Cannibals. They were going to eat my team. Jack thought sickly as he sat and watched Gwen stare at the…thing, in front of her. This trip had not been what he expected. Camping could be loads of fun, especially with his team, but not when work was involved. With Jack, work was always involved and would continue to be until the Doctor came. It wasn't fair.
Rounding up his team was easy and he glanced at each of their tired faces as they clambered into the warm SUV. He drove them back to the hub in silence as he replayed a moment in his mind. He burst in through the wall and expertly disarmed and debilitated the entire horde of cannibals. He made sure to scour his memory to see if he missed any, if anyone might have escaped him. He was pleased to note he did not. However, he was equally displeased to note the state of his team. It was a memory he would be glad to be rid of, and a memory he would be all too happy to replace with happier ones.
He wanted to see his beautiful Gwen smile brightly and carefree. He wished his dear Owen would laugh a great big belly laugh. He hoped Tosh's eyes would never look at him with such terror and emptiness again. He cursed himself for ever bringing Ianto on this damn fooled mission. The young man wasn't ready. Jack prayed he would never send Ianto anywhere unprepared again. He allowed his eyes to wander and find the faces of his team through the rearview and stopped when he saw his wishes and hopes were too new to have taken affect. He gripped the wheel tighter.
Back at the hub, Jack and Owen seemed to be the most clear headed of them all. It was a good thing really; Owen wanted to double check everyone before giving Jack a verbal report. Jack took Gwen's report in his office then sent her on her way. Tosh came in and he grabbed her in a tight hug. She smiled a little at him and told him everything that happened when she and Ianto separated from him and the others to look for the car.
"And then Ianto just…head butted the guy! I was able to make a run for it. I didn't make it very far though. Still, he got me out and I don't know what I would have done or what would have happened to us if he didn't." Tosh explained and Jack noticed she seemed a bit proud of Ianto and more than thankful for his actions.
Truth be told, Jack was feeling the same. He glanced out of his door toward the med bay and thought he might have been wrong about Ianto not being ready. "When they took us, Owen, Gwen, and myself" Tosh continued, "I didn't know what to expect" She swallowed hard. "When they pulled him up from behind the counter I thought they killed him, but then that man took the bag off his head and held the knife to his throat and I…" She trailed off. Jack let her sit in silence as she tried to order her thoughts. "Well, that's when you came in."
Jack let her go after another hug and told her to stay home tomorrow. He saw Owen finishing up with Ianto and stood near Owen's work station to wait. When Ianto walked passed him it was obvious the young man was lost in thought. Jack looked from Ianto to Owen and tilted his head at the physician in silent questioning.
Owen filled him in on the status of Gwen's gunshot wound, Tosh's sore shoulders and injured wrists, and Ianto's bruises which indicated he was beaten, not to mention the hard lump on his head that was discovered before they left the countryside.
"What about concussion?" Jack asked worried about the way Ianto had looked.
"Nah, he's ok. I was worried about that too after what Tosh told me, but I think it was just a good knocking about, nothing too serious." Owen finished writing on a clip board and handed it to Jack before grabbing his coat and tiredly trudging out of the hub.
Jack was engrossed reading the quick report Owen had written up and was genuinely surprised to find a mug full of coffee being handed to him.
As Ianto spoke about Canary Warf and about what happened in the country, Jack found himself understanding the internal struggle. How can one compare two different events? Jack had been there though, when you fight and sometimes die to save others, it all seems worth it. However, when you come face to face with death and don't even have the knowledge that your death will save someone, you feel completely small and vulnerable and you are filled with a terror that's almost indescribable.
"You're not a monster Jack"
Jack was surprised by Ianto's statement. Then a flurry of thought went through his mind. As he watched Ianto slowly tidy up the hub, Jack thought about what the young man said.
But, I am a monster, thought Jack. All the terrible things he's done, all the horrible schemes he was a part of, the man he used to be before he met the Doctor, the atrocious things he's done being a part of Torchwood; he shuddered at the remembrance. Jack sat contemplating for a while in silence as Ianto moved about. It had hurt when the young Welshman proclaimed on the Plass that he was monster. It hurt not because Jack thought he was wrong, but because he knew the man was right; a member of his team knew the dark truth about him. He really was a monster.
"You're wrong." Jack said quietly as he stood from his seat.
"I'm what?" Ianto spoke softly.
"You're wrong about me Ianto." Jack stepped towards Ianto and stopped about a foot away from the younger man. "I am a monster." Jack admitted and nodded his head slightly.
"No you're not sir." Ianto assured him.
"Oh but I am. You were right the first time when you said it." Jack watched as Ianto hung his head and closed his eyes against what Jack assumed were tears. "Come here" Jack pulled Ianto into a hug. It was a friendly, reassuring hug. "I am, but…" Jack squeezed Ianto a little tighter, then pulled back just enough to look Ianto in the eyes.
Their faces were close, their bodies were pressed together, their arms were wrapped around each other. To Jack's surprise this hug slipped from being friendly to…something else. As he gazed deep into Ianto's eyes he wondered if the young man wrapped in his protective embrace could sense the change too. He took in a shaky breath before he spoke again, suddenly very aware of how close their lips were.
"I'm glad you don't think so anymore." He finished saying, his voice dripping with honesty.
Neither man moved as Jack searched Ianto's eyes. He thought he saw a brief flash of desire in the young Welshman's eyes, but it was gone too soon to be sure. Ianto gazed at Jack now with a look that bespoke, was that…shame?
"How could I possibly compare what happened to me last night to what happened to Lisa at Canary Warf?" Ianto spoke in a small voice; his face full of shame now, not just his eyes. "How?"
Calmly Jack spoke to him. He knew exactly why. "Because your mind is just trying to quantify what happened. It's trying to categorize it, and the best way to do that is to compare it to similarly traumatic experiences you've had." He paused as Ianto took in what he was saying and broke their embrace. "So the two moments may be on the same shelf, or share the same box, or even be in the same filing cabinet, similar but different. Comparing them is natural; believe me I've done it before."
Ianto stood with his hands on his hips, and he nodded in understanding looking down at the floor. It was after a long silent pause that Jack spoke again.
"Hungry?" Jack asked.
"Starving" Ianto replied quickly.
Jack chuckled before he said "Well, I was going to cook you all campfire chili, but my plans were interrupted"
Ianto let out a quick laugh as he ran his hand over his eyes "Damn cannibals." He said dryly.
"What would you like?"
"Are you seriously going to order it?" Ianto asked in an incredulous tone.
"I got on well enough before you joined, I think I know how to order take away" Jack said in mock annoyance.
"Actually I'm quite partial to Indian at the moment."
"Indian it is then."
When the food arrived they toed off their shoes and sat cross legged on the setee. Ianto didn't bother to tuck his napkin into his collar as he wasn't wearing a suit, noticing this Jack smiled to himself. They talked about nothing in particular, sometimes the silence would return but it was never awkward. Jack felt quite comfortable and Ianto seemed to be coming back to reality. He found himself hoping that sharing a quiet meal with Ianto would happen more often. He was still worried about the young man though, "How are you Ianto?"
"All the better for being alive and well fed sir" Ianto quipped.
"No really, how are you?" Jack pressed.
Dark shadows glazed over Ianto's eyes as he sat and thought about how to answer. Eventually Ianto nodded slowly and turned to Jack to reply. "Getting there."
"Good." Jack wanted to say more. He wanted to say he was there to talk if he needed it, his shoulder was always there to cry on, his bed was always free to find escape in. Somehow Jack never found it easy to talk about emotions, or to share openly. The silence pressed in and Jack let it.
Sometimes, more than just words could convey what a person meant. In this case, both men were willing to listen and be heard but neither could bring themselves to really do it. As he looked at Ianto and the young man looked back, he could tell his offer was understood, even if he hadn't spoken it aloud. Only time would tell if Ianto would ever take him up on it.