Chapter 2: Look but Do Not Shag

Pansy tapped her glass with a knife, addressing the whole group as they quieted. "You all know how it works," she announced. "Everyone answers the same question and everyone takes a drink after answering." She cleared her throat. "Our first question of the evening: What really sexy boy—"

"Or girl!" Millie Bulstrode and Susan Bones shouted together.

"Or girl," Pansy added "would you never, ever go to bed with, and why."

"That's easy," said Hermione. "Draco Malfoy."

"Even easier, Harry Potter," Daphne Greengrass shot back, her eyes glinting.

"So, Daph," Pansy said briskly, "what's hot about Potter and why would you never shag him?"

"He's unique. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, Destined Destroyer of the Dark Lord, Savior of the Wizarding World. The ultimate trophy." She swallowed her drink. "Nice bum, too."

"To Harry Potter's bum," cried Hannah Abbot. They all laughed, and drank another round. Millie signaled Aberforth for more vodka.

"And you'd never actually sleep with him because..."

"He's Harry Potter, Savior of the bloody Wizarding World, heroic Gryffindor do-gooder, beautiful blue-eyed ("Green-eyed," said Hermione under her breath.) twit!"

"With a nice bum," said Hannah Abbot.

"With a nice bum," Daphne agreed. "Takes himself too seriously. Probably never had a kinky thought in his life." She looked questioningly at the three Gryffindors.

"Don't ask me," said Lavender. "I don't think Ron ever has, but—"

"Absolutely Ron never has," said Hermione with more emphasis than she intended. A few girls snickered. "But Harry—" She tilted her head, tapping her index finger to her lips. "I don't know. Harry can be strange sometimes. I wouldn't put it past him."

"And how would you go about seducing him, Daph?" Pansy asked.

"Seducing him?"

"That was supposed to be part of the original question."

"All right, then. Seducing Harry Potter." She paused, thinking. "I'd hire some actors to dress up as Death Eaters. They'd kidnap me and threaten to Cruciate me if I didn't tell them everything I know about—"

"About Harry's bum." said Hannah.

"Abbot, what is this fixation you have with Potter's behind? It's nice enough but doesn't come close to Malfoy's or Zabini's. Anyway, the Boy With the Bum gets all guilty because everything in the world involving Death Eaters is his fault, and he comes to my rescue." She paused again, then added, "Riding a dragon."

"Not his Firebolt?" Mandy asked. She was a Ravenclaw Chaser.

"A dragon. Hungarian Horntail," said Daphne. "It's sexier."

Hermione said, "You know, I think that would actually work."

"Granger!" Pansy shifted focus. She tried to look threatening and didn't quite make it. "So. Draco Malfoy. My boyfriend."

"Whom I'd never touch—"

"Except with a good right jab," Megan Jones said. The Hufflepuff girl's long-standing interest in hand-to-hand combat belied her House's reputation for mildness.

"It was a right cross," Hermione corrected her. She thought for a moment. "Let's see, why is Malfoy sexy? He has a nice enough body—and yes, a better behind than Harry's." She nodded at Daphne. "Keeps in shape. Slender: I really like that."

"Not tall, though," said Mandy

"I don't go for tall, necessarily. It's nice to have someone I can reach."

Mandy said, "A Seeker's body."

Hermione thought for another moment, still not certain. "It's not so much his body, though. Have you ever noticed Draco's hands?" she asked. "Those long pale fingers? I've watched him in Potions, preparing the ingredients. He can do a lot with those hands." Her tone was quietly reflective.

Pansy said angrily, "Those hands aren't coming anywhere near you, mu—Granger. They belong to me."

Hermione lifted her eyebrows at the Slytherin girl. She knew what Pansy had just avoided saying, but decided it wasn't worth breaking the Girls' Night Truce. She settled for asking, "Does he have anything else that's long and slender, Parkinson?"

Pansy scowled and said nothing. Hermione went on, "But what I really like is that he's smart. He'd be brilliant if he'd just put some work into it instead of getting by on his name and connections. He and I have been playing Smartest Girl versus Smartest Boy in Potions ever since first year."

"Why don't you want to sleep with him, then?" Daphne asked.

"You mean besides the fact that he's bent?"

Pansy shouted, "He is not!"

Susan said, "Hey, Parkinson, Hannah's not the only one who's always watching Harry's—"

"Draco is not gay!"

Hermione ignored the argument, "Anyway, the real reason I won't shag Malfoy is that damned smug arrogance of his. If he had any idea what a turn-off that is to a woman with even the slightest bit of intelligence..."

Pansy thought she'd been insulted but was not quite certain.

Su Li asked, "So how would you seduce him?"

Hermione smiled and swallowed her drink. "Tie him to the bedposts, spread-eagled. With silk scarves."

"Silk scarves!" Daphne sounded as if she wished she'd thought of it herself.

"I don't want to damage that beautiful skin with ropes, so I'll use scarves. Scarves in Gryffindor colors."

Millie hooted with laughter, but Pansy was outraged. "Slytherins are always on top!"

Daphne and Tracey looked at each other. Tracey made a gesture conceding the floor, and Daphne raised a contemptuous eyebrow. "Don't be absurd, Pans," she said.

Sally-Anne agreed. "Really, Parkinson! All Slytherins? I have personal experience with Adrian Pucey, and—"

"And I have personal experience with Draco Malboy—Malfoy!—and he's always dominant, in everything. Everyone knows that. He works at it all the time."

"Works a sight too hard if you ask me," said Hermione. "He struggles, you can see it. He wants to be like his father, controlling and terrorizing everyone, but he doesn't have what it takes. He can't do it and it's driving him crazy."

"She's right, you know," said Millie. Some of the other girls nodded.

"It must be exhausting for him. I think if he could just allow himself to drop the whole dominance act, he'd really like to have someone else take over for a while. He could relax and enjoy himself, because he wouldn't have anything to live up to."

Lavender gave Hermione a questioning look.

"If you're not in charge you can't fail. Seriously, I think he'd love it."

"You should mention it to Potter," Daphne said, with surprising sincerity.

Pansy looked angry, but made no comment. She'd never been known for her quick wit, and her state of drunkenness was keeping her about two steps behind the conversation. "Ravenclaw's turn," she said grimly. "Lisa—"

"I'll be brief," Lisa Turpin declared. "Gregory Goyle."

"Goyle!" Several voices cried at once.

Lisa shrugged. "I like big guys."

"But he's an idiot," Padma objected.

"That's why I'd never actually do him." She downed her shot. "No psychoanalysis needed. And no seduction, either. With a bloke like Goyle, you just ask." They all laughed. "Or better yet, tell him. 'Greg!'" she barked like a drill sergeant, "'Trousers off! Lie down, on the bed. Now!'" The laughter became general hysteria.

"Hannah," Pansy said when it quieted down a bit. It was Hufflepuff's turn next, and she was not certain her tongue could wrap itself round Susan Bones's name at the moment. "And if you say Harry Potter—"

"But he's cute!" Hannah actually giggled; Susan rolled her eyes. "It's not that I'm interested in a big hero on a dragon." Hannah glanced at Daphne. "Or a trophy to wear on my arm. Harry's sweet, and, you know, vulnerable."

"Vulnerable!" Parvati exclaimed. "He's fought You-Know-Who. Face to face. More than once."

"Yes, but he's not very good at it, is he? From what I've heard, he never really seems to know what he's doing. Sometimes I think he's getting worse at it rather than better. He needs someone to take care of him."

"So you think Potter is needs babying and you obsess over his bum," said Daphne, smoothly taking over from Pansy who was busy refilling her glass. "Why will you never bed him?"

Hannah drank down her vodka. "Mothering your emotionally scarred boyfriend is a nice enough fantasy, but it sucks in real life. I had enough of that with Zabini."

Tracey's eyes opened wide. "Blaise is emotionally scarred?"

"Having half a dozen different step-fathers before you're sixteen is not healthy. Believe me," she said firmly, "you don't want to hear about it."

"So we're back to Slytherin House," Daphne announced. "Tracey, will you—"

"Millie." Pansy said emphatically, standing up as steadily as she could.

Daphne backed down without a word, but Hermione thought her expression would have done her Head of House proud.

Pansy went blithely on, addressing Millie: "Hot girl you'll never shag."

Millie looked down and mumbled.

Pansy demanded, "What was that, Bulldyke?"

Millie gazed into her drink. "Hermione Granger." Her voice was nearly inaudible; she blushed furiously.

"Really?" Hermione asked, her eyebrows lifting in genuine surprise. Millie nodded, still red-faced.

"I mean, well—" Millie clearly wished she hadn't spoken. "I've had a kind of a crush on McGonagall forever. And Hermione, well, she sort of reminds me of her. You know, smart and tough." Hesitantly she looked at Hermione directly. "Except you're prettier." She turned her eyes away and drank her shot.

It took Hermione a moment to remember to close her mouth. Then she said, "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Still not looking up, Millie smiled slightly.

Pansy barreled ahead. "Any why will you never sleep with—"

Hermione and Daphne spoke simultaneously: "I don't think—" "Drop it, Pans—"

Ignoring them, Millie said, "Because I'm too dumb."

There was another moment of silence, then everyone started objecting at once.

"Hey!" Susan reached across the table and put her hand on Millie's. "You're not dumb. You and Zabini are the only ones in your House taking sixth-year Arithmancy."

Millie mumbled, "I like numbers."

Lisa added, "Anyway, you don't have to be all brainy to get laid."

"I think brains get in the way sometimes." Hermione tried not to sound as awkward as she felt. "I mean, look at me. The biggest know-it-all in Gryffindor House and who do I get? Ron Weasley!"

"Come on, Granger," said Daphne with a wicked look. "Weasley isn't really the best you've ever done, is he? And I'm not talking about Viktor Krum here."

Hermione pointedly continued to speak to Millie, "We should do Arithmancy homework together sometime."

Millie she looked up and asked, "Really? How much do you know about Muggle probability theory?"

All the Ravenclaws burst out laughing.

Author's Notes:

Millie Bulstrode, lesbian math geek. She and Hermione never do study together, but in a classic example of Slytherin opportunism she "pinions" (JKR's word) Hermione against the wall of Umbridge's office in Order of the Phoenix. This incident did not inspire my take on Bulstrode, but in the time-honored tradition of fanfic authors, I choose to interpret it as I will. In the time-honored tradition of fanfic readers, you may disagree.

Although fanon Snape is usually tall, canon Snape seems to be of average height. For a man in the UK, this is about 5'9". I assume Hermione is also average, about 5'4".