Standing near the railing, the cool winds breezed past her as she breathed in the salty smell of the sea. Whenever she needed to clear her head, being near the ocean always seemed to help. That's why she chose Seattle; it was surrounded by water. But even the calm of the sea could not untangle the jumbled mess her brain had become after leaving the party. Seeing Derek was something she had not been prepared for, something she never thought she'd ever need to prepare herself for. He hadn't changed, even after so many years. Same beautiful, curly hair. Same dorky, soft smile. The only thing that seemed different was the look of his eyes. The deep blue eyes that stared at her tonight were sad, the twinkle they once had seemed worn and dimmed. Those eyes seemed to be pleading with her, begging her to talk to him. And though she wished she could confess it all, confess her reasons for leaving him, for avoiding him, she knew she couldn't bring herself to.
She could still recall that period of her life, right before she left him. It'd been right after medical school; during that nervous but exciting time when internship decisions were coming in. All three of them had applied to New York Presbyterian, hoping, beyond reason, that they'd somehow be accepted.
"Have you guys gotten your decisions yet? Presby gave me an acceptance letter yesterday!" Addison announced, running into Derek's apartment. The both of them turned to her, a look of unadulterated joy wore on both their faces. The three of them had been together since undergrad. They were the 3 amigos, the 3 musketeers, joined at the hip for the last 8 years.
"I got mine yesterday too," Derek informed, taking a manila envelope from his brown, leather messenger bag. Addison snatched the envelope out of Derek's hand, examining and comparing it with her own.
"What about you, Mer?" she asked, turning to Meredith.
"Haven't gotten anything yet," she lied, turning on the television, hoping to avoid the inevitable conversation that would ensue. She had, in fact, received her acceptance from Presby; she just wasn't sure how to tell the two that she might not be interning there.
"It's okay, Mer. I'm sure your acceptance will come soon. If not, you can always go to Lennox Hill, It's basically the same as Presby, just without the top 10 ranking," Addison comforted, restraining her glee. Addison had always been the ultra competitive type. It wasn't that she disliked or wished ill upon Meredith per se; this was simply a show of her superior medical skills.
"If you end up at Lennox, I'll go with you. It doesn't really matter where you intern anyways, it's about your skill level," Derek encouraged, giving her a comforting smile. She felt bad lying to him, but she just wasn't sure she wanted to go to Presby. Yet, she also wasn't sure she didn't want to go to Presby. Creating unnecessary disappointment seemed worse than postponing her announcement until she had made a decision. It wasn't that she didn't want to intern with Derek and Addison; she just needed a change of pace. New York just wasn't home. Plus, she just got her acceptance to Seattle Grace, making her decision that much tougher.
"I actually have to run to work soon. We'll talk about programs later?" she placated, tapping her watch to emphasize that she was in a hurry. She waved a quick goodbye and headed out the door. As she walked down the stairs, she suddenly remembered what she'd come to Derek's for.
'I need that book!' she thought to herself, after waging an internal war on whether to return to his apartment or not. Cristina, her co-worker, had been asking for days to borrow the book. With any other person, Meredith would've just left and made a mental not to get the book another day, but Cristina was not someone you wanted to cross. It didn't help matters that she'd already 'forgotten' the book at least half a dozen times; half a dozen and one was one too many for Cristina. Sighing, Meredith ran up the apartment steps as fast as she could, opening the door to Derek's apartment. Thank god it was unlocked!
"I for—," she stopped mid-sentence, taking in the sight before her. Derek turned in shock, pushing Addison away from his lips. Addison feel backward, breaking her fall by grabbing onto the couch, confused.
"I...came-back-for-a-book-but-that's-not-important," Meredith blurted before bolting out the door. Sprinting down the street, she quickly raising her hand, calling for a taxi. She could hear the thud of footsteps nearing as she got into the cab. 'Mere—' he yelled, cut off by the slam of the car door. He watched as he drove away, defeated.
Inside the cab, Meredith felt her eyes welling with tears. She didn't quite understand why she was so upset. She should be happy, ecstatic for the two of them, and some part of her was. But the greater portion of her felt sadness, like her world had suddenly been flipped over and turned inside out. Her heart felt like it was breaking, like someone was squeezing it with all their might and refusing to let go. Her breaths got quicker and quicker causing the cab driver to give her a concerned glance. As the cab arrived at the coffee shop, she hopped off, racing to the store.
"What happened to you? You look awful," Cristina commented as Meredith bursted through the door. Meredith gave her a death glare before making her way to her locker to change.
"Seriously, what happened?" Cristina inquired, feigning concern. Meredith continued putting on her uniform, ignoring Cristina's questions. She could barely process what had happened, let alone explain it to Cristina.
"It's complicated," she replied, hoping Cristina would leave it at that.
"What do you mean? Like 'I don't want to go to Presby but don't know how to tell my friends' complicated?" Cristina asked. Cristina had been the only person Meredith had told about her acceptance to New York Presbyterian. As much as Cristina was an overly competitive, bossy person, she was also a fairly good listener. More importantly, Cristina had also just graduated med school and was planning on going to Seattle Grace. It'd actually been Cristina that had made Meredith realize that she needed a change.
"It's 'I accidentally walked in on Addison and Derek kissing' complicated," she answered. Cristina's wide-eyed shock mimicked her own reaction to the news.
"No way! McBitch stole your McDreamy?" Cristina exclaimed in outrage. Through the many stories Meredith had regaled to her, Cristina had developed nicknames for Addison and Derek. Addison was McBitch and Derek's McDreamy. Meredith didn't approve of the names, but no one could stop Cristina once she'd started.
"He's not mine. He has every right to kiss whoever he wants," Meredith muttered, more to herself than Cristina. She had little reason to be mad. It wasn't like she was dating Derek, nor was there any rule between Addison and her that made dating Derek off-limits. It was perhaps the sudden shock of it that made her feel empty. Like she was alone in the world with no one.
"Can we please stop pretending that you're not completely in love with him?" Cristina rolled her eyes. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Meredith had feelings for Derek, strong ones at that. Of course, being the oblivious person that she was, Meredith herself couldn't admit nor see the truth.
"I'm not!" she yelled in protest. She'd always thought of Derek as someone to depend on, someone that she could count on no matter what. Perhaps it was the fact that she knew she'd be the odd one out, the third wheel in their relationship.
"Whatever. Did you get your acceptance letter from Seattle Grace yet?" Cristina asked, changing the subject. No matter what she said Meredith would insist that she was okay. Even Cristina could tell that Meredith needed a change of pace. And there was no other place to start anew than Seattle, home to the world's finest teaching hospital, Seattle Grace.
"Yeah, I got mine in the mail today . I still have to think about it though," she informed. If it wasn't for Derek and Addison, she'd have made the decision to move to Seattle, no questions asked. But, it felt like leaving her family. They'd spent the last 8 years of their lives together; the thought of them not being around was unfathomable.
"Come on, Mer! McDreamy and McBitch are assumedly together now! Where does that leave you? The third wheel in a two-person relationship!? Seattle Grace is the number one teaching hospital in the world! How can you pass that up? And—It's just an amazing opportunity," Cristina urged. She had almost added that staying and watching Addison and Derek develop their relationship would be heartbreaking, but she stopped herself, knowing that making Meredith face the fact that she loved Derek would be cruel and useless now. She knew Meredith too well to know that she would do anything for Addison and Derek and if that meant giving them her blessing no matter how much she loved Derek, she'd do it.
"I know that I am lucky to even be considered, let alone accepted, but—"
"Meredith, I won't let you stay here alone!" Cristina exploded, frustrated that her friend couldn't see the painfully obvious truth.
"I'm not alone. I have Derek and Addison," Meredith stated, unconvincingly. Cristina gave her a glare, making her look down in her folded hands.
"Derek and Addison are together. You are just the other girl, the one getting in the way of there alone time. Do you want to be the third wheel?" Cristina questioned. She knew what she was doing was cruel, but it was better for Meredith to see the truth and leave with her to Seattle, then stay and live her days in emotional agony.
"I…I…" Meredith muttered, at a loss for words.
"Mer, I know what love looks like and you are definitely in love with McDreamy," Cristina stated. She looked at a dejected Meredith, sitting on the bench with her head in her hands. She could tell that Meredith was crying.
"I'll go out first. Come out when you're ready. No rush," Cristina comforted, patting Meredith on the back before heading out to the register to tend to a waiting customer.
'Is Cristina right?' She thought. Was she really in love with Derek? Was this why her heart was hurting so much? Was this why everytime he smiled or looked at her, she wondered what it'd be like to be in his arms? To have him hold her, not just as a friend...but more?
Tears streamed down her face as she felt a warm presence beside her. Of course he'd come for her; he always did. He pulled her in, holding her to him tightly as she leaned into his embrace. Her body shook uncontrollably as the sobs overtook her. She could feel him kiss her softly atop her head, rubbing her back in a circular motion to calm her. Her arms wrapped around his waist, clinging to him tightly.
He was her McDreamy.
As she sat there, holding onto him as he held her, she knew she had to leave New York.