I couldn't believe it. This never should have happened. You were always so strong. At times, I really believed you were invincible. How did it come to this? I prayed to Kami-sama that this was all just a dream, but every time I looked at you, I knew this was real.
You were shot…protecting me.
Why, Fate-chan? Why did you jump in front of me?
I shouldn't have asked that. I already know why. It's because you love me, right? You knew I would have done the same for you for the same reason. You were always faster than me. No one could keep up with you. You moved in front of me at the last moment to make sure I didn't get in front of you. You wanted to make sure I wouldn't be hurt.
But I was hurt, Fate-chan.
Watching you suffer; watching you bleed and being too shocked to do anything about it. I could have – no, I should have helped you. How many times have we gone through training in case of a situation just like this? Even then, I froze. If I had acted quickly, you wouldn't be sleeping. You wouldn't be hooked up to these machines. We would be at home right now, eating dinner with Vivio, laughing at some silly show on TV, then go back to our room and cuddle as we fell asleep.
This is my fault.
You always tell me that I'm strong, but I'm really weak, you know? It's only when you're with me that I can do my best. Even with everyone else around me, I feel so alone and useless if you aren't by my side. I wonder when I truly became so enamored with you that I became so weak if you weren't with me.
Please, wake up.
I held your hand between mine, sobbing once again. It was always like this. I came to see you every day, and every day I did the same thing. I sat by your bed and held your hand, praying that this was a dream, and then praying that you would wake up. Every night, the nurses would all but drag me out of the room when visiting hours were over. I was reluctant at first. I didn't want to leave your side. Eventually, I realized that I still had to take care of Vivio. I couldn't keep being selfish.
I had never realized how much stronger than me Vivio was.
For the first few days, she was here with me, crying by your side. I know I should have been stronger for her sake, but I couldn't do it. I failed as your wife and as her mother. She became more independent. She started cooking her own meals, doing her schoolwork without any help, she started working at a part-time job, and she even got her license. She was much more mature than I had given her credit for.
Even while you're in this state, she could be strong while I could only cry.
I quit my job, Fate-chan. What right did I have to use magic? The person I wanted to protect the most nearly died right before my eyes, and I couldn't do anything. How could I teach others to use magic to protect their loved ones when I couldn't use it protect my own? I was a failure that didn't deserve something like magic. Would you be disappointed in me? I'm sure you would scold me. You wouldn't like to see me giving up.
The only thing I could never give up on is you.
The weeks slowly drifted by and eventually months had passed. Your condition never changed. You slept through winter like a bear that was hibernating. It's already spring, Fate-chan, so shouldn't you be waking up by now? It's already May. Vivio has already started her last year of high school. She'll be graduating soon. I'm sure she'd love it if you were awake by then.
I know you'll wake up long before then, right? I'm really selfish. I don't want to live in a world if you're not in it. That's why I still had hope that you would wake up any day now.
But you never did.
I wonder how many months I spent sitting by you. Our friends had practically stopped coming to see you by now. At first, everyone had come to see you almost every day. We all believed that you would only be out for a week at the most. Eventually, that one week became two, and soon it was three. One by one, our friends stopped coming. Other than the rare visits from Hayate or Chrono, it seemed that no one would be coming anymore. It felt as if they had all given up hope on you.
I still believe in you.
Perhaps it's just me being selfish, but I truly believe that you'll wake up one day. You'll probably have to go through physical therapy once you wake up. You haven't walked for quite some time, you know? I bet you'll feel pretty stiff when you open your eyes. Don't worry. I'll be with you through it all.
Will you call me clingy? I probably am, so go right ahead. Once you wake up, I'll probably never let you leave my side again. The thought of looking to my side and seeing you aren't there haunts me. Thinking about it now would probably make me cry if I weren't already sobbing.
Eventually, even the doctors had given up on you. Perhaps they had never had as much faith in you as they had let on in the beginning? I wanted to hate them for even suggesting that you wouldn't make it. As much as I tried, I couldn't do it. I couldn't blame them for not expecting any changes. Was my selfishness the only thing that was keeping you hooked up to all these machines?
Every time the doctors talked to me about pulling the plug I would reject the idea. Was it wrong for me to keep you alive? Should I just accept the fact that you're not going to wake up and move on?
No.
I'm sorry, Fate-chan. I really am selfish. I refuse to believe that you're really going to die. I'm just causing you trouble at this point, aren't I? Maybe you're in there somewhere, screaming at me to let you pass on. I'm horrible, but I'm also desperate. You'll wake up one day. I know you will! Please?
I'll never stop believing that you'll wake up, even when the doctors say your condition has worsened.
Today was just like every other day. The room was mostly quiet with the exception of the repetitive beeping and the occasional sobbing. Most people would have surely run out of tears by now, wouldn't they? I sat by your side as always, resting my head on your bed and praying that you would wake up soon. I wonder what you would think if you saw me now. I was probably an absolute mess. Today seemed like every other day where nothing would change. I was certain that I would just be sitting here like this until it was time to leave. I was certain, until I heard it.
A chuckle.
It was weak, but I would recognize that laugh anywhere. I could never mistake that sound for anyone else.
I immediately looked up at you. My gaze locked on to those beautiful crimson eyes that I hadn't seen in Kami knows how many months.
"Fate-chan!" I cried out as I suddenly lunged at you. I couldn't believe my eyes. You were really awake! You were alive! It was unbelievable until you hugged me back. This is really happening. It's not a dream or a sick delusion. You were in my arms and I was in yours. I had missed this embrace far more than I could have possibly imagined.
"How…?" I could hear you speaking weakly. You had been asleep for months, so of course your throat was probably dry.
"I'm sorry!" I apologized as I held her tightly, so afraid that letting you go would cause you to slip away for good. I didn't want to lose you again. "I'm so sorry. It was all my fault. You got shot protecting me. I'm so sorry Fate-chan!" I wondered if you would ever forgive me for causing you all this pain. You shouldn't have had to go through this because of me.
I felt your arms slip away from the hug. Before I could say anything, you placed your hand on my face and kissed me. When you pulled away, I just looked at you in disbelief. This was real.
"I love you." The words were hard to hear, and it sounded as if it was difficult to say, but it was the greatest thing I had heard in a long time. I hugged you again, wanting to never let go. I missed this feeling so much.
Your kiss.
Your touch.
Your warmth.
Your love.
I had never realized how much I had come to depend on all of these until now. I realized it as I sat by your side these past few months. No matter how strong everyone thought I was, I'm really quite weak.
I can't live without you.
Please, don't ever think that it's okay to die for me. Without you by my side, I'm already dead.
I never want to lose you again.
I love you, Fate.