Breaking

CHAPTER TWO

Cornered

. . . . .

"Something's up with Kensi."

Sam didn't acknowledge Deeks' words as he drove towards their crime scene. Chances were the forensic team and the coroner would have already been through it by the time they arrived, but it was always good to get a feel for the place. It was easier to put themselves in the killer's shoes, experience what the killer did. And that got them a step closer to catching the guy.

"But seriously," Deeks continued, glancing over at Sam. "What is it? I mean, usually it's you and Callen coming out to do this."

"You complaining about being let out, Deeks?" Sam replied, probably a little harsher than he needed to. But Deeks rubbed him the wrong way, even if he had proven himself, and the last thing he wanted was for the LAPD detective to go hound Kensi. She was their girl, she was their teammate and they protected their own.

But Sam wasn't blind, nor was he completely stupid. He'd noticed Kensi over the last couple of weeks, identified the bags under her eyes that even her skilful touch couldn't hide. He'd seen her hide black eyes and dark bruises for a date with no problem but these… there was no disguising the sallow pallor and the far-away look. It looked like Kensi was being haunted. It always happened, every year like clockwork since he'd met her, and a drunken night during one of those times had led to her blurting out her father's death. He could understand that, the same way he could see it as the driving force behind her passion for what she did.

But that didn't make it easy. In fact, it often made it harder, and he could tell that there was something totally different about this time. Kensi was breaking before them, and while the notion scared Sam, he could only imagine what it was doing to Callen.

He'd been partners with Callen for over three years. He knew the man inside and out. So he knew that while Callen was the 'fix it' kind of guy, the hero complex that needed to save the damsel in distress, Kensi was no damsel. But Callen watched Kensi differently, paid a different kind of attention to her. And it wasn't the bad kind of attention, the one that demanded she prove herself and her ability to stay in the field. Kensi had their backs, there was no doubt in Callen's mind, Sam was sure, and there was absolute no doubt in his own.

"Of course I'm not complaining about going to a crime scene," Deeks said, breaking into his thoughts. "I'm just wondering if there's trouble in paradise."

Sam wanted to smirk. The guy, admittedly, had a sharp mouth on him, and he liked Deeks more than he let on. He was irritating, and a crappy liaison, but he'd proven himself in battle and he'd proven he could protect his team. That was enough for Sam, despite Deeks' penchant for playing the lone wolf. "We switch it up every once in a while. Keeps things interesting."

It was a lie, but Sam was too well versed in that particular skill for Deeks to catch it. This was another one of those annual things. Callen kept Kensi close for a couple of weeks until she levelled out, then it was back to business as usual. They'd been a team for a long time, long enough to work seamlessly and long enough to communicate through looks rather than words, and Sam didn't feel shafted by Callen's choice to routinely pair Kensi with him. So long as Callen and Kensi had back up they could count on, Sam didn't care what the partner scheme was.

Okay, he glanced at Deeks, that wasn't completely true. How had Kensi put up with him?

"It's top secret isn't it?" Deeks prodded. "She was on some sort of deep cover op that no one talks about."

Sam shot him an arched eyebrow.

"No?" the blond replied. "Okay, um… A case gone bad then. Drug deal? Terrorist attack."

Still, Sam kept silent. It wasn't his place to confirm or deny what Deeks thought – was - seeing. Kensi would tell him if she wanted to. For now, Sam knew she was safe in Callen's hands and almost smiled to himself. They were good together, when they let themselves just be, and he'd seen it a few times. He and Callen made an excellent team, there was no doubt about that, but Kensi completed their little unit.

They were family and while Deeks had proven himself in the field, Sam didn't feel like he'd proven himself worthy of any of their personal information.

And Kensi's yearly bout was too private, too personal, to use as a test.

Plus, if Deeks said a word about it to her, she'd probably shoot the liaison, then turn her gun on Sam. She was his sister, but she didn't hold back with him either.

"Huh. Okay," Deeks spoke when Sam's silence seemed to press in on him. "I get it. It's one of those team things, don't ask, don't tell."

That was something Sam was willing to acknowledge and he did, with a solemn stare as he pulled up to the hotel and the crime scene tape. "Yeah. So let's not talk about it."

"Uh, okay."

Sam faced him head on with a nasty gaze just before sliding under the tape. "Don't talk about it. Hear me?"

Deeks paused, taking in the larger man. "Yeah," he replied, knowing when to fold. "I hear you."

Sam nodded once. "Good. Now can we focus on the dead woman?"

And like that, the subject was closed.

Though Callen looked to all the world like he was concentrating on the case file in front of him, Kensi knew better. She knew him better. He was watching her and trying to do it covertly.

"I think Hetty should send you on another undercover refresher," she said, flipping through the file. With Eric doing work in the ops room, both he and Kensi had opted for their desks and paper versions of the files. Eric had a tendency to mumble to himself while he worked.

"Maybe I just like watching you."

Kensi glanced up with a guffaw, meeting his very blue eyes with a raised eyebrow. Callen's eyes sparkled back at her, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. She rolled her eyes, going back to her file. She'd read three and they were all the same. They were all redheads, all average height and weight with exemplary records with nothing outstanding. As she closed the file and moved on, she shook her head. "You're watching me."

Then he did the unexpected.

He dropped his feet from where they were propped on his desk, simultaneously closing his file. He leaned towards her, propping his elbows on his knees. "Do I have reason to?"

"Watch me?" Kensi asked, just a shade south of indignant.

If Callen had been the type to show his concerned exasperation, he would have. Instead, he held his gaze steady on hers. "You tell me."

Kensi merely folded her arms over her chest, then unfolded them when Nate's voice floated through her head about defensive postures. "Why would you need to?"

Callen noticed her shifting in her seat, but kept staring at her. He knew, she had to know that. She didn't have to lie to him, didn't have to hide. Something was up with her, something big, something that went beyond just the time of year and something that was resulting in the lack of sleep and a makeup job that he could see through. And it wasn't nightmares. They all had nightmares and they all had coping mechanisms when the nightmares came. But Kensi hadn't been relying on her usual go-tos. Silence was not Kensi's forte, especially when she was having nightmares.

Finally, he relented. "Kens, talk to me."

"I'm fine," Kensi snapped, breaking the gaze and turning back to the files in front of her.

Callen wanted to push. He really wanted to push. But he also knew that pushing her was more likely to shut her down. It didn't mean that he wasn't frustrated.

"My father died when I was fifteen," she said, surprising him. "It was… next week."

He didn't say anything, but stopped reaching for his next file.

"That's all." Kensi didn't want to say any more. It was painful enough as it was without having to relive it and it definitely wasn't something she talked about. She knew Hetty knew, and she'd told Nate over her dad's harmonica, but Callen and Sam… They would ask questions. Or so she'd assumed.

And there was absolutely no way she was ever going to mention the panic attacks.

They were her own personal brand of hell. She couldn't stop them and they were her worst sign of weakness. She could vividly remember having one during her finals the year after her father died that had left her curled up on the floor of the bathroom after racing out of her classroom. Everyone had treated her like a crazy person about to snap. That had been her final straw and she'd found a psychologist. The only person she'd ever trusted with any substantial part of the story had been Nate. Heck, he was the only person since that psychologist that she'd let deep enough into her head to even glimpse things that deep.

She pushed herself away from her desk as her chest tightened. She was working herself up, she knew it, but she couldn't get out of it. She paced away from Callen. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't tell anyone. The best thing she could do for herself at this time of year was work and they'd bench her if she had the potential of freezing up for no apparent reason. And since Kensi had no idea about what triggered the panic attacks and couldn't anticipate them until she was in the throes of one, she never knew when and where it would hit.

Her breath came fast and harsh as she swung around the corner, sliding to the floor. The nice thing about the hacienda they now called ops was that it was utterly filled with nooks and crannies. She closed her eyes, dropping her head to her knees.

She could fail them. That's what it came down to. She could get someone shot, she could be responsible for their kidnapping. She could lose it, and someone could end up dead. Her heart rate spiked and her stomach dropped as she considered the scenarios.

"Kens."

Her mind flashed to Dom, to the crime scene photos of her father's death, to Dom's funeral, then her father's all in rapid succession. It was coming again. She could feel it and nothing could change her focus.

"Kens."

There were hands on her shoulders, strong, urging her backwards. Her chest burned as she struggled to take in air, as sweat and tears mingled on her cheeks. She refused to open her eyes, to face him.

"Jesus, Kensi, breathe."

God, she hated that. She couldn't breathe, couldn't he see that? She couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking. She couldn't think. She couldn't do anything.

"Kensi, look at me."

It was the harsh order more than anything else that had her eyes flying open. Those blues met hers, strict and strong. With supreme effort, she battled the fear, the panic, to suck in a deep breath. She released it after three beats, then repeated the process.

Callen watched it all stoically. Her eyes were wild, her skin very pale and sweaty. Never in his time working with Kensi had he ever seen her like this. He counted her next inhale, hands moving to support himself on her knees. When her breathing was back to resembling normal, he touched her cheek to get her attention, asking the only logical question, "What do you need?"

Nothing. It was on the tip of her tongue, along with some shred of humour, some sort of deflection, but neither came. Her chest hurt, her head hurt, and her pride definitely hurt. "Tea."

She dropped her head back against the wall when he nodded and left, swearing at herself in every language she knew. She was done for. He was going to bench her, to tell her to take some time off, to talk to someone.

He offered her a mug when he returned and Kensi was surprised to note the teabag was decaf.

"You're still shaking," Callen offered in explanation, taking a seat beside her.

She blew out a breath, delicately setting down the tea. She'd have to wait until her hands were steady before drinking it. They sat in silence, Kensi refusing to even look at her companion.

Callen wasn't so patient. "Was it something I said?"

It was enough to startle a laugh out of her, a sound they both revelled in for a moment.

She knew she was backed into a proverbial corner. While Callen would respect her wishes if she told him she didn't want to talk about it, she knew that as her team leader and teammate, she owed him an explanation.

"I can't control them," she began slowly, tracing random patterns on her knee. "They're panic attacks. I can't focus on anything except the problem and I can't solve the problem unless I step away from it. Sometimes the problem's not even real."

To his credit, Callen kept quiet. It was obvious that this was difficult for her and if he wanted to know, if he wanted to be able to help her, he would have to keep his mouth shut until she finished.

"I don't get them anymore. Didn't, I guess," she continued. "Not really. There's… coping mechanisms and… ways to avoid it but…"

He waited. When she didn't say anymore he spoke. "They started a few weeks ago?"

Kensi laughed mirthlessly, banging her head gently against the wall. "That obvious?"

Callen reached out, squeezing her hand, then retracting his. "To those that know you?"

"Ha," she said, wiping a palm against her face. "So… I take it Sam knows too?"

"That this time of year is difficult," he replied, shifting the smallest bit until his shoulder rested against hers. She'd scared the crap out of him and though he didn't show it, he was certainly still feeling it. "Details are up to you."

Kensi blew out a breath. "Thanks Callen."

They stayed there for a few more minutes, until Kensi stopped shaking and sipped her tea. Then she blew out a breath, wrapping both hands around the ceramic. "I can still do my job," she said. She turned, meeting his gaze.

Callen, for his part, could see everything in her eyes. Her walls weren't back yet, she wasn't guarding anything. It was humbling and disconcerting; the former because Kensi was always guarded and the latter because the fear, trepidation and vulnerability was completely open to him. "Maybe you shouldn't."

Her eyes hardened and there was a brief glimpse of the pre-panic attack Kensi Blye. "Don't bench me."

"Don't want to," he replied with a deceptively nonchalant shrug. He looked at her. "Don't make me."

Kay, know when you start writing a chapter and it gets out of hand? Yeah, that's what happened. Kensi and Callen took on a life of their own. Having said that, I have absolutely no intention of leaving Kensi as solely a vulnerable damsel. She's not. It's why I love her.

Second, it's always fun to embed things. Lots of underlying stuff in this chapter that I had a blast writing.

Third. 30 reviews? Well, almost, but pretty much. Seriously? You guys are beyond awesome, especially for someone who just started writing for LA. The characters are more complicated in that we know stuff about them, but not enough. Just enough to make it frustrating to remember that they have pasts and they have things that have happened in the show. Yeesh. Point though, is that I love you guys and you guys are so great. It's nice to know that you guys are really enjoying this.

I shouldn't have worked on this, really. My CM one was up next, but then Kensi and Callen's scene came to me, and while I was doing that Sam and Deeks... How was I supposed to argue? That mixed with the amazing feedback? How could I resist?