What Now?
Chapter 2
A/N: Okay. You win. Celebrate your victory as here is another chapter to this supposed one-shot. This is it though! No more! I will not bow down to terrorist demands! Just let the banana go! He's got a family! A whole bunch of them!
Enjoy.
PS: We moved back a bit in time in the beginning to see Kate's POV of the morning.
Why? Why was he acting like he didn't care about her? What the hell happened to him? Her anger began to bubble over as she sat at her desk reading the reports to a case that had already been filed away. She just needed something to do with her brain so that she didn't keep repeating 'why' over and over.
It didn't matter why he was doing it because she didn't deserve it.
Well, she didn't deserve it completely. Maybe Lanie was right. Maybe she waited too long. Was it really fair to think he would stand and wait until she was ready? How could anyone call that okay? She wasn't ready though; she couldn't have been with him before now.
Before now?
She sighed and closed the folder before she tossed it on her pile. He shouldn't be affecting her like this. If he didn't want her then fine. There were plenty of men who saw her as something desirable. Hell, a couple of nights ago she had spent some time with one. It didn't amount to anything, but it was still nice to get out and have some company... meaningless company.
Collin was nice enough, a goddamn angel in some ways; he had the whole British charm thing going, and yet she didn't even feel a twinge for him. There was no tumbling of her guts when he looked at her, no shiver along her spine when they brushed hands. The drink made her knees wobble more than he did, but still he listened to her as she'd listened to him.
He listened to her talking about Castle.
She closed her eyes completely as she felt her cheeks flush. He could see that she wasn't crazy over him because Castle had her. She wanted to be spending that time with Rick, not that Collin was a bad person, but he wasn't what she wanted and what she wanted hated her.
Why?
What did she do?
Could he not understand the struggle she went through? The mountains she had climbed and the demons that she over came? It was mostly for him, that bastard, and he didn't even realize.
Now, he was punishing her and she couldn't work up even a matchbox full of hate for him.
It just hurt.
Her walls had collapsed when it came to him. The night guard had gone home and now monstrous emotions were roaming outside her heart, tearing at her. They were going to swallow her whole. She could feel it in her gut and she couldn't get the stones back in place to put up some kind of defense. Every stone and pebble and wooden beam was knocked to the ground before she barely got it moved.
Fun and uncomplicated, he had said. She blinked back the tears that welled in her eyes. It hurt. It stung, and she couldn't have defended herself if she wanted to. Kate Beckett was anything but uncomplicated and he knew that. He knew why she was the way that she was and he just... just threw it right back in her face.
She took in a shuddering breath and drew her lips in to try to fight down the hurt. Her eyes were probably already red and puffy. Great, just what she needed while at work.
This was why. THIS was why she shoved everyone into a little box far away from the fleshy bits of her character and self. She couldn't handle this, not anymore. She couldn't handle the way he was treating her.
I can take care of myself. He seemed so angry when he told her that after she confronted him. He had a bloody tissue stuck up his nose! How could she not say anything about it?
He pulled away so fast.
What the hell happened? She had asked her therapist that very question, along with wondering what she did to deserve him treating her like this.
He moved on. She swallowed hard at that thought. Or... he was closing himself off. She wasn't sure which she thought would be a better outcome. Neither. She shouldn't have waited so long. It'd been longer than seven months, but it didn't feel like it. She didn't know what to do with him anymore, and for a time she thought it best to try to move on herself.
Then he went with that... detective and almost got himself killed. She tried to hide the snarl that she felt curve her lip but couldn't quiet manage. He put Castle in danger more times than she had in the last four years, and that was saying something. Slaughter didn't care, not like she cared about keeping Castle alive and safe.
Ryan had told her about the junkyard and she couldn't remember a time when she wanted to kill someone so much.
At least he was back where he belonged, with them. With her. They were still partners, at least on her end. She wanted to be more but she couldn't read him. Something happened, something that made him feel the need to protect himself, but what?
She found she couldn't gauge the distance to the next marker on their journey, and that worried her. She felt lost in the wilderness that he had created around him.
"Beckett?" She looked up to find Ryan in front of her desk, the lopsided smile spreading across his lips. He probably noticed her fidgeting and she felt a little annoyance at it. "I heard you nailed the bastard to the wall during trail."
"Well, that's what we're suppose to do, Ryan. We get the evidence and then use it to solve the crime and put the bad guy away."
"I know that, just wanted to say: good work."
"Thanks..." He nodded and walked back toward his desk and she watched him, a little confused about the exchange. Esposito was there as well, watching her and sitting back in his desk chair like he was at home just watching the game. She pushed back from her desk and stood. Something was going on.
"What are you two working on?"
Ryan looked up from a stack of papers and turned to look at Esposito for a moment before answering. "That murder we grabbed a couple days ago. We got it pretty wrapped up."
"Oh? Why haven't I received your reports yet?"
"Working on them," Esposito said, still lounging.
She went over and knocked his feet from the desk. "Yeah, you look like you're working hard."
"Aren't we in a mood?" Esposito said with a small smirk that ate through her and she jerked back a little bit.
"What?"
"When are you two going to talk it out?" He asked as he stood a few inches from her.
"Talk what out?"
"Really? Ryan and I have escape plans setup for when you two blow up at each other. We can all see the tension, Beckett."
"Don't even start down this road Esposito. I'm not in the mood." She stalked off toward the break room because at the moment she didn't have the fortitude to tear him down and make him shut up. She squinted when he followed in behind her. "What? What do you want now?"
He closed the door and placed a hip against the counter. "You like him."
The coffee cup she picked up jerked in her hand and clanged against the metal on top of the espresso machine. When she looked up she found him smiling at her. "Like who?"
"Castle."
She turned back to the machine. "Yeah, so do you. He's a good friend... sometimes."
"Is that all you two have? You're into him. You know it and I know it."
"I don't want to hear this." She finished making her coffee and then went to leave. He took a step in front of her.
"He's pulling away, we all see it. Do you know why?"
"No." She took a sip of her coffee and tried not to let her hand shake. "You?"
"Maybe."
Her breath caught in her throat for a second and she dropped the cup down, glared at him. "You going to tell me?"
"You mean you have no idea?"
"Nope. He's acting like a jackass, I figure it's that time of the year for him."
"How long are you going to let the guy hang, Beckett? Until he finds someone else that he's into or until he's hurting enough to just leave?"
"What does he have to be hurt about?" She placed the cup on the counter, her need for caffeine had dissipated and her stomach quivered at the bit of coffee that already sat in it like lead.
Esposito shrugged and nodded toward the table as he moved to it. She followed because she needed to sit down anyway. "I don't know. But he's hurting."
"Yeah, those girls he keeps bringing around probably do hurt his wallet." It was Esposito's turn to glare and she flinched slightly under it.
"And you call yourself a detective," he said in an exasperated tone that made her smile. "He's hurting and like all us guys he went for comfort in the arms of someone that wanted him. Which tells me... that he found out something bad. Something involving the both of you."
"Like what?"
"Why don't you ask him?"
She turned to look out toward the window that showed the bullpen and bit her lip. "I did ask him what was wrong. He told me everything is fine."
"And you believe him?"
"I don't have any reason not to. He's never lied to me before."
"You have a reason not to believe him and it's driving you crazy."
"You're pushing it right now, Javi."
He grinned. "Maybe, but I like pushing my luck. You two need to sit your butts down and figure out what's going on, otherwise you're going to be distracted and Gates will rip you apart. You're trying damn hard to not let it show, but I can see the cracks starting. With Slaughter almost getting Castle killed those cracks grew bigger and even Ryan noticed."
She shook her head and met his eyes with a half smile that slowly fell into a frown. "He won't talk to me."
"Treat him as a suspect then. Don't give him the option to dodge. Or even a case, figure out what his problem is."
"What, so I can chase after him? No thanks."
"He's chased after you for years, maybe it's your turn?" His phone rang in his pocket and he fished it out as he stood. "Esposito. Uh-huh, all right we'll be there."
"Murder?" She asked.
"Yeah, me and Ryan can handle it."
"I'm coming along," she went to stand but he pushed her back down by her shoulder.
"Stay here, wait for Castle and figure this out. Ryan and I will fill you in when we get back."
"But-"
"Trust me. Besides, you already have a case." He said and left the room after picking up her coffee cup and taking it with him. She heard him shout for Ryan and saw them both head for the elevator.
Did she want this still? She stared at the scarred table in front of her and ran a finger over a long gash as her other hand gathered up her hair. She wanted it. She wanted it so bad she could almost taste the bitter sweetness of the need that welled up inside her. But if he moved on then what would be the point?
Closure.
She needed to know what happened, what she did. But more than that, she needed to fix things so that she still had something with him.
Treat it like a case he said... okay. Why the hell not? What could it hurt?
Well, then first thing is first, interviewing witnesses. She pulled her phone from her pocket and placed it down in front of her. She couldn't bring herself to scroll through her contacts list, though. What would she say? 'I'd like to talk to you about a murder that took place a few weeks ago. See, something murdered Castle's character and my heart. We're trying to figure out what caused it.'
She smirked and turned off her phone. She'd deal with it later, right now she had other stuff she needed to do. Like filing away some paperwork. Or something.
She stepped out in the bullpen and made it a few feet toward her desk when movement caught her attention. She turned to face the main hall that led to the elevator and found Castle weaving his way through the desks to her.
He had two large white cups of coffee, but he didn't have that gleeful look on his face like before. There wasn't much pleasure in this little ritual of theirs anymore. Yes, something had happened to hurt him and he had taken a page out of her own book and walled up.
"Good Morning, Detective."
"Hey. Thanks." She took the cup from him, offered a full smile and the small one that he returned was enough for now. "So what are you doing here? I don't have any on going cases."
He did the little shrug that she had come accustomed to and looked around the bullpen. "What? Can't I come by and see my partner?"
She took a sip of coffee. He'd be her new case, she decided as she swallowed. She'd figure it out and then choose her next move. She just needed to hack away at the jungle a bit and see if another sign post laid beneath. It was time she started the trek back to him.
That trek had landed her here on the sidewalk and watching him leave in a rush of anger. At least now she knew what caused the rift, the question came in what to do about it.
She rushed across the street as soon as a clearing appeared and headed down the sidewalk. Maybe they could fix things, but for that to happen she needed to make him understand. She quickened her walk back to the station in hopes of finding him but when she stepped into the bullpen she didn't see him. He really did just leave.
She made her way to her desk and sat down. She stared at her hands, fumbled with them because she couldn't do anything else.
She could call him she thought and glanced at the phone on her desk. Would he even answer? Then again, she couldn't say she wanted him to. He was angry with her and while no one would call her shy when it came to confrontation, she didn't think it would fix anything... it never had before. Maybe all those times that she pushed him away finally were coming back and widening the canyon between them now that the last thread of the bridge had been cut.
Being afraid had brought on this problem in the first place, she thought as she picked up the phone and dialed his number. Her breath dug into her lungs as she waited for an answer. The ringing went forever and she closed her eyes to focus on breathing until she heard his voicemail. The last thing she wanted to do was to leave a recording, especially as she knew it would sound almost desperate.
She slammed the phone down and stood. She needed caffeine; coffee of some sort as it felt like she was running on empty. She needed something to prop her up because her support had left her already. She hated that she depended on him as a sounding board and a compass at times, but she did and she missed him already.
She went through the door, the corner of her lip in a death grip from her teeth and made a turn for the coffee machine. It fell short however when she found Esposito and Castle sitting at the table. She stopped in her tracks like she'd hit a force field and the shock in her chest made it feel like it too. She stared at him in surprise, trying to get her voice to work.
"I... I thought you left."
"Needed to take a walk," he said and held her gaze with almost dead eyes. "Then I ran into Esposito when I came back."
"And I'm just leaving, you still need that report from this morning. I'm sure Ryan is done with it by now." Esposito said as he stood and brushed past her. She heard him call out Ryan's name as he went.
"They had a case."
"Yeah," she said and moved to lean against the counter. Nothing like being caught off guard, she thought. "The call came in before you got here."
"How come you didn't go?"
"Was waiting... for you and beside they could handle it."
"Ah, well I'm sorry I took you away from work."
She sighed and closed the door. There was no lock, but she hoped the message would be clear enough to those outside. "Don't be like this, Castle."
"Be like what, Beckett?"
"All cold and angry with me." She tried to keep her own anger out of her voice but if she went by the look on his face she did a poor job of it. "What do you want me to say?"
"What?"
She moved to the table and sat down. "Do you want me to say I'm sorry? Fine, I'm sorry. I'm am so sorry that I can't even express it, but is that enough?"
"Maybe, if you didn't say it so flatly." He went to stand and she reached out and pulled him back down by his wrist.
"Stay."
"Should I bark or ask for a treat?"
"Only if you want. You're not leaving until we hash this out."
"What's there to hash out, Kate? You lied to me. I don't care if you love me or not, but you lied to me."
She canted her head at him and then shook it. "And you just lied to me."
"What?"
"You do care if I feel the same."
She saw his jaw clenched and his face turned bland. So, this is what it looks like when someone puts up a wall, she thought. How many times had she done that him? The number would be higher than she could ever count. "Don't pull away."
"Stop telling me what to do."
"I-" she looked at the table and nodded. This isn't the way she needed to go about this. He closed up and pushing would only make him resent her. She'd seen it enough in the past with others.
She reached out and took his hand, clasping their fingers together before he could even react. When he realized what she did he tried to slip away. She tightened her grip. She wouldn't lose him over this if she had any say in it. "I guess you heard me in interrogation."
"Let go, Beckett." He pulled again but she just squeezed his hand and looked up. He didn't meet her eyes.
"I have no idea why I didn't think about you being behind the mirror. Guess emotions clouded my judgment... which has been happening a lot lately."
"Sounds awful for someone like you." She flinched and took the hit because she knew he was just firing blind wanting to hurt because he'd been hurt. She didn't blame him.
"Yeah, it pretty much is. I didn't want you to find out that way."
He gave a small chuckle. "How did you want me to find out? Were you going to wait until I stopped coming around?"
"You'd stop?" She asked before she could cut off the question.
He took a deep breath and then blew it out of his nose, his brow down in a glare at her. "At some point I'd have to."
"Why?"
"For my own damn sanity because I know you won't stay single forever."
"Oh."
"Oh? That's all it?"
"No, it's just... I'm sorry."
"So you said."
She nodded. "Did you have to be a bastard about it though?"
He looked flabbergasted, a strange expression for him that threw her some. "Sorry? How the hell was I being a bastard?"
"Your little in-flight service girl? You knew that flaunting her around would hurt me. Was it some kind of revenge?"
"I wasn't trying to hurt you." He said and tried again to get his hand free. "I just wanted to show you that I don't need you."
It felt like a punch to the gut and she actually jerked in her chair at the words. He didn't need her... but she still needed him.
"And, anyway, why would that hurt you?" This time she pulled away. He stopped her by not releasing her hand and she plopped back down on the chair.
"You're absolutely clueless." She said.
"Obviously, because one of us doesn't share openly."
She went to speak but a knock at the door drew both of them to look. "Detective Beckett?"
"Go away." They said in unison. The door snapped open to show Gates on the other side. Kate swallowed hard and added, "... sir"
"Is this some kind of powwow or are you two wasting time?" She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorjamb. Kate stuttered for words before giving up and looking to Rick in hope that he had some cover story. He didn't speak up. He was just going to let her hang in the open.
"I'm waiting, Detective."
"Actually, they're waiting for us," Ryan said from behind her and Gates turned around. "We caught a case this morning and Esposito gave them the primary details while I finished up the report."
"Why would Detective Esposito need to fill them in?" She asked as Ryan pushed past her and placed a folder on the table.
"Uh-"
"Because Beckett was busy prepping for court for next week." Esposito said as he came through as well. "So we said we could take the case and fill her in later."
"Oh," Gates said but it didn't look like she was buying their story. "Carry on then, but I expect a report on my desk by the end of shift."
"You'll have it," Kate said and stood.
"Good. Keep the door open, huh? Don't hog the break room."
"Yes sir," the three said and Gates left the room. Kate looked at her two detectives and couldn't think of how to thank them for covering, but the annoyance on their faces said they weren't happy with doing it.
"You two done?" Esposito asked as he glanced out the door to make sure Gates didn't come back.
"We're done," Castle said and stood.
"Are we?" Kate asked and stepped in front of him.
"Yes."
"I don't think so."
"If you two are gonna quarrel some more you might want to take it outside." Esposito said and pointed out of the room with a thumb. "We can't cover for you two again without Gates calling bull on it."
"Fifteen more minutes," Kate said and they both shook their heads.
"You don't even have two here. Take it to the conference room at least." Ryan said. "You two can go through the file there and at least look like you're working."
"And while you're doing that we're going to do some actual work," Esposito said with a slight grin. "Keep us updated."
"Yeah, that's not going to happen," Kate said as they walked out of the break room. She picked up the folder and tapped her fingers on the back of it as she stood beside Castle. "Please?"
"What?"
"Will you talk with me a bit longer?"
"What will it solve?"
"I don't know, but I want to try to solve this hurt between us." She walked out and left him there. Forcing him to come would only put them back to where they were, if he didn't want to figure this out, then fine. They'd just let it die, but she hoped to God he would follow if only to have a chance of taking another shot at her.
As she crossed the bullpen she had a fleeting fear that he wouldn't come after her. She couldn't look back though. She wouldn't. She did, and found him only a few feet behind her.
She stepped into the conference room, put the folder on the table and waited for him to enter. Once he had she shut the door and placed her hands on the back of a chair. He sat down on the other side of the table and pulled the folder to him, began to read.
"Strangled to death," he said matter-of-factly and looked up. "Male, twenty-seven. Looks like it may have been a telephone cord."
"Can you put the folder down?" He did so and folded his hands over top of it, waited. "Look, Rick-"
"Shouldn't we be working on the case?"
"Will you just shut up and listen to me? You're so goddamn hardheaded some times-"
"Me? Hardheaded? That's a bit of pot calling the kettle black, don't you think, Kate?"
"Yes, maybe it is. But I'm trying here."
"Trying to do what?"
"Explain myself."
"What's stopping you?"
She sat down and tried to get her anger back under her control. "You heard something I didn't want you too because I wasn't ready to deal with it. I never-" she reached across and touched his chin to make him look up at her. "I never said that I didn't return the feeling."
"You never said you did."
"No, because when I do I want to be able to... dive in. I'm not at that point yet."
He furrowed his brow at her and she had to smile at the lost puppy look her gave her. "Are you saying..."
"I'm saying I need time still."
"How much?"
"I don't know, but I need to know that you can wait for a little while longer."
"I need to know, Kate. I have to if you want me to be able to."
She sighed nodded and reached across for his hands. "I care about you. I do. Is it love? It's the closest that I've ever felt it. I need you to stay here, Rick. With me. Can you do that?"
"I think I can do that."
"I'm so sorry though, honestly. I never meant to-"
"It's fine."
She shook her and tried not to tear up. "No it's not. I should have told you and explained like I did now, but I was afraid..."
"We'll figure this out."
"We're okay though, right?"
He grinned at her and it just met his eyes. He still hurt, but she was able to move the ball forward. She hoped it would be enough for them both to heal some.
"Better than before." He said and reached down to the folder, opened it again. "I think we have a case we need to solve though."
She laughed. "Then let's get to it."