Normal day on the Sendou residence, when suddenly...
*random Aichi appears in kitchen*
-Emi, have you seen my phone?
-Nope, haven't. Why?
-I'm afraid HE could find it...
-SHITE- answered Emi, putting on an overly manly face while saying this and smashing the cupcakes she just made.
Lying on Aichi's bed, Outlaw Gunslinger 'Card-kun', former G2 card, now sadistic 'friend', was reading Aichi's precious chats; currently those with 'Ren-kun :D'
BLUE BUNNY HONEY. MUST COME. LOVES YOU, RED BUTT- Ok, nobody wants to know the rest of this...
- To 'Cute, little Emi, who seems to be my older sister, but she's actually not': SIS. LOST IN SUPERMARKET. I'M SCARED. HELP(~;O;)~
- From 'Misaki-san': Heard you scored 9 on math's finals, keep the good job, son! (?)-his mom?
Then, he stepped with the chats of a guy he knew. The chats of Toshiki Kai? The sole reading of that name made him sick.
- Uh... okay... I kinda hate this guy, but...- said the dude, to the outstanding amount of 534.223 total messages-
After a while reading, he let out an insane laugh.
- WHAT THE FUUUUUCK IS THIS? ARE THEY A COUPLE? THIS IS SO GAY
Then, he realized how hard his laugh was, when steps could be heard outside the room. With a few kicks, the phone's owner stepped in.
- HEY, THAT'S PRIVATE! said Aichi, red as a tomato, it seems.
Card-kun ignored him, and continued sneaking in Aichi's (not anymore) personal and private things? With a single arm in Aichi's face, he kept the bluenette's swings away from him. After a few seconds, looks like he found something really interesting.
-Nope, this is private- said suddenly, showing him photos of him and Toshiki Kai in a very suggestive gay mood, "with Kai-kun 3" was the album's name.
-YOU MONSTER. YOU'RE A MONSTER.
-Monster? That's how they call me now?- said Card-kun, with a dark smirk, while staring at the roof
-DON'T GO INTO DEEP THINKING, JUST GIMME MY PHONE BACK,YOU BIG IDIOT
The former Unit just ignored him again, and continued to sneak in Aichi's chats.
-Hey, what about this Kourin-san girl? Looking at your not-so-private-now chats, looks like you have some kinda crush on both Kai and Kourin but can't choose, huh?
-STOP IT, CARD-KUUUN. WHY YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS?
-Well... SORRY FOR HAVING THIS ONLY WAY TO DRAG YOUR ATTENTION ONTO ME- yelled the ex-G2, bright red.
-Dude, you... wanted my attention?- Aichi asked, really surprised. That guy, who has only brought pain, missery and bullying since he became part of his life... could it be that, more that a sadistic bastard, he would actually be just a hardcore tsundere?
But then, Aichi noticed something: Zed's blush was gone. No, he *literally* took off his blush away. Looks like it was just some kind of kawaii stickers...
- Actually, no way in hell I'd want that. Just needed more time to upload this to some famous youtuber's page for a "friend's most pathetic chat" contest. Don't worry, I'll share the first place reward with Emi, and she can share that part with you
CARD-KUN, YO BIG MOTHAFU-
THREE MONTHS AGO
Dark Gunslinger _, before being Blueberry's "friend", was actually a G2 card surrounded by mystery, and shitty creepypastas like "people die when it's killed by this card" or "that card will eat your soul in order to become a Kishin and spread madness all over the world" *REALLY*
The thing is, that some wise guy once posted on his Tumblr that he had this 'mysterious' card in his loser's hands. He also shared a photo of it. He just looked like a BOSS. In the post, he said that he was using it against a duel with his rival next week and that he'll post how strong that card was. But, the duel came, and after the losers saw the card's might, both of them posted in their loser's blogs the same thing:
THIS CARD IS SHIIIIIT. DARK GUNSLINGER WHATEVER IS SHIT. HE WON'T FUCKIN' ATTACK, OR DEFEND, OR NOTHING. HE WILL LAY THERE, WATCHING THE DUEL WHILE POCKING HIS GOOD-FOR-NOTHING NOSE AS HE LAUGHS AT YOU. FUCK THE GUYS WHO MADE THIS CARD
And so then, the golden age of unnamed Unit-based shitty creepypastas came to an end.
But that's not it yet, otherwise some days ago I'd have to go to my grandma's house, and I HATE going there. So a random day, by even more random and mysterious circumstances, the most lengendary (useless) G2 card was given by a guy who was actually selling toilet paper, to the most unthinkable person in Jap-land: yes, among all the losers with weird haircuts, Aichi Sendou had to be the chosen by destiny. *yaaaaaaaaaay*
So, after fangirl-ing for quite a while in front of an entire park (giving a damn about having everyone's watching him), he rushed to his home to show it to, like, EVERYONE HE KNEW. He was just too happy to believe HE, FROM EVERYONE, had this blessed piece of (CRAP) in his little, cute and girly hands.
Emi, meanwhile, was waiting for her brother in the kitchen, baking some cupcakes for the evening's drama. Suddenly, about 3 PM, Aichi literally went into the kitchen through the roof, and landing gracefully on the kitchen's table, preformed a matador-like JoJo pose flawlessy (with the sparkles, onomatopoeias and everything); dry ice everywhere, like a 80's star on stage. Emi was all like "oh, good, another poor soul doomed in the black dephts of JoJo's fandom"
- EMI, EMI, JUST LOOK AT THIS-. Black shades like a boss, threw Gambit-style his new possession to her. (Although, he was way surprised it actually worked like he imagined it)
Emi catched the card without actually looking at it (somehow), as a dramatical motion waved her hair and clothes.
- Is this... could it be...?- said Emi, surprised.
- YES, IT IS. IT'S THE...
- MOST SORRY-ASS CARD IN ALL VANGUARD. AICHI, H-HOW DID YOU..?
- A guy gave it to me when I was- Wait, sorry-ass? This card?
Aichi's 80's dry ice, shades and non-described cape just poofed in air. Now he was a just a bluenette standing in a over-dramatically "my entire life was a lie!" pose.
- Why the surprise, brother? I thought you already knew about that lame card. Say, according to that post on the Fanguard's Tumblr, it doesn't even attacks.
Aichi saw his entire journey back home in front of his eyes. His happiness could be compared to a sparkling panda cub surfing on a hotdog in a pink sea made of LSD. But then, Emi had to ignite the ocean, burning the panda and the hotdog to death. Poor hotdog, he was so young and full of dreams. Aichi felt so bad for the hotdog. EVERYONE READING THIS, HAIL THE HOTDOG. Fuck you, Emi. You heartless bitch :c
-I-I will make it strong. - You're what? Aichi, it's a card. Do you even-
- I will... and we will be friends with the spirit within this card, and then, we'll fight side by side as mates and you'll see, Emi, you'll see... - said Aichi, with a creepy as hell face on.
- Aichi, you really can be weird, sometimes...
For many days, the bluenette gave homo love to 'Card-kun', who gave 0 fucks about Aichi's efforts to make him become an useful G(ay)2 unit. For many days, he looked like a creep talking to a card. The fact that was a Vanguard card made that even creepier. But then one day, while Aichi was saying gay things in his room, the card started to glow. Aichi was all freaked out and screaming like a bitch, scared as hell like any one of you would be (maybe without the bitch-screaming part)
The bluenette cried for help as manly and loud as he could. Almost instantly, Emi entered Aichi's room performing an exquisite flip, wooden bat at hand.
- WHO'S THE BASTARD BULLYING THE BLUE-HAIRED MAIDEN, YOU IDIOTS
- YOU'RE THE BASTARD BULLYING THE BLUE-HAIRED MAIDEN, YOU STUPID LITTLE SISTER- yelled Aichi, embarrassed as he realized he didn't sounded manly enough to not sound like a girl. Not at all.
- It's the card. It's glowing
-What are you talking a- Emi stared at the card, completely white. "T-t-the c-card is glowing". Even Emi is scared...
- Well, uhh... what do we do?- asked Emi, her swing max charged if something suddenly happen
- If h-h-homo love started this, t-then... THEN, HOMO LOVE IS THE ANSWER- shouted Aichi, really confident of his idea, as he dramatically pointed at the glowing thing.
- That's like, the worst idea you've ever had, brother...
- OBJECTION- said someone hitting the wall instead of a trial podium.
- KAI-KUN- said Aichi, just like the fangirl he is. Wait, doesn't it mean Kai heard his girly scream?
- I was at my house, when I heard a maiden screaming in panic, crying for someone to help her. The screaming's source was somewhere around this sector, so I ran here (yup, seems like he did). Then I saw a glowing from Aichi's room, so I thought the maiden could be him, so I came in. Also, have you noticed there's a hole in your kitchen's roof? (yes, that hole stills right there)
- I think that card reacted to Aichi's homo feels, but whatever it is, it's only halfway complete. Sendou Aichi- said Kai, pointing at the bluenette- keep giving that thing homo love!
- And what if something that want to hurt us comes out?- said Emi, obviously worried.
- You have a bat in your hands, don't you?- replied Kai, confident in Emi's strength as he saw the swing bar above her head fully charged. She smiled, holding the bat harder than before. So then, everyone's hopes where in Aichi's homo feelings, as he became all shy and stuff about giving homo love to someone in front of his little sister and Kai.
- I-I can't do it. To give h-h-homo love to that card i-in front of you...- said the blue puppy, as he turned bright red.
- We understand, Aichi- said a female voice, stepping hard against the floor. Kourin, ladies and gentlemen, has arrived to the party. - Sorry if I'm late. Some brown-haired idiot threw a shovel at me in front of your house. Also, have you realized there's a hole in your kitchen's roof?-
"We really need to fix that thing" Aichi said to himself.
She and Kai shared a fierce glance. "Just who the fuck do you think you are, Toshiki Kai? Aichi is all mine. Mine and mine only" said her's, as Kai's replied: "I'm the Toshi-nator, you raggedy little shit; you thought the one who make Aichi wet with its sole prensence was you? It was me, Kai!". As the glare duel ended in draw, Kourin continued.
- Everyone, please, this is something Aichi must do by himself- said in a stern voice.
So the three of them tried to left the room at the same time at once, but failed because the door was not wide enough and they fell on their backs as they felt as dumb as the Three Stooges. Emi stood up really quickly, and stepped on both Kai and Kourin. Emi saw at them with a reaaally creepy sight. "You scared the shit out of me, you bastards. Don't you EVER dare to appear like that, or else you're dead" said her eyes.
As they left the room (successfully), Aichi, even if he was scared, he sat on his bed once again, and began to speak at his glowing card.
- Card-kun, you... The card shot a purple beam towards the sky, destroying most of Aichi's room's. The guys entered the room because of the burst that scared them to death. Then, they saw the card shooting that dark energy.
- AICHI, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING- screamed Kourin.
- AICHI, GET OUTTA THERE, NOW- said Kai.
- WHO ON EARTH IS PLAYING MUSIC BACKGROUNDS- realized Emi.
Then, a man, about 19-21, with a cool black western-like outfit and hat, came out from the beam, as the card stopped to shoot that energy. He was too weak and dizzy to be on foot, and he fell deadweight. The room was reconstructed from scratch. The 4 kids were wondering what the hell happened, and WHAT were they gonna do about the guy lying on the ground.
Aichi had a thought; he could be the Card's Spirit. He was a little scared of what would happen to him if he uses PsyQualia, so he tried to wake him off.
- Aichi, are you an idiot? Stay away from him!- said Kourin lowly enough to not wake the guy.
- I'll be fine, Kourin-san; just stay away
- YOU STAY AWAY- yelled Kourin.
Wait, did she just-
In a blink, the man in black was aiming a gun at Aichi's head. Blueberry saw his eyes; and began to tear in fear. Emi, Kai and Kourin feared for Aichi's life, as the guy had his finger on the trigger.
- I will only ask this once. Who among you... did summon me?- said the man, in a calm mood.
- I-I-I summoned y-you. P-please, for-forgive u-us...- Aichi was trembling in fear. The grim look, those sharp eyes that seemed so full of hatred and evilness, and the gun pointing at his left eye was too much for him. But then, abruptly, he took of his hat off, and sat on the bed, really pissed off, as he scratched his head with the gun's cannon. Staring at Aichi, he said:
- So you were the asshole who was saying all kind of homo shit to me for 3 WEEKS now? Man, you're goddamn annoying. Say, do you ever shut up? Geez, kid. All you had to do was to cast me, although not like that nerd who tried to look all epic and cool and stuff. Do that and I'll punch you in the face.
- Huh?- said the quartet, surprised by the change of mood all of a sudden.
After everyone calmed down, and the ex-Unit regained full conscience, the room was filled with wonderings about what just happened.
- H-Hey, I have a question- said Emi.
- Talk- the gunslinger didn't even saw her.
- THE HECK WE'RE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU DID ALL THAT STUFF- Emi yelled at him.
- Oh, the beam stuff... I thought it was going to be fun- said the guy as he gave a warm smile to everyone.
- ARE YOU NUTS- Kourin just wanted to kill him.
- A bit, yes. Next question- answered the gunslinger.
- Ah... first of all, I want to thank you for rebuilding my friend's room. But also, I think you're a demon, and I'd want you to leave our world before you break the balance.
- I'm not a demon; it was my hatred for all the homo things the bluenette said to me. I mean, it was cute and felt nice and all that shit, but after 3 weeks... not anymore. Also, he fainted. Indeed, Aichi was lying on the ground. Emi began to slap him in order to awake him up.
- So, uh... you're not burning Earth to the core nor raping virgins, right?- said Kourin.
- What kind of twisted freak would ever think about doing that on a new planet?
- New planet...?- Kai was confused
- Ah, he must be from Cray!- said Emi, yet slapping Aichi.
- Well, he was a card about 10 minutes ago. It makes sense- explained Kourin.
- So, you know about Cray. Well, I supposed by your haircuts, and the fainted bluenette who screamed like a bitch, that you play Vanguard, right?
"Such crap hints..." thought everyone.
- Well, since the three months I've been on Earth, none of my owners could break the card's seal; so I kinda owe the fainted kid a big one, and also to you guys. Thanks. Also, sorry for scaring you.
- Do it again and I'll slice your throat and club you to death- Emi smiled at him. Everyone stared at her, scared of her having such thoughts. For a moment or two, the man with the gun saw the eyes of a killer in her.
Then, Aichi woke up. And sniffed a strange smell in the air.
- Uh... something's burning?-
- TODAY'S LUNCH- Emi gasped, rushing outside the room.
Kourin and Kai followed her, just in case there's a fire.
So then, this new guy and Aichi are all alone, huh?
- L-looks like... like w-we are all alone, h-huh?- Blueberry was nervous, the strange 20 years old guy was staring at him with sweet eyes, like an older brother, or something else...?
- Uh, what if we, like, introduce to each other?- the young adult clapped his hands happily
- Oh... uhhm... s-sounds cool- Everyone, it's better if we forget about whatever Aichi was thinking before the card suggested a mutual introduction.
- Ok, then. But first, let's go downstairs and help the others prevent this house become a giant bonfire- said the man as he petted Aichi's head a little.
- Y-YES- the bluenette happily said. And both of them rushed to the kitchen.
[From downstairs]
Emi: (freaked out) FORGET LUNCH, THE ENTIRE OVEN IS ON FIRE
Kai: (laughing) I'LL BRING SOME WATER
Emi: BATHROOM IS NEXT DOOR, HURRY
Kourin: I feel kinda dizzy (falls to the ground)
Aichi: (as he and the card-guy enter the room) KOURIN-SAN
Card-kun: (laughing) OPEN THE DOORS AND WINDOWS, THERE'S TOO MUCH SMOKE
Kai: (throws water eyes closed and accidentally on Aichi) Aichi, I'm sorry!
Aichi: Owww, now I'm all wet, Kai-kun!
Emi: (bitch-slaps Kai) YOU ASSHOLE, GO BRING MORE WATER
Card-kun: (laughing) Ok, I'll help you, let's go!
"A new member, Card-kun, has joined the party"
End of chapter 1
This… is the SHITTIEST thing I've ever written; EVER. I sincerely apologize for the cheap comedy and over-use of references. I'll leave it here as a memento of how much I can suck at something.
SEE YA! *shame smoke bomb*