Authors Notes:
Not exactly sure what happened but something went wrong in the original upload of this and I ended up uploading the wrong chapter last night. All fixed now though. Enjoy.
6th June 2020
His eyes flickered open and he found himself looking around the sparse hotel room. His back was covered with sweat and his heart was pounding. Side effects from the nightmare he had just had. He had been there again, sat huddled up staring straight into the eyes of the giant beast.
Only this time it was not like it had been in reality. He had screamed at it to move, pleaded with it as he heard the explosions and screams all around him. Yet just as it was in every nightmare like this and just as it was back then nothing had happened. He was useless and powerless to help. All he could do was listen and scream until it would move of its own volition.
Only when it moved of its own volition could he then climb inside of the entry plug. He would feel the LCL fill up the plug as it sank into its position and provide the connection between him and the soul residing inside the Eva. It was when start to rise upwards, a set of light based wings protruding from the back carrying him out of NERV. Finally he would see her, or at least the remnants of her.
This was just one of a variation of nightmares that had followed him ever since the Third Impact. Sometimes it could be that one giving him a blunt reminder of how he had failed to help her on that day.
On occasion it could be him alone with her in the hospital room all over again. Only in this nightmare she'd wake up and she'd taunt him. She'd fix her gaze upon him and demand he continued to do it. This one was a reminder of how he had degraded and used her body on that day.
There was a dream about Kaworu and the circumstances that had led to Kaworu's death. He would try desperately to prevent it, begging with Kaworu throughout and telling him he didn't have to do it. Only Kaworu told him each and every time that he had to die, just as he had told him back then. Kaworu had to die, the last of the Angel's had to die so that humanity could go on living.
There were even dreams about the others, about Touji, Misato or even his father. He had not had a good nights sleep in over four years. Every night when he closed his eyes he knew he'd likely wake up trembling and covered in sweat, reminded of his past failures.
He had hoped that the jet-leg and exhaustion from the flight might have let to him not having any dreams but it was unfortunately not to be.
'I'm really fucked up.'
Slowly he sat up and checked the time on the small alarm clock on his bedside table. He noted that it had just turned seven here which meant that back in Japan it would now be two in the afternoon. He reached across for his mobile phone and apprehensively switched the device on.
It had been switched off since he had begin his journey to Germany. Just before leaving the apartment he had made the decision to switch it off. Since he had arrived in Germany and all the way to and falling asleep in his hotel room had had made sure to keep it switched off. He dared not think about what might be waiting for him on the device as of now.
She would likely have been the first to notice that he had gone. How could she not have noticed? After all she was the one who saw him first in the mornings. She would probably have thought something was off when she emerged from her room to not see him stood there making breakfast. She would probably have checked on him in his room and started to panic when finding out he wasn't there.
The others probably wouldn't have noticed his absence yet. It was normal for him to not have contact with them for a day or two. They didn't necessarily understand his need to keep distant but they at least respected it.
They would most likely not know that he had gone missing though. It was unlikely for her to have told them unless she knew the situation was serious. If he knew how things operated there like he thought he did then she would probably know where he was by now and the severity of it.
He had to admit that he felt incredibly bad for doing what he had done in this manner. In fact he felt awful because in truth it wasn't that they wouldn't understand why he was doing it but the fact that they'd understand was a reason why he couldn't tell them. He loved each and every one of them but if they knew he had been planning to come to Germany then they would have all tried to interfere and interject with their own ideas and opinions. They would have gave him warnings and advice and they would just end up worrying about him. He didn't want that sort of hassle.
Finally the phone sprang to life and after a bit of time the messages finally started to trickle through to him. First up were messages from Kensuke and Touji, each one wishing him a happy birthday. This was followed by a message from Hikari and afterwards messages from Aoba, Maya and Hyuga all wishing him a happy birthday.
He felt his heartrate increase in his chest as finally his finger hovered over the messages from Misato. He felt himself smile nervously to reveal the first message which consisted of just three words.
'Where are you?'
He scrolled through the list of messages and sighed as he got to the last one. It was just as he had expected they were tracking him. He read through the message.
'GERMANY!? You're in Germany? What the hell are you doing in Germany? Is it her? It is isn't it? Shinji why didn't you tell us you were thinking of doing this? We could have helped you! Look just be careful there alright, and get in touch as soon as possible. I love you x – Misato'
He closed the inbox and finally climbed out of the bed. He would contact Misato just as soon as he was done getting ready. He would explain to her why he had to do this alone and why she couldn't help him. With that thought he stood up fully and stared at himself in the mirror.
He would need to shave first. What was on his face would be barely noticeable to anyone but him but there were trace amounts of stubble beginning to form. It had to go, any facial hair had to go immediately. It was just a reminder of his father and Shinji went to great lengths to ensure he did not have to be reminded of that man.
He made his way over to his suitcase and pulled out one of the freshly packed shirts. Just as he started to put it on he heard his phone vibrate. Curiously he picked it up but then smiled as he read the text.
'Happy Birthday Herr Ikari. I hope you had a pleasant journey. I will be in touch later with the destination for you. Please enjoy your stay in Berlin. :)'
XXX
It had just gone eight by the time Shinji had finished doing everything he needed to do. He had been in the shower, unpacked the few clothes he had brought with him for this journey. He had shaved and managed to cut himself and ordered a small breakfast from the hotels room service.
Now was one of the tasks he was not looking forward to performing. He would be unable to put it off any longer though, she had to be contacted. He tentatively picked up his phone from the side table, no more messages had come through. He scrolled down to Misato's number and waited for the woman on the other end to pick up.
She must have been right next to her phone because she picked up almost immediately.
"SHINJI!"
Shinji held the phone away from him for a moment, almost being deafened by Misato's yelling.
"H-Hey Misato…" He responded, his tone matching that of a child who knows they have done something wrong.
There was a very brief pause on the line as he wondered just what his guardian might have to say next. It was hard to tell with Misato just how she would react.
"Don't you dare 'Hey Misato' me! Do you have any idea just how worried I've been about you?"
"I know…"
"No you don't Shinji! I almost had Section 2 search the entire city for you! You can't just up and leave without giving any of us any warning Shinji! I thought you had been kidnapped or killed! I know… look… we both know that there are people out there who know who you are and might try something…"
Shinji simply hung his head apologetically. He had in fact not considered that when he had made these plans.
"I'm- I'm sorry Misato. I did want to tell you what I was planning but I had… I had certain reasons to not tell you…"
"Oh like what?" She snapped back at him, to Shinji it sounds like she didn't quite believe what he had said.
Shinji sighed, he had rehearsed this dialogue in his head a number of times but reality was proving more difficult, "I thought you or the others might have tried to put me off of doing it. I thought it I didn't tell anyone then it'd be easier for me to get on that plane and not doubt myself or run away."
"You idiot! You know fine well we wouldn't have tried to put you off! Shinji if this is something you wanted to do and something you felt you had to do then you know you would have had full support from me and anyone else. We all want you to be happy Shinji, god knows you of all people deserve it."
He kept his head down, "I… I'm sorry. I haven't caused you any trouble have I?"
"Oh none at all!" She replied sarcastically, "You know except for the huge amount of worrying I've been doing since yesterday. Luckily the report from Section 2 came through pretty quickly that you had been to the airport and were boarding a flight to Germany. So I didn't end up having to mobilize them and send them out looking for you!"
"S-Sorry…"
Finally there was a sigh of relief from her end, "Yeah well, you're going to have to do a lot better than sorry when you get back. I expect a good present from there."
He laughed, "I'll get you something… I promise."
"Whatever, I know you will. Look just be careful Shinji. I know why you're there and… even though it's been four years since I last saw her too I don't want either of you to be hurt."
"Yeah I know Misato. She might not even want to see me, like you said it's been four years. She might hate me and even if she did I wouldn't blame her but… I have to see her again. I have to try."
There was a lengthy pause from the other end of the phone, "It isn't going to be easy Shinji. Asuka went through a hell of a lot while she was with us. We… well I failed her when she was here. I knew all about her past and what sort of person she was and I completely failed her. She tried to reach out to me and I just blanked her on it. I gave up on her when I shouldn't have done and well things just went downhill rapidly."
"No. It wasn't your fault Misato. We were all… and besides I…"
Misato quickly interrupted him, "No stop it Shinji. You were a much younger person, you didn't know what was happening and you didn't understand it. It was us adults that failed you two. Whatever mistakes you've made you've already paid for several times over by now haven't you?"
Even though Misato couldn't see him Shinji nodded, "Yeah… I guess…"
"That isn't what's important though. Dwelling in the past like this isn't going to get us anywhere. I want to help you in whatever way I can Shinji. I know there isn't much I can do but I will try."
Shinji smiled, "Thank you Misato."
"But look Shinji, how do you expect to find her? Berlin is a big city and how do you even know she is there? I mean her father completely severed ties with us four years ago."
Shinji felt his smile grow wider, this was one of the other reasons he couldn't be completely honest about his plans.
"Don't worry about that, I've been having a little bit of help from someone here."
"Oh really! Who?" Misato asked, he tone inquisitive.
"I can't say unfortunately but they contacted me a short while ago. They told me Asuka was in Berlin and wanted to help me in setting this up as a surprise."
"And you trusted them? Shinji that could have been anyone?" Misato exclaimed.
"It isn't like that. They provided me with proof, a lot of proof that it wasn't anything dangerous. I was reluctant at first. Me just turning up in Berlin and seeing her like this, it felt… creepy and weird but because of who it was… I couldn't not do it."
There was a sigh from the other end, "More secrets. Shinji… are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Yes! I'm absolutely certain Misato. I know what it sounds like and I know just what keeping secrets has done to us all in the past but it was really important that I kept this secret. You'll understand when you learn about it all okay."
"Fine, I understand Shinji. I trust you on this."
"You do? You're not mad that I didn't ask for your help or tell you?"
She paused for a moment, "In all honesty I'm mad that you did this without telling me and that you disappeared in the way you did but I do understand it. You have to find your own answers Shinji. It's like I told you once before, go forward and find things out for yourself. Just know that if you do need anything, we're here for you."
"Thank you Misato."
"I suppose however that I'll just have to split your Birthday cake between me and PenPen then."
Shinji reeled back in shock, "Y-You got me a cake?"
There was a laugh from Misato, "Of course I got you a cake! It's your birthday Shinji. Don't worry though, we might save you a piece for when you return. Hell I'll save you two pieces just in case things go really well with Asuka."
He was doubtful Misato would have to do that but appreciated it nonetheless, "Thank you Misato. I have to go now but I'll let you know how everything goes."
"Sure thing Shinji, good luck!"
Shinji hung up the phone and let out a sigh of relief. That didn't end up being as difficult as he had expected it to be. Misato had understood the reason for him being here and didn't seem to be too worried about why he had to keep it secret. Nor did she seem too angry about him disappearing like he had done. Still, there was always the possibility that she was just holding back until he returned.
Going forward he knew that things were not going to be quite as easy. His contact had helped set up this trip to Germany as well as setting up the hotel. They would also be providing him with the meeting place but this was all simple. Shinji was going to have to meet with Asuka and he didn't know anything about her anymore. It had been four years since they had last seen one another. All he knew of her now was that she was alive and she was safe.
All he had of her for now though was the memory of what had happened on the day they had returned. He had woken up before her on that day and had left the area to find supplies. He had not been gone for very long but the time he had returned to that little spot on the beach she had gone.
January 2nd 2016 – One day after Third Impact
Shinji felt the weight of the backpack over his shoulders as he finally approached the beach. He hoped he hadn't been gone too long but there was no frame of reference for him, he didn't have a watch nor did he have his phone any longer. The only possession he had anymore was his SDAT which he had left with Asuka.
Shinji had no idea what was going to happen going forward. He had no idea if he and Asuka were the only people in the entire world to have returned yet. He wondered if there could be others around the world waking up confused just like they had.
Shinji also had no idea what to expect when Asuka woke up. Everything that had just happened was so overwhelming at this point that he had developed a strange numbness to it all. His only emotions since returning had been when Asuka had reached up and caressed him.
He still couldn't process why he had done what he had done. What had possessed him to mount her like that and put his hands around her throat?
He had been alone for a few hours by then and she had appeared. All at once a surge of emotions had welled up within in. Here was the girl he had loved, that he had betrayed and abandoned. He could see the bandages on her body and her eye open staring straight up into the sky.
He hadn't believed she was really there. He thought that it was some cruel trick of hallucination being played on him. That the Asuka lying there was something or someone else sent to torture him further. He hadn't thought it was real.
'I was... I was choking her... if she hadn't have done that would I have...'
He stopped his train of thought right there. It would do him no good to think about that right now. All that mattered now was survival. He would suppress those emotions until a later time. He had returned, he had cried and not he had to keep himself and Asuka alive.
He continued his approach to the campsite and felt a tension within his stomach as he looked around the area. Asuka was nowhere to be seen but in her place were a number of small crates each bearing the logo of the UN.
"A-Asuka?" He called out but there was no reply.
He ran into the small area marked by the crates and dumped his backpack down onto the ground. He started frantically looking around for any trace of her but she was no longer here. As he searched he could see several sets of footprints leading away from the area. At a glance he could see the footprints were too big to be hers.
'W-Where is she? What's happened?'
He followed the sets of footprints managing to count at least three sets in the sand. Finally he came to where they stopped onto to see they had been replaced by tire tracks.
His vision started to blur almost instantly from the tears forming in his eyes as he dejectedly turned around and walked slowly back to the crates that had been left behind. Someone had been here and they must have taken Asuka while he was gone. There was nothing he could do about it either. If they had a vehicle they could have been long gone by now.
'I-I should have stayed with her... she's... she's gone now and... I don't know where...'
He glanced around at the crates and observed a small note attached to one of them. With trambling hands he snatched it and started to read through it.
'To Shinji Ikari,
I hope this finds you well. My name is Doctor Karolin Hoffman, I am a doctor currently with a United Nations rescue team. I hope you are not too alarmed by what has occurred. We were alerted to what happened in Tokyo-3 and were sent in to find and rescue any survivors.
On arrival we encountered your comrade Asuka Langley Soryu and we are transporting her to a medical facility where she will be looked over before being transported back to her native Germany. We also have a team incoming to aid with yourself and any other survivors that might appear in that time frame. Please make use of the supply crates we have left behind in the meantime.
At this time we ask that you do not move from this area or search for us. Rest assured that Asuka is safe and help will arrive soon.
Thank you.'
He dropped the note and staggered backwards and slowly turned around spotting a single bandage lying on the ground. He dropped to his knees and picked it up. He turned it over in his hand before bringing it up to his face. He sniffed trying to suppress the sobs coming out of him but it was no use. All at once it started to come out, his wailing and sobbing the only sound on that desolate beach.