Fear of the Dark by AndromedaMarine
Author's Note: Epilogue.
John dug a hand into his pocket and rapped with the other on Mr. Woolsey's glass door. The expedition leader waved him in. "Is there something I can do for you, Colonel?"
The Air Force officer rubbed his chin roughly. "Suspend Rodney from Gate travel."
Richard blinked. "I beg your pardon?"
"He needs time to adjust to life without Doctor Keller. I want a Marine at least watching him while he's away from his quarters." John sat in the chair across from Richard.
"Colonel, if I'm not mistaken, posting a Marine is your responsibility...?" His statement trailed into a question; he wasn't sure why John had come to him to begin with.
Sheppard's body stiffened and he gave of an air of frustration. "You should be happy I'm keeping you in the loop, Mr. Woolsey. I'm keeping you informed of the situation. Rodney's not in connection with himself or reality right now; all he can do to keep from exploding is to work in the labs until he forgets. I can't have him off-world and in the pits of depression."
"Then consider Team Sheppard grounded until further notice," Richard returned. "You're my flagship gate team, John. If one of you is out, all of you are out. Let me know when Dr. McKay is back on his feet."
John stood and made for the door. At the last minute he stopped and turned, indecision on his features. "Thanks."
Richard gave a curt nod and averted his eyes back to the computer on which he had been working before John walked in.
----
Rodney paced circles on the East Pier, staring off into the dull haze of fog settling around Atlantis. He could barely make out the center spire; pinpricks of yellow light shone feebly through the mist. "Could'a saved her..." he repeated, accentuating the middle word with a sharp smack of his heel against the pier.
Night came slowly, the last dappled colors of twilight melting into the darkness of the distant ocean. The astrophysicist shivered as the cold set in around him. Everything was silent except the background slosh of wave against city, and Rodney sank to his knees, the hot tears plowing wet furrows on his cheeks.
"Thought I'd find you here," John commented, keeping the hurt out of his voice. "Should know we're suspended from Gate travel until you're back on your feet."
"Just replace me."
Surprised, the colonel sat next to his friend and popped open one of the beers he'd brought. He held it in front of Rodney. "Why should I do that? You're still the smartest man in two galaxies, right? I need a guy like you on my team."
He looked at the beer and back out into the night of Lantea. "Zelenka needs more off-world hours."
John sipped from the beer he'd offered to Rodney. "Zelenka hates going off-world. You, however, adore it."
Rodney shifted so his back faced John. "Go away."
His voice low and determined: "Don't you go off and get ideas that Atlantis doesn't need or want you, McKay. It'll be a sad day when I let you wander to the East Pier and contemplate throwing yourself off."
Rodney swiveled and looked sharply at John. "What gave you that idea?"
"Hmm, oh, I don't know, your complete lack of interest in your friends, health, and work? I have never seen you this depressed."
"That's because I've never had something to make me this depressed," he answered gloomily.
"You are NOT alone." John watched his breath come out in a small silver cloud, dissipating into the haze of night. "Remember that." They are silent for several minutes, each concentrating on the sounds of the waves. John breaks the silence. "I thought you were afraid of the dark."
Rodney shifts to alleviate the numbness in his legs. "The metaphorical dark when pertaining to huge open places like piers on Atlantis. It's the claustrophobia plus darkness that makes me scared for my life." He'd expected John to laugh, and hid his surprise when the colonel didn't.
"So, right now, what's your worst fear? And it can't be the dark, enclosed spaces."
The scientist looked up at the stars of Pegasus. "Right now? I'm afraid I'll do something that'll detract from the quality of life on Atlantis."
John's internal translator picked up the underlying meaning. "You mean you're afraid you'll kill yourself?"
"Or harm someone if someone tries to stop me."
John's mouth turned downward into a frown of disappointment. "I thought you were stronger than that."
Rodney shrugged. "I was."
"Was?"
"Meaning before last week."
John nodded and took another long drag from the beer bottle. "Beer'll do you good," he said, lifting the six pack hopefully.
"Alcohol is the last thing I need, John. The night air is keeping my head clear enough."
The colonel's voice dropped in intensity. "Is clarity really what's best right now? A fuzzy haze might help soften the..." He wasn't ready for Rodney's two handed push to the chest. "Rodney! What the hell!"
"I'm not you. Booze won't help me deal with the fact that my fiancé is dead."
The words sliced right into John's heart. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, sincere.
Rodney sat down, his back again to John. "It's gonna take a long time, huh?"
"Yeah. It's going to take months, years. It gets easier, but not all at once; you have to trust me on that."
"Give me a few months. Then come knocking with the beer. Maybe then I'll be ready."
The two exchanged nods, the mutual understanding that they shared the loss, and that right now, Rodney may not be in touch with himself, but he would be. In time.