"I'm disappointed in you, Jim," Gary said, placing his tray of food down across the table from Jim's and sliding into a chair.
"How's that?" Jim asked, already amused.
"I spent years, years Jimmy-boy, dragging you away from your books and teaching you to loosen up. Then we get sent on separate assignments just for a little while, and when I come back, you've fallen for the walking computer." Gary shook his head teasingly. "Sometimes I wonder why I even bother."
Kirk blanched. Partially because he had been trying to keep it a secret, at least until Spock figured out that they were soulmates too, but trust Gary to figure it out, more or less, first. But mostly because he had been trying to keep it a secret, but trust Gary to start talking about it right in the middle of the mess. "Can we not talk about this here?"
"No one's going to eavesdrop on the captain," Gary said dismissively. "Besides, if you wanted to keep it a secret, maybe you should be a little less obvious about your pining."
"I'm not worrying about people eavesdropping, I'm worried about them accidently overhearing." Especially if the person in question had superhuman Vulcan hearing. "And I am not pining."
"I think I know what you look like when you're pining. You forget, I'm the one who introduced you to Carol," Gary said.
Jim gave him a dry look. "Given how that worked out, I wouldn't really say it was a point in your favor."
Gary winced at that. "Sorry, you're right. I guess all the time you spent teaching me not to put my foot in my mouth has gone to waste too," Gary said, smiling apologetically, and Jim found himself forgiving Gary's earlier transgression. The man was damned hard to stay mad at.
"It's fine," Jim assured him. "I actually heard from Carol not that long ago. They're both doing well." Jim could hear his voice go a bit wistful as he spoke. It was strange: he didn't miss Carol at all, and he never wanted kids, and yet every time she called to give him an abbreviated update on David…
Gary gave him a sympathetic look. "Well, that's good, right? And hey, I'm sure things will work out much better this time."
"Are you undertaking a project of some sort?" Jim and Gary looked up at Spock, who had apparently approached them unnoticed while they were talking, and Jim barely suppressed the urge to say 'I told you so,' to Gary. At least there was some comfort in the fact that Spock's question indicated he hadn't heard anything they had said before Gary's last comment.
A comfort that rapidly evaporated when Jim caught a glimpse of the mischievous look in Gary's eye. "Something like that, Commander Spock. Why don't you join us; there's an empty seat next to Jim."
Spock raised eyebrow seemed to imply that he was well aware of the empty seat, as well as the myriad of others available in Jim and Gary's immediate vicinity, but he did end up sitting down next to Jim. "May I inquire about your project, Captain?" he asked.
"I think Jim wants that to be a surprise, right Jim?" Gary said, a little too innocently.
"Yes, I am trying to keep it under wraps for now," Jim agreed giving Gary a pointed look. Gary remained completely unrepentant, which Jim had to admit was hardly a surprise.
"So Spock, I heard through the grapevine that you like to play 3D chess," Gary said, seemingly apropos of nothing. Seemingly, but Jim was on to him.
"I do. Do you play, Mr. Mitchell?"
"Not if I can possibly avoid it. That's why I was asking, as a matter of fact. Jim here loves to play, and I was hoping to find someone else he could bully into playing against him," Gary said. Which was a bald-faced lie: Gary had never played a single game of chess in his life, so far as Jim knew, and Jim had certainly never forced him to.
"I would be quite willing to play against you, if you would be amendable to it," Spock said to Jim. On the other hand, Jim had to admit, in his head, because Gary would be insufferably smug if Jim ever said it out loud, he couldn't argue with Gary's results.
"I would be very amendable to it," Jim said, smiling at Spock. Their eyes met and locked for a long moment…
A moment that as inevitably broken by Gary. "I'll just leave you two alone, shall I?"
"Don't be an ass, Gary," Jim rebuked mildly before turning to Spock. "Please don't mind Mr. Mitchell; he thinks he's funny."
Spock gave them a look like he suspected both of being crazy, but was too polite to admit it. Of course, Spock often seemed somewhat dubious of the human crew's antics, so Jim didn't take it to heart.
"What do the both of you think of our first mission?" Jim said, quickly grasping on a new topic before Gary could continue his less than subtle attempts to push Jim and Spock together. "Going beyond the edge of the galaxy is a bold way to start things off, isn't it?"
"You have to be bold if you want to get anything done. 'A faint heart never won a fair lady,'" Gary said, giving Jim a long look, peppered with little quick glances at Spock. Jim glared at him.
"It should prove a fascinating experience," Spock opinioned and Jim grinned.
"Quite right, Mr. Spock," Jim said. "Still, we'll have to be on our guard; who knows what could be waiting for us out there."
"You've got nothing to worry about, Captain, not so long as you've got your best flyer at the helm," Gary said.
"And I suppose that's you?" Jim said, teasing. "You know, you better watch your back. I hear Sulu's thinking of asking for a transfer from astro-physics to helmsman."
Gary frowned. "That's a bit of a career switch, isn't it?"
"Mr. Sulu studied both disciplines at Starfleet Academy, and to all accounts he is an excellent piolet," Spock informed him.
"See?" Jim said. "Sulu could be taking your job before you know it."
Gary smiled winningly at the both of them. "Never going to happen."
Jim laid out on his bunk staring unseeingly at the ceiling, and he could not cry.
He had known he was going to lose some good men and women on this voyage, and he had been prepared for it. After all, he'd lost people under his command before, though this was obviously the first time he'd done so as captain. Jim wondered if that was what made the difference this time, the fact of being captain. Or maybe it was because Gary hadn't died by the hand of some an enemy, but because Jim had been hunting him down to kill him – or, at least, to kill the thing that had taken Gary's place by the end. Or maybe it was a simple as Gary having been his friend, one of his closest, and it was always harder to lose a friend than a subordinate. Probably, Jim concluded, it was a mix of all three of those things, but especially the last.
The sound of knocking startled him, but Jim relaxed when he realized that it wasn't coming from the main entrance to his quarters, but from the door the bathroom that he shared with Spock. "Enter!" he called, and briefly entertained the notion that he should get up and make himself appear somewhat presentable, but he discarded the thought as quickly as it came. Even if he and Spock weren't what they were, or would be, to each other, as his First Officer Spock was bound to end up seeing Jim at his worse more than a few times over the course of their five year mission. No reason to put it off.
Spock walked in carrying a PADD, and while he certainly couldn't have been expecting Jim to be lying listlessly in his bunk, he showed no indication of surprise at the sight either. "Apologies, Captain. I had some personnel changes for your review, but it can wait until tomorrow if you prefer."
Jim laughed, and it sounded ugly and hollow even to himself. "I don't think I'm much good for anything tonight."
Spock nodded and Jim thought he would leave, but he lingered just inside the doorway for a few moments longer. "Jim," Spock began hesitantly. "If you would like… that is, I do not have much personal experience in the matter, but my understanding is that humans can find it helpful to talk about their feelings."
Despite the warm glow that cut through a bit of Jim's numbness at Spock's words, Jim shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it, not now. Thanks, though."
This time Spock really did turn to leave, and suddenly Jim found himself calling him back. "Do you think you could stay? Just for a little while."
"Certainly," Spock said. He pulled the chair from Jim's desk up alongside the bed and sat down, his back ramrod straight. He looked, in Jim's estimation, adorable, but also incredibly awkward and Jim felt the faint stirrings of guilt.
"You don't have to if you don't want to. Stay, that is," Jim said, and if he hated himself a bit for saying it, he would have hated himself even more if he hadn't. "It's hardly your job to hold the Captain's hand because he's upset."
Spock gave him a look that could almost be described as prim. "To the contrary, seeing to the Captain's wellbeing is one of the First Officers primary duties." Then, in a more natural tone he added, "I want to stay, if you wish me too."
Jim smiled, and if it was small, it was no less real for all that. "Thank you."
The silence was easier to bear with Spock there, but it still pressed down on Jim, until he felt he should be gasping for breath. "You were on a research mission before this, weren't you? Tell me about it," Jim asked.
"Is there anything in particular you were interested in?" Spock responded, unfazed by Jim's sudden request.
"Nothing in particular. Whatever you found fascinating."
"It was all fascinating," Spock said reproachfully, but then he did as Jim had asked.
After the first sentence or two, Jim stop paying any mind to the individual words, instead just absorbing the sound of Spock's voice as he watched his friend and, though Spock didn't know it yet, the other half of himself. Slowly, Jim's gaze dropped from Spock's face down to his left side, within easy reach. Jim knew it was improbable that Spock's soulmark would be in the same place as Jim's own, but Spock's heart would be located in that very same spot; if Jim could just feel that steady thrumming beneath his fingertips, a tangible reminder that no matter what had transpired that day, Jim wasn't yet alone in the universe, and things could have been far worse, then…
But that would be too much, too soon. So instead, Jim closed his eyes and let the cadence of Spock's voice wash over him.
If at any point Spock noticed the tears that began to slide down Jim's cheeks, he was kind enough not to comment on it.