Tina had been on the verge of considering a marriage proposal from Dick Grayson, sexy superhero turned sexier spy undercover at St. Hadrian's Finishing School For Girls turned centaur, when Nasthalthia Luthor had shown up.
Reluctantly, Tina loosed Dick's butt and turned to face Nasthalthia. Ok, even she had to admit that she had not done a very good job stealing Nasthalthia's identity. Nasthalthia was super tall for one thing, and had long dark hair and awesome makeup.
"What are you talking about?" asked Dick, before Tina could say anything. "This is Nasthalthia Luthor."
"And how'd you figure that out, Genius?" asked Nasthalthia. "Do you people even bother for asking for identification? You even called her Tina one chapter ago!"
"Yeah…" said Dick slowly. "Because Tina's short for –"
"You don't know dick, Dick." Nasthalthia swept forward. "Tina ain't short for nothing but Christina. The shortened form of Nasthalthia is Nasty, obviously."
Dick turned to Tina. "Is this true?" he asked quietly.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhh….." said Tina.
"Get off my ass."
"What?"
"I SAID GET OFF MY ASS!" Dick yelled, rearing up and sending Tina flying off him.
Tina fell to the ground. Luckily her boobs cushioned her fall somewhat, but it still hurt like a thousand boob punches. As she looked up dazedly, Nasthalthia smirked down at her.
"Here's a little life lesson," said Nasthalthia, "never double cross a Luthor. Come on, Dick, let's ride."
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo," cried Tina. "Dick please, I can explain everything!"
"The only thing you need to explain is what I'm doing on Dick's butt," interrupted Nasthalthia, "and the answer is that I will be riding that sweet ass all the way to the dorms."
As Nasthalthia sauntered over to Dick, and put a hand on his long mane in order to climb onto his perfect butt, Tina saw red. Suddenly all the force of the capoeira rose within her and she swept out her leg.
Nasthalthia, caught by surprise, fell to the ground heavily.
Tina climbed to her feet. "You step away from dat ass." She ordered. "Or there's more Brazilian fire where that came from."
Nasthalthia snarled. "You'll regret the day you ever came to St. Hadrian's, Belcher!"
"The only thing I'll regret about this day is not telling the truth to Dick!" Tina replied.
Dick could feel in his butt that Tina was speaking the truth (because she whispered those words into his crack) but he was still hurt and so he turned his head, and ignoring the words breathed between his cheeks, began to walk away.
Tina slumped to ground with a flat no.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," groaned Tina flatly.
"Hahaha! What a day this has been!" Nasthalthia laughed triumphantly. "Even with a mild headcold and fever I still feel like a million bucks! I've taken everything from you Tina! And now I'm going to crush you like those tax evasion charges crushed uncle Lex!"
"Wrong!" said Tina. "Because now I have nothing to lose, and I won't be holding back!" She assumed the stance of capoeira mindfulness.
Nasthalthia charged towards Tina, laughing maniacally. As her fist was about to connect with Tina's boob, for the boob punch of ultimate destruction, Tina side stepped and, putting her leg out, swept it majestically under Nasthalthia's feet, sending the teenaged temptress flying to floor.
But something was wrong.
First off all, Nasthalthia did not simply hit the ground, but kept going, skidding through the grass. Then she hit a couple of rocks. Then she hit the steps of St. Hadrian's, coming to a messy stop at Matron's feet.
"What the hell…" said Matron.
Nasthalthia did not move. Tina had never expertly pwned someone with capoeira before, but now she was scared by the unleashed power of the Brazilian feet. Maybe she had hurt Nasthalthia. Ok, she had definitely hurt Nasthalthia, because there was blood all over the place and the school girls who had come outside to idly watch the fight were screaming hysterically, but maybe she had hurt Nasthalthia even worse than she already had!
"Someone call the Matron!" yelled Matron.
Dick neighed and galloped off to find medical aid.
"RUN DICK!" Matron shouted after him. "RUN LIKE THE WIND!"
"Holy horse butts," Tina drew closer to the shocked crowd, "that looks serious."
"YOU THINK?" Demanded Matron holding up Nasthalthia's head, which was detached from her body.
Dick reappeared, with Bones riding on his back. As he skidded to a halt, Bones jumped down, his face all serious and medical. Dick pulled his horse butt and legs into his regular butt, and, back in his two-legged sexy form, looked down seriously. "If she's dead," he said, "I don't think I can forgive you Tina."
Bones looked up seriously, his fingers on Nasthalthia's pulse. "She's dead, Dick." He said.
Matron stood up, Nasthalthia's head in her arms. "This is a very serious incident." She snapped. "And shall be treated accordingly. Fifty Thousand points from Gryffindor. Tina, I don't care how much you touch my butt, you're out of here. Get your bags and go."
"But miss," said one of the girls, known as Scandal Savage, "Tina's over there. Tina's not touching your butt."
Matron raised one of her eyebrows. "If Tina's not touching my butt, then who is?"
The girls (and Dick and also Bones and also Matron) looked down in horror. IT WAS NASTHALTHIA TOUCHING MATRON'S BUTT!
"She's alive!" Screamed Scandal Savage.
"She's not alive!" Dick yelled. "She's a zombie! Drop that head, Matron!"
Matron threw Nasthalthia's head as far as she could into the bushes. "It's too late!" She cried out in frustration.
"Why?" Tina asked. "Did she bite you?"
"Worse," said Matron. "She touched my butt. Now she knows all the secrets of the school. This is bad."
"We have to warn the other girls," said Dick, sprouting out his horses legs.
"Now see here, Matron," Bones interrupted. "Where did you throw that head?"
"I threw it towards the pool, why?" Matron asked.
"What time is it?" Bones asked.
"It's two-thirty." Dick snapped. "Is there a point to this?"
Tina's heart stopped as she remembered the brochure. "If it's two thirty on a Friday then that means the girls will all be doing synchronised assassin swimming! They'll all be in the pool!"
"NO!" Dick cried out.
Matron and Tina leapt on his butt and he galloped as fast as he could. "This doesn't change anything Tina," Dick snapped as they flew across the lawn. "Just because I'm letting you ride on my butt doesn't mean I'll let you ride on my butt. We're over as far as I'm concerned."
Tina nodded, tears welling in her eyes.
By the time they reached the pool, they knew it was too late, unless the girls had decided to bathe in cranberry juice, which they certainly hadn't because cranberry juice revival baths happened on Wednesday, which meant the girls had all been infected.
"We have to get back to the others!" Matron snapped. "We need to get to the armoury and stop this thing!"
Dick's heart was breaking at the loss of so many talented students and he didn't reply.
"NOW DICK!" Tina yelled, slapping his ass out of its reverie, "move that sweet tush or we won't live to see another full moon!"
Dick charged back towards the small group of girls.
"Ok, " said Matron, looking at the assembled girls (and Bones), "Well the bad news is your friends are dead and they know the secrets of this school, and also of Spyral, the organisation I work for."
"What do they want, Matron?" asked a girl, "do they want to eat us?"
"Worse than that," said Matron. "They want our butts."
"That doesn't sound too bad," said Tina.
Unbeknownst to the assembled survivors, as they discussed the pros and cons of zombie butt touching (strong arguments were presented on both sides), the zombies had fanned out from the pool, and, entering the school, were heading straight to the armoury, and worse, the strong room in the centre where the computers held all the secrets of the school that were too important to be entrusted to Matron's butt.
High above all of this, Steph Brown, who had refused to leave the fanfiction, was watching the unfolding horror from the roof.
"This is getting serious," said Steph, pulling down her purple hood, thus transforming herself into Spoiler. "Looks like it's time to call in Buttman. I mean Batman."