Chapter 2: Only

"Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be,
and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside."-Nine Inch Nails

2D groaned and forced his body to roll over. He hastily searched for the alarm going off, but his efforts were in vain. The alarm he thought he heard was nothing more than a terrible headache; throbbing, reminding him he was still alive. He sighed and began a different search for his bottle of pills. Memories of the previous night flitted in and out of his subconcious even in his dreams. Suddenly, he didn't much feel like he desearved to take the pills to ease his pain. What pain had he caused Noodle? He had behaved the way he would have if he had been fucking one of the worthless whores he used to bring home from bars. That's not how he felt about the innocent young girl. His internal conflict kept growing worse and worse as more thoughts circled his mind.

What if she had been a virgin before last night? Oh, God; had he drunkenly taken something that should have been given in love?

The question in his mind was not weather or not he loved her, but rather; did she love him? He was convinced she was confusing their closeness with that of real love. At that moment, he wondered what she was doing. Was she drinking herself into a stupor, or smoking so much that she could only sit on her bed letting her mind wander...he even thought that he may have saw some shrooms on the dresser, he hoped she wasn't using those to make a false happiness.

What would he do when he saw her? Surely, the two would have to spend hours in the recording studio at band practice. How would his actions effect her musical talent? He wasn't even sure if he'd ever be able to sing let alone write anything that wasn't an apology to her. 2D didn't want to avoid her, no, he couldn't reject her, not ever. If she wanted to be with him, he wasn't sure he was strong enough to turn her away again. Suddenly, there was a knock on his door. His heart stopped, half hoping, and half dreading the young guitarist's voice.

"2D? Yo, man! Open the door."

He sighed inwardly, mostly realived it wasn't Noodle. He quickly walked to the door in his pajama pants and let the large man in.

Russel gave him a once over and chuckled slightly. The blue-haired man's hair was messier than normal, he looked like he hadn't slept at all, and he noted the scratch marks down his back as 2D turned around to sit on his bed.

"Have some fun last night?" He joked, thinking 2D had woken up with just a hangover and an empty bed.
"Huh? Oh..." He looked away. He wasn't entirely sure where the conversation was going. He was much to exhasted to worry about weather of not Russel knew anything of what had happened. He wasn't sure how to end his setance so he just sighed.
"Hey, man, what's up?"

"N'thing. I-I jus didn't get much sleep las'night."

Russel smiled and started to back out the door, realizing that now might not be the best time to talk about new music, and settled for reminding him to be at practice in a few hours. 2D nodded and closed his eyes, falling back onto his bed. His band mate shut his door and 2D stared at the ceiling, thinking of lyrics to a new song.

Russel brushed off the strange conversation with 2D as a result of a too-rough girl and too much alcohol as he continued down the hallway to find the member of his band that just happened to be his favorite...and had also been MIA for a few days. He smiled as he knocked lightly on her door, calling her name.

"Go away." came the muffled response. He frowned and tried again.

"It's me, Russel. Open up!"

A few minutes with no response passed and finally a soft 'click' was heard and the door opened slightly and Noodle's head popped out. Her eyes were red and swollen and underlined with the same dark circles as 2D had. Russel thought she was just tired until he looked closer and noticed her pupils. She was stoned.

"What did you want? I'm getting ready for band practice." She mumbed, now avoiding eye contact.

"Are you high?" He demanded, immeadiatly growing furious at the situation. She shook her head quickly and tried to close the door, but he pushed past, begining a search for weed or other drugs.

Noodle stood against the door fram with her arms crossed glaring at the large man. He sighed when he didn't find anything, and turnd to her with an apologetic look on his face.

"I'm sorry, Noods. I was just worried, that's all. Are you feelin' okay?"
"I'm fine." She said quickly, her eyes darting from the floor to the wall and back down to the floor. "I was just sick, and haven't slept too well lately..." She finished with a fake cough to convince him. He seemed slightly suspicious, but didn't press the issue. He quickly gave her a hug and turned out the door. As soon as the door was shut, Noodle let out the breath she had been holding since his search started. She walked over to lock the door and then bent down under the bed, climbed underneith all the way to the back and grabbed the small shoe box containing her weed and about half an ounce of shrooms along with the nearly empty alcohol bottles. Noodle decided she probably wanted to function for practice, and so smoking more may be out of the question, showering, however, may be a good idea.

She walked slowly to her adjacent bathroom and shut the door behind herself, undressing quickly, she started the water and waited for the temperature to become correct. While she was waiting, Noodle stared at herself in the mirror.

Chirst.

She gaped at her appearence and even did a double-take, not believing how strung out she looked. Her eyes were hollow and haunted looking, her skin an ashen shade of appricot. Maybe she shouldn't spend so much time sitting in her room fantazing and abusing her youth.

...last night wasn't a fantasy...

A small voice reminded her of her mistake, but she quickly pushed it back down. Last night must have been a dream, there was no way any of the crazy things that had happened last night were real, she convinced herself. Silently, she stepped into the steaming hot water feeling worse and more confused than before. She immeadiatly regretted looking at her own refelction.

"I didn't mean to do it
It loved me in my head
I tried to be a charmer,
but I got a bit hopeless instead
The world is very sexy
It's part of my collapse..."

Noodle stood in the doorway of the recording studio an hour early thinking that a little solo might help to clear her head so she didn't completely fall apart upon seeing 2D again but was soon met with a new melody and the person she was avoiding's voice. He was facing away from the door, his head down and his keyboard in front of him. She stood, frozen, in the middle of the wooden frame praying he wouldnt see her. His lyrics sounded so different, so...empty to her. Half of the words were "blah" for God's sake. As 2D droned on, Noodle found it harder and harder to tear herself away. Her eyes were glued to his back, to his swaying head, his fingers that danced along the keys with such concentration it made her dizzy. While she was lost in his music, 2D's brows knitted together as he lost his place, stopping suddenly and groaning in frustration. He sighed and turned around jumping at his surprise visitor. She seemed just as shocked as she was; her eyes widened and her mouth opened like she was about to say something. As she fumbled for words, 2D waged an inner war in his mind.

He was torn between acting like everything was normal and jumping off of his stool and imbracing the small girl. He looked up into her eyes, feeling like time was stopped for just a second before the choice was made for him. Noodle threw herself into his arms like she had when she was a little girl and started crying. Taken aback, he caught her and smoothed his hands over her damp hair, trying to comfort her. The tears flowed down her cheeks wetting the front of his shirt as she sobbed for some reason she wasn't even sure of. A very puzzled 2D patted her back, wiped the tears away without a word trying to distance himself from the girl to keep from hurting her. He pulled away from her slightly, gingerly touching her cheek with his palm. He looked into her tear-filled eyes with such intensity Noodle shivered invoulentarily. She found it hard to look directly into his black voids, either out of shame or guilt. No words had been spoken between them since he had left her room. With her face still in his palm, 2D continued to stare trying to think of the right words. He relished in the feeling of her silky skin against his rough hands, dispite the flow of tears blemishing her perfect face. Her eyes looked so pained and it caused him to look away out of guilt. Had he caused the broken expression on her face? He opened his mouth to ask, but quickly choked on the unspoken words.

They both sat staring at each other for what seemed like eternity, neither one knowing how nor wanting to break the connection they held. For a few intimate moments, they were the only two people in the whole world. 2D was lost in his own mind, distracted by what would happen if he were to kiss her. He stared at her small pink lips, moved to her turned up little nose, and then back to the plesant haven of her eyes.

"2D...?"

Dreamily, he mumbled a response, trying to hold on to the moment.

"Do you really love me?" She asked meekly, immeadiatly looking away.

2D snapped out of his trance-like state and sighed at the young girl's question. How was he supposed to answer that without hurting her?

"Noodle, love...I do love ya, I do...but 'smor complicated than that..." he sighed heavily and pulled her small frame to himself. She smelled like strawberries, he noticed, resting his face in her soft hair. He closed his eyes, thinking of how to explain this to her. He smiled sadly, thinking that maybe speaking wasn't the best way to express his reasoning. Keeping his face buried in her hair, he began to sing her song. He softly sang the words to El Manana, in a sad, sweet voice. She began sobbing again, her body shaking violently. He held on to her tighter, feeling his voice become thick and his eyes sting with the threat of tears.

"Why won't you answer my question, 2D-san?" she asked tearfully, pulling away and looking up at him.

Sometimes, 2D would forget that she was a, in a sense, a normal teenage girl. Perhaps she even had it a bit harder, what with living in a house with 3 men much older than her, but a seventeen-year-old girl was a seventeen-year-old girl and, no matter how mature she was, there was nothing that could help her understand these feelings she was having. 2D closed his eyes slowly, feeling a splitting pain through his head. He rubbed his temples and grit his teeth together. Just as he opened his mouth to try and explain, he heard Murdoc and Russel approching, clearly arguing about something. He reluctantly motioned for Noodle to stand on her own by her guitar as he scrambled to a casual-looking position.

"-an all I'm sayin' is maybe we don't need to practice for six fuckin' hours, man!" The argument became louder as the two entered the room and 2D's headache got that much work.

Murdoc looked around, and scowled like normal. His gaze settled on 2D and he chuckled.
"So, Face-ache, 'eard ya gotcha self a 'lil lasnight." his slight smile faded just to let the singer know he wasn't complementing him. "'bout time."
2D looked away, wishing he could fall through the floor. He wished he could tell everyone to stop talking about it, that it only made him feel worse, but he couldn't let anyone know...that was the worst. He had no one he could express his guilt to.

Russel started talking about new music, but Noodle was only half listening. The other half of her concentration was being used on trying to stifle her sobs. She shoved her fist in her mouth and tilted her head down so her bangs covered her eyes. When she regained herself, she realized what they were talking about and became very interested. Murdoc was nagging 2D about writing new lyrics. She wondered to herself why he wasn't sharing the new lyrics she heard earlier. They were different, yes, but still something to get the satanist off of his back. And, if he had written that song recently, he must be writing other things, right? She was so very confused. As her bandmates squabbled on and on, she picked up her guitar and started playing. Nothing in particular, just something to move her fingers, to move her mind.

As she strummed, memories of the other night played in and out of her subconcious. She was having a bit of trouble convincing herself it was just a dream. Noodle had thought she had herself convinced, and she could pretend until she saw him. Once she laid eyes on him, all of the hurt of rejection came back to her and all she could think of was winning him over.

"-Noodle!"

She shook her head, clearing herself out of deep thought and looked up at Murdoc. Clearly, judging by the concerned looks on her friend faces, they had been trying to get her attenion for a little while. She offered a small smile and set her gutair down.

"D'ya 'ave anythin to offa? I'm sicka wastin' me time with Face-ache 'ere who can't even write a goddamned song once in a while!" and with that, he stormed out of the room. Russel and 2D stared after him, but Noodle just picked up her guitar, wondering when she would be allowed to go back to her room.

A few hours later, Noodle tossed and turned around in her bed, completely unable to sleep. She stared at the ceiling, alone but for her thoughts, her alcohol and weed gone. Neither of them had been enough to help her, but together she was feeling pretty decent. Her mind wandered while she lay still, not even able to blink. Her thoughts all circulated around a certain blue-haired singer. She sighed, wishing he was holding her and singing into her hair again. Was that a fantasy, too? Maybe that happened and not the sex? Maybe she was dreaming all of this...or maybe all of this was some weird fantasy she had thought up and it was too good to not be true, minus the crying. But, 2D loved her...in her dreams or for real? She sighed loudly. What time was it? She had shut her alarm clock off a few days ago....shit was trippy when high on shrooms. Everything was begining to frustrate her. Why couldn't she get to sleep!

Cuddling up in her blanket, she imagined 2D's long arms wrapped around her. Then she stopped; it seemed weird that she was fantasizing about him now. She suddenly felt very dirty, thinking that maybe there was something wrong in her head. She reasoned that it must be unhealthy to obsess over someone as much as she had been, but when she thought about how it felt to be in his arms, how sweet his voice was when he sang to her, how gingerly he had touched her face, how wonderful his lips tasted...

Before she really knew what she was doing, Noodle found herself wrapping her arms around her torso, and cacooning her blankets around herself. She could nearly feel his chest moving, steadily up and down where her head lay, feel his fingers curl around her hip, hear his breath in her ear. She smiled sleepily, waiting to hear him whisper the sweet things to her until he was sure she was peacefully asleep. She was nearly asleep when she felt the brush of a hand down her side. Her eyes popped open and she gasped. Sitting up, she scanned her room for someone, but she quickly found she was alone. She could feel her heart beating as she swung her legs over the edge of her bed and padded to a lap on the desk. She pulled the chain and the rook became luminated. Still, she saw no one.

Noodle knitted her brows together and fell to her knees to look under her bed; no one there.
She swung open the closet door; empty.
Noodle scowled, maintaining the fact that something had touched her and that her imagination was not that vivid. With no where else to search, she gave up, shut her light off, and sat on the edge of her bed. She fell back into her previous position and tried to fall asleep with little luck. She couldn't close her eyes for even a minute without becoming paranoid. She wasn't afraid that someone or something was in her room, but that she had, infact, fantasized that insanely realistically. There was no way that was healthy, not at all.

A few more moments past and Noodle was begining to fear for her sanity. She was confusing her previous wishes with what had actually happened. Had 2D been with her in her room earlier holding her and running his hands down her side, or had she imagined that? Or maybe it was a dream? She shook her head in frustration, realizing that even if she wanted to, there was no one she could talk to about her problem. So she did the logical thing and left her room, wearing her cute little Hello Kitty pajamas, and headed to the kitchen in search of some alcohol.

When she reached her destination, she was relieved to find herself alone with almost a whole fifth of vodka from the freezer. She drank half of it quickly, nearly throwing up from the burning sensation of cold alcohol hitting an empty stomach. Sitting in a chair, she took another drink, and then another before closing the lid and placing it back in the freezer. Maybe this wasn't healthy, either but she didn't care. Atleast she could get some sleep now. Waiting for the happy feeling to wash over her was not going to take long, she thought happily. It would have been a good idea to start back to her room, so that she would be in bed when the effects slammed her in the face in a few moments, but she stayed in the comfy chair, not really caring to move. Nearly ten minutes past before she stopped staring at the floor and looked around. If Russel or Murdoc were to walk by her, they would shit. She would be three-sheets to the wind by the time they noticed her and that would be bad. 2D, on the other hand, she would probably just tear her shirt off and throw herself at him, almost like the first time.

Which was a fantasy, right?

Noodle could feel the warm feeling spread through her body as she tried not to think about that last question that had popped into her mind. Had it been real? If it was, then 2D should tell her how he felt! He owed her an explanation! She convinced herself, stood to go give a certain singer a piece of her mind, but toppled over, landing on her face and giggling a little. She hoisted her small frame up to standing position and staggered down the hall to 2D's room. On her trip, she felt her stomach churn and suddenly didn't feel very well. She couldn't puke, though, that would be no good. So, when she got to 2D's door, her false happiness was replaced with a stomach ache and a very hightened gag-refelx. She knocked loudly on the door and leaned against the wall, a miserable frown on her face.

When the man opened his door, he looked shocked to see her, especially in such a state. Quickly, without a word, he gathered her in his arms, led her to the bed, and shut his door behind them. He couldn't help but notice how cute she looked in pink short-shorts and a black top with a large Hello Kitty logo across the chest. Aside from the adorable outfit, she looked like hell, he observed. It was probably whatever she had taken prior to ending up in his bed, which he planned on finding more about soon.

"Lil'Love, whatch doin' ou'side me door at 2am?" He wrapped a small blanket over her shoulders and studied her face a little. She looked like normal little Noodle, minus the bloodshot eyes and huge frown. After getting close enough to smell the vodka, he was relieved that she was only drunk, and not on something worse. "Ya scared me 'alf to death!" he babbled sleepily. Still, she said nothing, just looked at the ground. He sat back down next to her and she leaned up against his shoulder, completely incoherant. He sighed, and embraced her.

"I just wanted to be with you..." she slurred, feeling tears sting her eyes. "I wanted you to sing for me again." she added, feeling her stomach flip over itself.

2D stared at her, realizing how drunk she must have been. It made him sad.

"Noodle, Love...lets getchu back ta your own room..."

Drunken Noodle's lip started to quiver and she started sniffing. He was rejecting her again. But that's not why she might cry; no, she was so upset because she couldn't understand if this was actually happening or if it was a dream, or a fantasy, or a hullucination. She was so confused. The tears began to fall from her eyes and she buried her face in the only safe place she knew at the moment; 2D's bare chest.

He felt her hiccup and try to cry silently, little sobs escaping her lips every now and then but he didn't know what to do. One part of him wanted to pick her up and carry her back to her room when she could sleep off her drunken state, and the other part wanted to lay back down, pul her up next to him and sing to her until she was asleep. Both of those choices had unwanted consequenses, but when he felt his arms tighten around the small girl, he became lost in the feeling of protecting her. He knew he was the cause of her drinking and he felt guilty about it. She was such a fragile-looking little thing. He suddenly felt that he might break her if he held on any tighter. In his mind, however, he was wrestling with the idea of having a secret relationship with her. He would treat her the right way, but Russel and Murdoc wouldn't see it that way, and she didn't deserve to have to sneak around the only family she had ever known just so he could be happier.

While lost in his thoughts, 2D had failed to notice that she had fallen asleep in his arms. She was light as a feather, but he felt very sleepy; very emotionally drained. He lowered himself and Noodle back onto his bed and pulled the covers up to his hand with his foot to avoid waking her. The way she had fallen asleep left him on his back and her turned over so that her right hand rested on his chest. He decided it was a very comfortable position and he, too began to fall asleep. He figured they could talk in the morning, that he could explain why they couldn't be together in the morning. But, for right now, he greedily snuggled closer to her, smelled her violet locks, kissed her forhead; all while her even breaths fell on his chest. It was like a lulaby to him, and he felt a smile replace his weary expression. It was a melencholy feeling, this bitter-sweet taste he was getting. He thought if he just locked the door and never left, then they could be happy, but he knew life didn't work that way. Slowly, he closed his eyes, rested his head on top of hers and drifted into a peaceful sleep. Maybe one day, he thought, giving himself the false hope he secretly kept locked away.

Tomorrow would be the hard part, but for right now, he was happy...

Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews, guys!

:)

I hope this chapter was an okay continuation...any kind of constructive criticizm would be greatly appreciated.