"Greetings, Wizarding world! You are dialed in, of course, to the Potterwatch Revival. I'm your host this evening, George Weasley, also known as Dagger, the One-Eared Wonder, and subject of Celestina Warbeck's latest hit single Ears to You, Cutie Pie. We aren't having an affair or anything! River is sitting this interview out. His exact words were "since you're dead-set at making Hermione fume out the nostrils, you can be the one to interview her!" so, here I go.

"As you know, Potterwatch is your handy how's-all-going for any news of note to the Wizarding world. 'Hard news' is the term our usual host River uses to exhaustively frequent effect, even enough that all randy jokes have been worn out. However, tonight, in lieu of the Wizarding news, we've got another installment in a series of definitive interviews of those who fought on the frontlines of the Battle of Hogwarts. I'm joined tonight by one of the Big Golden Amazing Illustrious Terrific Stupendous Trio, Miss Hermione Granger!"

"I believe it's 'Here's to You, Cutie Pie.'"

"The song is about me, that much is plainly obvious. I'm the resident Warbeck expert here. I've only heard that bloody album every night before dinner for sixteen years... anyway, I ought to address the Hippogriff in the room —"

"Oh? Are you sure? Do you really, really, really want to talk about those awful things you said?"

"How awful could they have been, being so clever and true?"

"If the next thing from you isn't an apology, you'll be researching a spell to remove ink stains from your cheek!"

"Ever the violent one, aren't you, Hermione? Well, I'm not sorry. If Ronnie's been carrying on with you under the delusion that I'm not going to take the mickey every chance I get, then he's more thick than I thought —"

"Excuse me! I'll have you know, my consent to this interview comes with a few conditions!"

"One being that I'm not allowed to call my own brother thick? Come off it, Hermione! Besides, nobody brought you on here to talk about Ron. What goes on between you and Ron is entirely your problem and I've almost fetched up my lunch just thinking about it. Let's move on, shall we?"

"You're on air, George. You have a responsibility, you know? Not many people know about me and Ron, and what they think they know about Harry is most certainly based on myths."

"That's why you're here. Let's jump right into it, then. When did you meet Harry Potter?"

"It was on the Hogwarts Express, just before our first year of school. I was helping a boy look for his toad, and peeked into Harry's compartment to ask if they'd seen anything."

"They?"

"Harry wasn't alone. There was another boy there, a red-headed boy with a dirty nose whom I didn't much care for."

"Me neither. Though, from what I recall, Harry and Ron didn't much care for you as well."

"Not at all, actually! They were perfectly horrible, in my view. Perfectly. That is, until they saved my life from a troll. Harry hopped right up on its back and jammed his wand in its nose, then Ron did a perfect swish-and-flick and whacked it about the head with its own club!"

"Blimey. Of course, everyone in Gryffindor heard this story from Ron no fewer than a hundred times, and by the last retelling the troll had become a giant and Ron had done it blindfolded."

"My heroes."

"You three got on well after that, didn't you? The trio united?"

"For the most part. We had a few squabbles. There was a cat, a rat, a broom, a Goblet of Fire, a girlfriend who wasn't me —"

"The prat!"

"Indeed. I went to the ball with someone else..."

"You cow!"

"I can scarcely fathom how I live with myself. My, it's all so silly in hindsight. To think, the fate of the world was in the hands of three ridiculous children!"

"Godric help us. Now, I've rather a bone to pick with you."

"Is that so? Seems as though you've got a bone to pick with just about everyone as of late."

"I've got a list. Anyway, I've known you since your first year, just like Harry and Ron."

"Nobody knew me quite like Harry and Ron. They were my best friends."

"A'course I did! Bookish Hermione. Braincase Hermione. Frumpy..."

"Correct."

"Fussy..."

"Yes, let's not forget fussy."

"Stick-in-the-mud, would die rather than get expelled — yep, Ronnie told me about that gem, me and everyone else — second coming of Percy, future Minister of the Department of Boredom..."

"The dream!"

"Yes, well, that's exactly it, you've been downright bubbly lately!"

"Well!"

"The biggest insult I could ever give you! You, the asexual human library —"

"Stop that!"

"Crossed a line, have I?"

"On a daily basis, yes. Because there is a line, one between good fun and alienating your friends, and you're getting quite sloppy walking it! You've been a total wart, in fact. How's that for bubbly?"

"I have heard worse. So, now Voldy's gone moldy we can all forget our strict homework plans and mourning and just have a jolly good lark, then, right?"

"George! There you go again!"

"Forgive me. I only expected a member of the Golden Trio to be just a wee bit sobered by all the deaths and hurt and crap that transpired."

"I've been put under the Cruciatus and I've no idea where my parents are, you complete arse!"

"Now this is good radio!"

"Ugh! You've got no sense of boundaries, do you?"

"I suspect it's the reason we've always clashed, you and I. So, what happened to your parents, Hermione?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Are they — but they can't be, well — I'd know if..."

"It's being sorted."

"See, I know the boundaries after all! It's being sorted. Good. Now, the other thing. I have it on good authority that the Unforgivable Curse in question is a bit of a pisser!"

"It rather smarts, yes, doesn't it? And don't you forget that it was being used on eleven-year-olds!"

"I won't, and now no one will. So, Hermione, do you consider yourself a role model for Muggleborns everywhere?"

"I don't consider myself any such thing, thank you very much. Most Muggleborns don't know a thing about me."

"Other than without you, Harry Potter never would have killed the biggest Muggle-hating piece of —"

"If I had to prop up a role model for Muggleborns, by that criterion, I'd remind you that it was Lily Potter who sacrificed her own life to save her son, and it was all very wonderful and sad. I can't compare to that!"

"For what it's worth, I still think you're quite frumpy, but I say you do compare to that, Hermione."

"Oh, George, thank you! That's sweet, observations of frumpiness notwithstanding. I suppose I should be grateful. That's as good a compliment as I'll get from you, I'm sure."

"You've changed since the frumpy days, though, haven't you? Harry and Ron have rubbed off on you."

"Yes, and I do hope for their sake I've rubbed off on them. Although, he — Ickle Ronnie, you could say — does shine through even today. Ron's come a long way with regards to electricity and tubes and plugs and such, but he has his moments. The other day I made a point to him about Occam's Razor, and he asked, "is that Goblin-made?" It was all I could do not to snort out my pumpkin juice!"

"Yes, side-splitting humor there, just so long as you're someone who hangs on my baby brother's every word."

"I do not!"

"Quick question: you and Harry, yeah? Everyone and their House Elf wants to know..."

"No, for the millionth time. Not ever."

"Then why does everyone think it?"

"Because we hang around together all the time and I love him —"

"Aha!"

"He's like this really wonderful brother I always wanted in my life, who constantly needs looking after, but one I'm very proud of. Nothing romantic. One step over that line and I'd be the one fetching up my lunch — not that he isn't lovely-looking, of course he is, but it would all be quite weird and really rather horrible."

"Then why's the other one different? You know, the not-so-wonderful brother I never wanted in my life but had to put up with anyway —"

"If I hear so much as one more thing against him, or the phrase 'specky git' referring to Harry, I'll be leaving this booth without another word! You're just being a nightmare for the sake of it, just like you always have to Ron, and I won't stand for it. This is how you treat your brother, who's currently moonlighting at your shop, despite undergoing full-time Auror training? You're impossible!"

"Rubbish. I know Ronnie. He may have been along for the ride, but it was you and Harry pulling the weight in the end."

"Ron's done more than you'll ever know. Ugh! More than you'll ever know!"

"Now now, keep your hair on."

"And when your own sister was taken down into the Chamber of Secrets? That must have been a long, excruciating afternoon for your family, hm? But while you were being told the bad news, Ron had already figured out where the Chamber was, how to open it, and taken the plunge to face down a Basilisk — just like he faced down an Acromantula, and a real giant, and a troll —"

"An Acromantula, Hermione? Come off it! He can barely face down the tiny spiders in Potions class, and they're already dead!"

"He faced down a whole colony because Muggleborns were being Petrified, all while you were playing practical jokes. I've sat by while my friends are belittled and slandered over the years... well I think it's long overdue that someone tell the truth."

"Out with it, then. Harry Potter, in a few words?"

"That's not enough — oh, fine — he's courageous, strong — he's so strong, fighting it all, and — hot-headed and impatient and brilliant and specky and a git and amazing all at once —"

"So, what about Ron?"

"Oh, that's not nearly enough, not for him — he's brave, loyal, clever — really clever, which means he's really good at picking the most perfectly awful things to say when he wants to, but normally he doesn't. He's crass and caring and honest and mean to my cat and obscene and hilarious —"

"Yes, yes, I've begun to notice the focal point of the aforementioned bubbliness."

"I've not been bubbly! It's just... oh, he won't like that I've said this, he'll hate me, but if Harry's the big hero then Ron's always fighting by his side, Harry's knight in hand-me-down armor!"

"Oh, that's cringe-worthy, that is! Dear me!"

"I know, but I couldn't stop myself. It's to do with the bubbles."

"That's your school years documented, I suppose. Let's skip ahead, then, to your decision not to return to Hogwarts for your seventh year."

"Harry, Ron, and I set out on a mission to destroy Voldemort's last lines of defense. That's all I can say. It all came to a head at Hogwarts."

"I assume, of course, that you concur with my theory of Harry Potter's magical protection of us all?"

"I'm not sure, truth be told. The manner of protection Harry had from his mother — oh, his mother! She died for him when he was only a baby, did Lily Potter. We've always known that. But when Harry went out in the forest, he died for us. Every last one of us. He's so brave — just wonderful, really!"

"I'm glad we can agree on something. When evil needs a place to put the knife, there's Harry Potter jumping in the way, brandishing a sheath."

"Well said."

"The Boy Who Lived. Of course, he'd be nowhere without the Boy Who Ate and the Girl Who Nagged!"

"What? Oh, that's nice! What about you, then? The Idiot Boy Who Belittled His Brother Constantly Even Though —"

"Nah. Too wordy."

"You know how he looks up to you, don't you? Yet you go on-air and say this absolute bile —"

"What better way to spread the truth about Ron —"

"The truth!"

"Yes, what better way than to have Hermione Granger come up with twelve foot of parchment's worth of starry-eyed assessments of Ron's character?"

"Oh..."

"Silly girl. Everything I've said has been with love. Mean-spirited love. I'm quite proud of my prat little brother. Oh Merlin, Mum's been unbearable about him lately."

"Jealous."

"Moving on, I've got a little game prepared for you. Don't worry, it's perfect for you because it's a game you can't lose!"

"Phew! I'd only crushed you at chess the last time we played, but I was quite worried. Carry on."

"Yes, well, the game is called Magic or Muggle. I'll name something, and you, the Muggleborn, will tell me if you prefer the magical method or the primitive — er — the manual way. Only joking, Hermione, put that down!"

"Oh, I know you were joking, but it was in such poor taste that, for a moment, I wasn't above hurling an inkpot right at your stupid grin."

"Don't be silly. I was raised in a Muggle-loving household, yet I don't know a thing about them. So, here we go... how do you do the washing up?"

"Magical, mostly, though it usually requires a mixture of both."

"Fingernails?"

"Muggle! What else am I meant to do?"

"Washing your teeth?"

"Muggle, or my parents skin me alive. Those are the options available to me."

"Hair care? Oh, er, we'll skip that one, I guess..."

"Oi!"

"Cooking?"

"You might want to skip that one, actually."

"Contraception?"

"Excuse me?"

"How do you stop Ron's salmon from swimming upstream, then?"

"Honestly!"

"The Wizarding world must know! I mean, who knows if we're missing out on something the Muggles worked out? Maybe we should all give up the Potion and start using, I don't know, electricity or something."

"Magical. That's the last question I'll answer, before you do any worse!"

"Bloody hell, it's a game no one can lose and still she forfeits.. Can't be helped, I suppose. So..."

"No, I meant it, George. That's the last I'll answer."

"I've got one more. An innocent one!"

"If it's horrible, I'll retain the right to silence, thank you."

"What does the future hold for Miss Hermione Granger?"

"Oh! Well, I don't know, really. I've got so many abstract ideas but most of the people in my life seem to think I need to work out a grounded approach to them all. Fancy that, me going overboard! Well, first is my application to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. I say application, but it was offered to me. I've turned down the Aurors. I'm not a fighter like Harry and Ron. I don't quite fancy bleeding as much as Harry or taking lives like Ron... but, I'll support the Auror Office as best I can from my department. I can promise that."

"Thank you, Hermione. Love you."

"You do not deserve to hear it back, but — love you too. Your whole family, in fact."