Relationship Stuff

by Ponderess

"Relationship stuff" — that's what Yasutomo kept calling it on the occasions we discussed how things were going between us. He never failed to say it dismissively, as if it was an annoying plague he was forced to put up with. But even when I told him that he could opt out of it at any time, he did not pull back. [quasiplatonic Shinara]

2. Chapter 2

Notes: And here is part 2, this time from Arakita's POV during university — long-distance relationship stuff so to say.

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"Relationship Stuff"

- Arakita Yasutomo -

.: :.

Sometimes there are no words to describe how much people annoy me. My first day at Yonan University ended up turning into a prime example for that. I wasn't keen on meeting new people to begin with, by the time I got out of my final class of the day I was completely fed up. I just couldn't deal with the overly friendliness some people approached me with, damn pests! I made no secret of my testiness and stared down several people until they turned away and probably swore to stay away from me in the future.

When I got back to my dorm room I almost slammed the door shut in my grumpiness. The encounters with my new classmates didn't let me go. I told myself that if they were intimidated by me giving them a dark glare they weren't cut out to handle me anyway and thus not worth my time. But it bugged me, enough to kick my bed frame (and then curse, because I stubbed my toe).

I muttered to myself, berating the people who had approached me today and concluding that it was their fault. In truth I wasn't angry at them, I was angry at myself. I was falling into old habits and it upset me. I wasn't one to mix well with others, never had been. Pushing people away seemed like my second nature, but during my high school years it had felt like I had taken several steps forward.

I met Fukutomi Juichi who introduced me to road racing and taught me how to let go of the past and my pent up frustration to move forward. The biking club of Hakone Academy became a constant in my life, something I could focus my energy on. Fuku-chan, how I called him affectionately, put up with me, and so did Shinkai Hayato and even Tōdō Jinpachi. All three of them have habits that overwork my patience, but they still stuck around, even when I complained or got angry. I guess that's what you call friendship.

Now, in my new dorm room all these things seemed so far away, however. It had been alright as long as I had been with my friends from Hakone Academy. But without them it felt like I had made so little progress and it scared me. What a pathetic mess I was!

.: :.

Juichi and I joined the biking club. First practice today. Had to think of you. Hayato :)

I narrowed my eyes at the text Shinkai sent me the second night of class. As soon as I finished reading it, I threw my phone on the mattress in annoyance.

"Shut up! Who cares about stuff like that?!" I shouted as if he was in the room with me.

Naturally, Shinkai couldn't hear me. He and Fuku-chan were attending Meisō University. It was said to have the best biking club, of course those two would go there. (Racing junkies.) I had even considered signing up for it myself, but decided against it. I had felt like I needed a cut. I didn't want to make myself dependant on Fuku-chan and follow him around, even though I considered him an important person in my life and he had my respect. I wasn't his lapdog or some shit like that.

This was a conclusion I'd come to before Tōdō had gotten obsessed with determining which university everyone was aiming for and going on about how it would only make sense for me to go to the same place as Fuku-chan. However, his lamenting about it only confirmed me in doing the exact opposite. (Really, if Tōdō is in favour of something, you're best advised to do the exact opposite. That's my impression anyway.)

Funnily enough, I'd never worried about following Shinkai around or growing dependent of him. Even when he had made it clear that he wanted something from me I wasn't used to be asked for. Even when I gave in and let him occupy my room for multiple hours a day. Even when the word "friendship" no longer could describe whatever it was that was developing between us. I thought it was mostly on his part and I just liked the attention he paid me. I was being a pitiful ignorant, though. The irony of my wrong assessment would come to bite me in the ass way sooner than I could've ever expected.

I didn't pick my phone up for at least two hours, only shot some angry glances at it as if it could convey my annoyance to Shinkai instead of me having to type out a reply. That was already more than that damn shithead deserved, I was certain. I couldn't even explain what set me off about his message. But I had this growing feeling that I was somehow lost without his seemingly endless patience and the arrival of his text felt like a reminder of that. (I did say the irony would come to bite me in the ass, I was just still in denial back then.)

Focus on the road ahead of you, you moron. There's no point in me racing you if you're slacking off already.

Even before I pressed "send" I felt like a fucking hypocrite. I hadn't signed up for the biking club yet and I was already considering not to, because it meant meeting more people I probably wouldn't get along with. Who was I to talk about racing Shinkai when I was the one failing to make it happen? I was such a moron!

The reply came almost immediately: Alright ;)

One simple word and a smiley was enough to make me fall back on my bed with a groan and cover my eyes with the back of my hand. I could picture his face with that gentle smile like everything was good and nothing could ruin his day. That damn, carefree Shinkai! I was sure he was doing fine when he'd been the one to worry about us being apart. Meanwhile here I was, finding myself wishing that he was with me, because I had the illusion that somehow that would make everything better. How ridiculous!

.: :.

My phone went off the following Friday night. It was a call and I could already guess who it was, before checking the caller I.D. on the display. For a moment I stared at Shinkai's name, reluctant to answer. The whole week I had been wishing he was here so I could whine to him and now that I had the chance to do so, I was hesitating. Could you get any more pathetic?

"What?" I demanded (maybe a little too harshly) when I finally answered the call.

There was a chuckle followed by an amused: "Hello to you, too."

I almost rolled my eyes in annoyance at his typical nonchalance, but I got side-tracked by my own ridiculous feelings. (How embarrassing!) The familiar voice came slightly obscured through the speaker, but it felt good to hear it anyway. As expected he wasn't taken aback by my greeting (or lack thereof).

"Are you getting clingy already?" I suggested, trying to cover up that I had wanted to hear his voice for the last couple of days by acting like he was calling way too soon.

"Hey now, I postponed this call all week," he defended himself jokingly. That damn moron couldn't even act like I was indifferent to him for a bit when he seemed to care about so little else.

"Told you, clingy," I concluded.

I didn't feel very sincere, but what could be expected. I was still avoiding to address really personal stuff, including talking about how I was feeling. Just the thought of discussing it was weird. For starters, I had no idea how to go about it. But most of all I couldn't shake the feeling that it would be something horrible to do. I can't even put it into words. Really, if you don't get what I'm talking about, don't make me try to explain.

"So, how was your first week?" Shinkai asked, ignoring my remark as the pointless jabbering it was.

"Ugh," I responded reflexively before I could stop myself. I paused, a little horrified that telling sound had gotten away from me. (Damn moron, that's what I was indeed.) I considered brushing over it, but knew there was no point in trying to keep up the facade.

"Dreadful," I admitted in all honesty.

"Oh." His voice shifted to a serious tone.

I cursed myself. So much for avoiding the topic. Usually I wouldn't think there was something like complaining too much, but in this case I wished my mouth ran less on automatism when it came to such things. I was getting really good at being pathetic and it was happening way too quickly for my liking.

Before he could say anything else I declared: "I don't want to talk about it!"

There was silence. Maybe he was debating whether he should try and pry it out of me. I was wondering if he was the type to do that.

Before I could find out, I inquired: "How did we become friends again?"

"Mh," Shinkai responded, giving it a moment of thought. "Through Juichi."

"Yeah, of course," I muttered.

I'd known that, it wasn't hard to remember, so I really didn't need him to remind me. But it wasn't what I had been going for with my question. Just because a common friend had made us acquainted, didn't mean we also had to end up getting along. What I was trying to determine was how we had come to put up with each other — especially how he had been willing to put up with me, considering how I basically drove everyone away. I didn't dare to specify my question, however. I was chickening out.

"Yasutomo—," he began, his tone way too heavy for my liking.

"Don't go all 'Yasutomo' on me now and sound so serious," I cut him off harshly. "Let me guess: 'What's up? You can tell me about all your problems.' You know I don't do stuff like that."

I was on the defence. Better to stop him from spelling it out by saying it myself than having to hear it in his voice with the emphasis he intended to give it. I could make it sound less severe, avoiding the emotional baggage which surely would come attached to it. (Because damn, did I dread that kind of stuff!)

The silence that followed made me uneasy nonetheless. I wondered if I had pushed him too far. Did this relationship stuff affect how I was supposed to talk to him and treat him? I hadn't made a difference in my behaviour regarding him ever since we had decided to give it a try. But maybe I was now required to bring up more patience for him or something. The thought was kind of scary.

"Are you going to tell me now that this is stupid and hang up the call?" Shinkai sounded as unfazed as ever, leaving me relieved that I didn't seem to have caused any damage I wouldn't know how to fix. (And yet I didn't realise how in deep I was already.)

"…no," I relented reluctantly. "It's just that...I don't know if I can do this."

There, I had spelled it out. That didn't make me feel better at all though, so fuck anyone who says it does. If so, it only made me feel worse. Great!

"This...as in...long-distance relationship stuff?" Shinkai inquired to make sure he was following me.

He had adopted my habit of using that term for whatever we had going. At first I had thought he was trying to tease me with it, but I guess like me he had no better way to put it. Maybe there was no right word for it anyway. I had gotten tired of trying to figure it out pretty quickly.

"No, university," I clarified. "Without you. And the others."

Another moment of silence followed. I felt strange after my confession, somehow vulnerable. I wasn't used to talking about myself and my troubles. I had this undeniable sense that no one could know, though I couldn't explain why I thought that. Part of me wanted to take back my words — or if I couldn't take them back then at least brush over things and change the topic. Though now that I had spelled it out, I was also a little curious to see what came from this.

"Do you want me to come visit?" Shinkai asked after a significant pause in which he seemed to have pondered what to say.

I was so taken aback by the suggestion, I could only call out an incredulous: "What?!"

"It's the weekend," he explained. "If I catch a train tomorrow morning and stay till Sunday night that should leave us with some time together."

The idea still had me baffled. I wanted to tell him that he shouldn't be ridiculous and forget about it. What a moron! Him coming to visit just because I was moping around with a bad mood seemed over the top. However, my mind got hung up on one thing in particular.

"From Saturday till Sunday?" I blurted out. "Where are you gonna sleep, moron?"

"Don't worry, I wasn't suggesting for us to share a bed," Shinkai chuckled and damn him for that.

"Good, because that's out of the question," I declared.

"I'd be taking the floor," he clarified.

I exclaimed a quick "ha!" as if to emphasise my scepticism about the whole thing. Really, I didn't know what else to say.

"So does that mean you're alright with me coming?" Shinkai inquired.

"I didn't say that!" I protested immediately.

Then I paused, my resistance to the whole undertaking dwindling. I had been wishing for him to come, after all. But it had been a stupid fancy of my mind, I reminded myself. Nothing had been supposed to come from it. Yet Shinkai had suggested it — and I got all confused about what to reply. Embarrassing!

"Why do you want to come anyway?" I muttered to gain some time before saying anything final about the topic.

"You built me up when I was worried about us parting ways," he pointed out without delay. "I want to do the same for you."

This was the kind of situation I had no clue how to handle. Shinkai made it sound like it was the most natural thing in the world when to me it was the exact opposite. Besides, I wasn't used to anyone offering to be there for me like that. I wanted to throw insults his way, because how could he make me flustered with a few plain words? That damn Shinkai!

"Ugh," I complained, "don't say stuff like that."

"Why not?" he wanted to know.

I didn't like the direction this was going into. We hadn't discussed a topic like this very often and I also didn't really have any previous experience to go by. Simply put, I didn't know what to expect. Dammit all!

"You know I'm not good with this emotional rubbish," I declared, trying to circumnavigate the core of the matter as much as possible.

"Is it so hard to imagine that anyone could care for you — that I care for you?"

There we were. Shinkai sounded like he was talking about something trivial like the weather, but for me it was like trying to cross a stream of lava. I was inexperienced and unequipped for something like this. And he should know, I thought grumpily, glaring at the wall, because I couldn't stare holes into his skull to punish him for throwing me into this mess.

It was only ever him who brought up things like this with me. In high school, he had been the one to suggest that Juichi liked me and seen me be completely bewildered at the mere idea of it. Even now I was still doubtful that Shinkai could be so invested in me, having him spell it out was something I couldn't stomach.

"Just…don't say it," I requested, trying to be gruff when really my voice was lacking the vehemence for that.

"Well, you asked me why I wanted to come," Shinkai pointed out. "Should I've made up a reason?"

"Fuck!" I exclaimed, realising the fault in my argument. "No, I don't know."

Leaning forward over my desk, I rested my head in my hand. This was getting too much for me. We had broached more subjects than I had the nerve to tackle. I needed to retreat and clear my head before it ended up exploding. What was this damn Shinkai doing to me?

"Fine," I relented, praying that I wouldn't come to regret it. "You can come tomorrow. Tell me when you'll arrive and I'll meet you at the station. But leave me alone with that other crap right now."

Surprisingly enough, Shinkai hesitated.

"You aren't agreeing to my visit to get me off your back, are you?" he asked carefully.

"No, I'm not." I was tempted to roll my eyes or sigh in exasperation or possibly both. Couldn't he just take a yes and be happy with it? Why were we still talking about this bullshit? "And even if I were, take what you can get and don't complain."

"Well, I just wanted to make sure that…" His voice trailed off. It was rare to have Shinkai search for words or leave a sentence unfinished.

"Make sure that what?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me even though part of me told me to let it go, so we could just be done with this conversation. Seriously, what was up with that?

"Make sure that you mean what you're saying," he concluded and I was surprised I did not groan out loud at that.

Of course it had to be something along those lines. I shouldn't even be surprised anymore, considering how deliberate he was to insure that the things progressed in a way which alright with me. Usually I appreciated it, but tonight I had used up too much energy on some emotional stuff I hadn't even wanted to go into. Or maybe I was just being an ass.

"Yeah, I mean it," I snapped, indicating that I was definitely through with the topic now. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Shinkai picked up on my tone, or maybe something else told him I was done. It didn't matter to me as long as he got my message.

"Alright," he concluded in his carefree tone. "I'll start packing then."

"You do that," I mumbled, wondering if I was allowed to end the call now, or if I was expected to hang on longer and discuss some trivial matter.

Thankfully Shinkai seemed willing to let me go. Or maybe he understood there was no point in trying to keep me on the phone.

"Goodnight, Yasutomo."

His farewell came as a relief. I really wouldn't have known how to try and explain to him that I was at my limit without exhausting myself even more. This is why I'm bad with people and even worse with emotional stuff.

"Night," I responded and hung up.

I let myself fall back onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling. Sometimes I felt actually bad for being such an ass.

.: :.

I tried not to run late, still I only barely made it to the station in time. The train was already arriving as I strolled up the stairs to the platform, trying not to show that I was a little out of breath from running here. I'd be damned before I let on that I actually was looking forward to see Shinkai. I wasn't that pathetic yet. There was still some pride I had left.

He hadn't changed since the last time we'd been together, I thought when I spotted him coming my way in between the other passengers. It had only been about three weeks I had to remind myself, but it felt like so much longer. I almost rolled my eyes at myself. Just how much had I missed him? Pathetic!

"It's good to see you," Shinkai greeted me with his usual light smile.

"Yeah," I responded, not saying that I felt likewise, but also not downright denying it.

I shot a glance at the station clock and lamented the time I'd had to get up to make it here. It was way too early to be out and about on a Saturday, for my liking anyway. (I was clearly still in denial about how much I cared for this moronic guy in front of me.)

"You really picked the earliest train," I pointed out, making it sound like exactly the complaint it was supposed to be.

"There was an earlier one, but I missed it."

I guess Shinkai wouldn't be Shinkai if he wouldn't take my basic level of annoyance with a smile and a simple statement like that. Damn him, how did he even do that?! I shot him a glare, but didn't bother arguing as we made our way out of the station.

.: :.

Shortly after our phone call, Shinkai had messaged me that he still needed to acquire some bedding he could sleep in and if it was alright for him to get it in town near Yonan. I told him not to make a fuss and so the first thing we did after he dropped off his bag at my room was head out for a department store.

I felt a little weird standing between the shelves as Shinkai explained with an unchanging expression to an employee that he needed the stuff for a trip he was making soon. I had to admit he was a good liar, not letting on anything about the fact that he was already on said trip. (Or maybe it was because I was self-conscious like a teenage girl who felt she had her insecurities written all over her face that this seemed like such a big deal to me.)

Somehow our little shopping adventure took up more time than I would've thought, so when we finally returned to my room with the stuff Shinkai needed to sleep it was already noon. I insisted we would not eat lunch at Yonan, but go to a diner in the area. I wanted to be relatively alone with Shinkai and not worry that some of my classmates might cross our path. Besides, we were used to invest some more money for our meals, since we had developed a habit of going out for them at Hakone Academy. Spoilt private school students, is what we were.

I left the talking to Shinkai mostly. He told me about the impression Fuku-chan had made on their teammates at Meisō's biking club and also had some news to share of Tōdō. The idiot was already bragging about the great time he was having — that was just like him.

"Tōdō texted me a few days ago," I threw in randomly. "I didn't reply. After a while he messaged me again, asking if I was ignoring him." I made a dismissive sound. "Moron, as if I'd reply with a 'yes' if it were true."

Shinkai didn't miss his chance to point out that I was in fact ignoring Tōdō. (Damn him, was that really necessary?!) I knitted my eyebrows and argued that I was having a bad week. I don't know why I suddenly felt like I had to justify myself. Especially since Shinkai made clear that he didn't mean it as a rebuke.

It probably shouldn't have surprised me that he even could tell me about how the biking club at Hakone Academy was doing. Izumida seemed to keep him up to date and had already referred to him for help. (Damn kid still needed to work on his self-esteem.) I pretended like it didn't concern me what our old club was doing, but it was kind of nice to hear about it, even if it was just for the fact that the names sounded familiar.

"You really keep in touch with everyone, don't you?" I noticed, almost impressed. "How do you even do that?"

Shinkai shrugged.

"I don't really do anything," he explained. "People text me and I text back occasionally. I don't put any particular effort into it."

"Huh?" I found that hard to believe. "I got a different impression from how you were the one calling me last night."

"Well, you're the exception," Shinkai declared point-blank.

I gritted my teeth. Once again he had made a statement which seemed simple enough, but came with a greater meaning and I just didn't know how to deal with that. Besides, the increasing frequency of these events had me worried. Damn shithead, what was he thinking?!

"Don't make it sound like I'm someone special," I mumbled, feeling a little flustered.

"But you are special," Shinkai insisted and I was already clenching my fist, ready to lunge over the table and punch him, just so he would stop right there and not say anything more before I couldn't handle it any longer. "Especially annoyed and angry and stubborn and—"

"Yeah, yeah, I get your point, shut up!" I cut him off. You might say I was being playful despite my brusque tone. Then I added more quietly: "That was a horrible pun."

But it was well appreciated. It had derived from the emotional heaviness of the situation which I had dreaded. So I was certainly thankful for that, even if I wouldn't tell him.

Shinkai just kept on smiling like always as if he knew something nobody else did. The only noticeable change was how he cocked his head while still looking at me. It added a curious touch to his gaze, something that made me feel scrutinised and a little uncomfortable. I had noticed him doing that before and heaven only knows what's going through his head in these moments. I had definitely no clue and while most of me didn't want to know there was a part of me — a significant part — who was curious.

"Is that the 'I want to kiss you'-face?" I asked and picked up my glass to have a sip. I was trying to make fun of the situation while also seriously wanting to know. (That's at least what I thought.)

"No," Shinkai denied and my alarm bells should've been ringing at how his smile faded. (I was too busy enjoying my Bepsi though, still the best drink out there.) "I just look at you and realise all the things I love about you."

My eyes went wide and I nearly choked. I had to put down the glass in fear of spilling something. (Can't have the good Bepsi all over the table. That would be a waste.) It wasn't a love confession, but it was so unexpected and so damn close to one I honestly was considering to get up and run. Damn Shinkai for putting it like that. Damn me for asking.

Somehow I managed to stay put and keep my calm. (Though in my opinion he deserved a punch.)

"Yeah," I said, dragging out the word, "forget I asked."

Shinkai smiled again as if he was having some delightful thoughts about my reaction. However, I dared him to keep his mouth shut with a dark glare. Either he got the message or he didn't need me to tell him. Was there are chance he knew me this well already? The thought sent a chill down my spine and I nearly squirmed in my seat. Dammit, just how had things come this far?

.: :.

We wasted the rest of the day away. So far there had always been something to occupy us while we spent time together. But with barely any school work since it was still the first week at university we weren't quite sure how to fill our afternoon, since neither of us was the type to talk for hours.

The weather was nice, so we strolled across campus. Shinkai asked me about the biking club and I reluctantly admitted I hadn't joined yet. He gave me this searching look as if he was trying to read my mind. I rolled my eyes and gave in to spare him the effort of guessing what was up. (Since when did I do something like that without being forced?)

"I've been postponing it, because it means more people that will probably just piss me off," I murmured.

He nodded. I couldn't tell if he actually understood or if he was just trying to give me some confirmation. It had me be wary of what would come next. After all he was the kind to have way too much optimism and positivity than I felt was advisable for anyone.

"Maybe just focus on riding for the start," Shinkai suggested thoughtfully, "like you did at Hakone. The rest might just develop by chance, you never know."

I was positively surprised by that surmise. If I was honest I'd have expected a dismissive "you'll be fine" or something otherwise cheery that ended up disregarding my worries completely. (Silly as I thought myself they were.) But he was trying to encourage me without doing that and it had an effect.

"Alright, I'll check it out on Monday," I offered. I made it sound like he'd worn me out by begging and I was only giving in to have my peace when I still didn't really want to go. I just couldn't give a heartfelt "thank you that actually made me feel better about things" speech or anything like that. I could never admit to these things.

Shinkai smiled again. Maybe he saw through me, maybe he was just glad I was willing to give it a try. I wasn't sure how well he'd figured me out by then, I didn't really want to know. The thought remained too scary for me to ponder.

.: :.

Spending so much time with Shinkai I'd come to think a lot about physical contact. For him, touching seemed to come natural. Especially in the beginning when he had only just started to hang out in my room there had been moments where he would apologise for grabbing my hand or reaching for my shoulder. I suspected he was acting on instinct, though until then I'd never really thought him to be the type to get this physically close to people.

Meanwhile I didn't know where to draw the line.

Shinkai tried his best to accommodate me, I could tell. Actually, he was fussing about things a bit too much for my liking. I probably would've never thought of bringing up physical contact as something to avoid between us, if he hadn't noted how I tense up when being touched. (How intensely had he watched me anyway to notice that, that moron?!)

The truth is: physical contact is weird for me. I don't usually initiate it — unless I need to vent and try to pick a fight, then I won't hesitate to grab someone's collar. And yes, there's a certain discomfort to it that makes me tense when being touched. I guess I prefer it if people keep their hands off me, but it's not like I absolutely can't stand it. And really, I only became aware of this once Shinkai had brought it up.

So I had started to debate how much I was able and willing to handle. I definitely was comfortable with having my own space that no one disrupted, but I was also a little curious. You never know if you don't try, or something. Like when Shinkai kissed me and for an instance I had attempted to go along with it. I had never understood what was supposed to be the big deal with kissing, and even after letting it happen when Shinkai had pressed his lips on mine it just didn't make sense to me: the repetitive movement felt like a hassle, the tongue seemed out of place, let alone the saliva — simply the thought of it could send an unpleasant shiver down my spine on some days. Gross!

That was the only thing I was sure I never wanted to experience again. With everything else I just couldn't tell how I would fair. Would it be like Tōdō talking my ear off? Something I found annoying and would never fail to complain about, but still subjected myself to, because there were worse things and I kind of appreciated Shinkai didn't turn away from me. Or would it be like riding at the very front of the Inter-High? Something I hadn't been able to imagine being amazing in the slightest until I had experienced it for myself. Though I couldn't believe it would end up being so bad I would come to vehemently detest it.

None of these thoughts I had actually brought up with Shinkai. Apart from the fact that I didn't know how to put them into words, I also wasn't sure I was ready to try it out yet. Though chances were I would never feel ready and just let things continue as they were. Besides, how would I go about it? Ask for a hug? The idea alone was ridiculous, so I pushed it aside.

It shouldn't be surprising that these thoughts resurfaced the night Shinkai was lying on my bedroom floor and we were waiting for sleep to come. I was listening to his faint breathing in the dark and wondering what it would be like to have him lie right next to me. Would I be able to bear that? The theory didn't even sound that bad, but I wasn't willing to trust myself on it.

Besides, I didn't know how to bring it up. Usually I had such a big mouth, but there I was struggling with words. I got annoyed enough at myself to almost click my tongue, but that would've drawn Shinkai's attention and then what would I say. Probably that I was being a complete moron, because that was the damn truth.

My hesitation became so infuriating to me that I didn't even care anymore whether I was ready to progress things in that direction or not. I just wanted to stop acting like a damn child who was too worried to open their mouth. It couldn't be so damn hard now, could it?

"Oi, Shinkai," I asked into the dark. "Are you awake?"

Rustling of the bedsheets announced his movements. "Mhm, I'm still awake."

The words were on my lips but I was still hesitating to let them cross. To be fretting over something till the very last second, how pathetic! If you want something done then do it, otherwise don't even bother. Unbelievable that I was still wavering like a little chicken. Was I almost nineteen or a damn nine-year-old?

"Come here!" I demanded, pushing through my silly little worries.

"Mh?" I could hear him ask, followed by a small pause as if he needed to make sense of my words first. "To your bed?"

"Just get over here," I insisted, not liking the prospect of having to explain myself.

His bedsheets rustled again and a moment later I could hear the dull sound of feet on the floor. I scooted over until my back was almost against the wall to let Shinkai slide beneath the covers next to me. He was close enough for me to make out traces of his features in the dark.

"Is this what you want?" he inquired in a low tone which seemed to lack his usual carefreeness.

"Yeah, shut up!" I ordered. "I'm trying something."

His breath was warm on my skin and I wrinkled my nose at the sensation. I wasn't used to it and I couldn't say it was pleasant, though maybe I could learn to ignore it or put up with it. It was also shallow and uneven.

"Don't tell me you're nervous." I frowned disapprovingly. Bad enough that I had been fretting about this. I needed him to be his usual confident self, so I could push him away if it got too much without having to worry about how he'd take. Damn moron, couldn't he be more reliable?

"I can't help it." He seemed to be back to the nonchalance I was used of him. Though maybe he was just trying to mask his insecurity. I didn't like the thought of that, so I didn't dwell on it.

"You're asking me to do something you never requested before and won't tell me the reason. What is a boy to think of that?" The last sentence confirmed it: he was definitely teasing me. I didn't even care if he was putting up a front, he did a great job at annoying me with it.

"Tze," I exclaimed and cursed him for making me put this into words. "I told you I'm trying something. Isn't this what this whole relationship stuff is about: us trying out what works and what doesn't?"

Shinkai didn't argue with that. Maybe he was taking my words from the night before to heart: take what you can get and don't complain. That would definitely be welcome to me. Generally, I approved that he was so accommodating and didn't assault me with things like it had happened with that kiss, but too much of it was just getting annoying. I was old enough and I didn't hesitate to speak my mind, I didn't need anyone to ask me if I was sure I wanted something or was alright with it as if I was a little child.

A strand of my hair decided to be an annoying shit and slipped into my face. It hung weirdly across my forehead and tickled my eyelashes. I blinked, but that didn't make it better. I should've just shoved it out of my sight, but my hands were lying between Shinkai and me and I felt caught. Technically that wasn't true, I'm sure, I was just being ridiculous

In the faint glow of the street lights coming through the window I could make out how Shinkai raised his hand from beneath the cover. He moved it towards me and then paused in midair, hesitating. I wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but I could tell he was holding back out of consideration for me as he was prone to do by now.

"No, don't stop there," I told him. "Do what you were going to do."

My breath was a little shaky and I felt tense with the expectation of what was about to happen. He began moving his hand again. Slowly, he brushed the strand of hair out of my face. At first his fingertips barely touched my skin, but he didn't leave it at that. Shinkai rested his hand at the side of my head. His thumb stroked over my brow before his fingers glided downwards.

I grew tenser the longer the contact lasted. He didn't stop at my neck, but kept progressing. The fabric of my shirt getting between our skin lessened the intensity of his touch a little, but I still had to fight the urge to back away when his hand lingered on my chest. (How would I have evaded him though, backed up against the wall as I was. I had basically trapped myself there.)

Shinkai inched closer as his hand slid around to my back. I endured as he pulled me into an embrace and pressed his face against my shoulder. My arms felt out of place, caught somewhere between our bodies, so I reluctantly slid them around his back. He inhaled deeply, the whiff tickling the bare skin of my neck. I was tempted to roll my eyes at his apparent obsession with my scent. I had been aware of it for a while now, but it still felt extremely weird to have him sniff me instead of my bedsheets. (What was he, a dog or something?)

The heat of his body was seeping through my clothes and my skin. It was way too warm, way too close — and still he kept inching closer. When Shinkai put his knee on my upper leg I felt like things were going too far.

"Oi, are you trying to suffocate us both?" I grumbled.

He seemed to catch my drift, because he backed off immediately. "Too much?"

"Yeah, too much," I confirmed.

"Want me to leave?" he inquired.

It felt like a harsh request after luring Shinkai into my bed and inviting him to do what he wanted and touch me. He didn't sound disappointed though — and since when was I one to worry about these things anyway? I didn't bend for others unless it suited me. Shinkai had been around me for long enough to know that. (Didn't stop him from trying to get me to do something. Like I wasn't aware of what a manipulative shit he could be!)

"Yes," I agreed and he accepted it without hesitation.

"Alright," he concluded and I could hear the smile in his voice again. (How does someone smile this much, is still beyond me.)

Unexpectedly, he leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek.

"Goodnight Yasutomo," he whispered. The same words he'd used the night before.

I was too surprised to show any outward reaction. I could only stare and watch as his shadow slipped out of my bed.

"Night," I muttered with delay.

It wasn't easier for me to fall asleep after that. If anything, my mind was too wired now for me to find sleep anytime soon. I turned around a few times, just because I was so worked up.

That damn Shinkai! What was he doing to me?

.: :.

By the time I finally fell asleep, there didn't seem to be much of the night left. At least that was how it felt to me, because the morning came way too soon. It greeted me with daylight falling through my window and I responded with a groan. Damn me for forgetting to close the curtains! I didn't like being ripped out of my sleep by daylight just because they had remained open all night. Damn things should learn to close themselves if they knew what was good for them!

"Good morning," Shinkai's voice greeted me as he seemed to have noticed that I'd stirred awake.

Even before turning around and blinking to get adjusted to the light and make him out standing in my room I could tell he was chewing on something. Damn glutton!

"Morning," I grumbled wearily, rolling onto my stomach and pressing my face into the pillow.

"I hope I didn't wake you," he offered, unwrapping a power bar. I was willing to bet he'd brought a whole ration of those things. Banana flavour, his favourite. (However I knew that.)

I pulled my head out of the pillow and turned it sideways to look at him. "Unless you started radiating like the sun and are the reason it's so bright in here, then no, you didn't."

"Oh?" His tone was pleasantly surprised. "A joke from you? And I thought you might be grumpy."

"I am grumpy," I assured him. "When am I ever not grumpy?"

He chuckled. "Your self-awareness is delightful."

"Delightful my ass," I exclaimed, displeased with his choice of words.

I pulled out the pillow from under my head and threw it at him with a lazy arm. Of course I missed him. Grinning he stepped over to where it had fallen down and returned the favour. His aim was better than mine and the pillow landed on my back. Not bothering with it, I sat up and peeled myself out of bed.

"Anyway, I'm taking a shower," I declared, strolling over to the wardrobe to collect the things I'd need. "There's cereal in that cupboard over there. If you want milk you'll have to get it from the fridge in the dorm kitchen."

"I think I can wait till you're back," Shinkai noted.

I shot him a pointed glare. "It's not like you're stuffing your face with these power bars like you're starving."

He grinned, but didn't reply. Moron!

.: :.

It was too early to be up on a Sunday. My dorm mates seemed to agree, because I came across none of them. They probably were still asleep in their beds, lucky shits! I envied them for getting the rest I was desperately yearning for.

The pro was that Shinkai and I could eat in the kitchen without anyone disturbing us. I rarely witnessed him having breakfast, but I wasn't surprised to find he had a big appetite as always. I honestly don't know how he does it. My stomach is still asleep in the morning and revolts at the thought of food, so I have to force it down if I manage to eat anything at all. Not very handy if you're an athlete.

"What did you tell Fuku-chan about where you are this weekend?" I wanted to know out of a spontaneous curiosity.

Shinkai chewed his mouthful and swallowed before answering: "I told him I'd be visiting someone and I'd be back tonight." He paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth. (He was greedy, but at least he didn't wolf everything down.) "Why? Do you think we should tell him?"

I shrugged and poked around in my bowl of cereal. "He probably wouldn't care anyway. He's not like Tōdō after all."

He chuckled in response — as far as that was possible with a spoon full of cereal sticking in his mouth. (I did not say his eating manners were without flaws, did I?)

"You can tell Fuku-chan I said hey," I offered. I felt like I should let my former captain know I was still alive or something. "If you tell him that you visited me is up to you."

"Mhh," he said with a grin. "Leaving the hard stuff to me, are you?"

Of course he was teasing. I told him to shut up which he commented with another chuckle. That wasn't even worth an eye-roll on my part.

.: :.

Sunday passed in a similar manner as Saturday. We hung about in my room or strolled across campus. The time for Shinkai to leave came sooner than expected. I told him to leave the bedding here, just in case. He grinned at me like the damn tease he was and asked if I wanted him to come and visit again. Just to spite him, I told him that he shouldn't count on it. The truth was however, that I was hoping for him to come again sometime — and if I had to pathetically beg him myself. Damn Shinkai!

Before we headed out to the station — because yes, I was going to see him off like a damn little puppy — Shinkai asked to hug me. I gave in begrudgingly, telling him he was making too much of a fuss about departing. As it turned out, that hug was the best kind of physical contact we'd ever had until then. I was still tense at his touch, but I could actually find a little comfort in the warmth of his body. I was almost reluctant to let him go, embarrassingly so.

.: :.

Like I had discussed with Shinkai, I went to check out Yonan's biking club on Monday. The time with him had evaporated most of my current frustration and I felt a lot calmer. When I strolled into the club room I was surprised to find some familiar faces there. Kinjō and Machimiya whom I had raced in the Inter-High turned out to be at Yonan as well.

Machimiya got all excited about seeing me. I guess me buying him a Bepsi was enough for him to consider us best friends. He was different from the way he'd been when I met him — less angry and more cheerful — but I didn't really mind.

Kinjō acknowledged me with a quiet nod of his head which was welcome. But it took only a few days till he asked me if I wanted to be his assist. I could tell what he was going for: we'd certainly be up against Fuku-chan sooner or later and Kinjō wasn't intending to lose against him. I was totally down for it, it was matching my own plans of racing Fuku-chan and Shinkai.

.: :.

Coexisting with my classmates became easier. I managed to no longer scare everyone off and the group projects which sometimes were required became bearable. I still focused on the biking club and the people there — namely Kinjō and Machimiya. We didn't have classes together, but we had road racing and we had free time to spend.

Kinjō wasn't a man of many words which suited me well. Meanwhile Machimiya could reach levels comparable to Tōdō when it came to talking. I got to complain, so I was in my element. It was almost a little nostalgic — if I were more susceptible to this kind of crap. But it felt like I had finally arrived at Yonan University.

When I mentioned this to Shinkai, he told me he was honestly glad I seemed to have found my place. I groaned, because I felt ridiculous. I was proud, but I didn't want to admit it — I was rejecting the feeling. Why had I brought it up in the first place? It was probably down to that stupid relationship stuff. Damn that Shinkai, for dragging me into this!

.: :.

I didn't have to beg him to come visit me again, Shinkai brought it up himself. This time I didn't hesitate to agree — that should've been enough admission on my part for now. We joked about only doing it so the bedding we'd bought last time wouldn't go to waste. We used the same reason as pretext the next time, and the next. It became a habit without us ever really discussing it. Who would've thought I'd end up like this, so dependent on another person — that damn moron with his nonchalant smile and power bars he keeps stuffing his face with!

We kept experimenting with touching. The hugs I adjusted to surprisingly soon and with very little discomfort. The other things took some more out of me. I would let Shinkai crawl beneath the sheets with me, I would let him wrap his arms around me with his breath hot against my neck that would send a shiver down my spine. I can't tell how long I lasted each time, but eventually I always had to ask him to leave, because I just couldn't fall asleep with his body so close to mine.

.: :.

Shinkai asked to kiss me — not on the mouth, he knew I'd never compromise on that. But when his lips touched my skin I didn't mind so much. He took a liking to my neck, sucking and nibbling at it whenever I let him. He might've wandered deeper, if I hadn't restricted him from going beyond the collar of my shirt, just like his hands weren't allowed to reach lower than my waist.

I didn't mind the kisses, actually. Basically, I barely even felt them — or maybe I thought I should feel them more. I was detached, my mind wandering, my skin hardly registering the touch. It rarely bothered me and Shinkai seemed to find some weird pleasure in it, so I let him have the fun.

.: :.

Like that our first semester at university passed and suddenly we were faced with a problem. Shinkai's visits had become almost regular every weekend, but with summer break coming up I wasn't sure how to make that happen. We would both be going home, after all it would last over a month. Over a month without Shinkai — I didn't like the sound of that as unwilling as I was to admit it. (Is that what you call co-dependency? Scary!) But the idea of having Shinkai come to my parents' was something I initially rejected.

So far I had been able to do whatever I'd wanted to without having to tell my parents about it. During classes I was staying at the dorms and in high school the breaks were rather short and I'd be home at my parents' for maybe two weeks. I'd never been one to talk about what was going on in my life and my parents had gotten used to that. But bringing someone home with me was bound to raise questions, after all I'd never done it before.

Yet, what were the alternatives? Just meeting Shinkai for a day out, away from my parents so they couldn't wonder about it? The lack of privacy wasn't very appealing to me. Me visiting Shinkai which might leave me with less to explain but meant I would meet his parents? Hell no, I wasn't ready for that! But not seeing Shinkai all summer was out of the question. I cursed him for making me so pathetic, but in the end I still invited him over to my house.

"Shinkai's coming to visit," I declared to my parents. When they were confused who Shinkai was, I added: "We went to high school together." No further explanation was given. I didn't say he was a friend, I didn't say he was something else. I told my parents for how long he'd be around and that was that.

.: :.

Despite the arrangements turning out to be this easy to make, I was a little nervous the day Shinkai arrived at my house. Ridiculous as it was, I worried he might say or do something that would give anything away about the nature of our relationship. I wasn't ready for anyone to learn about it, because I feared the curious questions and being unable to explain what it was exactly that was going on between us. Besides, it was nobody's business. Still I knew how people tend to act like someone else's private matters are their concern.

My worries were unfounded. Shinkai let nothing on when my parents were around and only became affectionate when we were sure to be alone. In fact his calm and friendly demeanour won my parents over easily and they were happy to have him. I entertained the thought of informing them that Shinkai was the man I was going to grow old with just to see their reaction. Of course it was a complete crackpot idea and I would never follow through with it. But I chuckled at the thought.

.: :.

"So," Shinkai began while chewing on the last bite of his power bar, "our one-year-anniversary is coming up this autumn."

It was the last week of his stay and we were hanging out in my room after our daily training in the summer heat (which I hadn't failed to complain about). Shinkai had just recently returned from the bath and his hair was still wet and tousled. But he'd already had a power bar between his mouth when he'd come in. (That damn glutton seriously had brought his snacks to the bathroom again!)

Meanwhile I was resting on my bed. I'd sat down on the edge of it and let myself fall backwards onto the mattress. Exhausted from the biking course, I'd barely moved since then. I'd only looked up briefly when Shinkai had entered the room and then put my head back to rest immediately. I'm not one to watch people, so I hadn't felt like straining my neck just to see him put away his stuff.

When he started talking, though, I forced myself to sit back up, stemming my hands into the mattress for support.

"What?" I questioned, not following what he was trying to say.

"You know," Shinkai said, scrunching up the wrapper of the consumed power bar in his hand and aiming to throw it in the bin, "the day you told me you were willing to give it a try."

He threw and missed the bin by at least an arm's length. So he walked over to where the wrapper had dropped on the floor and picked it up.

"You actually remember what day that was?" I asked incredulously, stretching out my legs. "You got it marked in your calendar or something?"

This time Shinkai didn't miss the bin. (It would've been embarrassing if he had, considering how close he was standing to it now.) He just shrugged at my question as if it was no big deal. "Sure."

"Tze," I remarked, because I didn't know what else to say.

I'd never thought about giving something like that any weight. Now I wondered if that was what people usually did. It seemed ridiculous.

"Maybe we should do something...special for it," he suggested, pushing a few wet strands out of his face.

"No," I shut him down instinctively. I didn't have to think about it, however, to know it wasn't something I was keen on. It sounded like the kind of fuss I never understood and probably never will.

"Yasutomo—," Shinkai tried, simply standing in the middle of the room.

"It's just another day," I cut him off before he could even make his argument.

He cocked his head and pursed his lips. I could feel a groan rise up in my lungs, before he even said the word. "Please?"

I narrowed my eyes at him and scrutinised him sceptically.

"Don't you try using that face on me, you manipulative shit!" I warned him. "I know exactly what you're trying to do."

For a moment Shinkai just looked at me without moving. Then he straightened up and dropped the act. A knowing smile spread on his lips.

"So you noticed," he simply concluded. "I guess it's lost its power then."

I rolled my eyes. Of course I'd noticed. I'd been aware of it even before he'd kissed me. What did it say about me that I'd let him get away with it all this time without ever calling him out on it? After all complaining about people's habits is something I do regularly. I couldn't say why I'd left this particular behaviour of Shinkai uncommented until now — or maybe I didn't want to admit the reason: He'd gotten under my skin.

I pushed the thought aside. I didn't really know what to make of this revelation. Instead I grabbed the pillow from my bed and threw it at Shinkai. He looked at me in surprise as if he couldn't believe I'd just done that. Then a mischievous grin spread on his face. He picked up the pillow and came walking towards me.

Even though I saw his assault coming, I didn't have the energy to evade it. He began hitting me playfully with the pillow and brought down one knee on the mattress next to my leg as he was closing in. I fended him off half-heartedly, but he was at the advantage, almost on top of me now. The pillow dropped out of his hands as he used them to keep my arms in check. When he brought up his other knee on the bed, however, he lost his balance and toppled over, taking me down with him. I fell backwards, his weight pressing me into the mattress.

Shinkai laughed, his breath hot in my ear. It took him a short moment to calm down. I was buried beneath him and I guess you could say it wasn't my favourite position to be in. I don't get people who voluntarily carry others around. It seems like such a hassle.

"Get off me," I complained, trying to push him from me. "You're heavy!"

He didn't object and lay down on his side next to me on the mattress. I had to turn my head sideways to look at him and found him watching me with a certain mesmerisation. The smug grin had vanished from his lips and the look in his eyes was of an intensity I still found hard to hold. My gaze followed the movement of his hand as best as I could as he raised it and pushed back a strand of hair which had hung over my forehead. His fingers rested at my temple and my eyes locked with his again. I was daring myself to hold it as long as possible, because he didn't seem like he'd look away anytime soon.

"I love you."

Three words, plain and simple. And effective at making my brain fail for an instant. I stared at him, trying to process what he'd just uttered. A part of me insisted that I must've misheard something.

"Oi, what the fuck are you saying?" I demanded weakly.

"I said I love you," Shinkai repeated without hesitation.

Of course I'd clearly heard him the first time, I just didn't know what to respond. I love you, too? Was that even true? I still hadn't figured out yet what it was exactly that I was feeling for him. But I doubted he wanted me to say anything that I wasn't certain about just because it might sound nice or seemed to be the expected reply.

"I know what you said," I grumbled. "But you just can't spring something like that on me. What the fuck do you want me to say to that?"

There was that soft smile again, spreading over his lips. I wrecked my brain to try and figure out its meaning. I honestly wanted to get this right, because I knew what he said was important, but I failed to figure it out on my own and Shinkai was too cryptic to be of any help so far. Damn him!

"Nothing," was the reply I got.

If it was possible I was more confused than before. I had figured people say this kind of thing to someone in order to get some sort of confirmation from them that they were feeling the same. I couldn't imagine him telling me how he felt if he wasn't expecting some kind of (hopefully positive) response from me.

"What do you mean 'nothing'?" I asked in puzzlement. "Then why tell me?"

His smile widened as if my question somehow amused or delighted him.

"Because I want you to know," he explained as if it was the simplest thing in the world, leaving me baffled. "You don't have to say anything in return, you don't have to feel the same, but I want you to know."

My expression blank, I blinked. Once. Twice. My brain was taking its damn time to fully register his words. He just wanted me to know, he loved me. What the hell?! I would've never expected anyone to say something like that to me — except maybe my parents and they rarely did. (Talk about being bad at expressing your feelings. It seemed to run in the family.) And yet here Shinkai was all earnest — because he wouldn't say it if he didn't actually mean it, I knew him well enough to understand that.

I closed my eyes, momentarily overwhelmed by the situation. I wanted to respond, say something that had meaning, tell him that I cared — but words are just so damn hard sometimes.

"Hayato, what are you doing to me?" I complained with a sigh. I hadn't meant for it to sound exasperated, I just felt defeated, because my mind was coming up blank.

"It's not on purpose." Shinkai sounded almost apologetically. "Just like I'm sure what you're doing to me isn't on purpose."

My eyes snapped open and I gazed at him, speechless. I didn't have to utter a word though, the question for clarification must've been written all over my face.

"When you're close to me I have that fluffy, joyous feeling in my stomach without you having to do anything in particular," Shinkai began to describe. "At times my knees get weak." His smile widened for a brief moment and he huffed out some air as if he was laughing at his own ridiculousness.

"You're on my mind so often, it's like you moved in there." His fingers were playing with strands of my hair. It felt distracting, however his words had me too baffled to do anything about it. All I could do was raise my eyebrows at him. "I could watch your face for ages as it goes through levels of annoyance, like the way you're frowning now."

With everything he said I felt more self-conscious. I didn't even have it in me to roll my eyes, I was simply at a loss of how to react. I wasn't used to people pointing out the habits of mine they'd noticed — and if so it had never been something positive. There we had it: I was nineteen and didn't fucking know how to take a compliment. It was just too damn strange.

"I love the sound of your voice and treasure the moments when you speak more softly." Shinkai's thumb was caressing my temple. "I make it my task to get you to do things you say are ridiculous, but will do anyway if you care enough, because I know it's not easy to achieve."

I couldn't tell how he was able to put all those things into words. I had no idea what to say or think or feel. My mind was a mess. There were so many impressions all at once — his affectionate words, his fingers in my hair and on my skin. I felt like my thoughts were in utter chaos, but they were covered beneath a layer of blankness. Neither was helping.

"I know this must be a lot to take in and you don't have to respond," Shinkai offered, "but please can we do something special for our one-year-anniversary?"

A change of topic, as if to take the pressure of having to form a response from me. For once I didn't want to let it go, though. This no longer was about anniversary plans I wasn't willing to make — not to me. I still didn't see the point of doing something special for it, whatever that meant. But I wanted him to know as well, know that I cared and no special plan for an anniversary could do that justice.

I briefly closed my eyes to collect myself. What was I going to say that could convey all that? I wanted to let him know that he'd become the exception in so many things. Yeah, maybe that was it. All those things that he got me to do — that I was willing to do, but didn't want to admit. Maybe it was time to let go of my pride or whatever was keeping from it and confess them.

When I met his gaze again I had set my jar in determination. I must've looked grim, because Shinkai's smile had faded and he seemed a little insecure for once. I tried not to let it distract me and focused on getting the words out instead.

"I reply to your texts way sooner and more often than I usually would," I began. His fingers were still nestled in my hair, though they had stopped moving. I blended them out as best as I could. "I ask you to come visit me, because I'm used to having you around me."

I still felt silly for saying it, but I was dead-set on not stopping there, despite how unused I was to expressing my feelings like that. I wanted to pull through with it.

"I let you hold me and cuddle up to me in bed," I mumbled. "I let you kiss my neck even though I still don't see the point of that and probably never will. I let you get away with those manipulation tactics of yours when I'd probably shoot anyone else to the moon if they that."

He didn't pull his hand away even though it was stuck aimlessly in my hair. He was looking at me in wonder, almost enthralled.

"I told you stuff I find hard to talk about or struggle putting into words," I admitted sheepishly. "So honestly, I don't know what other special things I could do for you."

I struggled not to avert my eyes. There was that feeling again, like I'd said too much — way too much — and I wanted to take everything back. I fought against it. In the back of my mind I knew why this kept happening with Shinkai, even though I wasn't able to spell it out yet. I didn't like laying myself bare and there was no special trick coming with this relationship stuff that made it suddenly easier when it came to him. But it seemed worth trying. Maybe I could get used to it over time as I'd gotten accustomed to the cuddling and the neck kisses.

Shinkai looked at me quietly. I felt tense lying there and waiting for his response. Maybe I was holding my breath even. I didn't fear rejection — not after the effort he'd put into being with me and not after he'd told me he loved me. But I needed him to take over from here, because I didn't know how to continue. Besides, I wasn't really used to him looking so serious.

Finally a wide smile spread out on his face.

"I was thinking of going out for dinner or to the cinema," he pointed out, amusement audible in his voice.

I narrowed my eyes at his suggestion and pursed my lips. I wasn't sulking — well, maybe a little bit.

"You know that dating crap doesn't suit me," I grumbled. "That just sounds like trying to force it."

Shinkai chuckled softly. "Okay, so nothing special for our anniversary."

His fingers wandered around to the back of my neck and he leaned in. His lips didn't go for my cheek like I would've expected, he placed them on my forehead. My features relaxed and I blinked slowly at the gesture. It was something he'd never done before and it caught me off guard.

"You're right," he whispered, mouth hovering over my brow, "I couldn't ask for more."

Shinkai rested his head back on the mattress so we were on eye level, our foreheads almost touching. I rolled over, bringing my body closer to his. My gaze was fixated on my hand as it tentatively reached out for him. It was rare for me to even have the thought of initiating physical contact, but right now I wanted to touch him.

My fingers found his upper arm and I dared to wrap them lightly around his muscles. I could feel his breath shakily brushing over my skin. His scent was in my nose. I was thinking that my limbs seemed so heavy and inept when it came to being this close to him. I didn't know what to do with them.

Shinkai always made it seem so easy. Even now he was effortlessly slipping the hand that had held on to my neck down my chest and then wrapped his arms around me. I let him pull me in and moved my hand around to the back of his shoulder. I tried easing into the embrace, pressing my mouth against his shirt while breathing through my nose which left me almost hyper-aware of his scent. My mind was still sort of restless, wandering from one thing to another. I still had troubles to let go and simply be in moments like this.

But maybe that was alright, even if it never changed. I was with Shinkai, I wanted for him to hold me. A year ago I couldn't have imagined that. When he'd suggested things between us becoming different from how they had been until then it had seemed like an absurd idea to me. How far things had come since then — how far we had come. And I didn't regret it.

.

.

.