23-April-2014

Today I was close to making a few bad deals when selling what I have left to dispose of, yet I managed to back down from each bad deal. But that still leaves me with things I need to sell and not enough money to afford a better house. But I guess that will come in time. I still have somewhere around four months until the baby is born, so there is enough time to get me settled. I just can't wait to actually be fully settled and then look for more business opportunities.

I talked to Tyrone today… at first he was reluctant to it, but he wanted to hear me out after all. Given all that we've been through, he felt like he owed me that much. I told him that me and Sakura broke up-… well; she broke up with me to be more precise. It wasn't like I didn't try to do it myself three times before, but each time just seeing her face I couldn't get the words that needed be said out of my mouth. I just couldn't bear losing her. Well, it seemed easier for her since it took her one attempt to do so.

Tyrone thought that I was on her and Ryan's side. I told him that never since I came back was I on their side, that's what tore us apart after all. She feared too much to be taken as a joke, to be stepped over, and thought that only trough power one can overcome those that try to step over you. I agreed to that, but it was different types of power we had in mind. I thought that trough the power of an opened mind and soul one can accomplish that, she thought it was trough the power of guns and influence, and who can do more damage to the opposite side.

I actually waited to see if he says it himself before expressing my opinion that Ryan poisoned Sakura's mind to a point where I couldn't help her anymore. And he did, Tyrone said it out loud with his own mouth. That gives me some peace of mind and another concern at the same time. At least now I know I was right, and it wasn't just me thinking that he influenced her in a very bad way, but he actually dug his nails so deep into her that it was too late to change something. But at the same time it brings me more guilt thinking that maybe if I would have intervened at the right time, maybe I could have showed her the errors of her ways. But would she have listened?

After hearing the story of how it went down from my own mouth, Tyrone stopped thinking that I abandoned him and our friendship for what it meant. He actually said that I should have let him kill Ryan when he had the chance. I know now that it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. Taking the seat of the killer yourself just to bring down the former tyrant is no improvement at all. But I do sometimes come to question it… would it really not have been much easier if we would have killed Ryan when we had the chance? Maybe Sakura would have understood what she was signing up for; maybe she would have opened her eyes. And not only that… all the contracts Ryan took out, all those people he killed, some of them along with Sakura. All the people he is going to kill in the future… I claim that human life is the most precious thing, and that no one has the right to take that, but what if another human life comes in the balance? What if ten do? Or one hundred for that matter...

I don't think it matters anymore. Not to me at least. Call me a coward, but I won't become a killer again, and I very well know that I could try to reason with that man for days in a row, he wouldn't change. I actually wondered if I am not the bad guy in all of this. Sakura told me he is supportive of her and cares for her. Maybe it wasn't just the fact that I decided to live a peaceful life, but the fact that I stopped seeming so caring and supportive. One thing I know, I always cared for her. God knows I still do… but how could I have been supportive if I knew she was on her way to killing the innocent girl I fell in love with all those years before?

I know there is few I can do now. I know there is not much sense in felling sorry for myself, or for her in the matter. One thought though is very persistent besides the feelings I have for her that still come haunting me. I managed to drive my thoughts away from that (without any alcohol surprisingly enough) while thinking about my only goal left in life, and that is taking care of my baby girl that will be born in four months. Tough even that comes with a bad thought. Just thinking about how my child grows inside of her, while Ryan, the one that poisoned her mind so much is having sex with her. I swear to God I try to avoid that thought as often as possible, but I can't deny that it absolutely makes me sick to the point where I find myself puking my guts out like I myself were pregnant.

One thing is for certain, although I couldn't save her, every day I find more and more signs of hope for others. Today I think I managed to make Tyrone share my way of thinking when it comes to all the violence and killings. He wants to think the same; I can see it in his eyes. I can sense it in his words that he's had enough, that he's had enough nights of guilt and enough blood on his hands. I know he wants it to end, I know he wants peace. And with God as my witness I will do my best to help him find it. It's a good sign. If two professional killers like us can find peace, then anyone can. I know very well that not everyone wants it tough.

Tyrone said we should start hanging out together again, all of us. Him, me, Olivia, Arthur, Nathaniel… I don't know that much about the rest, but last I heard Arthur was well on his way of starting a peaceful life as well. He thinks of starting up an Ammunation, which seems like a good business to me as long as he only sells legal items. Also I am currently helping him in his presidential campaign. But I will write more about that tomorrow, as I already feel exhausted today. I will be sleeping at Tyrone's place until I manage to buy a house. I really appreciated the gesture, not only that I don't have to sleep in my office, but there is someone to see in the morning that doesn't make me feel so alone.