Shame washed over her as the pod ejected from the Star Destroyer. What had she succumbed to, in that closet? What part of her had held onto that carnal temptation and had now allowed her such a profound lapse in judgment?
She closed her eyes, burning with embarrassment. Unbidden, the image of his dark, pleading stare met her in the darkness. She ignited her lightsaber, letting out a scream of frustration, and she slashed at her own memory as if it stood before her.
The pod shuddered as it was caught in a tractor beam. She turned off the saber, peering out through the window to be sure it was the rebels who had caught her. The Millennium Falcon floated before her in a sea of stars, and a sense of relief washed over her. Home.
Too quickly, however, the sense of shame returned. She felt as if her tryst with Kylo Ren was broadcast on her face and she was sure someone would see it, and reveal her to everyone as a traitor. Irrationally, she wanted to cover herself, to hide so that no one would know her secret shame.
The loud crash of the bay door opening startled her back to reality a moment before her pod clashed onto the floor of the Falcon's cargo bay. She swallowed against the lump in her throat, steeling herself for the reunion she knew awaited her beyond the door. A knot twisted in her stomach as she opened the release hatch.
"Rey!" exclaimed a voice. Finn. "You made it!"
She climbed out of the pod, afraid her trembling legs would send her tumbling to the ground. "Yes," she managed, flashing a triumphant smile half of a second too late to be natural. Finn engulfed her in a friendly embrace. She returned it woodenly. Could he smell him on her?
The ship creaked and trembled as they made the jump to light speed. Finn's arm was around her shoulders as they ascended to the cockpit. He was babbling happily about her completed mission, but she didn't hear a word.
They arrived to the lounge just as Poe climbed out of the cockpit. Chewbacca roared a greeting through the door. Poe clasped her hand in a firm, congratulatory handshake. "Well done, Rey. You have the flight plan, I assume?"
Rey's hand was numb as she reached into her shirt to pull out the disc she had gone to obtain. Her skin burned suddenly where his lips had kissed her. It felt as if bright red traces would appear for everyone to see. The disc clattered onto the table, but she did not look down at it.
Poe's eyes scanned her, his brows furrowed with worry. "You saw him. Kylo Ren." It was a statement, though he had tried to keep his inflection in the territory of a question.
Her entire encounter on the Star Destroyer played in her mind in rapid-fire flashes. Saw him? "Yes," she said. It was a struggle to make her voice even.
"Are you alright?" asked Poe, and at the same time Finn: "Did he hurt you?"
"I'm fine," she said, in answer to both of them. "I'm just exhausted."
Poe nodded. He knew the look of stress in her eyes, and understood when not to push the subject. "We are a few hours from our rendezvous with General Organa and the Resistance. You should get some sleep."
Finn started to make up a cot near them, but Rey stopped him. "I want to change," she said, "these clothes smell like the First Order. I'll nap in the bunks."
"Don't worry," said Poe, his voice gentle. "We'll wake you if anything happens."
Rey nodded, trying to have a reassuring look on her face as she turned from Poe to Finn. "Don't worry about me," she said pointedly, to Finn.
Rey grabbed her bag from the ground and turned down the corridor towards the bunk room. Solitude engulfed her again, and this time she wondered what Ben Solo was feeling.
As soon as the door to the bunk room closed behind her, she began to peel off her clothes. She could smell him in the fabric, she could feel him everywhere. In a frustrated burst, she crumpled the clothes and threw them across the room. She dressed again quickly, burying her face in the clean fabric. She sat down on a bunk, drawing her knees up to her face. He filled her mind, even as she forcefully inhaled the clean scent of cloth rather than of him.
She was not supposed to feel these things. She was sworn to the Jedi Order, even if she was the last living Jedi. Romantic love was forbidden to her, as were the feelings of lust and hate that swirled in her like a storm. She knew she was wrong to feel them but she couldn't banish them, no matter how hard she tried.
Suddenly, she felt his presence; the Force bond between them had not broken. She looked up, raising her eyes just barely above her arm. He was there before her, and yet far away, sitting with his face in his hands. He noticed her a moment later, and he looked at her with hope and confusion.
Rage surged within her, against her bidding. "Get out!" she screamed, throwing the nearest object, a lamp, across the room where it shattered against the wall. As if heeding her, the vision faded, but not before she saw the pain of her rejection pierce through his eyes.
She laid on the cot, turning her back towards where he had been. She curled up tightly, drawing a blanket up over her face. Her eyes stung with tears she could not shed, but an uneasy sleep took her.
The command room of the Resistance bustled with activity. Even as the command officers were still and quiet, studying the flight plan Rey had brought back from her mission, the other officers were a flurry of activity in the background. The glow of the computer screens and projections cast every face in a red or green light, and it reminded Rey of the glow of her lightsaber.
Her mind had quieted following her rest on the Falcon, and she was much steadier when she had greeted General Organa. Even now, as they talked through strategy for their upcoming attack, she was able to focus most of her mind on the meeting at hand.
"We can head off the supply ships as they refuel here," General Organa said, pointing to a small star system on the map. "They will have to take off from the fuel station one at a time, allowing us to pick them off. If we succeed, the loss of their technical shipment will delay repair of the ammunitions facility long enough for us to regroup."
She shifted the view on the projection, showing a nearby airbase undoubtedly filled with First Order fighters. "This is where our air support becomes essential. We need a well-coordinated attack, with two squadrons dedicated to taking out the supply ships and one protecting our fleet from the onslaught of First Order fighters."
"Poe, you and your squadron will provide cover. It is essential that every one of your pilots be at their best. As soon as every supply ship is destroyed, you will provide cover while the other squadrons jump to Hyperspace. Then, it'll be up to you to get yourselves out of there," General Leia said sternly.
"Yes, ma'am," Poe said, with a small salute. These were the kinds of orders he found easiest to follow.
"As for the Star Destroyers – we can no longer let solo Resistance fighters board the ships unprotected." Leia glanced at Rey. "Even our prized Jedi."
Rey opened her mouth to protest, even as she began to wonder how much Leia knew about her last mission.
"It's simply too dangerous," Leia said, heading off her protests. "Kylo Ren grows stronger by the day and we cannot risk becoming too arrogant."
Rey nodded, feeling the eyes of everyone else on her. "You are simply too important to lose," Leia said, meeting Rey's eyes. She held eye contact for a long moment before looking around at everyone else. "Command dismissed. May the Force be with you."
Everyone started to disperse, and the buzz of conversation filled the silence. Rey rose to follow the others.
"Rey, wait. A word," said General Organa.
Rey stopped, and Leia walked over to sit at her side. Hesitantly, Rey sat back down, not quite brave enough to meet the general's eyes.
"I can't let you be in a position to be alone with Ben again," Leia said softly.
A dark red flush rose in Rey's cheeks. She wanted to run, to be as far away from this conversation as she could manage. Her instinct had been right – Leia did know something of what had happened on that ship.
Leia's hand took hers before she was able to act upon her urge to flee. Rey looked down at it, then up into Leia's soft, forgiving eyes.
"I may not be trained in the Force as you are, or as my brother was," she said, "but I have enough knowledge of it that I sometimes see clearly around those whom I love."
Rey's heart was beating in her throat. She tried to swallow, but something stuck in her neck, blocking her. She couldn't breathe.
"I do not know exactly what transpired on your mission, Rey, but I know you and Ben shared something close."
Rey took a shuddering breath. She didn't know!
"You needn't be ashamed, Rey. I love him, too. I do not implement any rules on you that I do not practice myself."
Rey's heart fluttered, and the warmth she often felt for Leia washed over her again. "There is still good in him," Rey said. "I feel it every day."
"I feel it too," Leia said, squeezing Rey's hand gently. "And I think you are the one who is going to bring him back to the light."
Leia's hand came up to rest on Rey's cheek. "Be careful around him," Leia warned. "I thought Han could bring him to the light, and…" She trailed off, her voice breaking slightly.
Rey took Leia's hand this time. "I will, I promise."
But as for being alone together, she thought, I think the Force has other ideas.
Kylo Ren sat alone in his chambers, both dreading and desiring beyond all else another connection with Rey. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see only her, smell only her, feel only her. He was haunted by their tryst in the closet; it was with him every waking moment and when he tried to sleep.
He had not been able to sleep since he had watched her walk away from him, since she had screamed at him to get out of her thoughts. What he had hoped was a step to bridging their disagreement seemed to have thrust her further away from him, and he didn't understand.
They had a connection; she must feel it too. They were pulled together as if by gravity, as a ship crashing to the ground. It had felt inevitable, uncontrollable. At every juncture he had been sure she would pull away, would fight or run, but instead they ignited like kindling to the flames of whatever passion ran between them. He refused believe their only connection was hatred – certainly, he did not hate her, and if she hated him, then why would she have allowed him to…?
Again, the specter of their physical connection rose around him. He felt her skin, tasted her lips, smelled her hair. She was warm, and soft, and alive with passion, with the Force, with arousal. He felt her fingers tightening in his hair, felt the weight of her as she forced him into the ground. He groaned as arousal threatened to take over him again.
He took a deep, steadying breath. He was careful not to allow these thoughts to run free, even in the privacy of his quarters. He had become horrified to imagine how she would react if the Force connected them and he was as such… indisposed by his arousing thoughts.
He buried his face in his hands. The plot of the First Order, the desire to rule the galaxy, for the first time was second in his thoughts. Rey, with her freckled skin and her piercing brown eyes, was first.