Special thanks to Monthadog and ElissaTucker3 :3 Thanks, you guys! Lots of hugs
Kyle walked into the cafeteria with Butters, Clyde, and Tweek. He still felt a little miffed and embarrassed. He looked at his usual table. Kenny was gesturing with his hands while Stan laughed.
Wouldn't Kenny smell worse than him? He was poor and couldn't afford to bathe every day. He probably would have benefited from that deodorant stuff more than Kyle. Kyle could have afforded to buy his own. He didn't need to accept handouts.
His eyes flicked to Cartman. That fat ass had to smell worse than him! He sweated so easily... The majority of Cartman's shirts had pit stains. Just thinking about Cartman wanted Kyle to hold his nose and/or vomit.
Stan. Of course Stan wouldn't smell worse than Kyle. Kyle could feel his cheeks tinge pink. Whatever, Stan just cared more about what people thought about him. That's the only reason Kyle thought he smelled good.
Kyle plopped down in the seat next to Stan. Butters sat down next to Kenny, while Clyde and Tweek went to join Token and Craig's table.
"Dude, where were you? You barely have enough time to eat before home ec." Stan shuffled a spoonful of spinach into his mouth. He slurped a string up. Kyle felt a mix of disgusted and turned on. What? Wait, no.
"Clyde and Tweek had some questions about AP Biology. Butters and I stayed after class to help them." Kyle glanced at Butters. His eyes begged him to go along with his little fib. He didn't want Stan... Cartman to know about the list. Besides, Butters couldn't get grounded for what his parents didn't know. Cartman would be the first one to skip to poor Butters' house to tell Linda and Chris.
"Fucking lame, dude. Lunch is the only time we get to hang out." Kenny ruffled Butters' little poof of hair.
"We all have fucking home ec after lunch. That class is for fags. Only hippies would make home ec a required class for boys," Cartman grumbled through his mouthful of mashed potatoes.
"W-well, I s-sure am hungry!" Butters left the table to stand in the dwindling line.
"So Jew, how much are they paying you to tutor? They breaking your balls?" Cartman had food all around and in his mouth.
"Don't choke, fat ass," Kyle snarled as he went to join Butters in line. "Butters, we can't tell them about the list, okay? It's bad enough the girls know. Think about if Cartman knew." Kyle shuddered at the thought.
"A-aw, shucks. I'm n-not telling Eric anything!" Butters turned red. He grabbed his tray of food and started to walk toward their table. "I-I hope Tweek and Clyde d-don't say nothin'."
Kyle glanced at the other boys' table as they walked by. Craig knowing about them would almost be as bad as Cartman. Craig had been a dick ever since they made him and Tweek fight way back in elementary.
"... and that's why Indians love pickles!" Cartman was still covered in food. He was trying hard to cover Stan and Kenny as well. His spewed words were even more enraging than his spewed food apparently. Kenny had punched Cartman on the arm.
"That's sick, man!"
"Coming from the guy who has every STD and STI known to man."
"Shut up! That's not true! I'm disease-free." Kenny winked at Butters when he said the last bit.
Kyle had a strong urge to sniff his jacket again. He wondered if that stuff really had worked. He didn't know if it diminished pre-existing smells or not. Bebe didn't say.
"...baby." Stan was looking at Kyle. What did he say?
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I was saying we're getting babies in home ec today."
"B-babies? Oh gee, fellas, I'll get grounded if I bring a baby home!"
"They're not real, Butters. They're baby dolls that cry when they're hungry and tired. You can break their necks too. I remember Shelly had to bring one home when she took home ec."
"Fuck that! I'm not playing with any fucking lame dolls!" Cartman slammed his hands on the table. Unfortunately, his spoon had been resting peacefully where his hand landed. The spoon flew into the air. The spoon screamed before hitting Craig in the head.
Uh-oh.
Craig stalked over to Cartman. "Watch it, fat ass." Craig flipped him off as the bell signaling the end of lunch rang.
Kyle cradled his head into his hands. Sure, Craig had always been a dick to them, but things had calmed down recently. Cartman had just given Craig an excuse to start another feud between their two groups. Kyle took a deep breath.
Hey! He couldn't smell any body odor. At all! Health insurance could take a few notes on that stuff Bebe had given him.
Kyle felt a tug on his arm. "We're going to be late," Stan said before letting go of Kyle's arm.
Kyle had home ec with Stan, Kenny, Butters, and Cartman. It was the only class they all shared, and they only went to this class one day a week. They also shared the class with Craig's gang, Bebe, and Wendy. Oh, and Jimmy was there as well.
The last time Stan and Wendy had broken up was in middle school. They hadn't been together since as a couple, but they had remained cordial. Kyle knew Wendy felt the relationship between her and Stan wasn't going anywhere. She had confided in Kyle right after their break up. Stan still didn't know his ex-girlfriend went to his best friend for comfort. Not the romantic kind of comfort or anything, but Kyle and Wendy knew Stan better than anyone else. They knew the good and the bad. The only difference was Kyle was willing to stick by him through it all. Wendy had bigger prospects, Kyle guessed.
"Good afternoon, class!" Kyle groaned. He didn't know why Mr. Garrison decided teaching high school would be easier and less stressful than teaching elementary. At least Mr. Garrison only taught home economics and a few electives. The supervisors didn't trust him with the core classes.
"G-g-g-g-g-good afternoon, Mr. Garrison." Jimmy was the only one cheerful enough to return his greeting. Usually he and Butters chorused (and stuttered on beat) the greeting together, but Butters still seemed to be worried about getting grounded.
"Well class, I hope you're excited. You're all going to be parents for the next week." Mr. Garrison rolled a table with a cloth covering it to the front of the room. "Now, we're going to do something a little different."
Kyle instantly thought of the time he and Stan had to care for that stupid egg. That had been stressful. Stan had been a paranoid klutz at the time; Kyle had just been paranoid. He hoped Mr. Garrison didn't have an agenda this time...
"Just like in the real world, you will be paired up with someone else. Someone random. You can't always help who you have a baby with, but you do have the option to switch partners. However, you have to wear these bracelets. The more times you change partners, the higher your chances to contract an STD. For each STD your bracelet says you contract, I will lower your grade by a whole letter grade. That's 10 percent! And since you're all such little whores, you don't get to choose the ethnicity of your baby. And your baby may or may not have addictions. It's up to you to figure out if your child has the symptoms of being a crack baby, having fetal alcohol syndrome, addicted to nicotine, etc. If you don't figure out what kind of addiction your baby has, if any, I will lower your grade by another letter. And if your baby dies, you fail. Now, I'm going to randomly assign you each a partner."
What... the fuck? Everyone in the classroom had a dumbfounded look on their faces. This assignment was going to be intense! They had to take care of some random addict baby doll for a week, and if they got stuck with a terrible partner (read Cartman), they could switch at the risk of an STD. Kyle needed to pass this class with an A! He couldn't afford to get less than an A on this assignment. He hoped he got a good partner. He sneaked a glance at Stan. Stan was openly staring at Kyle. Stan shrugged. They should be used to Mr. Garrison's crazy schemes by now.
"The first person from the pairs will be the mother. If he or she decides to switch partners, he or she must take the baby with them. No couple can have more or less than one baby. Kyle... You and Stan are partners. Bebe is with Tweek." Tweek yelped and cowered. "Wendy and Jimmy. Butters and Clyde. Craig and Cartman. Token and Kenny."
Kyle sighed with relief. He would trust Stan this time. He would trust him and hope Mr. Garrison didn't have any awful plans to make them fail.
"Now, let me introduce you to your babies." Mr. Garrison pulled the cloth off the table. The baby dolls started screaming at the top of their anamatronic lungs. "Each of my mothers come up and grab a pair of bracelets and a baby bag. Each pair of bracelets is attached to one baby. The blue bracelet, the father's, can be reset to a different pink bracelet, the mother's. The bag has an extra diaper, a bottle, a pacifier, and a blanket. The babies have different sensors. They'll record if you don't change their diapers within the appropriate time frame, make them wait too long for food, or let them get too hot or cold. If you fail to take proper care of the babies, I will drop you a letter grade."
Kyle, Bebe, Wendy, Butters, Craig, and Token went to the front of the classroom to pick out their bracelets.
"When you push this button," Mr. Garrison pushed a big red button on Kyle's bracelet. One of the infants stopped screaming. "Your baby will be comforted for a few seconds. However, this is cheating. The bracelet will record how many times you push the button. If you constantly hit the button to calm the baby..."
"You'll drop us a letter grade. We get it already." Craig muttered.
Kyle went to the baby that had gone silent. His and Stan's child. He picked up the baby and held it at arm''s length. It began to scream again.
The baby didn't look deformed. It had a shock of black plastic hair on its head. When it opened its eyes between screams, Kyle could see it had green eyes. He held the baby closer to him and checked its diaper. It was a he.
"Wow, Kyle. What a fag." Cartman called from his seat.
"Shut up, fat ass," Kyle huffed and went back to his seat next to Stan. The baby wasn't crying anymore. He made hiccuping noises though. Kyle put the baby on his shoulder and patted his back. He had seen his mom do this to Ike when he was a baby.
The other mothers retrieved their babies. Kyle could tell right away which couples had the addicted babies. Wendy had a crack baby. Butters' looked like it had FAS. There was something wrong with Craig's, but Kyle couldn't tell what. Bebe's baby wasn't crying as much as the others, and wasn't moving as much. Token's and Kyle's seemed to be the only two active, "normal" babies.
"Now, before the daddies get too attached, who wants to switch partners at the risk of an STD?" Everyone's hands shot up. Everyone's except Kyle and Stan's. Kyle sighed with relief. He was halfway afraid Stan would want to be with Wendy instead of him.
"You can choose your new partner, or I can assign you a new one. Your choice." Mr. Garrison seemed to be having too much fun with this.
Tweek jumped away from Bebe and went to Craig. Ever since Bebe's slut party, Tweek had had a slight phobia of girls. If phobias could be slight. Kyle had noticed Tweek seemed calmer around Craig than most people.
Token and Kenny stepped toward Butters and Clyde together. Token patted Kenny on the back in apology. Token and Clyde were close friends; Butters and Kenny were close friends; it made sense to want to do this terrible assignment with a good friend instead of an occasional rival. It was clear there weren't any hard feelings there. Butters was red and kneading knuckles again.
Bebe and Cartman were the only two without partners, but Wendy and Jimmy had raised their hands as well. Kyle figured Bebe and Wendy would get together, forcing Cartman and Jimmy to be parents. Oh wait, Bebe and Wendy were both mothers. That was the hold up. The two girls stared at each other for a long time. If Kyle were Tweek, he would think they were communicating telepathically. It did seem like they had come to an understanding without words. Bebe sighed and walked toward Jimmy. Wendy sat next to Cartman.
"Alright, then. Fathers, push the little blue button on your bracelets. Mothers, your little pink button. Oh my, that sounds dirty. Sync your bracelets and see if you contracted an STD." Garrison was really, really enjoying this too much.
Kenny's bracelet blinked. So did Bebe's. Did that mean Butters and Jimmy had given them STDs? Their bracelets didn't blink.
"Okay! Kenny and Bebe have at least one STD. If anyone spends too much time with either of these two, you might contract the STD too. Oh, you have to keep your bracelets on for the entire week. That includes shower time."
"That's not how STDs work!" Wendy shouted.
"Oh, a little expert, are we?" Mr. Garrison snickered.
"'Ey! Shuddup, hippie fag!"
"Calm down, Eric. I wasn't talking to you. I don't care about your sex lives, but this experiment is meant to show you how wrong things can go when you hang out with the wrong crowd. You get pressured to do things. You may be forced to do things you don't want. This exercise will help you in the future when you're faced with adult things." Mr. Garrison's eyes had watered a little during his speech. He cleared his throat and continued. "Alright, spend the rest of class time to pick out a name for your baby."
"Adolf!" Cartman yelled out.
Kyle threw a ball of paper at him.
"We can't name the baby Adolf," Wendy said.
"Yeah, listen to her, fat ass." Stan had his hand on Kyle's shoulder to calm him down. The baby began to cry again.
"It's a girl," Wendy continued. Cartman grinned.
"Adolfa, then."
Alright, there's chapter two. Just for my two lovely reviewers :) Don't worry, I'll get back to the stinky plot next chapter.