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Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, dammit. *Sobs*. It belongs to BBC.
Pairings: ArthurxMerlin, ArthurxGwen.
Notes: Unbeta'd. Future!Fic. Arthur is king and Gwen is queen. I needed to write something angsty, so here we are. Angst :)
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"I think Arthur may... I think he is being unfaithful." He can't bear to look at her, at those soft, sad eyes and down turned mouth trying not to quiver with threatening tears. How could he be so cruel?
Her pretty face is a picture of hurt, her aching heart hidden in those dark orbs. She sounds so broken, her chest heaving erratically as though fighting to keep her breathing steady and level.
Merlin doesn't know what to say, so he stays silent, hoping she isn't yet expecting an answer. He can't trust himself to speak, fearing the confessions screaming in his ears bubbles out from his lips. He is scared, frightened of losing two of the most important people in his life.
"I love him, Merlin. I love him so much that it aches in my chest every time I look at him." Her eyes are fixed on the window, gazing out into the skyline at something Merlin could never grasp. "I–I couldn't bear it if he were... Am I not enough, Merlin? I was only a serving girl after all. Maybe I was just a passing fancy, a p–ploy to warm t–the people to him..."
"No, no Gwen, never." He strides forward, chewing back his thickening remorse and disgust at himself as he, the secret lover, comforts her, the wife. "You are enough; you will always be Arthur's number one. He would choose you over anyone else." He envelopes her in a warm embrace and tucks her head under his chin. "He loves you. He loves you more than – "Merlin swallows, his words breaking his own heart even as they reassure hers. The truth is an ugly thing. – "he loves you more than anything in the world. Arthur will always choose you over anyone else. Everyone else."
He closes his own eyes to stopper the wash of tears that threaten to spill down his cheeks. His words leave bitter mucus covering his tongue. His lies taste sourer still.
"He wouldn't stray from you. Why would he? You're perfect. You're honest and sweet and kind, you listen and you understand, you never take more than he can give. You can bear him children; give him a full and complete family that isn't twisted or angry in any way like his own. You're fair and just. What more could the nation ask for in a queen and what more could a man want in his wife?"
"I feel as though he isn't sharing his whole heart with me," she whispers into his comfort. "I feel as though there is something he is closing away, hiding from me. His hear is not wholly mine."
"That may be, but everyone has to keep a little bit of their heart to themselves don't they, else they would lose themselves. So yes, you may not have all his heart, but you have a whole lot of it. You, and only you are in possession of that. Only you and he have his heart. No one else could ever interfere." He tightens his hold on her. "Only you."
/\/\
"Merlin." He has been lingering in the shadows of the doorway for longer than is healthy. Those iridescent eyes glinting in the slices of light that spear through the wooden shafts that create the roof of the stables. "What brings you here?"
Arthur isn't facing him. He is currently seeing to his horse, brushing soft chestnut fur with the reverence only an experienced rider can truly have. Those chocolate eyes stare at Merlin, knowing and unforgiving. Accusing.
His heart hurts. That can't be good, can it?
"Merlin?" His signature way of drawling Merlins' name and even that doesn't draw the dark haired sorcerer from his troubled thoughts. The King eyes his horse, stroking apologetically down her long nose before marching over to his lover and grabbing his arm a little rougher than he intended.
"Care to answer me?"
Those lips part before pinning closed again. Those eyes refuse to meet Arthur's questioning gaze. The boy is jittery, uncertain and seemingly in pain. He smells faintly of Gwens' perfume and there is a dark, drying wetness by his collarbone.
"I can't do this anymore." His voice is shattered, hopeless and so low Arthur isn't even sure he heard correctly.
"Pardon?"
Merlin's eyes flash in a long-quelled fury. "I can't do this anymore, Arthur!" He explodes, causing the horses to shift and neigh their displeasure. "I can't continue with this... this... this dirty little tryst with you!"
"Why? What's between us will never fade Merlin. It's meant to be, it can't, wont, stop."
"But it's not just about us. It never was. There is a third person in this who you apparently so conveniently forget! What about Gwen Arthur, my friend, your wife? We can't keep doing this to her. I can't keep hurting her!" His fury deflates and he shrinks back, a hollow shell of the Merlin that had been under Uthers' rule. He runs a hand down his face in despair. "I can't, Arthur. I've kept so many secrets in my life, but never has one been so soul-destroying. How can you bed her after you've left me? How can I look at her after you sneak out at night?"
There is pause. "It's killing me."
Arthur watches his manservant, studies him with eyes that bellow out fear and loss and pain. He knows what Merlin says is true. He knows what he is saying is right, and yet what is this adamant need to refute all that he is saying? "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you have to choose. You can't have both anymore." Merlin risks a glance up into that face only to dart those eyes away again. "I am more than the Kings' whore and she the Kings' fool."
"I have never thought you a whore or her a fool."
"And yet that is how you treat us."
"I –You can't leave me, Merlin." Those eyes are hard and swirling, yet lost and pleading at the same time. "You can't. I love you. I love you so much." He moves forward, clutching at Merlins' hands. The dark haired warlock allows the contact for a moment before stepping back, his back colliding with the rough wooden wall.
"You love her as well, Arthur. Your heart cannot belong to two. We cannot have this broken, divided you. It isn't fair on any of us." His voice is soft and defeated, as if he already knows the outcome of this discussion. Arthur has the sickening feeling that he too knows the final conclusion. "It's hurting us all, Arthur. You need to choose which of us you want, and which you can leave behind."
"But I –"
"Now is not the time to be selfish," Merlin whispers gently. "Best to ease the pain now, rather than allow it to build up and erupt later on when the damage cannot be repaired."
"What brought this on?"
"Gwen is suspicious that you are not faithful... she came to me for assurances that you were true."
Arthur nods. "And you told her...?"
"I told her what she wanted to hear," Merlin spits out venomously. "I couldn't be the one to pain her like that." He runs a hand through his hair roughly. "You need to choose. And now."
"You know who I'll choose, Merlin," Arthur warns. "I have to think of the kingdom as well as myself. I have to think of the people and of my lineage."
And a heartbreakingly small smile graces Merlin's lips. "I wouldn't expect any less."
"Then you know," Arthur continues, his voice cracking just a little under the finality of his words. "You know I cannot choose you."
That smile doesn't fade, but Merlin's eyes grow watery, shimmering with a lonely acceptance of the inevitable. "I know."
Arthur's mouth is dry. His heart has stopped beating. His lungs frozen. His throat blocked. Good bye. This is goodbye. This is the end. The end. Finished. Final.
Gone.
"One last night," he requests hoarsely. "Give me just one more night, Merlin, and I promise we'll say... say goodbye to all of this."
Merlin, whose eyes had closed, opens them once more and gazes into the face of the only soul he has ever truly loved, and nods slowly.
"One night."
/\/\
The sheets are the same, so is the summer night – a warm breeze curls around those bodies. One is a milky white. The other is a sun-kissed golden. They compliment and contrast, illuminating faults and praises. Those hands, one long fingered and pale, the other honeyed and strong explore bodies. This isn't a heated lust nor a hungry fervour. This is sweet and sensual, a last taste of the forbidden fruit they have gorged on until fat and repentant.
This is a final goodbye to all that has been known. This is the tearing of a union poisoned by guilt and intermingled with other, witless, unsuspecting souls.
Lips travel, praising each inch of skin. Slow and steady, they caress as the shadows of their bodies move across the wall. Tongues dip and trace muscle and sinew. Words, begging for forgiveness. Being for love. Begging for anything and everything for just one last night.
There is the wish to remember.
Remember me. Remember this. Remember what we had.
And the need to forget.
Forget me. Forget this. Forget what we had.
The need to feel.
Feel me. Feel you. Feel us.
And the want to never touch again.
Leave me. Leave you. Leave us.
What they once were, they can never be again. They kiss their goodbyes, stroke their apologies, whisper their love. Just once. Once more.
One more night is all I ask. Let me taste my destiny. Let me love it. Allow me to miss it.
They from each others' heart as they pull together as one. Pain, there is always pain, ripping up a curved spine and yet only withers an illuminated soul. Pain makes you sure things are real. He doesn't want this to be real. Dream. He wants it to be a dream.
Dream the night away, the truth can wait another day.
But his hopes are fruitless, for this is real. This is the end. This is the end to it all. There are tears, quiet, crystallised things that cut down sharp cheekbones. There are words, murmured comforts that mean nothing. Nothing because never again shall the silver feel those hands on him, or those lips or those words pressed again flushed skin. Never shall he be complete again.
Tonight dies their relationship. Tonight dies a fraction of their hearts.
They reach that blinding paradise in unison, whimpering each other's names and memorising the taste of such a calling. They reach paradise and linger there only for moments before darkness seeps in like an infection on a wound.
And the Moon is left alone, abandoned for the Sun with only the sound of his own shattering heart to lull him to sleep.
/\/\
"Merlin, can I speak with you." A loud silence. "It will only take a moment."
A sigh, listless and crushed. "Best not," comes the serious reply. "I have chores to attend to. Please accept my apologises, sire."
Sad, blue eyes follow the shadow as he leaves, his heart thundering painfully at the address.
Shoulders sag. He chose this. This is how it must be. For the good of the Kingdom.
For the good of himself.
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