Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here!
So here's the second, and last fic for Lovesick! This time it's the same events but if Arthur is stricken with lovesickness instead. I'm sorry it took so long to write orz
I hope that you can enjoy this chapter as well. Thank you for reading!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hetalia
Lovesick
Story by Apple Fairy
I've forgotten a time I wasn't in love with him.
I know it's completely mad to say such a thing, for there was indeed a time when I didn't know him, and surely I must remember that. And I do, I really do, I do have memories prior to it; I am immortal after all. However it all seems so…oh, I don't know…dull, compared to now. If that makes any sense. What I feel for him is so intense, so strong, it's frightening in a way.
(Oh, blast it all, I probably sound so clichéd.)
There's just no other way to put it! I mean yes, I could go into deep detail how it feels like to be in love. I could explain how, every single time he smiles (his smiles are soft and subtle, so very beautiful) that I feel like the world falls underneath me. I could indeed tell you how with every look, every quiet sigh, every word spoken I just fall harder and harder and harder for him. How I long to touch that milky white skin, how I want to run my fingers through his black hair, how I want to breathe him in. I could say so much, in such inspired detail, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm in love. Tear away all those pretty words, and the romantic fervor, and at the base you see I'm just a man, madly in love. And while this story is a tale as old as time, something that's been told so many times before (I should know with how many romantic writers come from my place), there's one problem.
Say I was just a man in love with someone else, it should be fine right? Just tell them, hope for the best, and if they refuse me, then I tried, right? No, no it's not that simple this time around. It's not a problem that I'm in love; it's the fact of who I'm in love with.
A fellow nation, an ally, Japan.
Now, see, if it was a human, then that might be fine. It's not unheard of us nations taking on lovers (the frog being a fine example). Just have a fling, have your fun, and then extract yourself from their life as cleanly and quickly as possible when the time comes. They will be nothing but a memory, but at least you got what you wanted. Yes, it sounds heartless, but under our circumstances, can you blame us? See, if Kiku was human, maybe this would be easier. But he's a nation.
And here's the thing about falling in love with a fellow nation.
You can try. Oh yes, if both sides are willing, you're free to try really. But in the end, you're still someone who represents your people and their beliefs before anything else. Your own wants and needs may be considered, but ultimately you live as a symbol and must abide by your people's wishes before anything else. Now, with that in mind, consider for a moment our relationships with each other. Sometimes, we are allied (as I am so luckily, at this moment with Kiku), sometimes we are raising others as our colonies, and sometimes our relationships are neutral, staying cleanly out of each other's way.
And sometimes we are at war.
Relations can honestly change at the drop of a hat, at the whim of a boss, at the disagreement over something petty. Then we must fight, and anything before then is quickly forgotten. Things like this happen a lot, which is why I like to keep a healthy distance from fellow nations. I mean, I'm not one to completely extract myself from the others, and I don't always shy away from gatherings. But deep inside I know this is all temporary, so I stay on my little rainy island and just watch. I don't like getting close, because I've been hurt before.
(In the rain, a revolution, and that's all I'm willing to say.)
And that's not just me, to be honest. It happens to all of us. Yes, we have fun with each other, but we always keep a safe distance. There's a certain wall none of us can breech, and that's understood. An unspoken understanding.
Love is not discouraged, but it's also not understood. Why even bother? I mean, yes, if you just want to sleep with each other, then sure, all's the more power to you. But if you want the type of romance that's thoughtful, pure, and deep, then we wonder: 'Why even bother?'
You're only setting yourself up to be hurt. That person could be your enemy a month from now. And even if they promise you nothing like that will happen, you also have to consider their boss and what they want. We're bound to follow our rulers, our people; we are not free to love so carelessly. There's too many risks involved, so why even bother?
Which is what I asked myself, awake in my bed, the stars shining brightly just outside my window. Japan…no, Kiku was staying over that night. The night we had agreed to make the alliance. His house was too far away to make the trip back, it was too late, so I offered him to spend the night at my place. And in a guest room only three doors away, he laid himself to sleep. I hadn't been able to sleep that night, heart pounding furiously, and I smiled the whole while. He had wanted to make an alliance. With me! He felt the same, he wasn't going to end up my enemy. God, I felt like I was on top of the world. I was much too happy to even consider sleep, replaying the moment over and over in my head. The moment in which he called out my name softly (such a beautiful voice…), had explained all flustered how he wanted to be with me (so cute, too cute), and finally how we gazed into each other's eyes (warm eyes, beautiful eyes I could stare into forever…). I grinned to myself and hugged my pillow, face flushed, and shivers ran up my spine. It was then, for one dreadful moment, I realized what was going on.
I had fallen in love.
Suddenly all my happiness fell away and all I felt was dread. Dread and shame, and I tried to dissuade myself. No, no, this can't be love! Not so soon! Yes, this is only admiration, I told myself, this is all platonic and not romantic at all. And so, I had convinced myself that for awhile, but as my days with Kiku grew on, slowly I was realizing this wasn't just admiration. I understood, sadly, that this was love. Because I wanted him. When I found quiet moments with him, like us sitting on the veranda of his house, I found myself wanting to hold him. Just wrap my arms around his small frame, and bury my face into his hair, and breathe him in. I could excuse that away; embraces could be friendly, yes, I just saw Kiku as a friend. I could also remember one time where we both took comfort by the fire of my study, as he read some of my country's literature, and I sat at my desk doing paperwork. As I adjusted my reading glasses to see him better, I realized I wanted to walk over to him and kiss him then. Just grab him by the back of his head, and kiss him, enough to make him moan. My face instantly turned red at the thought, and I ducked my head down, back to my paperwork. He hadn't noticed a thing. However, with the warmth spreading through my body, I told myself over and over that kisses were friendly. Just friendly pecks on the cheek and that's it, really. (I pushed aside the want for a lustful kiss, the one I really wanted.) But it was in the bath, the bath at his home, both of us vulnerable, and soaking, just talking that I realized what I wanted. We spoke of sensitive subjects that night, he confessed his worries and stress, and I mine. We connected that night, and with my heart beating and my feelings tender, I realized I just wanted to grab his wrists then, and kiss him, and to make him mine. To bend him over the ledge, and to make our breathing shallow and to whisper quick words of love in his ear. At this point, I couldn't excuse that away. I couldn't even call it lust, though I'm sure there was some of that mixed around in it too. No, no, this was more much more than that.
"What about…love?"
"Love?"
"Yes."
He looked at me quizzically, the steam from the bath softening his features. Overhead the stars shined above us, and I tried to articulate my thoughts into words, careful words, that didn't reveal too much. I gulped.
"I just…If you don't mind me asking of course—"
"I don't mind at all."
"Have you ever been in love?"
His eyebrows rose at this, shocked. A moment passed, and I considered taking it back, tried to think of a million and one excuses for my odd question. Kiku leaned against the ledge though, eyes looking upward, and he spoke.
"…I don't believe I ever have."
"Really?"
"It's…it's strange isn't it?"
"Oh no, of course not!" I exclaimed, then felt silly for the outburst. I needed to be less passionate about this whole affair; what if he could tell? It was a fact not even I wanted to acknowledge, something I was ashamed of, so I needed to make sure he never found out.
Needed to make sure that 'no'. I'm not in love, I can explain this all away, this is a fleeting emotion, I'm not in love.
I'm not.
He smiled at me. Oh, what lovely timing. And now I could feel butterflies in my stomach. Wonderful.
"…I am not against the idea though."
"Pardon?"
"Of falling in love."
I stayed silent.
"I'm still unlearned about many things." He continued, "And the idea of falling in love is one of those things. However, If I did find someone like that, for whom I could feel great affection for, then I wouldn't mind being with them. With how people talk about love, it seems like such a beautiful thing. I'd like to experience that too."
It could be me.
"You're quite pure, aren't you?" I noticed.
It could be me. I could be the one.
He blushed. "A-Ah, my apologies. I'm saying such strange things tonight…"
"No, no, don't worry. It's fine. Just…"
"Yes?"
Don't you see it? Can't you see it?
"Do you...Sorry to be rude, but, do you have someone in mind?"
He stared at me, confused. Blushed. And I wanted to blurt it all out then, just speak the words stuck in my throat. Every single thought flying in my head, tell him what I wanted to keep hidden, what I disbelieved.
What I was beginning to accept.
He looked away, frowning. "…Not really. Not right now."
What about me? I could be the one. We could be something. Look at me, Kiku.
Can't you see it?
"…And you, Arthur-san?"
I blushed. Oh god, I wanted to hold him so badly at that moment, just wrap my arms around him, pulling our bodies closer. I wanted to hear his heartbeat. Wanted to bury my face into his shoulder. Lose myself in Kiku, kiss him wherever I could. Each and every single of these thoughts disgusted me. What have I become? Wasn't I used to the idea of keeping distance from fellow nations? Wasn't I ingrained in the idea of isolation? Were a few acts of kindness from someone as polite as Kiku really enough to send me off the deep end? Was I honestly that desperate?
I smiled weakly, shrugging off the pity party. God, I'm becoming a wreck already.
"…Maybe."
These weren't the words I wanted to say.
Funny you should mention that, luv.
I do believe I've fallen for you, just now.
It was with those thoughts, those dreadful words that I came to accept it. I'm in love. I'm madly in love, and I want and I need and it's the most pitiful thing, so stupid and despicable. There is no excusing this. It's such a strong feeling; there was no way to. As much as I'd like to say it's not love, even I had to admit it. I could lie to myself until I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't change anything. I'm in love. I know this won't end well, there's no such thing as a happy ending for a love affair between two nations. I didn't know then how right I was, how much it would all hurt. I wish I could've told Kiku then that he'd been wrong. When he had said love could be seen as a beautiful thing, well he was wrong, all wrong. Because it's not. Maybe for humans it could be; with their sickeningly sweet emotions, allowed to love as they wish. But not for us, no. This was going to hurt. Hurt even worse than I imagined then.
I wish I hadn't fallen in love. For I had a creeping feeling that this lovesickness could be the end of me.
Today it rains, tomorrow it rains.
It's funny, though, I don't hate rain. I've never hated the rain. It was just another part of London that I was oddly fond of, I found endearing in how exasperating it could be. Like a quirky friend that always caused trouble, all I could find myself doing was shaking my head and smiling at it as if saying 'Oh what am I to do with you, you rascal'. I can't really explain it; I just have an unexplainable affection for things like this that reminded me of home. Perhaps it's another part of being a nation; having pride in certain aspects from your land.
Or maybe I'm just a little odd.
In any case, I found myself watching the rain falling from the safety of an awning in front of a closed shop. It came down in curtains, pooling into puddles on the cobblestone streets. I focused on each drop, on the chill that pervaded through the air, on the soft shush it made. Grey, grey, grey. That's all I could see before me: various colors of grey. I focused on this so much only because I was trying to stay distracted. Tried to fill my mind with different thoughts, despite the ones that wanted to seize it now. I wasn't sure if I was wonderfully unfortunate, or terribly lucky. His body warmth barely reached me. Yet still, he stayed by my side, as we shared the awning.
In all these colors of grey, Kiku almost glowed in that setting.
Perhaps he only glowed because I fancied him. Maybe that's the only reason why. Maybe being in love made you see through rose-colored glasses; such sight that could smooth your beloved's blemishes, and strengthen their good points. Where we only saw the biased view that put them on a pedestal, and told ourselves 'yes, they are the one, there is nothing wrong with them at all'.
What rubbish.
Yet although I told myself that, tried to convince myself that I was just being silly, still I cast side-long glances at him. Looked away. Tried to see as much of him as I could while not being obvious. He looked calm, unaffected. Only a few moments ago I had picked him up at the port, for he had come to visit me again during this alliance. However, suddenly it began to rain and here we took refuge. I tried to think of something to say, anything at all, wanted to ease the mood. I'd been given this chance, and I contemplated on how I could seize it. I also took the moment to scold myself for thinking so much about Kiku, and this situation. He's just a friend, an ally, by God man, control yourself. I cleared my throat, said the first thing that came to mind.
"This is just terrible."
It seemed like a fine statement, something everyone could agree on. A random comment on the situation. Looking over to Kiku, I saw he did not respond. However I did notice him shivering, and fought off the strong urge to put an arm around him.
"Are you alright?" I asked instead. He looked over to me, a soft expression on his face. He smiled weakly at me, and turned his attention back to the rain in front of us. He was precise in his movements, classy and refined. I couldn't help but notice, and felt ridiculous when I did. I just….I just couldn't stop staring at him. He just fascinated me, very much so.
"Yes; I'm fine." He assured me, "I'm just sorry that I did not bring an umbrella with me. It's rather unfortunate."
It was then my mind flashed back to only a few minutes earlier. As I was just leaving my house, I had glanced to the umbrella holder next to the door. Glancing to the cloudy skies, I went with my instinct and had grabbed one; just in case. Still, I felt it in my left hand, out of Kiku's view, partially under my coat. I felt embarrassed for having forgotten all about it, and wondered how to offer it to him. If I was out-front about it, would that seem foolish? But how does one offer this casually? I would happily offer to share it with him, but would that seem forward? No, no, of course not, I'm just overthinking this! But I…I shouldn't seem desperate about this. Just…I need to be subtle. Right. Subtle.
I coughed for his attention.
He remained silent. I began to feel self-conscious and stupid, and coughed again.
Looking back on it now, it was a painful exchange, all just to try to hide my affection. Thankfully, he looked over to me, expectant. I at least managed to spit something out:
"A-Actually it just so happens I brought mine with me. If you don't mind sharing it, I mean."
The seconds that passed by then, felt excruciating, felt as if I'd taken a giant risk. Which was stupid, really, I was asking if he wanted to share an umbrella was all, I wasn't proposing marriage. But I just…it felt kind. A lot. Maybe a bit much. However when I looked over to him (hoping my face wasn't as red as it felt), I saw him smiling politely.
"I wouldn't mind at all."
My heart jumped at that. Dear God, if he asked me to carry him home then, I would've probably jumped to the chance. Fumbling with the umbrella, I finally opened it with a large thrap. We fell in step then, walking on the cobblestone streets, avoiding puddles as we went. And my heart was going crazy, thumping like mad. Over and over again I glanced at him. I wondered what he thought of me. Did he think me a gentleman? Or that I was simply being polite? I wanted Kiku to think of me, as selfish as it was. I wanted to be on his mind. As much as he was on mine, I wanted to be in all his thoughts.
How crazy of me, right?
I tried to silence these feelings, the lovesickness I couldn't trust. I tried to act casual. I tried not to think of him. The main word here is try though, and I'm sure I'm too lost to really try anymore. My reasonable mind was arguing with my flighty heart. My emotions were battling for dominance, and its whirlwind fought through me. And all the while I fought the urge to put an arm around him, to just slip my hand into his, and hope he would hold it back. I took comfort (such pitiful comfort) in the fact that our shoulders barely brushed though. Sharing an umbrella brought people closer, there's no lie about that. Whether it's strictly physical however, or something more though, I couldn't say.
And in this moment of me trying to be rational, I finally caught him looking at me. Quickly, Kiku looked away, cheeks flushed, eyes downward. It created a pretty picture, and for a moment I indulged myself in a ridiculous, yet lovely thought:
Wouldn't it be grand if he loved me too?
In 1911, we had the second renewal of our alliance. My stubborn, and dismal self couldn't believe it. Kiku liked me enough to want a second renewal to our alliance. A second one. I couldn't believe it, but I was happy all the same. Our friendship could continue. I'd be lying if I said my affection hadn't gotten stronger either. We both benefited nicely from this alliance, and I could be happy for that. But I was also happy to realize that maybe I had a chance. Maybe. Just a bit.
A party was held in a grand hall, filled with many important officials from our respective countries. And of course, we, the nations, were also present. And I received many words of congratulations that evening, was asked how I felt about the whole affair. It was all comfy politics, such things I've been used to for all my life, so it was a good event. Yet, funny thing was, I didn't see him that evening. At all. And it's…it's not like I'm desperate or anything, I was just curious as to where he was, and went to go looking for him. This was our event. I should at least see him once.
Or maybe I just wanted to see him.
Near the ending, I noticed his boss asking around for him, and no one had any idea where he had gone off to. I offered to search for him, and accompany him back to their hotel when he was found. He graciously accepted my offer, and when he left, I also did, in search. I considered my actions; was I being polite again? Or did I just want an excuse to get the two of us alone, to have him all to myself? (Not that I had anything perverse in mind, I just…I wanted any chance I could get to see him. That's all.)
Walking done those silent halls, the ones that had been so crowded before, felt a bit jarring. The moonlight shone through the tall windows, their shadows casting patterns on the carpeted floor. Its image was a bit fuzzy to me, the wine I'd had before making me a bit tipsy. But I continued on anyway, on my informal quest. In this silent, ornate hall, with a single goal in my mind, it almost reminded me of a fairytale. A man looking through a scenic and desolate place for the one he loved. All that were missing were the rose vines and the sleeping servants.
Perhaps I'd find Kiku asleep somewhere, on a couch maybe. Perhaps I'd have to wake him up with a kiss.
I blushed at the thought, frowning, thoroughly ashamed of myself. What was I thinking? Honestly, was I this drunk? Fairytales, what nonsense. As if the real world could offer me a fairytale's moment. I shrugged off such inane thoughts, such inane and beautiful thoughts. I've lived a long enough life to know when to be realistic. Cynicism wasn't something that went away. Once it infected a person, it wasn't something that could be cured, neither ignored.
But perhaps this love was something that stopped the symptoms for a while. A temporary medicine, which eased the pain. With my head a little off, and my heart full of happiness, perhaps I could indulge myself. Just this once, maybe it was ok.
The only sounds in that building were the distant noises of a city, and my cushioned footsteps.
For a moment, I considered my supposed 'cure', my feelings for Kiku. I couldn't deny I was in love, I was far past the point to even be considering that. No, rather, I'd already bemoaned the fact that I'd fallen in love with an ally, a fellow nation. But there was no stopping my feelings, my desperate heart. So rather, I entertained the thoughts of what this meant, of where this could go.
Well, I suppose it was the same with anyone in love; it all depended on if he loved me back. For now, I would have to continue my pining, continue to be plagued with my restless dreams and thoughts. It's so crazy, almost bordering on deranged, for how obsessed I'd become. So many people describe lovelorn people as poetic and tragic, but honestly it's just creepy fixation. You can try to make it sound as pretty as you want; we're still unhealthy and possessed in the end. Thinking back on this, I wonder if this really was a cure for my pessimistic nature, or if this was another sickness to merely distract me from my previous one.
Ah.
It all made sense now.
Why they call it 'lovesickness', why such a beautiful word as 'love' is coupled with something so miserable as 'sickness'. Because it shows both sides of the same coin, the uplifting nature of love, and the wallowing despair of that same feeling. To be in love with someone is both invigorating and depressing. It's such a wild and crazy emotion, and right now I suffered from it. I was in love. I was lovesick.
I realized this as I rounded the corner and caught sight of him. The image of my beloved, standing in front of a window, the moonlight hitting him just right. There he stood, alone and lovely in that hallway. He turned to look at me, handsome in his military uniform, cheeks flushed, eyes sleepy.
There he stood, the one who had infected me with this sickness, the one who had left me ill and breathless.
"Arthur-san." He greeted me, and I smiled sheepishly in return. Every time he said my name (my human name, the more personal one) my heart skipped a beat. This time was no different. I walked towards him, and spoke:
"What're you doing here, Kiku? The party's already ended."
He looked flustered for a moment, looked downward, cheeks reddening more. Getting closer I could see there was something in his stance, the way he held himself that seemed different. And with the faint scent of alcohol I realized he might've been just as tipsy as me.
"H-Has it? My apologies." He bowed his head a bit, "I lost track of time. How irresponsible of me."
"No, no, it's fine." I shook my head, "Just fine. You alright?"
"I'm…I'm just fine."
"You sure?"
He frowned, looked up to me apologetically. It was such a cute sight, I almost felt like I'd just grab him then, embrace him sweetly. He gulped and shook his head.
"I…I believe I'm a bit inebriated. That's actually the reason I excused myself. Once again, I'm…I'm sorry."
It was rare for me to see Kiku in such a state. He was a level-headed person, who rarely treated himself. In this surreal atmosphere, with Kiku in a way I'd never seen him, for a moment I wondered if I was dreaming. Maybe this was all a dream, my subconscious giving me a chance to evaluate myself and my situation, try to teach me some lessons. I realized this was a silly thought though, and waved it away. Instead I patted Kiku on his back, gently, and he looked at me again.
"Don't worry about it too much," I smiled, "Happens to the best of us. Want me to take you back to your hotel?"
"Yes, I would like that. You're too kind."
"Don't thank me. We're allies, Kiku, I'm just doing what's right."
We began walking down that hall, and he remained silent. His gaze was focused on the floor, and I felt something in the air then. Something a bit off, like something was about to happen. When he looked back up to me, face serious, I tried to predict what would happen next, but my cynical self couldn't foresee such a thing, was too distrustful to believe in miracles.
"You treat me so well, Arthur-san." He stated, and it made my heart leap. However, he wouldn't let me respond to such words, and continued, "You're always looking out for me. I…"
He trailed off, and looked downward. I realized how close we stood next to each other, and in the most wishful part of my mind, I wanted him to grab hold of my hand. To do away with words, and guessing, and to just show me he wanted more. With one simple action to show me how he felt, and assure me he was just as sick as me. That we were both lovesick.
"May I say something?" He asked, eyes clear, tone strong. I felt my knees go weak, wanted him to make a move, and nodded.
"O-Of course. What is it?"
I waited for words. Specifically, three words, three syllables, something to cure me. For now, I hushed the realistic side of me, believed that if this really was a dream, then it would come true. As Kiku tried to muster up the courage, I thought of how I would respond, of how sweet the words would sound on his tongue.
I wondered how it would be like to kiss him.
Finally, he spoke. But he lacked a word, a syllable, my cure:
"Thank you."
For a moment, I thought I'd misheard.
"S-Sorry?"
He looked forward again, as we walked in step, his hand so close, but his heart so far from me.
"Thank you for your kindness. I…I want to express my gratitude for this alliance. You've done so much for my country and me, and I just…I want to say thank you, Arthur-san." He smiled gently, "You are one of the greatest friends I've ever had."
I could be more.
Slowly, the darker thoughts of me came to surface, the needy and desperate ones, and I hated myself for it.
I could be more, Kiku. We could be more. I love you, I love you so much. Just give me the chance, I want to take care of you, I want to make you happy, I want to love you. Don't you see, Kiku? Don't you see? I'm ill. I'm unwell. I'm lovesick.
I need you.
I love you.
I felt like throwing up. I wasn't certain if it was because of the alcohol or because I was disgusted with myself, but I tried to quell whatever was hurting me. Honestly, what was wrong with me? I remained silent though, my mind searching for a proper response. I'm not going to lie; I was very flattered. I don't believe anyone's told me that, informed me that I was one of their greatest friends, have ever had the honor of holding such a position. I'm a distant person, content on my rainy little island. Yes, I've had alliances before, I've fought alongside other nations, yet…yet this was different. This wasn't just to benefit our countries, this wasn't just a desperate move to ensure survival in this cruel world. This was personal, this was different, this was…
This was…special.
And although I was happy to hear that, extremely grateful and even thrilled it…it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted more, so much more.
But I ignored that part of me. For now, I stayed content with his honest words and looked to him. Smiled.
"I…I feel the same, Kiku. You're a very good friend and I'm happy I met you."
And I love you.
I'm madly in love with you.
I didn't say this of course. As much as I wanted to spill out my heart to him, I didn't. It didn't feel right with him smiling at me like that, as he cast his glance downward, cheeks growing red. Whether he was giddy from the alcohol, or generally happy I wasn't sure. But I wanted to tell myself this was all true and not just the drunk words of an easily swayed man. I wanted a moment that was pure and sweet. Although it fell short, although it did not meet my expectations that was my own fault and none of Kiku's. So I cherished this moment, our raw feelings laid bare, something I had never experienced before.
I wondered when I could tell him. When the moment would be right. Maybe I really could have a moment like that, though. I remained hopeful that someday I could tell Kiku my feelings, and that maybe, just maybe, he would return them. That we could be something more than just friends, could be something wonderful and beautiful.
I knew, however, that moment was not now.
Right now, this was for something different. But I was assured that I would get to have my love confession. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this year or next year. But someday, I could tell him.
That maybe it could be ok to say such a thing. That maybe even a nation like myself had a chance at love.
"Arthur-san?"
I wanted love to be possible. I wanted to have hope. I wanted to love Kiku.
"Yes?"
"Are you alright? You seem a bit…sad."
I was quiet for a moment. Confused.
"Ah, do I? Sorry, it's nothing. I'm just…I'm fine." I smiled to him, and his worries seemed to disappear, the moonlight shining on his black hair, his face as kind as ever.
I think, most of all, I wanted Kiku to love me too.
Slowly, ever slowly I saw the ending of our alliance came into view. This wasn't anything new to me; it was laughable to think an alliance between two nations would last for an entire lifetime. Years perhaps. Months maybe. But either way, no matter what, it would end. Undoubtedly, like clockwork, all good things come to an end.
I was supposed to be used to this. I was supposed to just let this roll off my shoulders and just go on my merry way. So it didn't work out; so what? How did I expect this to be any different?
Well, because I was in love. It was as simple—and as infuriating—as that.
At this point I was extremely frustrated at myself, at my reasoning. I knew this was how it would end, so how dare I act so sad. I'd been constantly warning myself from the start and yet still I…I felt sad. This lovesickness made me foolish, so I tried my best to ignore it.
Even now as Kiku stared at me icily from across the table. The paperwork laid between us, signed and discussed, a done deal. Already the affair was done, and yet still I cried out for him. His callous words and looks stung me and I wanted to tell him No, I didn't want it to end this way, please understand.
I doubt my words could reach him now, though. Already, I fear I've lost him. Could I really blame him, too, seeing as how I've treated him? Do I really deserve his love after acting so cruelly?
"So you understand, right?" I voiced to him, going through the motions, trying not to meet his gaze. "It's beneficial for all of us. The best bet would be to just end the alliance now. Don't you agree?"
What was I saying honestly? This wasn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell Kiku that these were England's words, not Arthur's and that Arthur is extremely sorry and feels terrible for what he's done. However, I'm well aware Kiku is not here and the man that sits in front of me now is Japan.
He was quiet for a moment. Stoic. He'd been rather standoffish to me lately, his behavior growing colder with each meeting. Slowly Kiku was becoming lost to me, as he reverted to keeping me at a distance. Our friendship seemed like such a distant memory then, as if it had all been a dream. How had it come to this? My love, what have I done?
Japan looked down to the meeting room table, avoiding my gaze. Outside I could hear it beginning to rain, and suddenly it seemed too sad to me. For before that warm, calm rain had comforted me, now it only served to sadden the mood more. He looked back up to me, eyes uncaring, and I wondered where my love had gone.
"…I assume you find no more benefit from this alliance?"
His cruel words cut into me. Yet still, I remained just as stoic as him, tried to play my part, for I knew this was my fate and it was how I was supposed to be. Over and over the rational side of me told me 'I told you so's and I ignored them for now. Later, I could wallow in self-pity, but for now he was in front of me. Angry, unsatisfied, and rightly so.
I leaned backward into my chair, gazing out the window, avoiding his gaze. On and on, the sky poured down, a soft grey shush that stained this room a dark shade. I had a sudden urge to cry then, but choked back the want, tried to compose myself into something mechanical and heartless. I tried to lock away the words and feelings of Arthur, and let England play his part. I wanted to do this gently, wanted to ease the blow I was to deal to him, but I realized there was no way to do that. Either way, the outcome would hurt him, so I realized I might as well do this quickly; as if pulling off a bandage.
"No. My bosses have agreed that to keep up this alliance would be a hindrance. However with the Four Powers treaty all of us would benefit. Do you see? The pros outweigh the cons."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This is just how it is, I'm sorry.
This is what it meant to be a nation. We put our people before our feelings. Why hadn't I stayed faithful to those beliefs? If I had, would I be hurting as much as I am now?
I glanced back to Kiku. His lip was a thin line, his eyes a dull color, his body stiff and his mood obvious. At that moment I wished he could read my mind, and see how I really felt, realize this wasn't what I wanted at all. Arthur was crying out for his love, and I could not voice his words. And I realized it would just end like this, bitterly and painfully as Kiku spoke again.
"…You no longer have us in your interest."
It was as if he crushed my heart underneath his heel at that moment. But I remained calm, frowned, defended myself.
"I didn't say that-"
"You don't need to. I understand completely what you're saying."
He stood up from his seat then, and it was all so lost to me. I wanted to say a million things to make him understand, but it was all happening at once. It was exactly what I warned myself against, and it was just a lesson learned. I could feel my legs shaking, and I told myself to just let it happen. This was how it would be, and there was nothing I could do about it and…and…
…And I don't want that!
I love him. For once, I've let myself fall in love, and I want to believe, I want to have hope, that this will work out. I could not take this lying down. I couldn't lose him now. The person who has infected me with this lovesickness, someone I was willing to fight for.
"Kiku-!"
"It's Japan, thank you."
But it's not so easy. It's never so easy. I could feel a lump forming in my throat, but bit back tears, tried not to let this lovesickness overtake me. And Kiku (no, Japan) continued on, staring me straight on, his figure powerful in the dim room.
"I understand that you no longer have our interests in mind. Fine then. I see where our relationship stands."
"Kiku, sit back down."
Hear me out, please, I don't want it to end this way. I'm sorry for my weakness, I'm sorry I'm a nation, I'm sorry I can't give you better. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Yet desperately as I tried, these words would not come out. It was my moment and my body fought against me. Those words stayed stuck in my throat, and I could feel my hands shaking and tried to say something, anything, but I fear I made him angrier. For his scowl turned more fierce and he shook his head.
"I think we're done here."
He turned on his heel then, and I called out for him again. His human name, for I know I've lost Japan, but I didn't want Japan. I wanted Kiku, I wanted Kiku to hear me out, to listen. I wanted him to understand, that I know I'm hurting him, that my position has turned me against him, and that the feelings of Arthur hasn't changed. They never will. For he is sick, so very sick, and his condition is fatal at this point.
Oh, how heavy a burden a heart is.
Kiku did not turn around. Japan did not turn around. The door shut behind him, and I thought of running after him, but my knees felt weak, and I stayed there. The cold quiet room felt so small to me, and I felt it all hit me.
Why even bother? It's not…it's not as if it meant that much. It's just…It's just love, for God's sake. I didn't need it. I'd been living just fine without it, so what point would it be to try to patch this up with him? I just…my chance is gone. It's over.
…Goddammit.
It's not! It's not I…I want to have hope! I want to believe we have a chance, I want to be the stupid fool in love, that although the world has proven him wrong, he keeps trying. I've listened enough to reason, of wallowing in my thoughts. I've had enough of pining, of sitting at the sidelines.
I wanted to fight for this.
I got up from my chair then, and dashed out of the meeting hall. And after opening the doors with flourish I could see him just leaving the complex, still within earshot. This was it, my chance, my show to prove that I was in love and that I would finally do something about this. I wanted him to understand.
I wanted him to know.
"Kiku!"
He didn't turn.
Perhaps the pounding rain was too loud a sound. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, and yelled again, my voice carrying.
"Kiku! Kiku, wait!"
He kept walking on.
Slowly, the grey mist swallowed him, and he was gone. At that moment, I could feel my knees go weak, and it was as if I'd been punched in the stomach.
The harsh sound of the rain amplified in my ears, and all my thoughts drained away.
At first I could feel my chest tighten. It was then I noticed warmness in the rain that fell on me, something different from the drops. The chocking feeling in my throat, and then the dizziness I felt.
It took me awhile, but I finally noticed I was crying.
December of 1921 marked the ending of our alliance. The bond we had and the friendship we formed soon crumbled before our eyes.
I can rightly say it was my fault. I can't entirely say this was the fault of my bosses, because I also had a part in it as well. It was all a mess really, how it ended up like that. The alliance was losing its benefits. America was getting antsy. It was all a blur really, a confusion of politics and different sides, and in the end it was my weakness that did me in. I accept the blame. For it was exactly as I had suspected would happen, it was exactly what I had been saying since the start. I am a nation before I am 'Arthur' and I would have to follow my boss' orders before I could follow my own heart. This end was inevitable and it was a routine I was used to and that was that. I would simply clean my hands of the affair and forget what we had, and go on my way. Sign the Four Powers treaty and treat Japan as just another nation, no longer a friend.
I wanted to say that I didn't feel anything, but that would be a lie.
I didn't want to lose him. If I surmised all this angst and despair into one reason, tried to explain it, I would simply say this is as bad as my symptoms are. My lovesickness has reached critical condition. Here I am, the hypocrite, the dying man, Arthur Kirkland madly in love, yet hopeful. But put aside my lovelorn poetry, honestly, I was just nearing heartbreak.
I've done a lot of thinking since our last parting. Unintentional thinking, thoughts that I tried to ignore but couldn't. Thoughts about love, about my decision, and most importantly about Kiku.
After much soul searching and heavy sighs, I've come to various conclusions.
For one, I was still in love with Kiku. Try as I might to stop that it wasn't something I could simply do away with. Try as I might, it was there to stay.
Second, there could only be two endings to my lovesickness. Either I would reach heartbreak (terrible, saddening, a persistent fate) or he would return my feelings (unlikely and impossible).
Lastly, I still have hope. I realize it's hypocritical of me. I know it's foolish. Yet no matter how many times I try to convince myself a part of me still finds hope, still survives.
It was amazing really.
I'm sure Kiku was still angry with me and he had every reason to be. Yet still somehow, someway, I still believed I had a chance. Perhaps I was being optimistic, perhaps my lovesickness made me delusional. Even now I wanted to confess my feelings and hope he would return them kindly.
Thankfully enough, I might have that chance today. Under a rainy sky, under a black umbrella, my heart was aching yet strangely eager. Ready to break, but hoping for the best.
I walked around the puddles in the sparse streets of Kyoto, admired the scenery. Even as it was coated with rain and grey, the land here was still picturesque and subtle. My admiration for Kiku grew this far, and I followed the path to his home. I knew it by heart now, and vaguely I worried this would be the last time in a long while I could take such a walk.
Today I was here to pick the last of my things from his place. Small, insignificant things I have lent him. I haven't had a chance to speak to him on a personal level since our last meeting; since then we've been acting as England and Japan, everything business-related and curt. I hoped that this chance I would finally be able to speak to him as Arthur, finally allow him the time to speak to his Kiku.
I was hopeful. This was an all-or-nothing meeting, so over and over in my head I wondered how I would greet him. What I would say. It was something that had even plagued my thoughts on the boat ride here. And, to be honest, I still haven't found the words despite the time I've had.
They just never seemed enough. There was so much to say, so much built up, and so much in me there was no way I could voice it all. I had to find a way to reach his heart, but I just hadn't found it yet.
Perhaps I was overthinking it. I've been doing that a lot since I've fallen in love.
I didn't entertain the thought of what would happen if he rejected me though. Despite my pessimism it was one thought I tried to avoid. I was too scared of what would happen, so desperately clinging to the possibility of a happy ending. I wanted this to work out. I was so sure it would.
Finally, I reached his house. I remembered a time when I've done this before, stubbornly presenting him a bouquet of flowers. I never knew what would happen when I had approached his house. I had never known it would come to this point.
I should've bought flowers.
This time, I knocked on the door, folding my umbrella. After a long moment, he opened the door. What struck me most were his eyes, tired and cold.
"Good day, England-san."
His reference to my nation name stung me. I shrugged it off though, and nodded. "Good to see you, Kiku."
I wanted to say something then. Anything. But before I could muster up the words, he moved aside, allowing me entrance. As I walked in, he bowed his head.
"Please wait here as I get your things."
And with that he was gone and my chance was lost. I stood there awkwardly, the muffled sound of the rain behind me, my umbrella light in my hand. I coughed, and wondered for a moment if I should follow after, but it seemed quite clear he wanted this over as soon as possible. I wished it didn't have to be that way, but…but what could I do honestly.
I caught my reflection in the mirror in his entranceway. Examined my pale face and weary eyes. I think this whole affair has us all stressed. But it didn't have to be this way. What could I say to him when he got back though? Still, I was grasping.
Should I just blurt it out when he came back? 'Oh, by the way, I'm in love with you. Have been for a while.' No, no it was too sudden. Bordering on crazy. Perhaps I could ask him how he's been doing? Ease him back into it, show that I meant no harm. Just…I didn't want us to be like this. We didn't even have to be lovers just…I wanted to mean something to him. Something that didn't fill him with spite.
When I looked back he rounded the corner, face still solemn. He held out the box to me, and that's when I took my chance.
"How have you been?"
My voice sounded strange to me then. Somehow strained. He frowned at me, yet was patient all the same. Kiku was polite if anything else.
"I have been well. Thank you for asking. Your things-"
"Are you sure?"
He paused. Looked up at me. I knew I was facing Japan then, but I wanted Kiku. I just wasn't sure how I could have him show that side of himself to me. If I was going to confess it was going to be to the man I love, dammit, not a façade he wore. I stayed where I was, not daring to back down. Perhaps he'd get the message. Maybe he'd understand.
He looked down at the wooden box he held, the only thing keeping me here. With the mood dark, and all actions meaningful he spoke weakly.
"I…I must admit, I've had better days."
"I'm sorry."
He looked up, confused. Now was my chance, and I spoke carefully.
"I'm…I'm sorry for what's happened. I'm sorry for what I've done. Kiku I…I never wanted it to be this way. Please understand."
And there it was. Just like that, I gave him my apology and the spotlight was on him now. Where this would go would depend on his answer. I watched his face for any change, for any indication for what would come next. He only shook his head, unsmiling, serious.
"Arthur-san there's no need for apology. It's already done." He raised the box again, "Thank you for your time, as short as it was."
I'm not stupid. I took the hint. I took the passive aggressive blow too. Of course I took it all, stunned, unsure, my resolve weakened. He was always good at being vague and placing his true message between the lines. I knew what this meant.
This was goodbye.
I took the box, trying to think of what to say. Tried to think up a proper response. And as I nodded my head at him, turned towards the door, opened it myself, I realized maybe this was the proper ending. This is just how it is with nations; we get together, we break apart, we make friendships, the next day we're enemies. It's always been like this, since the dawn of time. Everything's temporary, and we just have to live with that. It's just how our fate is. And that's how this was too; just another alliance of mine made and then ended. Just another page in my history book. I left then, as he closed the door behind me, but another realization struck me.
…I wanted more.
I wanted more than this.
It meant more to me than just an alliance. I'd fallen in love. And dear God, if that didn't mean something to me. For once I had hope, for once in my whole life I wanted something and I…
…I want it.
I want it so very much.
If there really is a God, some sort of merciful higher being, than all I'm asking for is this. I want to be in love. I want him to know.
I just want one last chance.
Before I knew it, with the cold of the outside pressing against me, I turned around sharply, grabbing the edge of the closing door, stopping it in its path. He looked up, surprise, and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
"I'm sorry."
He still looked at me confused, and the pounding of the rain filled in my ears. I soldiered on, laying my heart bare, forgetting any sort of formalities. At that moment, I was only Arthur, terribly hopeful and lovesick.
"I'm sorry for how I've hurt you. I'm sorry for how it's ended. Please just…just understand I didn't want it to be this way. Kiku I…"
I began to choke up, but I swallowed, and with the strongest voice I could muster I told him. Finally, for once.
"Kiku, I love you. I'm…I'm in love with you."
His eyes widened. And then, it was only the rain that spoke.
A long moment passed and I waited for any change in his facial expression, waited for a response. Perhaps he'd embrace me, and reveal he's madly in love too. Maybe he'd just smile. I waited so long for this, but I never got it and I never will. His eyes dropped, his head ducked, he frowned. I didn't like these signs and I knew this wouldn't end well.
Most of the time, lovesickness never does.
"You…you mean it?"
"I do."
He looked back up. His face said it all then: discomfort. Unhappy. As well as he tried to hide it I knew. I had already known from the start.
"I…" he gulped, "I am very happy to hear you feel such a way. I'm flattered. However…"
He shook his head. "However, I do not feel the same, Arthur-san. I'm…I'm very sorry."
And with that, my heart broke. It was funny how such a sentence could do so much to me.
I felt dizzy, felt my stomach lurch. The world seemed deafened all of a sudden, greyed out almost. His words repeated themselves in my mind over and over and looking back up his eyes were full of pity.
How dare he.
"I…I see." I nodded, and any sort of despair seemed to trickle away as something set back in its place. Something so grossly inappropriate at this time, but just seemed so horrifically right. "So…So this whole time I was just an ally. I see. Alright."
"No, that's not what I'm saying!" Kiku spoke, his tone kind, "I…I must admit I did cherish your friendship. However, I…I never loved you."
I wanted to be cruel then. What else was I expecting why did I even confess, this was all so bloody stupid. I had been such a fool, of course he would reject me, of course. The first time I have hope, I try to fight for something, I'm shot down.
Wasn't that how it was the first time too? I'd been so pathetic then, and I'm pathetic now.
It's even raining, just as it had been then.
Oh how ironic.
I chuckled then, and it sounded poisonous to my ears. It was as if I was watching myself do this, and Kiku looked at me surprised, scared.
"Right then. Never loved me, that's fine. It's not as if you need to I just…just wanted you to know." I looked at him, and how I looked now made him jump, "Is it because I broke it off? That why?"
"No, that is…"
"Oh, alright. Fine then. Great, that's just perfect." I laughed again, "Just bloody well perfect. Thanks so much for your time then Kiku, as short as it was."
I didn't even know what I was saying. But I couldn't stop myself, and he frowned at me, angry. What the hell was I doing. I'm such a fool.
"…Arthur-san." His voice was strict, "I'm sorry I can't return your feelings, but I don't appreciate your tone either. My apologies, but my feelings remain the same."
"Of course they do. You don't need to talk down to me either."
"…I am not."
So that was that. The end. The end of this completely pathetic and almost pitiful love story. What a stupid and unnecessary affair this all was. To think I'd actually indulge myself in this. Why didn't I learn my lesson? Why did I give it another chance?
And dear God why was I saying these things to them.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
"Right." I nodded, and it's then I felt the tears stinging my eyes. Oh no. No I would not cry in front of him. Not now. I wanted to be anywhere then here now, and yet strangely I didn't want to leave his side. "Then. Then goodbye, Kiku. Thank you for everything."
I wanted to say 'I love you' again, but I feared I'd be tarnishing my image even more, so I didn't. Before he could respond, I closed his front door myself and ran. I didn't even bother opening my umbrella, didn't even bother noticing the rain. Try as I might, I kept replaying that last meeting in my mind over and over, going over the script, alternately pitying myself and hating myself. After a good distance had been made, I looked up at the sky, as the rain drenched me.
This was exactly how it was supposed to be.
I felt a bitter laugh bubble at the back of my throat, and I realized this was how it was supposed to be all along. Why did I even try to be anything else? I knew this from the start; a nation could never love another nation. It was never meant to be. I closed my eyes, focused on the cold biting into my bones. Slowly, ever slowly, I became numb and felt my chest rise and fall with each breath. I counted each one, and I felt myself settle back into what I was used to, my routine, how I was supposed to be.
The feelings of Arthur soon deafened and died, the maturity and coldness of England setting back in. It was an odd feeling, shutting off a part of you. But it was a technique I was used to, and I just let it happen.
That was the day my lovesickness came to an end, the day my heart broke, the day I stopped believing in love.
Well, it was the end I had been expecting. Should I really be surprised? It was nothing new. However, to be honest, I had hoped it would be different. I wanted Kiku to be the one to prove me wrong, to give me hope, to make it all ok.
But it wasn't ok. It wasn't ok at all.
The end! Thank you for reading!
Sorry if Arthur is terribly wordy here, and that he lashes out in the end. It seemed like the way he would respond, so I wrote it as such. This marks the end of Lovesick, and thanks so much for reading it to this point.
-Apple Fairy