Chapter 2: Ain't it Funny

Disclaimer: Nope, they're still not mine. Neither is the song.

A/N: Well, I wasn't going to but your reviews were so lovely that I, after I thought about it for a while, I found I had more to say. And here it is! The sequel to 'Little Pieces'. It's a little different from my usual staff; it's certainly a lot angstier than I usual write. At least, I hope you find it very angsty. But I have the third chapter almost all done and should be post it by the weekend and that one will end on a more optimistic note. Anyway, I hope you like it!

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"We shouldn't have left," Emily muttered as she settled down in the plane.

"Did you say something, Em?" JJ said as she sat down next to the dark haired profiler.

"I just don't think we should have left," Emily shook her head. "Hotch is going through a really rough time and he needs his team around; we were on stand down, I don't see why they had to call us in."

"We were the only team available, Emily," JJ said quietly. "The timing sucks but that's the job. Hotch understands that; he wouldn't want us to stay behind and ignore the job because of him."

"You're probably right," Emily conceded with a sigh. "Still, I don't have to like it. I just . . . I just wish there was something I could do for him and Jack."

"He knows you're there for him if he needs anything," JJ comforted the team's only female profiler. "There's really nothing much you, or any of us, can do."

"I know," Emily sighed again. "I know you're right; it's just . . ." she trailed off with a shrug as she turned to look out the window.

"Are you okay?" JJ asked after a moment's pause, when she debated whether it was the right thing to ask.

"Me?" Emily asked, surprised, as she turned to look at JJ once more. "Of course I'm alright. Why wouldn't I be? It was Hotch that lost someone close to him, not me."

"Yes, I know but," JJ hesitated for a moment before she decided she might as well go on, "I know what he means to you and it can't be easy seeing him hurt so much . . . over his wife."

"He's hurting because his wife died, JJ," Emily said. "Of course, it isn't easy to see him hurt so much; I'm sure you feel the same way."

"I'm worried about him, sure," JJ replied. "But my feelings for Hotch aren't quite what yours are."

"JJ," Emily said in a warning tone. "This isn't really the place or time to talk about that - not that there's anything to say about . . . that."

"I just want you to know I'm here if you want to talk," the team's media liaison said. Though the two friends had never really talked about whatever it was that was going on between the brunette profiler and the former team leader, it was obvious that JJ knew something had been going on. In fact, Emily was sure everyone on the team knew something had happened between her and Hotch but no one, save JJ right then, had ever said anything about it. That was the bad and good thing about working with a team of profilers and two very observant women – they knew everything about you, even the stuff you really didn't want them to know but they also knew you well enough to understand what and when a subject was appropriate to talk about.

"Thanks," Emily said just as Morgan started distributing the files for the case. For the next couple of hours, she delved into work and managed to forget all about Hotch. However, there was only so much they could do in the plane and before long, they were putting aside the files and trying to relax before they were once more required to immerse themselves in a sick person's psyche. As it had become the norm in the last few months, her mind, when not engaged in work, returned without delay to its new default setting – Hotch, his painful situation and their non-relationship.

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you & me
It's so ironic you're what I had pictured you to be
But there are facts in our lives we can never change
Just tell me that you understand & you feel the same

How was it that things had gotten to that point? How could she, the who had always been so careful, be the one that allowed herself to become involved in such a mess of a situation, one that resembled nothing more than a soap opera plot gone wrong? Oh, yes, she remembered; it had been those chocolate, bedroom eyes of his, not to mention those dimples that made such rare appearances and that tough, stern mask that hid a sweet, tender, sensitive and vulnerable man.

She had always been a sucker for a tough man in pain, had never really been able to resist the allure of trying to 'fix' them. So, when Hotch had started to lean on her after the explosion in New York, she'd been a goner. She'd been able to resist the attraction she felt for him up to then; after all, for the first year she'd known him, he'd been married and more than a little reserved around her but when the ice started to thaw, she found herself sinking – and fast.

She might have sunk fast but the relationship progressed at a rate comparable to that of an iceberg – incredibly slow. And she'd been happy about the slow rate; they were two injured, guarded souls that, professionally, had too much to lose to risk going any faster. Slow had been the perfect speed, not to mention that she'd enjoyed getting to know another side of Hotch. She'd found him to be funny and witty, despite his dry as dust sense of humor; tender, generous, compassionate, gentle and patient: exactly how she'd thought he'd be behind the mask he always wore, on those rare moments she allowed herself to go there at all. But she had wondered whether anyone else besides Hailey and Jack had seen that other side of him because it was a side he kept almost completely under wraps while at work.

However happy she'd been with the slow speed and with the man behind the mask she'd been discovering, there had been more than one moment of doubt; more than one moment where she'd wondered if things were heading where she thought and hoped, they were heading. His divorce had left him very scarred and his devotion to his son was absolute. But while she'd respected and admired his devotion to his son, the scars left by his divorce had made her very wary. She'd wanted nothing more than to learn whether he felt the same as she; unfortunately, communication, especially about his feelings, was not one of his good qualities.

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind
I'd live a thousand lives
each one with you right by my side

And yet, despite her misgivings, she'd continued to allow herself to be pulled in deeper and deeper; she'd felt confident that things would resolve themselves and optimistic that he felt as she did. Something that with the benefit of hindsight, she realized was very out of character for her. She might be a confident person when it came to her work but she was usually far from confident and optimistic when it came to her personal life. Normally, she preferred a more realistic approach, something along the lines of "plan for the worst, hope for the best" kind of tactics.

But her usually hidden romantic side had won out and she'd found herself dreaming of a future with him. A future where she had those kids she had started to long for, and a house with a garden, and a minivan she'd use to drive the kids to soccer practice and ballet rehearsals and sleepovers at friend's houses. If she'd come up with one, she'd come up with a hundred ways of them 'getting together'; she'd imagined everything from how he finally told her he loved her; to their wedding; to the birth of their children. She actually cringed now when she remembered all of those fantasies; they were so unlike her that she couldn't quite believe that it had been her mind that had come up with them.


But yet we find ourselves
in a less than perfect circumstance
And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Unfortunately, and maybe predictably, those fantasies were all she was likely to have – well, those and the memories of the few times they ended up in bed together. God, she still couldn't believe she'd done that. She'd known it wasn't a good time; that he was in a bad place to be making those kind of decisions and that given their working relationship it would only create more problems. She'd even known it was all going to blow up in her face. She just hadn't been able to turn him away when he'd come to her for comfort; it had felt like the only way she had to help him.

But physical release, no matter how pleasurable, wasn't a panacea. It wasn't a magical solution that made everything alright; once the euphoria of the moment passed, reality was still the same as it was before and you still had to deal with it. The best sex could offer was a momentary escape from your troubles and sometimes that just made everything worse in the long run. Especially when the relationship you had with the person you were with hadn't gotten to a place where you could weather such emotional storms together.

She'd known all that and she'd still let herself be carried away with him every time he came to her. It didn't really matter that she'd always told him it couldn't happen again; she always let him in when he inevitably came back. It had started to become a vicious, unhealthy circle. Once she'd called a halt to the last time they'd been together because she didn't want the good feelings they'd had for each other to turn dark and ugly. Whether they'd have been able to stick to their resolution of never 'going there' again, was something they'd never know now as his situation had gotten even bleaker a couple of days earlier and that, in turn, made whatever slim hope she'd kept of things working out between them even slimmer.

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when your feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real

"Hey, girl," Morgan said from across the table. "You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she smiled at him and noticed that at some point while she'd been lost in thought JJ had moved seats. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"No reason, I guess," Morgan shrugged. "You just looked . . . completely spaced."

"I was lost in thought," she corrected. "There's a difference."

"If you say so," he didn't sound convinced. "I think what you need is a night out; you know, to just let it all go, relax and have fun. Maybe we should go out once we get back to DC."

"No, thanks, Morgan," she shook her head. "I'm really not in the mood and I really don't think this is the time to go partying." Though, she tried not to, she sounded just a little bit reproachful.

"No, you're right," Morgan nodded. "It's not the time but . . ." he shook his head. "We all really need to relax."

"You're probably right about that," she conceded. "I just don't think that's going to happen any time soon, do you?"

"Probably not," he sighed and let the matter drop. Morgan turned his attention back to his music and Emily went back to not seeing the clouds.

No, going out wouldn't help anything, neither would meeting anyone new. She knew because she'd tried that already. Not lately, not since before they slept together but if she hadn't been able to forget about him then, she had a feeling it would be even harder now. Now she knew what it was to be in his arms, how it felt to kiss him and to be surrounded by him, how could she possibly forget that? How could she move on to someone else?

It didn't matter that she knew things wouldn't be going anywhere or that she really should be moving on or that she shouldn't have fallen for him in the first place; none of that mattered because she had fallen for him and now she was stuck. She was in love with a single father who was mourning the death of his ex-wife and who also happened to be her boss. She couldn't have chosen a more inappropriate man to fall in love with if she'd tried. Because really, falling in love with your emotionally battered boss was a huge no-no.


Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
in the story of your heart

But damn it, how she wished things were different. She wished she wasn't so convinced things wouldn't have worked out – no, she wished she was sure things would work out. Actually, if she was wishing stuff, she'd wish that Foyet had never re-entered Hotch's life or at the very least, that he'd had the decency of staying put in prison, where he belonged.

It was funny, or maybe in this case it was sad, how one single moment in time could have so much impact in one's life. Her relationship with Hotch had had more than one such moment but the ones that had altered its course onto paths she couldn't have predicted involved Foyet.

Foyet's stabbing of Hotch had been like a slap in the face. Emily had known almost as soon as she heard that Hotch wasn't answering his phone that something was wrong and she had gone over to check on him the first chance she'd had. Seeing the blood in his dining room and then seeing him lying in that hospital bed had been about the worst moments of her life; though not as bad as when he woke up and figured out Foyet was going after his son and ex-wife. Emily could have cried at the agony she saw in his eyes at that moment.

It had been that same agony she'd seen when he'd come to her a few weeks later seeking comfort and escape in her arms. And that had been another moment that had changed their relationship and turned it into something she no longer recognized. And, despite knowing it was wrong, it was the fear of seeing that same look in his eyes that had prevented her from turning him away every time he'd come back. Well, that and the fact that she loved him and, good or bad, being with him was something of a dream come true – even though, she'd also known that it really was little more than an illusion.

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be
I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me
Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain
And I don't think that I could face it all again

She had resigned herself to never knowing love; at her age and with her past, it just hadn't seemed to be in the cards for her. But life or perhaps it was fate, was a fickle thing and delighted in playing with the lives and loves of mere mortals. And, quite against her expectations, Emily had fallen for the most unlikely of men. But, if falling for Hotch had surprised her, having him return her interest, in however small a way it might have been, had completely stunned her.

Of course, life was nothing if not capricious and just as it gives, it takes away. Just as Emily had started to believe her wild flights of fancy might become reality, that prospect was taken away and the possibility of any of that ever happening became almost nonexistent. Whoever had said that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all must not have loved and lost anyone – or he must have had some serious mental deficit, because as far as Emily was concerned, she was better off before the whole twisted relationship with Hotch started.

At least back then she could seek solace in ignorance and convince herself that being with Hotch couldn't possibly be as good as she imagined. Now, she knew that it was even better than she'd thought it could be and she had no idea how she was going to get over him. She'd had her share of knocks in life but she honestly didn't know how she was going to recover from this last one – it seemed life could be more than capricious and could actually be down right mean sometimes.


I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about
A deeper love I've found in you and I no longer doubt
You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made
And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

She really would have been much better off if she'd just kept her attraction for him in a tightly locked box in a dark corner of her mind. And if he hadn't gotten divorced and had kept his stern mask firmly in place, that box wouldn't have ever been opened. But no, the man had to go and get a divorce and allowed her little peeks into the inner man that made keeping the lid on the box all but impossible. It hadn't even mattered that, because he was such a complex man, those little peeks had barely scratched the surface of his personality; what she'd glimpsed in those moments, combined with what she knew of him from work, had been more than enough for her to know who he was – and that had been enough to turn simple attraction and infatuation into the real thing.

It had also been enough to breach all the barriers she'd been erecting since her teenage years. She still wasn't sure how he'd done it but, little by little, the man had chipped at her defenses until they were all but gone and all those emotions she'd kept tightly locked had been let loose. And now her heart was no longer her own and she was helplessly, hopelessly, head over in heels in love with her boss, a man that had recently become a single father and whose feelings for his ex-wife were so tangled up no one was sure whether he considered himself a man whose ex-wife had died or a widower.

Emily shifted away from the window and let her head fall on the headrest as she closed her eyes and tried to relax. She supposed if one good thing had come out of the whole mess, it was that she was no longer afraid. For most of her life, she had kept back a part of herself, frightened of what it would mean, of what it could do to her if she were to give her all to a relationship and then have that relationship fail. After what happened with Matt when she was a teenager, she'd been more than wary of ever feeling anything close to that. But there really was no point in being afraid anymore, was there? After all, her heart was already broken, what more could she possibly have to be afraid of now?

I locked away my heart but you just set it free
Emotions I felt held me back from what my life should be
I pushed you far away and yet you stayed with me
I guess this means that you and me were meant to be

When the pilot announced that they would be landing momentarily, Emily straightened and leaned forward to gather and put away her papers. As she did so, she looked around and saw her teammates doing the same; it was a sight she was rather used to and yet, it struck her that something was off about it, something was missing. It took her a few moments to realize what it was that was missing – Hotch. Their erstwhile leader's absence could almost be felt. And though Emily had no doubt that they would solve their present case without much difficulty, she also knew that it wouldn't be the same without him there.

She pushed up from her seat with a slight, annoyed frown; even when she wasn't thinking of him, she ended up thinking of him. Yes, getting over him would be next to impossible, especially when just being with the rest of team or simply working a case would forever remind her of him. Most of what she knew about the intricacies of profiling she'd learned from him and she knew that, whatever happened in the future, the knowledge he'd imparted on her would always be with her.

A little corner of her heart kept insisting that after everything they'd been through, their future relationship could be much closer than just a professional one but her common sense asserted that nothing more than that was guaranteed. Her feelings for him might be all she'd most of the last two years suppressing but there was no guarantee that his feelings for her were similar. And even if they were, circumstances being what they were, chances were more than excellent that friendly colleagues would be all they would ever be.

She took her carry-on from Dave with a smile even as she determined that if friends were all they could be, then she would be the best friend she could. He was going through one of the toughest times of his life and she would be there for him to the best of her capabilities. She didn't know how much help to him and Jack she could be but she'd do her best. It seemed to be the only thing she could do for him, as for herself, helping him and seeing him act healthier would make her feel better too. Anything other than that . . . well, as the song went 'whatever will be, will be' and she could do nothing more than wait and see.