'What do you want from me Mal?'
"I want…I want to be here beside you forever. I want to slide into smooth and deep and you all hot and wet and tight. I want to push and push until I hit that sweet spot over and over and we both come so hard we scream. And I want to put my hand on your belly and feel it grow and round and flutter and our baby kick and slip out into your arms and latch on to your breast and suckle. And I want to hold us all together and close my eyes and sleep.'
Inara's heart went cold with fear.
'You want marriage and babies. Family.'
'Yeah. Yes. Yes. We could work it out. I know you are proud of your… profession, but you could use your training other ways. Be a counsellor… or a con artist. You and Simon could make great crooks, better than me and Zoe. Or we could settle someplace. Hey!' his eyes were wide and bright,' Would you like a ranch? We could have a dozen little curly heads runnin us ragged, screaming and cryin and needin their mum every minute…'
He was serious. He wanted a family. He wanted her children. He didn't understand.
"No, Mal. That's not possible.'
'Well, okay, not a ranch. We could live in a city. You could be a counsellor. Your training ain't all sexin. I know you helped Zoe when she got the blues after Wash died. You did more for her than anyone could.'
'No Mal. I mean children. That's not possible.'
'You're young and healthy. We got lots of time. Maybe not a dozen kidlets.'
'None. I won't ever have children.'
Mal was shocked. 'Well, you stop the contras, and..'
No, Mal. I… look, part of my profession…. we …. Companions….. Look at my eyes, Mal.'
'I can see you're serious. I believe you.'
'No, I want you to really understand. Look at my eyes. My lashes look darker because my lids are tattooed. See? A thin line so I don't use eyeliner cosmetic. My lips are tattooed as well, so I need only gloss them.
'But we have other cosmetic changes. My breasts are firmer and higher than gravity should allow… and they are slightly larger than nature intended. Some surgical enhancement.
'But more important, a Companion is a working woman. It would be awkward if we had to set our appointments around the moon.'
Mal just looked confused now.
'Companions don't use contras. We don't need them because we can't ever conceive.' Inara ran a finger down the thin pale scar on her belly. 'We have an operation before we graduate. We don't have menses and we don't have babies.'
'But… '
'And Mal, even if that were not true, I'd be too old to conceive.'
'You're not too old. You're younger than me.'
'I'm Core born. Core raised. We live longer than Rim folk. On average 120 years to the Rim's 60. And we are usually healthy and vigourous for all of that time.
'Even so…. Core women are still only fertile between about 10 years and 40, same as Rim dwellers. After that, the chances of conception would be minuscule, of a healthy child even less likely.'
Mal lay still, his breathing shallow.
'Nandi told you I was being groomed to be Housemistress? You don't get to that position in your twenties, Mal. I wanted to see more of the Verse before I took that position for perhaps forty years or more. I wanted to understand why the Border and the Rim had rebelled, because I would be sending my sisters out there and I needed to know what they would face.'
'I am a young woman, Mal, a young Core woman, but I was nearly forty when you were born. I'm more than twice your age, Mal, and while I love you and I would be proud and happy to live with you, I cannot give you a family.'
'So what was all this. A tumble with some toyboy? A bit of rough to spice up the drudgery of fucking appropriately hygenic, well-bred, rich johns?'
'You don't think I don't love you? You think I should lie to you, make you think I'm something I'm not? I do love you, Mal. I've … my heart turns over every time I see you. I've wept for you. I've fantasized that I was with you when I was with clients. Which is an insane thing to do, and very unprofessional.'
'Yes. It is important to be professional.'
'If you take me, you take a woman trained in an important and respected profession. I will never apologize for that.'
His hands were still, grasping her waist and her neck. He had a look she had only seen on him once before, when Kaylee was shot. Scared and angry and horrified and so so sad.
'But I love you.'