetables and meat. After half an hour he sat at his table, the evening sun drowning the whole flat in a warm, reddish-orange light. In front of him stood a beautifully served plate with potatoes, carrots, sweet corn and broccoli, partly covered by a light yellow sauce and on top there were at least 350 grams of the finest pork meat. Karl licked his lips hungrily, but still remained his good manners, slowly taking fork and knife, idly starting to eat. This meal tasted better than anything he had ever eaten before. He appreciatively chewed on his dinner, thus almost taking forty minutes to finish it. As soon as he leaned back in his chair though, gently stroking his stomach, he realized that he still felt hungry. So he went back into the kitchen, trying another recipe, this time ending up in front of a plate with delicious fish, rice and an exotic sweet-sour sauce. It went like that a few more times until he finally felt halfway satisfied. Returning to the kitchen once more, he slightly cocked his head, his eyes widening a bit in surprise. He alone had eaten amounts of food, which usually would have been enough to feed a family with four children - grandparents included - and thus had emptied his refrigerator almost completely. But he shrugged it off, people had always told him he was too skinny and underweight and even had encouraged him to eat more. Also, he had greatly enjoyed cooking for himself, trying out new stuff and not to mention how good it had tasted. While he cleaned the dishes, the memories of the hours when the men had raped him, sadly trickled back into his consciousness, changing his almost good mood back to depressive again. It was already quite late; the sun had been gone completely for hours by now. It was a clear, cool night and the sky was full of stars. Karl sighed. The short moment of satisfaction and relaxation was over. The horrible memories were back, not a single detail was missing. He staggered into his living room, which was only lit by the fireplace he had already made a fire in. Grabbing a woolen blanket from one of the drawers, he made his way to the couch, sitting down and wrapping himself up in the sheets. For a short while he just sat there, feeling. Before his inner eye darkness had gathered around him. His inner sanctum, the ultimate core of his soul seemed merely a small, almost dying beacon of light, which already was slowly slipping away into the tremendous rift in his soul. A gape, so wide and deep, he couldn't even make out the slightest glimpse of a bottom. Karl opened his eyes again, letting his fearful eyes wander around. The horrid imagination of his soul literally leaking out of his body through the hole those filthy men had torn into his personal barrier flashed up in his head. For the first time since decades he gazed upwards, silently praying. "Please, God… If you are there, please, save my soul… I know I never really believed in you… but people say you are forgiving and merciful and that you accept every human as a child of yours… Please don't let my soul die away like this… I beg you… I don't know how I should endure this again… It was hard enough to deal with what they did to me when I was a child… Please… Help me…" The last few words came out as audible, deeply desperate whispers. Karl felt broken. As if his heart had shattered inside of him and its pieces had pierced his mind and body from within. He stared down on his bleeding arm and legs and sobbed. "I know… It won't leave me alone… These wounds won't heal up… This pain is just too real… There's just too much the time cannot erase… ". With that he buried his face in the blanket and started to cry heavily, soaking his shirt and the cloth over is arms with his tears. After some time he heard his doorbell ring, shortly before the voice of one of his neighbors came from the door. He sounded worried. "Doktor Kroenen? Are you allright? We haven't seen you for days now, your mailbox is overspilling." Karl didn't react at first, although listening to the door in between his sobs. After a short moment of silence, he heard the voice again. "Please, Herr Doktor. Open the door, I can hear you crying in there…" He got up and slowly walked to the front door, reluctantly opening it a little just to look into a pair of green eyes. "Thank you, Doktor Kroenen. Would you mind letting me in?" Karl hesitated. How could he be sure, this wasn't a trap? They had sent his neighbor's wife as bait and were now waiting for him to open his door. But then he shook his head and carefully opened the door, fearfully watching if she was alone. The younger woman gave him a worried glance. Indeed, he looked terrible. His eyes were bloodshot and there were bloody, sore parts of skin all over his hands, neck and head. He had ripped out quite some of his hair and his whole face was sunken in from dehydration and lack of energy. "You look horrible, Doktor… Should I get you a physician? Seems like you might be seriously ill…" But the imagination of someone, especially some man touching his skin made his whole body shiver. "No… no… I just need some rest… I've been a little exhausted the past few days…" His hoarse voice was barely audible, all this crying had completely drained his energy and left him tired and exhausted. All he wanted was to lie down in his bed, turn on a little music and sleep. "I… I will get my mail tomorrow. I'll have to buy food anyway… Don't worry, I'll be fine." She glances at him in worry once more. "Fine… But promise to let someone help you if you're in need of some." Karl nodded and guided his visitor out of his flat absentmindedly. Weariness had filled his body and his mind, so he grabbed the woolen blanket from the couch, slowly getting up his stairs and heading for the bedroom. The pain in his pelvic area and his lower back had returned, obviously a reaction to the stress he suffered from. Carefully he crawls underneath the bed sheets and turns off the light. But the darkness that formerly had soothed him so greatly now seemed so fiendish and foreboding to Karl. With shaking hands he switched on the small lamp on his nightstand. "That's better…" He mumbles, closing his eyes and trying to relax a little so he could slowly drift off into sleep.
He didn't sleep too well that night. Every time he dozed off a little and sleep tried to take over, Karl was plagued by horrible pictures of his body covered in rancid slick and dirt. Then the images flashed back to the brawny men, raping him over and over. Kroenen snapped out of his sleep each time, covered in ice cold sweat and shivering heavily. Finally, after six hours of not being able to sleep peacefully, he decided to get up. Tired, exhausted he wobbled back into the bathroom, opening his medicine cabinet. He picked out a small box with syringes, all filled with a rather strong sedative. Actually he wasn't even supposed to have those ones, but he had been unable to sleep after his second marriage broke up and so he had stolen them from the hospital where he had worked back then. He stared at the transparent liquid inside of the syringe for a moment and smiled sadly. They promised a long sleep without dreams or nightmares. Not the best kind of sleep but they would fulfill their purpose on his case. Then slowly, trying to calm his shaking hands down, he inserts the point of the needle into the vein of his left arm, hissing sharply at the pain it caused. The syringe had pierced through a spot of skin which was highly sore and irritated by his violent scratching. The clear liquid vanished into his blood completely, and after Karl had pulled out the needle and stopped the bleeding, he sighed deeply and went back to bed, waiting for the anaesthetic to kick in and numb his senses. Even though he was clearly aware that he had probably overdosed the medicine and thereby maybe even killed himself a few moments ago, a deep and persistent satisfaction spread over his mind. Slowly, as he dozed off step by step, pictures came up in front of his inner eye again. But this time they were rather pleasant. He watched himself from a distance, lying on a beautiful field with purple flowers made of paper and cotton. Light blue clouds of warm water travelled across the sky, blocking out his view on the red sun in the sky from time to time. He took a deep breath and watched himself lie down in the greenish white grass; this image of him looked rather happy… He decided to step out of the sky and take a closer look. As soon as he approached his other self, he could clearly see his ruined face: he had no eyelids and his lips were missing as well. Scars covered almost every inch of his face and he was unnaturally skinny, almost like the prisoners of Auschwitz shortly before dying of starvation. Actually the image was rather disturbing… and still, a strange calmness and beauty shone from it. He could hear himself speaking. "Why did you maim your face like that? Actually I considered you quite handsome the way you were." The eyes of his counterpart twitched disturbingly and he licked his bare teeth with a pale tongue. He looked rather surprised and slightly amused. As he spoke up, his voice sounded rustling and hoarse, as if he hadn't spoken for ages. "How about you open your eyes? Mirrors do show you the truth, Karl."
He screamed himself awake painfully again and sat up straight in his bed, instantly starting to touch his face with trembling hands. Everything felt normal, there were eyelids and also a pair of pale, dry lips. A short glance at the small clock next to his bed made him groan. 10 o'clock in the morning. He had only slept for about six hours. And it matched up with what he was sensing. He felt tired, even more exhausted than before he had slept. But somehow he felt as if his body had changed. Usually he had a very clear awareness of the state his body was in. But today he felt different. Weakened, insanely thirsty and still drained of all energy and life force. As he stood up, his legs struggled a little. Immediately he felt tired again, as if his body was trying to keep him in bed. He clumsily staggered down the stairs and looked at the front door. A bunch of envelopes and other papers had been shoved through under it. Taking a closer look at them, he smiled sarcastically. Those people really were thinking he was stupid enough to answer them faster if they predated their writings. But when he finally opened his door and saw two newspapers lying on the small carpet, his face froze. These were newspapers for days which were six days after the last day he had been awake. "What the… Are you kidding me?" He grabbed the papers, slamming his doors shut and stared down on the white pages in shock. How could this be? He had slept for six whole days! He swallowed heavily and started to worry about his health for a moment. Then he realized he hadn't washed himself for almost ten days now, shivering from sheer disgust. He went back upstairs and marched straight into his bathroom. Searching through his drawers he even found some more soap. He undressed quickly and stepped into the shower cabin, turning on warm water and starting to wash himself. He spent almost one and a half hour in the shower, but at least this time he handled his body with care, cleaning it carefully and even stroking it gently from time to time, trying to give it some comfort. Other than ten days ago, his body was in desperate need of some soft caresses and longed to be treated well a little. And after quite some time Karl started to feel this need being satisfied and turned off the water, wrapping up in a towel and going back down. Since he lived alone, he didn't care if he was still naked under the towel. Instead, he sat down on the couch, enjoying the feeling of small water droplets falling from his wet hair from time to time. Without even noticing, he hugged himself a little, gently rocking back and forth. It felt calming. In fact, it calmed him down so far he fell asleep again, this time not awakened by any nightmares. The next week passed by without him waking up. The few hours he was awake were used for cleaning his body and drinking some water. He didn't even feel hunger anymore. His stomach growled from time to time. But after a while the pain caused by this faded and he lost his appetite and his need for food completely. The only things he felt he needed were sleep, water and a clean body. He happily welcomed sleep as a possibility to avoid thinking of how he had been treated a few weeks ago. The periods between his sleeping phases grew shorter by the day and his health started to deteriorate rapidly. After almost 8 weeks he didn't even recognize his own reflection anymore. His feet would hurt horribly when standing or walking, as his body already had used up the fat in his heels. The same happened to his chin and his eye sockets. But even though he knew very well about these things, he just couldn't stay awake. He had tried to eat a few times; either he hadn't been able to swallow it, or he had thrown up only moments later. So after a while he had decided to give up on that.
A few more weeks passed by, his body changed into something, you wouldn't even consider a living human being. A skeleton inside of a tight suit of white skin. His eyes and his mouth became more and more dried out, as he lost the ability to get up. His muscles completely deteriorated and soon he didn't even open his eyes anymore. From time to time, he suffered from severe convulsions and coughing fits. They often stressed his remaining strength to the ultimate limit, leaving him completely exhausted, causing him to sleep even more. Sometimes his phone or the doorbell rang, but he didn't even really notice. Once he had heard a male voice with a thick Russian accent next to his head, whispering soothing words: "My child, you suffered bravely. I never saw any man endure pain and misery better than you. Just hold on. You will be rewarded. I promise. You will see paradise awaken by my side." But he considered that a hallucination caused by his malnutrition and dehydration.
Finally the one day came. He had woken up rather early, at least he felt like the early morning sun was shining on his face. He was restless, tensing his facial muscles and groaning softly from time to time. He felt the need to talk, to have someone to listen to, or at least someone who would hold his hand. The knowledge that he was all alone in his flat made him sad for the first time. The poor remains of his soul cried out for a last time. "Please… someone… I never asked for anything… but now: I need some comfort… come hold me… please…"
Words he had thought many weeks ago resounded in his head. "This pain is just too real, there's just too much the time cannot erase…" Tears ran down his skinny cheeks. He now fully realized what he had done to himself; he was minutes from starving to death. Lonesome. Without anyone noticing how he convulsed violently from the horrible, severe pain his slowly malfunctioning organs caused. But then the voice with the Russian accent reappeared. "Don't be sad. This is only a little death for you. You will rise. And shine in the light of paradise. Do not fear, Karl Ruprecht Kroenen. You will be with me. Soon." The sensation of a strong hand taking hold of his shaking, weak one sent a warm shiver through his body for a moment. He writhed in pain for about an hour, until his internal organs died. He could clearly feel how it started with his intestines and wandered up, until the one moment before his heart stopped beating. The last second in his life made him flinch with the last bit of strength, opening his eyes and staring at the sun for one last time. The sound of a deep breath filled the room for a moment. Karl's lungs now emptied completely, malnutrition and neglect now put this miserable soul to rest. The athmosphere changed from sad and opressed to a calm, relieved state of satisfaction. At peace. Finally.