a/n: since some of you asked for it and I was in the mood to write angst!aishira (please don't kill me), anyway i'm quite positive that this will be the last angst i'm writing for them because, albeit how much i love this genre, i just feel like showering aishira with fluff and happiness bc they deserve the WHOLE WORLD. Anyway fair warning, this is twice sadder than aizawa's version in my opinion, IDK why but...yeah. Hope you enjoy this!
(i do cherish you,
for the rest of my life)
It was finally the day.
She wouldn't say that she dreaded this, in all honestly, she had been looking forward to this day for quite some time. She had braced herself for what is coming since months ago, preparing her heart for what is to come. This day will mark a new start, a beginning to a past she had to learn to let go.
Shiraishi Megumi was finally getting married, today.
It was a joyous occasion, an event of a lifetime worth celebrating. Still, there was a small part of her that wished it didn't have to end this way.
The man waiting at the end of the altar, she did love him. It would be a lie to say she didn't, because this was someone she had learned to love. It was just that, in a twisted reality she never would have expected, this man wasn't the one she had initially pictured she'd stand beside with when she thought of marriage years ago.
How could she, when her heart was already taken a long time ago, by Aizawa Kousaku?
The first time she met him, Shiraishi Megumi had been extremely confused. So much so that they hadn't spoken a word to each other.
As a busy medical student, Megumi has made it a point to visit the library on days where her lectures started in the afternoon. She had always sat at a corner table at the back, hidden from plain sight, and today wasn't any different. The only thing that struck her odd was when another student, possibly one of her batchmates, decided to sit at the same table she was occupying, taking up the empty seat opposite her. He didn't even glance at her direction, even when she looked around to see that there were plenty of other empty tables—why did he have to choose this one specifically?
Despite the obvious confusion, Megumi made some space for him, mildly embarrassed of her colourful pens and all the books scattered in front of her messily. When she looked into his direction again, he had taken out a notebook and a pen. Quietly, he began to write his notes, not paying any heed to her.
She frowned, wondering if she should say something. Maybe a hi, as an introduction? From the textbook he was referring to, it was clear that this young man was her batchmate. Strange enough, this was actually her first time seeing him, even though it has been a few months into their first year. But then again, Megumi thought to herself further, it wasn't like she was always out and about making new friends, anyway.
Megumi decided against talking to him in the end, not wanting to disturb him. She returned to her own book after that, resuming her work in silence.
Megumi would wonder, many years later, when she looked back at this memory of hers, that maybe, the silence in the air, the lack of communication, was a reflection of their entire relationship with each other.
She learned his name from her best friend, Hiyama Mihoko, even though technically, she has heard of his name countless times from Fujikawa Kazuo, her other friend. Of course, when the latter had mentioned his name, Megumi didn't know it belonged to the guy from the library. It was only when she bumped into him, when Mihoko said his name out loud, that it hit her.
Aizawa Kousaku, the young man who had intrigued her enough for her to want to know who he was. He was standing a few feet away from her, and she recognised him immediately upon settling her eyes on him when Kazuo called her name.
She had stared at him, momentarily at a lost for words because here he was again, and it was only when their eyes met that Megumi remembered how rude it was to stare, so she looked away. He was the one who had spoken to her first then, remembering her as the girl from the library, and Megumi had nodded in recognition.
But then he took his leave, never looking back. Though she was confused, Megumi didn't stop him. She only realised after he had disappeared around a corner that she had forgotten to introduce herself, again. This was starting to become a pattern—will they ever become friends?
Megumi was running a bit late today.
Her alarm hadn't gone off at its usual time, which was frustrating, considering she had a long list of notes to revise that morning before her classes. She reached the library 30 minutes later than her usual time, heart racing as she stopped to catch her breath. When Megumi made her way to the bookshelves, she found herself sighing, realising that the textbook she wanted to refer today was no longer at its spot. A quick check in the library system was enough to tell her that there was only one copy of that particular textbook, and since it wasn't on the shelf, someone must have taken it. Megumi felt her heart sinking.
It was then that she spotted the familiar figure sitting on the same table as her usual table. Megumi took a few steps forward, and immediately spotted the textbook she wanted to read, by his arm.
Oh, she bit her lower lip. The textbook was right in front of her, and she really needed to refer to some chapters in it, but…
"Good morning, Aizawa-san." Megumi finally greeted the man, who had glanced up from his notes to return her greeting. "Shiraishi-san." It surprised him slightly that he knew her name, but figured that, like her, he must have found out from Kazuo. She gingerly took her seat opposite him, but her mind was still occupied with ways on how to politely ask him for that textbook he was holding onto.
He must have caught on to her internal battle, because Aizawa asked her if she needed something, clearly aware that something was amiss with her that morning. Megumi, somewhat shy but pushing herself to continue, hesitantly pointed at the textbook. She was quick to add that he could use the textbook first, but he brushed that aside easily and suggested they share. Megumi couldn't hide the shock that was appearing on her face, eyebrows furrowed together as she immediately felt embarrassed at that thought. She contemplated for a few seconds, not quite knowing what to do. It was only when he insisted that she gave in, breaking into a shy grin while blushing slightly.
"T-thank you, Aizawa-san!"
There was an unexplained warmth in her heart, her cheeks glowing with shyness. They were just sharing a textbook, nothing out of the particular, but to Megumi, it meant something more. It was a start to a friendship, a progress from the last time she met him.
"Do you like Aizawa?"
Megumi nearly choke on her drink the second she heard that question coming out of Mihoko's mouth. She coughed rapidly, trying desperately to hide her glowing cheeks. "What?" She managed to stammer out after a few seconds.
Mihoko shrugged nonchalantly, biting onto an ice she had popped into her mouth. "I mean…" She paused, looking at her friend. "You're spending almost every day with him in the library."
"That's because we're studying together." Megumi was quick to offer an explanation, her heart skipping a few beats. "We're just library mates, that's all."
"Sure, whatever. Can you pass me that tissue please?" Mihoko had moved to another topic easily, no longer interested in what she had asked her friend. Megumi did as she requested, relieved that her friend didn't press on to her line of questioning.
As if a switch has been flipped in her mind, it did get her to wonder, though. That night, when Megumi was trying to fall asleep, her thoughts were tangled with myriad of uncertainties, questions she didn't have answers to. Kousaku was just a friend, right? They've only just became friends for a week or so. It would be crazy to think of him otherwise. Still, Mihoko was right in that they've spent almost every day studying together in the library, sometimes even going out for lunch together. She couldn't possibly think of him in another sense…right?
Definitely not, Megumi chided herself, embarrassed she was even thinking of Kousaku like this at such an ungodly hour.
There was an assignment from her professor today, who was kind enough to inform beforehand through an email that it would be an assignment done in pairs, selected based on seating arrangement in lecture that morning.
Normally, Megumi would team up with Mihoko for assignments done in pairs, seeing as to how they were friends and were comfortable with each other's work ethics. But when she arrived in lecture that day and saw that Mihoko had sat beside Kazuo (much to her surprise), Megumi was momentarily stunned; she wasn't sure what to do.
Mihoko waved her over to where she sat, a sheepish smile given as an apology. But then, Mihoko suggested the unthinkable, and suddenly, Megumi was sure her friend had teamed up with Kazuo on purpose.
"I mean, you could always work with Aizawa, right?" Mihoko whispered, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Mihoko!" Megumi hissed beneath her breath, which her friend returned with a cackle of her own. Megumi had assumed Mihoko had forgotten all about that after the other day, but it was clear that the latter had her own secret agenda up her sleeves.
"If you're finding for Aizawa, he's sitting up there," Kazuo had pointed to the back, bearing an all too similar expression like Mihoko's. Wanting to save herself from further embarrassment, Megumi quickly made her way up towards the back, cursing inwardly at this betrayal. She managed to calm herself though, the moment her eyes landed on him sitting alone at the last row.
"Oh?" Megumi stopped right beside his table, a little flustered, but a smile gradually found its way to her lips. "I guess we're partners, then?"
"I guess so." Kousaku replied with a slight smile. She had already sat on the empty seat beside him. "Looks like I finally have a competent partner to work with." He added, and immediately, Megumi could feel herself blushing.
It was after the lecture ended when Kousaku asked her why she wasn't seated in her usual spot at the front, today. She gave a tiny squeak, realising two things immediately; one, he knew where she usually sits in lectures; and two, she couldn't possibly tell him it was because of their two friends scheming against them now, could she?
But luckily for her, Mihoko did one thing right today, which was to call for her and interrupt their conversation. "Do you want to eat ramen for lunch today? Or soba? I have this odd craving for both." Pause. "Hey, Aizawa-san, do you want to—"
"O-oh, I'm fine with either!" Megumi quickly interjected, knowing what her friend was about to do. "Maybe we can eat ramen today and soba, tomorrow!" She said while taking steps towards Mihoko. Megumi turned sideways, a faint tinge of pink on her cheeks as she waved goodbye to Kousaku.
And then she was off, grabbing Mihoko's arm and pulling her away before she could give her friend another chance of inviting Kousaku out for lunch with them.
Megumi didn't know why her heart was racing so quickly, or why her cheeks were now as red as a tomato. All she knew that being around Kousaku sent butterflies into her stomach, her heart thundering beneath her chest.
When Mihoko crashed her room with an invitation to drag her along to a party, Megumi had been quick to decline, saying that she had tutorials to finish. Mihoko had rolled her eyes good-naturedly, paused, before casually adding that Kazuo was going to the party, too.
Megumi didn't know why her friend thought telling her that would change her decision, but it was when their eyes met, Mihoko smirking, that made her understood the implication behind her words. Megumi could feel her cheeks heating, though she refused to admit out loud the reason why.
"I'll leave in half an hour." Mihoko casually announced. She didn't need to say anything else before she gave another all knowing look at the quiet female and retreated from her room.
She decided ten minutes after that she was going to join Mihoko, reasoning to herself that it was about time she attended a party, just to see what the hype was all about, and to maybe live her life as a university student. She convinced herself that it wasn't because of anything (or anyone) else.
At the party though, Megumi came to an awkward conclusion that she probably stuck out like a sore thumb. It was way too loud for her liking, way too crowded for her to move freely, plus she didn't quite fancy drinking, so she somehow ended up pressed against the wall helplessly at a corner. Mihoko had disappeared to god knows where, and she didn't know anyone else in the room.
Which was why when she saw the familiar face approaching her from afar, Megumi's face had lighted up, relieved to finally see someone she knew.
"What a surprise seeing you here at this party," She shouted towards his direction, though she wasn't sure if the music had drowned her voice. "This is madness, it's so loud in here, isn't it?"
And then Kousaku gestured they go outside, both expelling sighs of relief to be able to finally bask in fresh air and peace. "Please remind me never to attend parties again." She announced with a shudder, her ears still ringing from the very loud music in the party. "Mihoko said it would be fun, so I decided to tag along but…"
It was a partial lie, of course. Mihoko never mentioned anything about the party being fun, but Kousaku didn't have to know that.
They exchanged a short conversation before walking back in silence. Not knowing what else to say, Megumi decided to ask him something they were familiar with, an online quiz. It took her a few more seconds to realise how utterly lame it was for her to speak of something academic related on a Friday night, so she gave a nervous laugh and apologised for boring him.
"Oh no, it's okay. I quite like it, actually." Kousaku's reply surprised her. "I mean, where else can you actually discuss things with the number one student of our batch?"
She could feel her ears turning pink. This was the first time a guy ever complimented her without having the need to tease her for being studious. It was an odd feeling, to be honest, but it was a feeling she welcomed with a flutter of her heart. Though it didn't make sense to her, Megumi knew that she was happy. Just walking beside him in comfortable silence, it was enough for her. She didn't need anything more.
That night, after Kousaku sent her off safely to her hostel, a sudden realisation began to dawn in Megumi's mind.
Mihoko was right. She liked him. She liked Kousaku.
Admitting it in her head was enough to send her into a frenzy of emotions. No one was in her room, but Megumi had covered her face with one pillow and grinned into it. She then decided that she wasn't going to let Mihoko know, lest she wanted to be teased for the rest of her life. For now, she was contented with just being his close friend.
When Megumi recounted this memory years later, she would realise that this was her first mistake. For thinking that she was completely fine with just being his friend. Because she would only have realised much later, that being contented alone did not give her the courage to redefine their relationship, to cross the line they have carefully drawn between them. Megumi had told herself that it was for the best that she didn't tell him her feelings, in fear she might lose him as a friend.
She couldn't possibly have known that this decision of hers would lead to her not just losing him in the end, but losing part of her heart in the process.
In a blink of an eye, they were graduating three years later, bound for separate paths. The countless days and nights spent together, coffees and meals eaten together—they weren't going to mean anything soon, for they were parting following their own separate ways.
"Megumi, I'm telling you that it is now or never." Mihoko advised plainly, the night before their graduation ceremony. She was lying on Megumi's bed, staring at the ceiling when she suddenly had that urge to say that sentence.
"What do you mean?" Megumi asked, not quite sure what her friend was telling her. Mihoko propped herself up with an elbow, now looking at Megumi.
"You know what I mean." She rolled her eyes, noticing how Megumi had turned red from that implication. "I've watched you push and pull for so long. This is your only time left."
"I don't understand." Megumi feigned ignorance, but Mihoko merely sighed and continued, "I don't want you to regret not telling him how you feel. You've liked him for so long."
Megumi kept mum.
"You should tell him, Megumi."
"Don't you think it's a bit too late?"
"Better late than never." Mihoko chuckled. "I've seen the way he looks at you. He definitely likes you back."
It really was what Mihoko said that got Megumi to muster enough courage to even think about that topic, let alone say it out loud to the receiving party. She had run through the scenario countless times in her head that night, the many possible outcomes of her confession. The next day, after the ceremony was over, Megumi searched in the crowd for Kousaku, finally spotting him amongst the sea of people.
She took a deep breath before making her way towards him. Mihoko was right, it really was now or never.
"All the best in everything you do after this, Aizawa-san!" She said as brightly as she could to hide the fact that she was extremely nervous. "When you become a famous doctor in the future, you won't forget about me, right?"
Kousaku had scoffed at that, shaking his head. "I could say the same about you, Shiraishi-san."
For some reason she couldn't explain, hearing that warmed her heart. It gave her that strength to proceed with what she had initially planned, the reason why she approached him that day. "Aizawa-san," She started slowly, nerves coming back to her. "There is something I want to tell you, before we leave."
"Oh." She heard him say. "What is it?"
"Umm, I…" She was stammering, her heart beating loudly against her chest as she found it difficult to look at the man standing in front of her. But Mihoko's words rang in her mind, and she found the courage to raise her head so that their eyes could meet. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, pushing it down so that the words that have been replaying themselves over and over in her head could emerge from her mouth. "I think I—"
And then she heard someone calling her name loudly from the back. By reflex, she stopped talking, turning to the direction of the voice—their class rep, asking for them to come over to take a final group photo. Her heart was still hammering, but suddenly, just like that, that moment was over—she could no longer find the courage to continue. Instead, she waved back, shouting coming! when all she wanted to do was to run away and hide, never showing her face to him because why am I such a coward?
Megumi went ahead towards her batchmates, spotting her friends huddled together. She had wanted to avoid looking at Mihoko, but their eyes eventually met. Megumi could see the gleam behind her friend's eyes, asking if she managed to tell Kousaku how she really felt about him.
When Megumi didn't reply, didn't nod, Mihoko's face fell ever so slightly. It was then, seeing the disappointment on her best friend's face, that Megumi thought she should just forget about it.
Maybe it was time to give up.
In between long working hours and barely having time for herself, Megumi had not thought of Kousaku for the longest of time. She still kept in touch with Mihoko, of course, who was posted to a nearby hospital where she was working. But other than Mihoko, there really was no remnants of anything (or anyone) else that reminded her of her university days.
Her father had fallen sick, and that had broke her heart into bits and pieces. When her father expressed his wish to her, it was then that Megumi found herself thinking of that one man she has not heard or seen in years, wondering if he was all right, if he was doing well. (He probably was).
"Before I die," Her father had started, and Megumi had grimaced at that. She didn't want to think about that possibility yet, even though it was becoming painfully obvious. "I want to send you off to a trustworthy man, someone who could take care of you."
It was an innocent, heartfelt wish from a father to his only daughter. Megumi didn't have the heart to tell him that she wasn't ready yet, that she barely even have time for herself, let alone for a partner. But then her mother chimed in from the kitchen, asking her to be open minded and to give this man, a son of one of her father's close friends, a chance first. They could just be friends, get to know each other first, was all her parents were asking for.
Megumi eventually agreed, what did she have to lose, anyway?
She didn't expect this day to happen, but fate always had its own way of proving her wrong. Megumi was attending a medical conference as a representative of her hospital when she first spotted Kousaku from afar. Just like that, she could feel her breath hitching, suddenly forgetting how to breathe as memories of her past began to flood her mind, so much that she almost knocked into another person beside her.
It was awkward at first, both not knowing what to say after all those lost years of being apart from each other. It didn't help that their days in medical school consisted of more actions than words to begin with. Both of them never were the best when it comes to words, after all.
But Megumi willed herself to ask him out for dinner. She didn't know what had gotten over her, only that she had been glad to see him again, to know that he was doing well. It shouldn't be wrong to want to reconnect with an old friend, right?
Kousaku accepted her invitation almost instantaneously, saying it would be nice. The warmth she hadn't felt in a long time engulfed her, and she felt herself blushing. They exchanged numbers, agreeing to meet soon for dinner. Then she left, and the moment she was out from his view, Megumi covered her mouth and let out a small scream, unable to contain her excitement.
The butterflies she had long forgotten were slowly making their way back into her stomach; slowly but surely.
Maybe this time, she could muster enough courage to say what she had failed to convey before. Maybe this time, they could finally work.
Then her father passed away.
And suddenly, Megumi was forced to put reconnecting with her lost friend at the back of her mind. How could she, when the person she had looked up the most to, the person she so dearly loved with her entire life, was no longer around?
Kousaku came for the funeral, even though she didn't expect him to. He was silent most of the time, only approaching her when most guests have gone home. Megumi saw him approaching, so she gave him a curt bow and thanked him for coming all the way to her hometown.
"How are you coping?" She heard him ask, and suddenly, she could feel the wall she had built around her heart crumbling. Her bravery in dealing with this; it was all a facade, a brave front put in an attempt to ease her mother's sadness over the loss of her husband.
"I'm fine." She hadn't shed a single tear since her father passed away, but she could feel herself choking up as tears began to well on her eyelids. "We were expecting it. I just wish it wasn't so soon."
It was when Kousaku assured her that it was all right to cry, that Megumi finally allowed herself to. Silent tears streamed down her eyes as she edged closer into his embrace. They didn't say anything else to each other.
He took his leave after making sure she would be all right. To her, it was another opportunity missed. Megumi could only smile to herself as she watched his retreating back, the sharp pain settling in her heart, a feeling she had grown accustomed to. She was beginning to accept that perhaps this was the universe's way of telling her that they just weren't meant to be.
Two years later, a marriage proposal came from the man her parents had set her up with before.
She didn't quite know what to make of it, though deep down, she knew it was bound to happen. She wasn't getting any younger, so was her mother, who had finally gotten some colours back on her cheeks, excited and moving about in pure joy that her only daughter was finally going to marry.
Megumi didn't even remember saying yes, but she had no heart to tell her mother otherwise. She was finally back to being the mother she knew, enthusiastically fixing her marriage date and planning her entire wedding for her. Megumi knew that this was her mother's way of coping, to finally come in terms and put her father's death behind her. Her mother had grieved for far too long, but finally there was something lighter and more positive that she could look forward to.
The man she was about to marry, Yamato-san, was a nice person. In the two years of knowing him, he had treated her with utmost adoration and care, even when her schedules as a doctor disrupted most of their dates together. Even when she hadn't return his affection as much as she should have, he remained kind, loving, and patient, everything that Megumi could have hoped for in a man she was about to share her entire life with. In time, she had grown to love him, too.
It didn't stop her from thinking just how selfish she was, though. Because despite all those years passing by with no progress ever made at all, Megumi knew that deep down, her love for Yamato could never rival that of her love for Kousaku.
But she wasn't going to be with Kousaku, no matter how much she longed for a different outcome. All she needed to do now was to accept this fate of hers. It was time to let go.
When Megumi told Mihoko she was going to get married, the latter had been silent for a long time over the phone. There were no need for words, for Megumi knew why her friend had suddenly became mute.
"Are you sure?" Mihoko eventually asked softly, her tone hesitant and careful. It was clear that she was tip-toeing around eggshells, bringing up a topic from the past that had long been forgotten.
"It's time to move on." was all Megumi had to say in return.
Megumi met Kousaku again, though no longer for reasons she had previously hoped for. This time, it was to personally hand him her wedding invitation card, and some parts of her thought it was also for her to obtain a much needed closure.
He congratulated her, of course, an awkward, forced smile on his face. Her heart began to ache. She couldn't look at him.
"It's okay if you can't make it. I understand that you're really busy." She whispered, eyes trained on the cup of tea in her hands.
"I'll come, for sure." She heard him say.
"Great." Megumi responded, a wave of mixed emotions crashing into her. She stole a glance at the man sitting in front of her, bearing an expression she couldn't decipher. If only she could read what was going through his mind. If only she could understand him better.
"Can I ask you something?" He continued after a while, there was a change in his tone that jolted Megumi out from her trance. Her heart skipped a beat, but she nodded for him to continue.
"This guy you're marrying…you love him?"
Megumi's reply came a few seconds late, her voice soft, measured. "Of course." It wasn't exactly a lie, after all.
"That's great. I'm happy for you, then."
Hearing him say that, Megumi had a sudden urge to say something. She wanted to ask him if that was truly what he felt. There was an unexplained agony that was riding onto her heart, wanting to claw its way out of her throat. Megumi wanted to look at him straight in the eyes and tell him, no, ask him, if this was what he truly wanted for her.
But this feeling came and went in a split second. She swallowed the bitter pill that had latched itself onto her throat, pushing it down and locking it tightly in the deepest part of her heart. Megumi said nothing in the end.
"Shiraishi-san."
He called out to her again, this time a bit hesitantly. She saw the look he was giving her, the way his eyebrows were knitted together, the dark and sombre expression he was bearing on his face to a supposedly joyous news. This was an all too familiar sight for her, but Megumi couldn't place a finger on where she has seen this look.
"It's okay, Aizawa-san." It hit her right there and then, without warning, without explanation. His expression, the way he was looking at her, it was familiar because it mirrored that of hers. "You don't have to say anything. I know."
And she really did know. The constant battle in both of their hearts. She knew. Before she could stop herself, Megumi felt herself tearing up.
This was it. This was their goodbye.
"But I'm still…you know I'm still happy for…" Kousaku was struggling with his words, and Megumi couldn't find it in her heart to blame him. She had struggled for many years with her words, too. Never once had she had the courage to say what she truly meant.
"I know, Aizawa-san." She forced herself to put on the biggest smile she could muster. "I know."
The smile didn't reach her eyes.
"Do you love Aizawa that much?"
The world could stop spinning, birds could stop singing. The only thing Shiraishi Megumi was sure of in this life of hers, the only constant factor that would remain unchanged for as long as she lived, was her love for Aizawa Kousaku.
This was the first man she had fallen in love with. The man she would gladly go to the ends of the world for. But even so, Megumi understood it as early as she began to realise her feelings for him, that even if she was so sure of how she felt for him, the fact was still clear; not everything was meant to be. That was life.
Perhaps it would take her a couple of months to truly get over him. A few years, that was another possibility. Perhaps never, she really didn't know.
Megumi reckoned she would be fine, though. Maybe in another life, she would get her happy ending. Maybe in another life, she would finally be able to be with him.
"Yes, yes I do."
(fin)
a/n: The idea of this entire story is based really on the premise of how sometimes, soulmates just do not end up with each other. It could be because of many missed opportunities, miscommunications, or just both of them not wanting to risk anything. It's really tragic but it's also life, unfortunately. Anyhow, I hope you liked it, whoever that is still reading, especially for keeping up with this sad, sad fic. Thank you so much for your kudos/comments!