I don't know how good this chapter is... but then I didn't think the last chapter was that good and I posted it anyway, so...

Part of this one is inspired by "Non-Human Resources" with Jenna Fischer on dotcomedy dot com. Check it out if you haven't already, it made me more happy than I'm comfortable telling you.

Episode Two: The Gathering of Five

Andy had set up a several Risk boards on the table and was in the process of explaining some intricate mechination that involved a Monopoly thimble and a salt shaker with a picture of Jim's head taped to it. "Now," he explained as though he were narrating the Zapruder Film, "the Tuna is part Fu Manchu and part..." there was a pause of a length that went beyond embarrassing and straight to humiliating as he burrowed through his subconscious in search of a second person"... Batman," he finally settled. "And when you go up against Batmanchu, you better know what you're doing."

Dwight snorted. "He's an idiot."

"Uh, he's an idiot, huh?" Andy repeated, adopting the usual stance of undeserved superiority he took around Dwight.

"Uh, yeah." Dwight responded, mirroring Andy's stance.

"Then how is it that he always pranks you?" Dwight's face went red as Andy continued his brilliant verbal assault. "Is it because you're a bigger idiot? Is that it?"

Dwight had to think for a shamefully long time before replying. "I don't want you to think you've won this one," he hissed, "it's just that I need you right now."

Andy snickered derisively, but pressed on. "As I was saying, the Tuna is a genius, nearly unstoppable..." he looked up for a second "I mean, he'd have to be to beat me, right?" Dwight looked like he was about to say something, but but stopped himself, "but he's got one weakness."

If he still felt like arguing, Darryl might have pointed out that Jim had many weaknesses, not the least of which would have been to just punch him in the gut a few times. Right now, though, he was just sticking around the make sure none of these idiots messed up his warehouse.

"That weakness..." Andy ponged his eyes across the room smugly, analyzing each of the other men in the room for their respective weaknesses and coming up more than pleased with what he found. "...Is that the Tuna is an unrepentant lady's man."

Andy paused to let everyone absorb this vital fact, then whipped a picture out of his jacket and slammed in down on the table. "This is Karen Filippelli." The other men looked at the picture. It was unquestionably Karen Filippelli. She didn't look at all happy to have Andy snapping her picture. Certainly not from that angle.

When he was certain the room had studied the picture as thoroughly as he had, Andy turned to Roy. "Roy, the picture of Pam."

"Oh, right." Roy had had a surprising amount of difficulty finding a picture of Pam for the meeting. He'd had the same problem after she broke the engagement and he was trying to be nostalgic, actually. He'd promised himself that if they ever got back together, he'd take more pictures, but then he just didn't get around to it. Too late now, anyway.

He'd finally settled for a picture he'd taken Halloween 2004 of Pam dressed as a witch. If the other men had any problem with this, they weren't saying anything.

"These are the Tuna's two most recent conquests..." Andy broadcasted, then added shorter and more sinisterly "...that we know of. Now, the first thing we need to do is figure out how to use these two women against him."

"Maybe they'll realize they're both in love with the same man and that will cause problems for them," Darryl sniped.

Andy dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "No, I've got a much better idea. Somebody..." he paused dramatically. It was that kind of evening. "...Is going to have to pork Karen. I nominate myself. Now..."

"Wait," Dwight objected, "why would someone have to screw Karen?"

Andy looked at Dwight like he was idiot. "Duh, for revenge."

Again, Dwight felt his footing slip, but he wasn't about to lose face in front of Andy. To lose face meant ritual suicide for a samurai, that's why Dwight never let it happen. "I meant, why Karen? Why not Pam?"

"Hey, that is not cool," Andy replied sternly, "you're talking about the love of this man's life." He smiled softly at Roy "Sorry, Big Kielbasa."

Roy nodded. It seemed like the right choice at the moment. This whole thing was a lot like his thirteenth birthday party, only he wasn't as drunk, so he did what he did then and simply put his trust in the people around him. As long as Halpert ended up dead, it was all the same to him.

Andy noted this groundswell of support from the man in charge of the operation and turned a twisted smile towards Schrute.

Dwight shrank down into himself. Just wait, he told himself, your time will come.

"Now that we've got the misogynism out of the way for the evening," Andy shouted with biting superiority, "we can get back to planning on how I can pork Karen."

"Somehow I don't see that happening," Darryl mumbled, just loud enough to be ignored.

"This will be phase one in our plan to destroy every last part of the Tuna," Andy spoke. "When this is all over, we'll..." he stopped, having noticed something missing from his War Table. "Okay, who has stolen my pictures?"

Kenny did not move, said nothing, and contented himself to sit in his darkened corner. He wasn't about to let this evening be a total loss.

"Seriously... this isn't funny."

Next Week: Marry! Boff! Kill!