Warning & Disclaimer: We do not own or ever will own anything from or having to do with Digimon. Do not sue. No money. On both sides. Shounen ai. Don't like, don't read.

I'm going to kill them. Oh yeah, slow and painful, torture. Yes, torture…I'll borrow a book from the library or something. Well, whatever I do to them it will so mean, so maniacal, so twisted and wicked, so good.

Yes, I will have my vengeance, Takaishi Takeru and Ichijouji Ken! You will feel my wrath!

"Daisuke, stop laughing so damn loud, I can't hear the TV!" Jun yelled as she threw the empty popcorn bowl at my head.

"'Neechan!" I cried back rubbing my head. "You messed up my evil plotting."

"Baka."

I decided to ignore my sister and continue with my evil plotting. But first I guess I should explain why I'm having murderous thoughts about my two best friends—a term I use loosely, mind you.

Well…once upon a time there was a lonely boy named Motomiya Daisuke. He was a calm—well, maybe not calm…Ahem. Let's try this again. He was a cool kick ass guy that everyone likes…don't look at me like that.

Fine! Ruin all my fun.

It'll all started like a week ago, I was in school, taking my notes…well not really, I was drawing little yetis chasing after clowns. But that's not what's important, is it?

I was in school, in class, on a perfectly good day for skating when the door opened. In walked this really dorky-looking kid, I mean dorkier then Jyou, Iori, and Koushiro combined! And to make him even dorkier he was wearing a shirt with the school colors on it—green and gold. And yes it had the school mascot, Babbaa the rambunctious lama on it too. I have no idea why it's called Babaa.

But anyway, he walked in and everyone was looking at him 'cause he was holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He bowed towards the teacher who only rolled her eyes and motioned for him to hurry up.

Now let me explain to you something. Our school is stupid, why because it's pretty much broke since it spends way to much money on textbooks and all that other school crap. So when the kids want to go on a trip or something there's no money. So how do they get the money for the school trips, dances and so on? No. The school store.

Ah yes the school store, a place where the nerds rule and do inventory and sell pocket protectors and all that crap. But they also sell candies, flowers and a few other normal things. And they deliver, so if a kid asked in advanced they could get flowers or some other token of affection delivered to their sweet heart in class. This is done all year 'round and all the time.

Watch as I barf.

So that's what this dork was doing. Delivering. Poor nerd.

"Is Motomiya Daisuke here." What the hell was he asking for me for? I don't have anyone and this crap is usually reserved for girls so that they can make all the other girls sick with envy. 'Oh look how much my boyfriend loves me!!' I think I'm going to barf…again.

"Daisuke!" Miyako screamed in surprised. She laughed and took hold of my hand waving it. "Look it's him, the one with the Afro!" Damn her. That's another person I have to kill. Inoue Miyako.

Anyway he kinda wobbled over to me with that kinda dorky walk. You know which one I'm talking about. And then he said to me, "I need you to sign for these." He shoved a clipboard under my nose. I looked to see who sent the accursed flowers while I signed the stupid paper at the same time. But the paper gave no indication what so ever. And before I could ask the dorky kid was already out the door.

"So who are they from?" Miyako asked me like the flowers were from her or something. Creepy thought isn't it.

I looked inside the card while Miyako was busy pawing at me trying to see over my shoulder. The damn card was blank except for this cheesy message. It read:

Dearest Daisuke,

You are my angel from the sky. You are my Adonis and I wish to be your Venus. When I see you the room becomes pastel and all I can see is you. You with your radiant smile and beautiful chocolate eyes…

I stopped reading it after that 'cause it was making me sick. Though I did skim down to the bottom to see who it was from, but found nothing. I was slightly miffed, I was hoping to kick the crap out of him or her for sending something so mushy and so cliché.

Adonis? Venus? Blah!

I looked at the flowers half-disgusted and half-amused. I mean, who ever had done it had put a lot of thought into it and no matter how cynical and sarcastic I can get, I'm not a complete jerk. It was a nice gesture.

Who ever it was had put a lot of thought into what flowers to send. There were the usual roses, which didn't interest me much. But there were also gladiolus, which not only was a lovely flower but it also meant splendid beauty. There were also chrysanthemum, meaning cheerfulness and optimism. And there were also Aster meaning elegance. It was a beautiful bouquet, the combinations of yellow greens, yellows, blue greens and reds was stunning. But not exactly something that would impress me, just something that would amuse me for about five minutes of my life.

Nice thought, too bad I didn't really care.

Miyako on the other hand…Well let's just say she had a look of disbelief, jealousy, and excitement mixed in one little package. I contemplated giving her the flowers, but then I decided against it. She might think I like her or something. That, my friends, is extremely bad. So I decided to give them to the teacher since I didn't feel like giving them to anyone else.

But before I could give them to the teacher, the dorky kid came in again looking for me. He was just in here so why does he have to ask the same question again!

"Ah, is Motomiya Daisuke here?" Duh! But again Miyako decided to raise my hand for me. She couldn't just leave me alone.

The dorky kid came over to me once again and this time he didn't give me flowers. He gave me something much more romantic—and that word is said with much contempt. It was a bear. And not just any bear, No, no no. This hideous creation was a white bear with these weird red heart prints on his chest like a Carebear™. He held this pillow that read: "I love you" with the sickening heart to replace the 'o' s. Now I usually like bears. You know they're cute, they kill and stuff. But this one I could not accept. However, this one also came with chocolates so I guess I could make an exception.

Of course, I was starting to hate that dorky kid for bringing me such disgusting stuff. I should add him to my list too.

Anyway, Miyako had that same look on her face. She acts like I wanted this stuff.

I opened the box to see the chocolates because at the time that was all I cared about. It's like free food. Do you know how good free food is?

I gave the bear to Miyako since she kept on cooing over how cute it looked and stuff. Girls. But I did make sure it was a friendly gift. I didn't want her getting any ideas.

Class went pretty quickly after that. Luckily, I received no more stupid gifts, but Miyako, Hikari and a bunch of other girls kept sending me notes asking me who it was. If I had known who it was I would have already kicked their butt! So I'm insensitive. Screw you, I was pissed.

I did calm down though, chocolate does that to me. So, when I left the class after the bell, everything was rosy…well as rosy as things get for me. Whatever. I was happily walking down the corridor to my next class—technology.

When…

"Daisuke-kun!" I heard from behind me. It was a little low at first but the sound began to get louder. "Daisuke-kun!" As I turned I saw a small blur in a sea of kids. The last thing I saw was a flash of blond then…GLOMP!

"DAISUKE-KUN!" I hit the floor like I was a soldier in a bomb raid. I looked up to see Takeru on top of me, rambling off about something or other.

My head hurt like Miyako just hit me with that huge mallet that I know all females have. Believe me, I was pissed. I tried to get Takeru's attention but failed at every attempt. "Takeru."

"Daisuke-kun, I'm so happy to see you."

"Takeru"

"Oh, I missed you this morning. I wanted to walk to school with you but you were gone."

What?

"Really Daisuke-kun, you should wait for me. You never know what lurks behind every cardboard box."

What?

"You being so cute and all. Do you know how many perverts would be trying to get you. I have to protect you."

What? Okay, the blond has lost his mind! It's official. And you know what pissed me off more. He still wasn't listening to me. Not to mention he was laying on my chest, in the middle of a semi-crowded hallway, and people were staring! I would have been blushing if it wasn't for my tanned skin. Regardless, it was embarrassing!

"Takeru!"

"And then the evil teddy bears would—huh? Yes, Daisuke?" He looked at me with those large, blue eyes and smiled at me. He was so cute, I was tempted to just to sit there and smile at him. Oh well.

"Takeru." I took a deep breath. "Get the fuck off!" I shoved him off and stood up dusting myself off.

But before I could yell at him for glomping me, Ken called me. I turned to see Ken come up right next to me. It was really funny too because as soon as he saw Takeru, they glared at each other like they were two alpha males fighting over a mate. I feel like a piece of meat. No worth. But that comes later. At the time I had no idea what Ken and Takeru were fighting about. And honestly I didn't care. They were more friends with me then with each other anyway, so them fighting wasn't all that big of a surprised.

"So did anything happen in class today?" Ken asked eyeing me. Why he asked that I had no idea.

"Nah." I casually responded and shrugged my shoulders.

"Are you sure?" He persisted. He eyed me like he was a GI trying to extract information from a prisoner who carried all the tactical information for the other side.

"Yeah! Did you?" Takeru asked jumping in. He'd been acting a little too strange for his own good, maybe he forgot to take his medicine or something.

"Nothing of any importance to me." I said casually as I walked to my next class. I knew they were staring I could feel it.

***

That was the most eventful thing that happened during school. Which of course means that stuff happened after school, because I never said it was the most eventful thing that happened all day. That was foreshadowing, but I don't think I need to tell you that.

Anyway after school I came home. I had nothing better to do. As soon as I got in Jun looked at me like I had taken her favorite lipstick and written on her mirror "Sora + Yamato 4ever" with a heart around it. But then again she always looks at me like that, so I ignored her. This is what makes us such loving siblings.

When I got to my room I never expected to see what I was about to see next. I pushed the door open and there stood Ken and Takeru in French maid outfits. But that's not what freaked me out. What freaked me out was that my room was a total mess. I didn't see my clothes on the floor. My socks weren't draped over my dresser anymore. Not to mention I couldn't find any of my books.

"W…What did you do?" I asked them. My voice was slightly shaky.

Takeru gave me one of those Duo Maxwell smiles and said cheerfully, "We cleaned your room."

"You…you what?" It was true. They had cleaned my room. It was clean, so clean it smelled of detergent…lemon fresh! My room was lemon fresh!

I was shaking with anger as I looked around the room. "I can see my floor!" I cried, "Where are they? What you do to them?"

"Them?" Ken asked. I looked at them and glared.

"Fluffy, Dusty, Lint-chan, and Killer." I cried, "Where are they?" Ken and Takeru just gave me odd looks, which annoyed me.

And then I noticed it, in Ken's hand was a Dustbuster™. I cried out and jumped to my feet, dashing towards them and knocking him over. I grabbed the Dustbuster™ and pressed it to my chest, hugging it fiercely.

"Oh my poor dustbunnies!" I cried. "Fluffy-tachi talk to me! Say you're alive!"

Ken and Takeru were looking at me strangely, like I was crazy or something. But they had no right to talk, they killed helpless dust. They were the crazed ones not me! I'm perfectly normal; it's the rest of the world that's insane!

"Are you okay, Daisuke?" Takeru asked.

"Killed…My…Friends." Rage filled my entire being. The flames from the depths of hell rose up from me. I swear that there must have been smoke pouring out of my nose. Which is very cool by the way. I would like to do it again if I had the chance.

Anyway, I was really angry and the first person I spotted was Ken.

"Ken!!" Whoa was that me. My voice sounded like rolling thunder, as if I was a bear fighting with another bear over the last salmon in the pond.

Ken cringed out right. "Y…yes…D…Daisuke?"

"Get Out Now!" I barked. Ken's eyes rolled backwards into his head and his face paled as he collapsed on my new spotless floor. So I decided to do the dirty work myself and flung him out my new spotless window. Oh, don't give me that look, my apartment's only two stories high and anyway, he fell into a hedge. Okay, so it was a thorny hedge, but he's alive! And since he was unconscious he didn't feel anything, so it's okay. I take care of my partners, even when trying to inflict pain on them. Yes, I'm that type of nice guy.

I turned and saw Takeru quivering in the corner. I kind of stalked towards him. However the pain I was about to inflict upon him was harder since he was still…um…conscious. I grabbed him and "kindly" escorted him to the garbage shoot. He had a damn good trip on the way down too, hope there wasn't a garbage truck down there.

I went back to my room and did some rearrangement to my room and it was back to normal. It took me about five seconds and that's cause I had to get some dirt from around the apartment. Then I went to conduct a proper burial for my buddies.

I still miss you, my friends…

After a while I had a sudden urge to go to The Cube. What is The Cube? Well funny you should ask. The Cube is this weird…um…cube thing that sits on its side, on this small piece of pavement in the middle of an intersection. It's supposed to be modern art or some crap like that. Anyway that's where a couple of my other friends and I hang out. You know us normal people.

As I was walking down the streets of Odaiba, I had this weird feeling as if something was following me. But every time I turned around I saw the same bush sitting about two yards from me. No I was not standing still. Now if I was the type of person that was paranoid…you know Daniel. I would think that the bush was following me. However since I'm not, and bushes cannot move by themselves or stalk people for that matter, I didn't think that.

It didn't take me that long to arrive and there they were—my friends. They saw and waved to me, we said hi and all that other stuff. So I guess I should tell you what they look like…or at least their names.

First, there's Soujiro. He's got blue hair done in these shibby spikes. Yes shibby is a word it's just…um not in the dictionary yet. Anyway he, at the time, was wearing a black T-shirt that said "do I look like a fucking people person to you?" and your usual black raver pants.

Next to Soujiro stands the guy that is ALWAYS next to Soujiro, Akira. He's this cute little brown haired fem-boy. He always wears the usual fem-boy clothes and since you know what that looks like I don't gotta tell.

Then there's Aki, the girl that could probably kick my ass. No wait, she can kick my ass. She's the type of girl that could eat a bear alive, take on alien invaders, or scare small children.

Those are my best friends, in this cliché. Well we hung out for a while just chillin' and talking, hanging with the other kids around there which I just don't feel like mentioning. It was your normal afternoon with society's 'rejects'.

"So then I fuckin' stood up and fuckin' looked into this fuck's eyes and said 'you wanna fuckin' start somethin' with me!' and he ran away in tears, the little fuckin' wuss. But that was after I broke his fuckin' pansy nose into fine fuckin' powder." That was my friend Aki. Isn't she a sweetheart?

"Wow man, remind me never to ask you out." I said after taking a long drag of my cigarette. She smiled at me.

"Nah man, your cool. You give me weed."

"And he's got a nice ass!" Akira piped in, breaking away from his boyfriend's mouth long enough not to take a breath but to compliment my ass. Boy is strange.

Suddenly this guy came up to us. Dude he was so high. He had this weird look on his face as if he was looking at you but wasn't looking at you. He's the leader of our little gang. But anyway he blurted out.

"Daisuke man, there's this green thing following you man." He giggled a little. "It's like green and leafy…yeah green and…DUDE!I think it's a bush!" He nodded, proud of himself. "Hey since when do bushes wear school uniforms? It's the man's doing. It's the man!"

What?

"First the man imprisons us in this bogus system, then he imprisons the bushes too. No one can escape, man! You should look out for yourself." He wanders away again.

So I turned around to find out what the hell this guy is talking about and I see Ken holding two twigs with an abnormally large amount of leaves on them. He has a big smile on his face…you know that smile you give when you know you've been caught doing something.

"Ken, what are you doing?"

"Um…Botany class."

"Botany class? Since when do we have botany class?"

"It's um…we take it next year!"

"Then why are you taking it now?"

"…" Ken gave me this thought expression. So that you know he's trying to think up a lie dumb quick. "See I'm a genius! So I'm advanced! Yeah! That's it!"

"Ken, there's no vegetation at The Cube." I said sweeping my hand in an arch, showing off that there was indeed nothing but a cube. "Just a cube. And some crackheads."

"Dude, Daisuke, don't doubt the genius!"

Insert sweatdrop here.

***

For the rest of the day, those two kept doing the weirdest shit. It was driving me up the wall! Constant following and when I got tired of them just following I made them come with me. Aren't I a nice guy? That was a bad idea, now that there wasn't anything stealthily involved, they started the squealing, glomping, and constantly bickering, like hens in a chicken coop.

It was completely and utterly irritating. Every once in a while I would tell them to shut up and they'd become civilized again but then it start all over again. Yes, I knew they liked me. Yes, I knew they had this alpha male thing going on. And yes, it was pissing me the fuck off.

So what did I do? Tell them to leave me alone? Try to make them understand my feelings in this? No, I left.

And so night fell on my strange and miserable day and I went to bed to get some sleep. Or at least I tried to…

At three in the morning my phone rang and rang…and rang. So you know what I did, I threw something at it. I must say I have pretty good aim to hit the phone in the dark with my eyes closed.

The phone fell off the base and hit the floor. I distinctly remember hearing a small voice from that corner of the room just calling my name over and over and over again until it drove me insane. So I made my way over to the phone and picked it up.

"Why the hell are you calling me at three in the fucking morning?" I growled at him. So what? I'm cranky when I get up in the morning, everyone is. "You better be calling to tell that you've been hit by a car while some alien slime buckets from planet Zarcoff are trying to probe you."

"Daisuke-kun!" Takeru chirped. Who the hell chirps at three in the morning?! "Get up."

"Why?"

"Just get up"

"I'm up."

"No you're not."

I Growl.

"I didn't tell you to growl I told you to get up."

Fine, so I got up.

"Now go to the balcony."

"Unnnn."

"Daisuke!" God his whinny little voice can be jarring.

"Okay!" So I go to the balcony and lo and behold I saw Takeru on the back lawn with a HUGE stereo system with, mind you, a microphone. A strobe light was hanging over his head and to this day I still can't figure out how he did that. He was dressed pretty good though. He had on khaki pants with a dark blue silk shirt, half unbuttoned. Wow! Takeru has muscles.

I stared at him for a few minutes, my sleep muddle mind not putting it together until he says, "This is for you, Daisuke-kun" and blows me a kiss. Then it hits and I groan.

Gods please no…

The music starts.

I'll be a good person, I swear, if you don't let this happen.

And so he sings.

I hate you…

And the strobe lights go on and he sings, but he doesn't just sing any old song. No, he sings Spice Girls music. Gods, kill me now.

Candle light and soul forever

A dream of you and me together

Say you believe it, say you believe it.

Now, there's something I have to tell you about Takeru. He's a straight A student, and captain of the basketball team, and great at just about everything that could make you really popular in school. But he can't sing to save his little blond butt. But it wouldn't do him any good anyway cause I'm gonna kill him…slowly.

So he sang, off key, to the Spice Girls' music. Every once in a while he'd crack…horribly. But there were certain things he'd say—

Cause tonight is the night when two become one

—where'd he say things and give me a look that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and not in the good way either. I swear he had winked at me when he said that one, I just gave him a funny look and flipped him off.

I had a little love, now I'm back for more

[wanna make love to ya, baby]

Hold it! Don't you dare give me that look! We have NEVER—and will NEVER—have sex! I glared at him really hard.

Are you as good as I remember, baby

Get it on, get it on

'Cause to night is the night, when two become one

Why did he keep doing that? I swear he thinks we really did have sex or something. How real are those fantasies to him?

I was given a moments peace when the musical interlude began. He didn't sing, so my ears were grateful, but he did dance. At least he's a good dancer.

Then it stopped, the music just stopped like someone pulled the plug. And I was about ready to thank whoever this blessed soul was, when I started hearing carnival music.

And there stood Ken, in all his kinky glory. He had on leather hot pants, which were tight around the crotch, which was huge. Dude! Ken's a tripod! No, that can't be…it's gotta be a sock. Til this day, I will forever swear it is a sock! But anyway, he was wearing a tight leather shirt. I could tell it was cold because I could see his nipples peeking at me. To top it off he had on fishnet stockings and thigh high six inch bitch boots…like he's not tall enough already……Wow.

You say it's been too long

Since you had some

How does he know that?…Anyway see the difference between Takeru and Ken was that Ken sang…good…very good. He has a really nice voice. Unfortunately he can't dance. He was doing the hustle…the hustle. Dude the hustle was from the seventies. The seventies.

Just say I turn you on

Like the fire that's burning inside

This is when the hip thrusts come in…and he puts one of his fingers in his mouth and drags it seductively down his chest to his crotch. Wow, never knew Ken had it in him…but then again it's always the quiet ones. The always have those little secrets and such.
Like before, there were certain verses that stuck out to me. This was one of them.
Me holdin' you down in my bed

He had the nerve to say that while wearing a hooker outfit complete with bitch boots. Me on the bottom. I think not!

At that moment Jun chose to wake up to complete the humiliation.

"What is going…" Jun started to say, but she caught the sight of Ken and just stared at him…bug eyed with shock. "…It's always the quiet ones."

But you know I can give it too you
I can't deny I do it right

She caught that line; then she blinked at Ken then turned and looked at me…and busted out laughing.

"Oh God…*snicker* I did not just hear that *gasps*…he's serenading you to *chokes* sex songs!" She continued laughing, clutching her stomach and making fun of the whole situation. She was no help what's so ever.

In the meantime Takeru was glaring at Ken like he really, really didn't like him…Give me a break it's three o'clock in the morning. Then he ran off and came back after like five second or so and started to sing. Oh, look, he got the plug back in. Greeeaaat.

And so I was bombarded by both songs, stupid cheesy sex lines coming at me from all sides and let's not forget Jun's laughter. I did catch on to something though, Ken wants to have wild monkey sex with me while Takeru wants to make sweet passionate love. God help them, I'm gonna kill them.

This went on for a while until someone called the cops and they ran for it. Good for them! Of course they blew kisses before they left. Well Takeru blew kisses, Ken did this really lewd thing with his tongue. I suppose in some circles that was a kiss.

And you know what was worse, I couldn't get those damn songs out of my fucking head! And Jun kept making fun of me.

So now I have come to the end of my story. Do you understand why I want to kill them? Can you see why they've driven me to these homicidal lengths? Sure they're my friends. Sure they're cute. But they have really pissed me off and now they must die!

Owari

Onward to the sequel!

Author's notes: Yes Takeru is singing Spice Girls' Two become One(which doesn't belong to us, mind you. Nor Give it to you by Jordan Knight). It's not just you. Ken's outfit…*cough*…it's what Gackt wear in one of his videos. *coughs*…you know.

Go here for the picture à http://community.webshots.com/photo/13467654/29692364UqcXyPlOOT

This is the prequel to Clueless, you know the story in the first chapter. The next, the sequel, will come when it comes. Only reason these aren't separated is cause we're lazy.