THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO AT HOGWARTS - Number 3: Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra-curricular project for Herbology

HDHDHD

"Come on Nev! You're the best in our year at Herbology! Hell, you're probably the best in our school! Even smarter than," Harry lowered his voice conspiratorially, "Hermione."

Neville Longbottom stood up straighter, a blush and small pleased smile spreading across his face. "Do you really think so?"

"Absolutely!" Harry stated firmly. "If anyone can do it, you can!"

Hermione ignored the subtle dig on her intelligence and eyed the baggie of leaves in Neville's hand suspiciously. "And why, Harry, if this is so important to you, can you not simply ask Professor Sprout to allow you room in the green house to grow them?"

Harry's face fell; a sad smile appearing on his face as he gently ran his finger over one of the leaves. "It's just… I got them from my cousin Dudley. He's… enjoyed… the effects of this plant for years. I just wanted to try it once." He sighed softly. "To experience one of the things my family has denied me over the years."

Hermione softened immediately. "Still," she said, turning to frown at the room behind her, "why does it have to be down there?"

Ron laughed. "Hermione, you make it sound like some terrible place." Everyone turned to stare at him incredulously. "Ok, so it's not exactly summertime at the Burrow, but we're going to be in a group. And, you know, Harry did kill the thing all those years ago. It's not like we're going to be eaten or anything." Despite his words, Ron turned a suddenly nervous eye towards the bathroom door.

Seamus shifted the bags filled with pots and soil from one arm to the other. "Well, I for one and looking forwards to getting h… err, trying out Harry's Muggle herbs." He winked at Harry. "Plus, I've always wanted to see the Chamber of Secrets with an altered perspective."

Hermione frowned again, looking from Seamus to the baggie of leaves in rising suspicion. "Altered persp…" A sharp voice cut her off.

"Lovely, Potter. How convenient you neglected to mention we would be slumming with Gryffindorks this afternoon." The group of friends turned to see Draco Malfoy striding towards them, closely followed by Blaise Zabini, Pansy Parkinson, and Theodore Nott.

Ron turned a brilliant shade of red. "What," he ground out between clenched teeth, "is he doing here?"

'I invited him," Harry said happily; motioning the Slytherins closer. "And technically it's them, not he."

Dean Thomas eyed the new arrivals, shifting the bags of munchies nervously. "Harry, you sure this is such a good idea?"

"Absolutely!" Harry beamed. "They're our alibi in case something goes wrong."

Ron eeped, shifting closer to Seamus and a tad further away from the door. "Harry," he began anxiously. "You don't think something is going to go wrong do you?"

"Of course not, Ron," Harry soothed, inching slightly closer to Draco. "It's just, you know, if this doesn't work we can say we were working on an extra-curricular project for Herbology, or promoting school unity, or make up something nauseatingly sweet that Dumbledore will buy with limited suspicion."

Draco gave Harry an appraising look. "I like the way you think, Potter." His eyed the baggie in Neville's hand. "What kind of leaves are those again?"

"Cannabis," Harry answered promptly, hooking one arm around Draco's waist, the other around Neville's bicep, and steering the reluctant trio into the bathroom. He went directly to the correct sink and hissed out the password, enjoying the flare of satisfaction when the tunnel opened up. He turned to the wary, nervous, excited, and conflicted group of students behind him. "Let's go then," he grinned, jumping in. Draco swore as Harry's arm, still attached around his waist, dragged him through the tunnel as well. One by one the other students followed. Harry waited at the bottom of the tunnel with a sulking Draco until all the students were through, before hissing out a sentence and hearing the answering rumble as the tunnel above them closed up.

"Harry?" Ron questioned, staring through the tunnel where the shaft of light grew smaller and smaller. "Do you really think it was a good idea to close the entrance?"

"Yes," Harry answered. "Wouldn't want to be interrupted. Let's go!"

Neville whimpered slightly at the size of the faintly glowing green snake skin they passed. Harry ignored it, proceeding on till he had opened the main entrance and climbed down into the familiar snake-lined room. Theodore Nott looked around in awe. "Slytherins secret room," he breathed out. "Harry, even if your little experiment doesn't work, it was worth coming along just to see… Merlin's balls!"

Harry looked over from where Seamus, Dean, and Neville were helping him sort out supplies. "Oh, yeah, forgot that was there."

Pansy gazed at the Basilisk in horror. "How could you forget about this?"

He shrugged. "Well, since then I have gone up against a hundred Dementors, been forced to participate in a dark blood ritual before running for my life after spending several minutes being tortured, and watched my Godfather die right before my eyes." He shrugged again. "Kind of puts a different spin on events that happened, ya know? Ready Nev?"

Neville jumped, tearing his attention away from Harry with difficulty, before nodding and carefully separating the two different elements in the baggies. Carefully, he nourished the soil, planted the leaves, watered them, and chanted the incantation to make them grow. Everyone gathered around to watch curiously.

Seamus let out a whoop, reaching across to hug Harry excitedly as the plants grew and developed right before their eyes. "It worked! I can't believe it worked!"

"What unusual leaves," Hermione commented, leaning in to gently stroke on of them. "They look so familiar, but I just can't place it…" She sighed, glancing over at the other plant before turning to Harry looking perplexed. "Mushrooms? Why did you want to grow mushrooms?"

Dean grinned, holding up a frying pan and a couple of eggs. "I'm in the mood for omelets!"

Two hours later, the cavern was pleasantly smoky; the group of students feeling melancholic and giggly. "Man," Ron commented, shoveling another forkful of eggs into his mouth, "these were the best omelet's I ever had. I mean, ever. You know?" He glanced down at where Seamus was using his lap as a pillow.

"I know, brother, I know." Seamus brought the joint to his lips, inhaling deeply, before passing the roach over to Harry. "Today is just one of those days where it's great to be alive."

Harry laughed as Draco demonstrated his ability to inhale without choking. "Draco, your eyes are so gray."

"Yes," Draco nodded solemnly, "I know."

"No." Harry leaned closer, until their faces were mere inches apart. "I mean your eyes are gray. Like gray gray. It's intense."

"I hate my boobs," Hermione confided in a loud whisper. She cupped her breasts, lifting them up before watching them fall down. She turned mournful brown eyes to Neville. "I just know they're going to be all saggy and wonky when I get older. No one will ever love me." She sniffed.

"I like your boobs, Hermione," Neville stated loyally. "I like them a lot."

"Really?" Hermione beamed at him. "Did you know," she whispered loudly, "that when I was younger I wanted to be a super model?"

"What's that?"

"It's where you put on different outfits and walk around so people can see them and stuff."

Pansy nodded knowingly. "That could be fun."

Hermione brightened. "You wanna model with me?" Pansy nodded, struggling to her feet. Hermione tripped standing up and crashed into Neville. "Oops," she giggled again. "Sorry." Finally making it to her feet, she began stripping down to her bra and knickers.

"I should spend more time in the library," Blaise mused out loud.

"This cavern," Theodore Nott spread his arms wide from where he was sitting on the floor leaning against the slowly decomposing Basilisk. "This cavern," he repeated, "is like the world. It's like… we're small, and the snakes are big. And we need to be careful or they'll eat us. In our sleep."

Dean looked up from where he was drawing a picture of Nott a la Salvador Dali. "Whoa, man. That's deep."

"Yes," Ted nodded sagely. "It is."

"Like the snakes are keeping us in line," Dean mused, adding a few squiggles to where Nott's face was supposed to be. "But the cavern is bigger than us all."

From across the room Seamus pumped his fist in the air and shouted, "Damn the man!"

Dean flashed him the peace sign, settling back down with his sketch pad. "The world is a vampire," he sang under his breath, "sent to drain…"

Theodore Nott looked at the Gryffindor in shock, taking a deep breath from the fag clamped between his lips. "Dean, my man," he breathed. "I think you are the only person in the world – you hear me, the world – who understands me." His eyes filled up with tears as he reached out and draped an arm around Dean, dragging him closer to his side and to the side of the dead Basilisk. "I love you, man."

Dean cracked up laughing. "But you're still not getting my Bud Light!" he quipped.

Nott looked confused. "Huh?"

"Nothing."

"Your eyes are very green, Potter." Draco gazed in fascination at the face that was still mere inches from his own. "Like green pools flecked with… green." He frowned. "Oh my God I sound like a Gryffindor." Harry smiled.

Pansy came floating by wearing Hermione's bra and Seamus' tie. "I am going to be a model, Draco," she announced happily; settling one hand on her hip and jutting her other out in what she probably presumed was a Vogue-esque pose but made her look more like a little girl playing 'I'm A Little Teapot.'

"Good for you, Pansy!" Harry roared, pumping his fist into the air encouragingly.

The blonde beamed a smile. "And I am going to make loads of pounds and… what else am I going to demand, Mudblood?"

"Doritos," Hermione supplied; waltzing over wearing Neville's shirt half unbuttoned and Blaise's boxers. She slung a companionable arm around Pansy, jutted her hips, and pouted beguilingly as though posing for an imaginary picture. "Doritos are love. We must demand lots and lots of them."

"Right," Pansy nodded seriously.

"Harry," Draco said slowly. "Are Nott and your artist friend making out with the basilisk?"

Slightly hazy green eyes glanced over and observed the duo cuddled together. "Nope," he said firmly, "they're sleeping."

"Oh thank Morgana," Draco breathed out, sagging against Harry's side in relief. "I thought I was going to have to give the bestiality lecture again. Shagging dead pets is just so not on!"

Seamus laughed, one hand idly playing with a lock of Ron's red hair. "You're a kinky little bugger, aren't you Malfoy?"

Draco sniffed. "Of course not. I am a pureblood!" He yawned, cuddling up closer to Harry.

Harry waved in the general direction of Ted and Dean. "We should take a nap," he mumbled; slouching further down the wall and closing his eyes.

"I don't want to take a nap," Neville whined. "I want to dance."

"I'll dance with you Nev!" Hermione grinned, walking back towards him, now sporting Nott's robe with Dean's tie in her hair like a headband.

Pansy giggled from where she had sandwiched herself between Seamus and Ron. "We should probably deny this night ever happened," she sleepily mumbled against Ron's neck.

Blaise nodded, stretching out on the floor and absently wondering where Hermione had ditched his boxers. "Yep," he agreed. "Especially once Draco wakes up and realizes he's humping Potter in his sleep."

Hermione laughed as Neville whirled her round and round in slightly clumsy circles. "This was such a great day!"

Neville nodded, watching her spinning body with rapt attention. "I really do like your breasts," he assured her earnestly.