Disclaimer: I still don't own them.
A/N: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! They made my day :) I hope you'll enjoy this part!
02 I'll Try To Love Again
Addison smiles as she walks towards the OR. She's having one of those days when the guilt is not too sharp and work keeps her mind off Mark, and those days are worth smiling for.
It's been a week since "The Incident", as Savvy calls it, and Addison still hasn't talked to Mark. She's thankful for Mark having his own practice – it makes avoiding him so much easier – and also for her phone's caller ID. She's not ready to talk to him yet. She knows it's unfair, because they're still friends, but she needs to keep avoiding him for now. At least until she convinces herself of the fact that Mark is just her friend.
Because he is. Just her friend.
And the thinking about him, the occasional dreams and the new feelings she's having... well, that's just her mind playing games on her. A self-defense mechanism to make herself believe she didn't cheat on Derek for nothing. But she knows it's not true. She's not in love with Mark. Because Addison Shepherd doesn't fall in love with her husband's best friend. And, until her mind goes back to normal and she stops thinking about him like that, she's going to keep avoiding him.
After a successful surgery, Addison walks briskly towards the cafeteria, where Savvy's waiting for her. They've been having lunch together for a month, ever since Derek left, and she knows Savvy's what keeps her sane. Because, right now, she's the only friend she has.
Derek's sisters are off limits now, what with her cheating on their brother and breaking his heart. She misses them – they were family – but she knows she doesn't have the right to expect them to be her friends now. Weiss has always been closer to Derek and, while he's still friendly towards her, she knows he can't really be her friend without breaking some ridiculous code of honor between male friends. And then there's Mark, but he's not really an option anymore.
So, Savvy is all she has.
She smiles when she sees her friend waiting at one of the tables in the cafeteria, and Savvy returns her smile when Addison sits down next to her. "How was your surgery?" Addison takes a sip of Savvy's coffee before replying. "Healthy baby boy, six pounds four ounces and nursing like a pro. The mom is happy and recovering perfectly. How was your hearing?" Savvy smiles at her friend, glad to see her happy again. "We got the kids, the house, the car and the beach house. The ex-husband hates me and his lawyer almost cried." Addison chuckled at her words. "Your job makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside."
Savvy and Addison keep talking while they eat their salads, until one of the new interns walks over to them. "Excuse me, Dr. Shep... Dr. Montgomery? Mrs. Williams is ready." Addison nods and tells him she'll meet him in the OR, and Savvy cocks her eyebrow at her as soon as the intern's gone. "Dr. Montgomery?" Addison shrugs slightly, her eyes still on her salad. "It reminded me of him."
Savvy shakes her head and takes a deep breath before speaking again. "It's been a month, sweetie. You're allowed to miss him." Addison nods without looking at her and doesn't say a thing. If she doesn't voice her feelings, maybe they'll go away sooner. "Maybe it's time to talk to your lawyer, Addie. Start moving forward." Addison shakes her head as she finishes her salad. "Not yet."
She leaves for surgery after a friendly hug and a reminder of their lunch date for tomorrow, and Addison tries to focus on the surgery she's about to perform instead of thinking about Savvy's words. Maybe it's time to talk to her lawyer. But she's not ready yet. She's not ready to move on. She doesn't deserve to move on yet. She's an adulterous bitch, and she can't sign a paper that will allow her to move on with her life.
Not yet.
A few hours later, Addison's scrubbing out of her surgery – healthy baby girl, almost six pounds and cute as a button – when she hears two of her interns talking next to her. "Have you seen the new one? I almost literally drooled when he smiled at me." Addison smirked, remembering what it was like to be an intern. She was already married back then, but that didn't mean she didn't lust after all the male attendings, just like the rest of the interns. "Have you met him, Dr. Montgomery?" Addison dries her hands and leans against the sink, waiting for the interns to finish. "I don't think so. What's his name?" The interns shrug and hold the door open for her to walk out. "I don't know. He's here for a consult on the VIP patient."
The three women walk out of the scrub room and towards the nurses' station, but they stop when the man leaning on the counter turns around and smiles at them. "There he is. He's so sexy it should be illegal." Addison doesn't speak. She's too busy cursing her bad luck. "Dr. Montgomery?" The interns turn around when Addison is already reaching the elevator, walking as fast as her high-heeled shoes allow her to.
"Addison!" She ignores his voice and silently wills the elevator doors to close faster, but he walks in before she can run away. "You're avoiding me again."
Mark crosses his arms across his chest, looking at her with a mixture of anger and concern in his eyes. "Yes." She's having a hard time staying calm. She's not ready for this. Not yet. "Why are you avoiding me?" He moves closer as he speaks, and she tries to take a step back before she notices her back's already pressed against the wall. She shakes her head softly, trying not to let his familiar smell cloud her mind. She's always loved the way he smells – even before everything changed – and it's probably because she helped him choose his after-shave when they were still in med school.
"Addison." And she snaps out of it, because he only calls her Addison when he's serious. "Why are you avoiding me?" He moves slightly closer, waiting for her answer. "Because I love you. Because it wasn't just sex." But he knows that's not the answer he'll get, as much as he wishes it was. "Because every time I stop avoiding you, we make mistakes. Naked mistakes. And that can't happen anymore. No more mistakes." Mark has to fight the urge to smile – he has a soft spot for nervous Addison – and he's about to say something when the doors slide open and she practically runs away, leaving a slightly confused Mark behind.
Three hours later, Addison sits on her chair, looking at the already finished paperwork on her desk. She could have gone home a while ago, but she doesn't want to take any risks. Mark could still be around, and she's not about to risk running into him. Not after making a fool of herself in the elevator. It's not that she didn't mean what she said. She did mean it. But she probably could have worded it differently. Maybe. If he hadn't been wearing the damn after-shave. Because, clearly, it's all the after-shave's fault. It's his secret weapon, and he knows it.
She looks at her watch once again, and decides to wait another hour before going home. Just in case. She grabs one of her medical journals and starts reading it – or at least looking at it – when the sound of the door opening makes her look up. "Addie?"
Mark walks into her office and closes the door behind him, and Addison stands up and walks towards the door, but he gently grabs her arm before she can reach the handle, making her stop. "No. You're going to listen to what I have to say. I also have things to say." She holds his gaze, trying not to let her mind wander. "You have to stop avoiding me. It's stupid, and you're not stupid enough to do that. And you're my best friend. Right now, you're my only friend. You don't get to avoid me forever." She takes a step back, shaking her head. "Mark..."
"No. Don't. We made mistakes. Naked mistakes." He smirks and she blushes, and he tries to sound sure of himself. Because they aren't mistakes in his mind, but he knows they are for her. "But we're friends first. We can still be friends. And I don't know about you, but I miss you. I miss my annoyingly girly best friend. I miss you, Addie."
She doesn't know if it's his words, or his smell – it was probably that damn secret weapon of his – but before she can figure it out she's leaned in and kissed him, and she has to suppress a content sigh when he wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He traces her lower lip with his tongue, and she parts her lips, her hands sliding from his shoulders to his chest, feeling the heat of his skin through the thin fabric of his scrubs.
"This is just sex."
But the slow pace he's setting, with his fingertips lightly brushing the skin on her lower stomach and his tongue gently – lovingly, even, if she didn't know better – exploring her mouth is making it very hard to listen when she tells herself there are no feelings involved in this. And, when one of his hands moves around to her back, sending shivers down her spine, and she has to fight the urge to whisper his name into the kiss, she decides it's time to take the lead. Because this is just sex, and she can't convince herself if he keeps this up, making her want to enjoy every second, as if it meant something.
And it doesn't. This is just sex.
Mark doesn't really know what changed, but suddenly she's not in the mood for kissing and she's pushing him towards his desk, her fingers working on untying his scrub pants as she softly bites on his lower lip. His hands travel under her shirt, and he wants to take his time – especially after hearing the small "Oh" that escaped her lips when his hands found her breasts – but she slides her hand into his boxers and a low groan is all he can manage before his mind shuts down completely.
Addison can't suppress a moan when one of his hands finally finds its way into her panties as the other pulls up her skirt, and he pushes down his pants and boxers, aching for more. She lets out a small whimper when he pulls his hand away from her, and she wraps her legs around his waist when he lifts her onto her desk and pulls her panties to the side before sliding into her in one fluid motion, both of them moaning at the contact.
Mark tries his best to keep at least a bit of control over this. He refuses to go at it as if this was just sex. As if she wasn't Addison. But her heels are digging on the back of his legs, and she's making it hard for him to keep his cool. "Mark..." and the way she says his name, between a sigh and a moan, her hot breath tickling his neck, is almost enough to push him over the edge. Her legs tighten around his waist and he braces himself with one hand on the desk as he quickens his pace, his other hand moving between and earning a soft moan from her lips.
Addison comes moaning against his neck, her eyes squeezed shut and and her nails digging into his back, and he follows seconds later, whispering her name into her hair before collapsing against her. She allows herself a moment of weakness and relaxes in his arms, smiling as she lets him trail soft kisses down his neck and silencing her own voice that keeps trying to make her believe that this is, once again, just sex.
They stay silent for a while, enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms, but Addison pulls away after a moment and Mark knows the moment's gone.
It was just sex.
She tenses up in his arms and he takes a step back as he pulls up his pants and boxers, trying not to let his disappointment show. He's hurting himself, and he knows it. This is just sex for her, and that's not going to change just because it isn't like that for him. And he knows he should stop. He should follow her lead and ignore her as she's trying to do with him, but he can't do that. She's the only woman he can't ignore.
Addison straightens her clothes and uses her fingers to brush her hair, grabbing her coat and trying not to look at him. After a moment of awkward silence, though, she figures she should say something and tries to make her mind form a coherent thought. "See? This is why I avoid you. Naked mistakes." He smirks against his will – because she's cute and nervous, and he has a soft spot for that – and hands her her purse. "This wasn't a naked mistake, though. Half-naked at most." And she smiles, because he's him, and he can pull it off.
"Still. Mistake." He nods, because – even though it hurts – he figures she's right. She's still married, after all. And even though he doesn't think it counts if her husband has left her, he knows she's still waiting for him. And maybe it's better to stop. Because it can't be good for her to keep having sex with him, and it's certainly not good for him to keep pretending he's just having sex with her.
"Can I call you? To talk?"
And she wants to say no. But she misses her friend, and she figures talking to him on the phone – without his after-shave clouding her mind – would be just fine. "Yeah. That'd be nice." And she leaves without looking at him, because she doesn't think she'll be able to go if she looks into his eyes once again.
As she walks towards her car, Addison tells herself this has to stop. She can't keep doing this to herself. She needs to think about Derek, not Mark. And she needs to stop having sex with Mark to forget about Derek. Except, this time, it wasn't about Derek. She didn't have sex with Mark to forget about Derek. She wasn't even thinking about Derek when Mark walked into her office. She was thinking about Mark. It was about mark.
And that made it even worse.