frengers

$1000 Ridiculously Awesome Rooms with Ridiculously Awesome Roommates!!!!!!!!!! (Lower East Side)
Reply to: jacobs.d at gmail. com
Date: 2007-4-16 4:20PM EST

2 rooms available in HUGE 5BR 2 bathroom loft in the LES! Great location! Very close to the A express and other trains. Getting to midtown couldn't be easier.

And we have a balcony!!!!

It's an 8 floor walkup (but it has a balcony so it's worth it) which kind of sucks, but you'll be in great shape. (And seriously, there's a balcony)

We'd like you to be neat. Neat freaks are definitely encouraged.

(Actually that's not true. We already HAVE a neat freak and definitely don't need another one. As long as you're not TOO gross we don't care if you're a little messy.)

(But really, we don't care at ALL if you're a slob.)

Last roommates were jerks (and slobs). Don't be a jerk. (OR A SLOB!!!)

REALLY, be a slob if you want. Not ALL of us mind mess!!!

ANYWAY, so, it's an 8 floor walkup right near the East Village. The rooms we have available are adjacent (in case you don't know what that means like I didn't until Davey told me, it means they're next to each other) and have the exact same dimensions. No measurements, but they're large enough for at least a full bed, a dresser and a desk. At least that's what the previous (asshole) roommates had in there. There's closet space, but not too much. And windows in both rooms. Living room is big and fully furnished (Big screen TV! And we have a wii! And tivo!) Kitchen is also fully equipped: stove, microwave, fridge, oven, tempermental dishwasher and probably any appliance that you'd need. Between the three of us, we have like, everything imaginable. Washer/dryer in basement.

AND we have a balcony!

Yeah, it's pretty large. We have some nice patio furniture out there and a grill. In the summer we do cookouts out there a lot. It's a really effin' awesome balcony. You really have no idea.

The (Awesome) Roommates:

David-
-21 years old
-Journalism major at NYU
-Quiet and Studious
-Uptight
-OCD
-Neat Freak
-Doesn't know how to have fun without us
-Has a 10PM bedtime
-Um, that's because he has CLASS at 8AM every morning unlike SOME other people. And it's not 10PM anyway. It's more like midnight or something
-Still lame
-Sleeps with a stuffed animal
-Has a hot sister
-I DO NOT

Nick-
-20 years old
-Dance major at NYU Tisch
-Way more fun than David
-Built like a Greek statue
-Yeah, he wishes
-Bursts into song randomly on a regular basis. Usually at the worst times. Like 3AM when you have a final the next morning and really need to sleep. And he sings REALLY BAD SONGS. Like Journey. At 3AM.
-Has absolutely no manners and burps A LOT
-Thinks he's the hottest thing ever even though he isn't
-Except that he definitely is
-Never wears a shirt
-And everybody loves that
-Yeah, HE WISHES

Louis-
-20 years old (turns 21 on May 12. There will be a shit show of a party in the apartment, you're invited. Tell your friends)
-Won prom king both at junior AND senior prom
-Hasn't accepted the fact that high school's been over for YEARS now
-Professional type
-Deadbeat loser who doesn't go to college
-Except that he has a really good job that he doesn't NEED college for and is definitely NOT a deadbeat
-Yeah, if you call being a glorified secretary a good job, I totally agree
-Looks like a pirate
-Okay, that crossed a line, fuckbucket
-Get over it

You-
-Are not a jerk
-Are neat
-Are not an asshole
-Are not as anal retentively neat as David
-Around our age.
-But if you're really hot, we can overlook that last one
-Um… no jailbait, please
-Are male
-Or female
-Like to have a good time
-Bring over hot people
-420 friendly
-Pay rent on time
-Like balconies

Unlike every other Craigslist ad, we WANT you to bring the party home. Preferably enough party to share, especially if one of us is having a bad night. Which if we're home while a party is going on, we probably are.

We're not looking for a new best friend, but we would really like to get along with you (so don't be a jerk like our last asshole roommates) and eventually, yeah, we'd like you to be our best friends.

The room is unfurnished, but Davey's sister works at a furniture store and can get you a deal. Oh, and she's pretty hot. Um gross, no she is NOT. But really though, she is.

$1000 a month plus utilities, toilet paper fund money, and porn subscription contribution. Jerks need not apply. If you're interested (which you should be. Remember: BALCONY), email Dave at jacobs.d at gmail . com and tell us a little about yourself and we will send pictures and arrange a time for you to look at the place.

Thanks!

There was a long silence on the other end of the line.

"Well?" David asked expectantly. "What do you think?"

"David…" his mother trailed off.

"Yes…?"

"David, David, David…" she sighed.

"What, Mom?"

"It's very good, David. You describe the apartment well."

David closed his eyes and let out his breath slowly. He hated that tone; it meant there was a 'but' coming.

"But…" there it was. "If I could make a few suggestions…"

No, Mom. You cannot.

"You said it was good, Mom. Can we just stick with that?"

"Don't you want my honest opinion, David?"

No.

"Well yeah, Mom, but…"

"No, David, that's alright. I just thought you might like to hear what your mother has to say, but it's really okay, David. You know best."

"Okay, thanks Mom. We're going to post it on Craigslist tonight."

"You always know best." She continued, "What do you need your old mother for anyway, right? All grown up now… maybe you'd like it if I didn't call you every day, wouldn't you?"

Actually…

"Mom, please stop it with the guilt."

"What guilt?" She huffed, "What kind of mother do you take me for, David?"

"Never mind, Mom." He could feel a headache coming on, "Tell me what's wrong with my ad."

"Well, David, like I said, it's really very, very good..."

"I have class in half an hour, Mom." He sighed.

"That was very rude, David. I did not raise you to be sarcastic with me."

"Mom"

"I just… don't understand what sort you are trying to attract with that advertisement…"

"What sort?"

"I mean, it is rather crude… and do you really have to refer to those nice Delancey boys as… as 'a-holes' so many times? They really are dolls."

"Um, no they're not."

"And you're sister is 'hot', David? That's a little disturbing for you to say."

"Ma, I didn't write that part!"

"Oh? Then who did?"

"Nick, but-"

"Well you can tell Nicholas that as long as he's a gentile, he doesn't have a chance."

"But he only says it because he knows it bothers me."

"Well, that's not very nice! You know David, I really think those boys you live with are a bad influence on you."

David rolled his eyes, "They really aren't, Mom."

"I really think they are, David! I mean, they don't go to school-"

"Nick does. He spends more time at school than I do."

"Oh, Nick doesn't have a real major, honey," she said dismissively. "And what do you mean he spends more time there than you do? I don't want to hear that you're slacking, David! All A's this semester, right?"

"Yeah, sure Mom. And, actually, Louis has a really great job. He's planning on going back to school, but right now that's not what's right for him."

"David, you don't need to defend your friends to me. They are what they are."

"Mom, stop it!"

"What David?"

He had to hand it to her; she actually sounded genuinely confused.

"Never mind. Mom, I have to get ready for class. I'm going to post the ad as is, okay?"

"Okay, David. Like I said, you describe the apartment very well. I just have one question."

"Yeah?"

"What does… '420 friendly' mean?"

Jack liked balconies.

Apartment 202 had a balcony. Jack, a resident of apartment 102—which, by the way, did not have a balcony, couldn't help but notice it every time he left the complex. As far as he knew, apartment 202 didn't pay any more in rent than he and Seb did.

Somehow, that didn't seem fair.

Of course, technically speaking, apartment 102 wasn't exactly his anymore. Not in the long term, anyway. In theory, he still lived here for the next ten days… it was after that that he would be 'forcibly removed'.

At least that was what the eviction notice said.

Two months had passed since Jack had been fired. Two months without any sort of income and two months worth of days where he should have been looking for employment spent on the couch watching MTV dating shows and the first disc of Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease that Seb's ex roommate had left on top of the DVD player when she moved out. As a result, he'd watched entire seasons worth of NEXT and Parental Control and could now do all of Carmen's dances without even looking at the TV. Unfortunately, he didn't think he could make as much money off of that as she could.

It had also been one and a half months since his first missed rent check had been due, half a month since the second. Three weeks since he'd lied to Seb and told him that he'd found a job, and exactly one week since he found out that his landlord was married to Big Bubba's third cousin and considered him very close family.

So, in ten days he would be homeless.

He heard the unmistakable sound of Seb's keys in the lock and groaned. And in approximately ten minutes, he'd be dead. Or maybe not; it all depended on how he handled the situation.

"Hey Jack, what's up?"

"We were evicted today," Jack blurted out. Well, at least being dead would be better than being homeless.

The myriad of looks that passed over Seb's face would have been comical if the situation had been different. First, he stared at Jack blankly, which was quickly replaced by confusion followed by understanding and then surprise.

Jack figured it would be best to step in before he got to anger.

"Yeah, um, remember how I told you I got that job at Starbucks?" he laughed nervously, "Well, as it turns out, I, uh, didn't. And, uh, that also means I didn't pay the rent."

"Which you also told me you did," Seb said tightly.

"Yeah. Yeah I did. And, yeah, apparently that's not a good idea when everyone in the whole damn town is related to your old boss who fired you on not so good terms. So yeah…" he trailed off, looking expectantly at Seb, whose face was unreadable.

"Oh," Seb said slowly. "How long we got?"

"Ten days. Well, I guess nine now because the notice came this morning so that's one day down."

"Ten days, huh? Ten days before we're homeless?"

"Nine, but yeah."

"That sucks," Seb said so calmly it was making Jack nervous. "Can I see the letter?"

Jack nodded and picked it up from the mess of food wrappers covering the coffee table, handing it to him. He shifted nervously from one foot to the other, wringing his sweaty palms while Seb wordlessly read the notice. Finally, he sat down and put the paper back onto the coffee table.

"That sucks," he repeated. "Wanna order pizza for dinner?"

Jack stared at him, "Pizza?"

"Yeah, I was thinking Aljons. But if you want to get Chinese or something, I think I could be persuaded."

"Wait… pizza? Chinese? What?"

"For dinner, Jack." Seb said slowly. "I'm starving, I haven't eaten all day." He looked at the mess on the coffee table, "looks like you have, though. Good thing you've been doing that Carmen Electra workout or else you'd lose the one thing you still have going for you, huh Jacky-boy?"

"Are you seriously not going to say anything else about… you know."

"The eviction? Nah. We have ten days, right?"

"Nine."

"Right. Nine. Well since dinner is going to happen tonight, I think it's a more pressing matter, don't you?"

"Uh…"

"So pizza or Chinese?"

"Pizza, but really Seb, can we talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about? So, we were evicted. You fucked up again because that's what you do, but I got faith in you, Jacky-boy, even if no one else does anymore. I trust that while you were home today, you made yourself useful and found us another place to live, right?" He smiled brightly at Jack.

Yeah. Seb was absolutely furious. If Jack said the wrong thing, he would snap. And seeing Seb snap—especially in his direction—was not something Jack wanted to happen.

"Oh yeah, absolutely. You know me," he winced, "I clean up all of my own messes."

"Excellent," Seb said in that overly cheerful voice. "I'll order dinner and then you can tell me all about it."

Cursing under his breath, Jack logged onto his computer and pulled up the last craigslist ad he'd been looking at. And actually, reading it over, it seemed pretty cool. The rent was twice as much as he and Seb were paying here, but he knew that despite his claims otherwise, Seb had some money saved and could cover his him until he got a new job. And in Manhattan, it would be so much easier to find work, especially since nobody would be related to Big Bubba. And best of all…

"Hey Seb," he called out when he heard his roommate finish placing their order, "do you like balconies?"

"Yeah, who doesn't? And you know what's always pissed me off? Those fuckers upstairs have a balcony and we don't. And I checked, you know? We pay the same amount that they do."

Jack grinned at the computer, plan formulating. "And what do you think of moving to New York?"

"New York? Shit, Jack. That would be awesome, but rent is expensive and what about school and work? I can't just pick up and leave, you know."

"Don't worry about that, Seb," Jack said easily, beginning to compose an email to jacobs.d. "We'll make it work. We always do."

Alex's Note: Holla to all the Jersey girls reading this! May you never touch a gas pump or have to remove yourself from your vehicle during cold or inclement weather to pump your own gas.

The craigslist ad is my dream apartment, boys included.

Unfortunately, the formatting I originally had didn't seem to translate well. especially David's email address. So... pretend, I suppose. I'm a little miffed about that, not gonna lie. It ruins the validity of my fake craigslist ad.

Ester Jacobs is based off of my own mother.