Sirius had to return to Hogwarts today there was no avoiding it. And so, he had gone to Alphard's flat, his flat now, with the intention of simply making sure that it was safely closed up for the term. His portkey was set to leave at three that afternoon , Sirius had the candy wrapper in his pocket and it weighed heavily on him. At Grimmauld Place, he was able to confine himself to his room, with only his father coming occasionally to let off some of his anger. Hogwarts would be different, he would have to deal with James, and Peter, and Remus.
Sirius knew how it would go, he knew his friends far too well. James would ask him a million questions and do any amount of ridiculous things to try and make some of the spark come back into his best mate. Peter would bumble around and be overly helpful in a decidedly unhelpful way. But it was Remus who concerned him most, Remus who would do none of the asking or the joking or the helping. Remus who would just sit, and watch Sirius and wait. Because Remus knew Sirius, better than anyone, better than James or Peter and maybe even better than Alphard had. Remus would say nothing until the damn silence drove Sirius insane.
Sirius, stood in the middle of the open living area, which was bright and airy and full of his dead uncle's things. And he stared, little ghosts of memories dancing over everything. Sirius felt a supreme and defining sort of anger well up inside of him, and he wanted nothing more than to destroy the entire place, burn it down. But he couldn't, this was all he had left of Alphard.
He moved to the shelf full of records that he and Alphard had populated between them. Having spent countless hours in muggle record stores, they had touched on nearly every branch of music and they had lived in music when Sirius was here for the summers and even in their letters. It was often a game of theirs, when things got particularly hard for Sirius or even for Alphard that one would ask: "What's your song today?" and the other would stand in front of the shelf and find the song and play it and they would listen together, and they would understand that the song was saying all the words that their lives, and their pain, and their pride could never let them speak.
Sirius ran his hand over the records gently, reverently, and then glanced at the record player to see what his uncle had been listening to. And his heart skipped a beat at the little folded piece of paper that lay over the record, the words in the familiarly curling and aristocratic writing read: This is your song today. Listen, and believe.
Sirius picked up the paper and looked at the record, which had already been set about halfway through, The Beatles. Of course he would pick The Beatles, Alphard had always said that Sirius didn't appreciate them enough. Sirius smiled in spite of himself and started the player. He sat on Alphard's sofa and lit a cigarette as the song played out to him.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
Sirius had not cried at any point in his life that he could remember, he had not shed at tear when his father struck him, when his mother said the most awful things she could to him. He had not cried when Regulus had for the first time in their lives as brothers told Sirius that he deserved as much as he got.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.
He had not cried during the four days that he spent alone in Alphard's hospital room, he had not cried at the funeral. But here, alone in this flat, with The Beatles singing such haunting words, words from the person Sirius had loved more than he had ever loved, the last words, the final say, like Alphard always said he would have.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
In the midst of all of these things that meant everything because they were all that was left, but in reality were nothing at all, nothing but things, things that held no real trace of his uncle, in the middle of all of this listening to the goddamn Beatles, Sirius cried and cried. He cried as the record played on past Alphard's song, cried as it fell off the track once it had ended. He couldn't make it stop. When his pocket vibrated and he reached in to retrieve the portkey, and when he found himself on his knees in Dumbledore's office he was still crying, and he had no sense of anything but a fearful loneliness that he did not believe would ever go away.
Sirius' breaths were coming in short pants and the tears streamed down his face one after another and he could not rise to his feet, and he could not apologize to his Headmaster for the scene he was causing. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder but was surprised at the voice that followed.
"Shall I fetch Mr. Potter for you?" the voice was familiar but the tone was out of place and Sirius turned to see Professor McGonagall looking at him with something like heartbreak written on her features. Sirius shook his head, once, twice.
"Please don't." Sirius said roughly when he finally calmed enough to speak. The usually strict Professor's brow creased and her hand remained on his shoulder.
"All right, but we'll need to get you to the infirmary." She said, a bit of her firmness creeping in. And Sirius simply nodded.
It was for the best, Sirius knew what he looked like at the moment. His lip was swollen, dark bruises decorated his left check and up and down his arms. There was a small cut just under his right eye and his ribs were aching again.
"We'll wait until the class period starts so that we can make the trek in private." Sirius nodded his appreciation. "There is a bathroom through there, if you'd like to put yourself in order."
Sirius stood as she did and moved off in the direction of the bathroom. He opened the door he had never noticed before and entered. The room was not particularly ornate, it was a simple bathroom much like those in the dormitories. Sirius approached the sink but didn't look into the mirror, unfortunately that did not mean the mirror was not looking at him.
"You're in a right state, Dear boy." The mirror spoke out brashly, "Whatever happened?"
Sirius ignored it and turned on the faucet and splashed several handfuls of ice-cold water on his face. He took a towel from the rack and dried his face and finally looked at his reflection. He let out a sigh, aside from the obvious injuries his eyes were ringed with red and bloodshot.
By the time he returned to the office class had begun and Sirius and McGonagall made their way through the empty hallways.
"Who's teaching your class Professor?" Sirius asked to interrupt the suffocating silence.
"The Headmaster is in the lesson," McGonagall said. "It is his favorite subject."
Sirius nodded absently as they made their way up the final staircase. They continued in silence to the door of the infirmary, but before Sirius could push the door open, McGonagall spoke.
"Sirius, should you ever find the need." She said her voice as firm and professional as it ever had been, but her eyes giving way to a unfamiliar softness. "Know this, neither I nor the Headmaster are afraid of the Black name."
Sirius nodded and without any verbal response pushed his way into the infirmary, leaving Professor McGonagall and her words behind him.
*
Sirius was back in the dorm unpacking what few things he had taken with him and trying to prepare himself for the arrival of his friends. He checked the mirror and noted that, as always, Madam Pomfrey had erased all of his father's hard work. He ran a hand through his hair, which was short and lay neatly even after he attempted to muss it up.
He took in the whole of his appearance and hated it. On the surface he was a Black, perfectly groomed and looking perfectly respectable in the slacks and robes his father had demanded he wear. He picked up his wand and twirled it in his hand before pointing it at his hair.
"Prolato" He whispered and watched as his hair grew longer and longer until it fell in heavy dark waves at his shoulders. "Finite."
He took in his new look and for a moment was startled by his reflection because with such the minor change, he looked so much like Alphard that it was almost like seeing a ghost. He moved to his trunk and pulled out a small box that he had taken from Alphard's flat. Inside it held a mismatched collection of jewelry. Alphard had told him, that when he was about Sirius' age he had bought it all and worn it one day just to anger his father. He recalled the way Alphard's eyes had darkened when he said that he had never worn them again.
He pulled on two rings, which were simple bands of cheap material meant to look like silver and a thick leather cuff bracelet. Finally, he came to a pair of earrings and ran his fingers over them before deciding it was a bit dangerous to attempt to handle that himself. He pulled his favorite pair of jeans from the trunk and put them on followed by his favorite band t-shirt. He approached the mirror again, and took in his appearance. He felt a small bit of pride well in his heart when he realized that now, he looked more like Alphard's son than he did Orion's.
He moved away from the mirror and had just sat down on his bed when the door burst open to reveal a panting and somewhat wild-looking James. Sirius stood to greet him but before the words reached his lips he was pulled into a painfully tight embrace.
"Sirius, I'm so glad you're back. How are you?" James rushed out as he pulled back but he nearly tripped as he took in Sirius' appearance. "When did you do that to your hair? It looks excellent mate!"
"Yeah, Sirius like one of those muggle rockstars." Came Peter's voice as he too made his way into the room.
Sirius ran a hand through his hair and looked down, "Thanks."
When he brought his head up he met the quiet gaze of Remus. They looked at each other for a moment before Remus spoke.
"Welcome back, Pads." He said his voice holding no pity, and for that Sirius was grateful.
"So! What do you say we pull something over Snivily in honor of your return?" James through out loudly as they all settled in various positions around the room.
"What'd you have in mind?" Sirius asked as a way to get James to keep talking so that he wouldn't have to, but James instead went silent and his gaze become slightly hazy. He was thinking, even better.
Peter shuffled over to Sirius and handed him a pile of parchment. "I copied notes for you, so you won't get too far behind."
Sirius glanced down at the barely legible writing and smiled slightly. "Thanks, Wormy."
Peter smiled back and made his way to the bathroom. Sirius glanced over to Remus who was unpacking the day's homework from his book bag, when he caught Sirius' eye he lifted his own notes up and inclined his head, a small smile playing at his lips. Sirius nodded in return and then fell back onto his bed and stared up at the canopy.
"I've got it!" Came James' shout a few minutes later and Sirius closed his eyes for a moment before sitting up once more and turning his attention to his friend.
*
They were making their way down the hall for breakfast the next morning, James had his arm slung about Sirius' shoulders as he rambled on about the prank he had laid out in honor of Sirius' return, Peter's shuffling steps following close at James' other side a wide smile plastered on his face. Remus walked on Sirius' other side occasionally casting Sirius' a weary and disapproving look. Remus had had that look on his face since they left the dormitory and Sirius knew exactly why. Remus, was a prefect, and Sirius was not wearing his uniform. Instead, of the Hogwarts approved black trousers he had on a pair of old, worn and ripped muggle jeans, he did wear his white button-down shirt, although it was open at the collar and his tie hung messily and loose around his neck and his robes were open completely.
As they entered the Great Hall, there were a great many stares directed at Sirius and an outbreak of whispers followed them as they made their way to their usual place at the Gryffindor table. Sirius sat down and James fell into the seat next to him as Remus took the seat across from Sirius and Peter the spot across from James.
Sirius did not look away from Remus' quiet glare, he shook his head at the predicament his friend found himself in. Remus wanted nothing more than to lecture Sirius, but really he couldn't not without breaking his silence about the whole Alphard dying situation. Remus was nothing if not stubborn. There was a loud giggling from behind Sirius and he turned to find a group of third-years behind him, when his eyes landed on the group one of the girls was pushed forward blushing madly.
"Hey, Sirius." She said quietly and Sirius gave her a soft grin.
"Hello, Miranda." He responded offering a little wave to the rest of the collected girls.
"We just wanted to tell you that we-um- love your new look." The girl said her face becoming steadily redder.
Sirius leaned over and kissed the girl on the check quickly, "Thanks darling."
He turned around quickly but like everyone else in the great hall caught the squealing of the young girls just moments after.
"Oh great!" James said around a mouthful of bacon and eggs. "It'll be even more insufferable now! With this bad-boy thing going, I think your fan-club just gained at least another three-hundred members."
Sirius just shook his head. "It's not their fault I'm irresistible."
Remus snorted and Sirius looked over at him trying to understand the strange look on the werewolf's face, when suddenly there was a loud boom and their attention was immediately drawn to the Slytherin table.
The whole of Gryffindor erupted into laughter and applause as the little sponges attacked his greasy hair causing little bubbles to fly everywhere. Sirius would have laughed were it not for the look of resignation on the other boy's face. It was not an angry look even but a darker sort of acceptance and something inside Sirius snapped.
"Cut it out, James." Sirius hissed to his friend who was nearly falling on the floor in laughter. His friend turned to him with a look of surprise.
"What?" James asked.
"Just stop it, alright." Sirius said and he felt a strong sense of relief when James waved his wand and the sponges disappeared leaving Snape with a head full of soapy bubbles and a look of pure mutiny now creeping into his features.
"What's the matter, Pads?" Peter asked.
Sirius shook his head and stood up from the table. "I'm not hungry."
He threw his messenger bag over his shoulder and made to walk out of the hall when there was suddenly a tugging at his wrist. He looked down to see the bright green eyes of Lily Evans gazing up at him.
"Thanks." She said, but Sirius could tell it took some effort.
"Don't thank me." Sirius responded lazily and pulled his arm from her tiny fingers and continued out of the hall. He made the final turn to towards the Transfiguration classroom when he heard footsteps behind him, he didn't turn around and only realized his mistake when he was hit by a tripping jinx and sent sprawling onto the hard stone of the corridor floor. He turned around his wand already in his hand and came face to face with the three people he least wanted to deal with on this particular morning. Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and his little brother.
"Well, well. Look's like we've caught ourselves a blood traitor." Lucius drawled and Sirius rolled his eyes.
"You know, Blondie, you should really work out some new insults." Sirius said rising to his feet. He didn't look at Regulus, he couldn't look at Regulus.
Severus and Lucius had their wands directed at him in a manner that was much more defensive than offensive. They expected him to strike first but Sirius wasn't in the mood for a pureblood brawl. He pocketed his wand and re-adjusted his bag on his shoulder.
"Why don't you slither on back to whatever hole you came from, yeah?" Sirius said airily and turned away.
"Reggie here, asked us to lay off you today. Seems to think you're a bit too sensitive to mind your wand." Lucius said his voice echoing down the hall, which Sirius realized had suddenly become populated with other students.
Sirius turned back and looked at his brother for the first time, there was a glimmer of apology in his eyes. Strangely he recalled his own words from so many years ago, Do whatever you need to, say what they want to hear, Reg. Just survive how you can.
"What's the matter, Black?" Lucius' voice was dripping with malice, "Going to miss your Uncle? Was he giving you a bit of the family treatment?"
Without thinking, without really even the intent to do so, Sirius' swung his arm out and his fist landed hard on Lucius' delicate jaw. Sirius stepped back as Lucius staggered but managed to keep himself on his feet and raised his wand with a deadly fury rising in his eyes.
"Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Snape, please explain why you have your wands drawn in the middle of the corridor." Professor McGonagall's voice rang out and Sirius stiffened.
"Professor, Black struck Lucius." Snape's voice held a bit of outrage.
Professor McGonagall approached the group of boys and looked from Lucius' swollen jaw to Sirius' reddened knuckles before turning to a fourth-year Hufflepuff who stood just off to the side.
"Miss Cleary, can you tell me what happened here?" Professor McGonagall's voice was harsh and firm and the mousy girl looked positively intimidated.
"Well, when I came about Severus and Lucius had their wands pointed at Sirius and…and Lucius said something about Sirius' uncle and Sirius punched him." The girl sent Sirius an apologetic look before returning her eyes to the floor.
"Mr. Black's wand was not drawn?" The Professor asked.
"No." The girl responded meekly.
"Twenty points from Slytherin for inciting a fight in the corridor." She said and turned briskly in the direction of her classroom.
"But-but…Professor, Black…" Snape called out after her and the stern Professor spun on her heel to face him.
"Mr. Snape, you and Mr. Malfoy both had your wands pointed at Mr. Black when he did not raise his to you." When Snape didn't argue she continued. "I am not going to punish a student for defending himself, and I must say I admire Mr. Black's restraint."
The sound of shock echoing through a large group of people is a strange thing, because it can only be described as an extremely noisy silence. Professor McGonagall turned again and made her way to her classroom. James, Remus and Peter appeared at Sirius' side suddenly and James threw an arm across his shoulder's once again.
"Bloody brilliant. Prank on Snivillus, You punch Malfoy, Slytherins lose points AND McGonagall goes soft on you! Today is a great day." James said.
They continued down the hall but as they approached the door Remus pulled Sirius back. Without a word he took Sirius' hand in his and waved his wand muttering to himself. Sirius' hand warmed and cooled and then he flexed his fingers.
"Thanks, Moon." Sirius said quietly and Remus squeezed his hand.
Whatever softness the Transfiguration professor may have shown in the corridor it did not reappear in the classroom when James and Peter lost the house ten points each for attempting permanently engrave their names into their desktop. The return to the normal behavior of his Professor comforted Sirius in a way he couldn't explain.
*
As the week drew to a close, Sirius was thankful that James had finally stopped his persistent questioning and even more so the constant absurd pranking that had landed him two full weeks detention and a fail grade on a potions quiz. Peter too had reverted back to his more normal and less sensitive self, Remus on the other hand was still being quiet and observational, beyond what was normal for Remus that is. But mostly, things had returned to the same as they had been.
Sirius had found a singularly perfect distraction from his all-too adult like thoughts, and this distraction came the many forms of swooning girls that always seemed to be on hand when he found himself becoming too broody. In fact, at this very moment, while Remus was working away at the table across from him, Sirius was flirting shamelessly and wordlessly with a pretty dark haired Ravenclaw at the next table over. She was pretty enough for sure, she didn't make him go bonkers like Prongs did over Lily Evans, but no girl ever really did and Sirius was convinced it wasn't possible. Lily Evans aside, this little Ravenclaw certainly seemed snog-worthy.
As is his habit there were a few things rolling around in his head all at once. Firstly, it was that Remus was being extremely obvious with his not-so-stealthy looks at Sirius, second, the Ravenclaw's skirt was intentionally edging its way up her thigh, and finally Sirius' sixteenth birthday was next Sunday. And somehow with his eyes on the slowly upward bound hem of the skirt, and the movement of Remus' head in the corner of his eye, Sirius came to a revelation and he looked over to Remus.
"Hey, Moon, you're a virgin right?" Sirius asked abruptly and without lowering his voice, Remus' head snapped up a reddish tint to his cheeks.
'What?" He asked.
"You're a virgin, yeah?" Sirius repeated.
A hand came out from his left and smacked him and Sirius turned just as James lifted his head off the desk groggily and looked around.
"We're in the library?" He asked scowling at Sirius. "Why'd you wake me up?"
"I know Jamie is." Sirius said and looked to Remus again, "So, how 'bout it, Moons?"
James looked from Sirius to Remus who was very red in the face and then to the empty fourth chair at the table. "Where's Pete got to?"
Sirius watched Remus very carefully as he fought down the blush and addressed James. "Snuck out of here about half an hour ago to go down to the kitchens."
"Ah…good plan." James stood and stretched before walking out.
"Remus, Remus, Remus." Sirius shook his head. "Will you never learn that keeping secrets and Marauders do not mix."
Remus stared at his parchment.
"So, who was it? When was it? How did you keep it a secret?" Sirius asked all at once having decided it would be prudent to lower his voice a bit. "How did it feel?"
Remus shook his head.
"Fine." Sirius cried out indignantly. "I will not be bested by you for much longer, Moon-pie."
Sirius glanced brazenly over at the Ravenclaw who was still looking at him. He stood up but Remus reached across the table to grab his wrist before he could head over.
"She's only fourteen, Sirius." Remus said lowly .
Sirius looked skeptically over at the girl who looked anything but too young.
"I'm only fifteen." Sirius said with a shrug and Remus dropped his head to the table with a thud. "Oh come off it, Remus. I promise I'll keep my pants on."
Sirius left Remus alone in the library, which wasn't unusual for the werewolf at all, and as he passed the little Ravenclaw, and leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Time to prove you're not a tease."
*
It was far beyond curfew and Sirius was winding his way in the direction of Gryffindor tower. It was early May now, and the weather lingered in a strange middle-ground between the harshness of a Scottish winter and the casual placidity of spring, the castle's stone floors were cold still and Sirius was barefoot for no particular reason. He found that lately, he could find reason for very little, this revelation was comforting in the way that slow deterioration sometimes can be. As he turned down yet another long corridor he came but a few feet short of running into Remus and Lily. They stared at him with identical looks that fell somewhere between astonishment and extreme disapproval.
It may have been that he was outside of curfew, although Sirius was nearly always outside of curfew these days. It may have been his appearance, what with his naked feet, his favorite jeans that were little more than shredded denim and dragged a bit on the bottoms, his school-issue white button up completely undone, tie hanging loosely on his bare chest, and his hair disheveled and falling into his eyes. It may have been the muggle cigarette that hung from his left hand or the pair of red panties that were crushed absently in his right. It may have been the glassy look to his eyes, or the dark bags beneath them. It may have been a great many things, and all of them equally deserving of their looks.
Sirius sighed into the silence and took a drag of his cigarette and put up a smile.
"Good-Evening fair Prefects." He spoke and it sounded forced even to his own ears, he wondered when that had happened.
"Black!" Lily finally managed and her voice echoed it's way down the hall. "This is—You're breaking about eight or ten school rules!"
"Well, which is it Evans? Eight or Ten?" Sirius drawled out and made his way to the wall where he promptly slid down, resting his back against the cool stone and kicking one foot out and leaving the other up against his chest. He caught Remus' eye and wondered when his friend would step in and end the charade, but then he remembered that Remus was still being quiet-Remus and sighed again. He took another drag off his cigarette and then pulled his wand from his pocket and vanished it before pulling out another and lighting it.
"That's it! Three nights detention and 20 points off!" Lily nearly shouted and stared at Sirius as if daring him to respond as flippantly as he had before. Remus continued to look at him, head titled slightly to the right.
Sirius only smiled, he loved that Lily Evans acted precisely the same. He loved that she hated him just as fervently as before and that there was no softening of blows, no handholding, because Sirius was certainly tired of that. It was one reason all the random girls were so addicting, they didn't care that he was emotionally buggered up, only that he touched right, and kissed right, and all the other things that really had very little to do with Sirius at all. And maybe it wasn't right that Sirius didn't particularly enjoy the experience of the whole thing, it served a purpose and he wasn't hurting anyone by it.
After awhile he stood brushing off the back of his jeans and nodded to Lily. "Will do."
He continued his way down the hall brushing shoulders with them both as he passed between them. A few whispered words bounced off the stonewalls and then with unsurprising speed Remus was by his side. They walked in silence for a long time and Sirius was growing frustrated in precisely the way Remus wanted him to. They stepped onto a staircase, which began to turn with a sudden jerk and Sirius cursed aloud. As the stair case slowly turned, a strange manic energy bounced around in side of him, because he didn't want to go down the stairs in the direction of the Library when he was heading in the direction of the common room, but there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it, and his frustration built further as the stairs clicked loudly into place and seemed to mock him.
And then Remus said, "So, whose panties?"
Sirius reacted, as usual, purely on the contained and unexplainable emotions that were caught up and caged within him and pushed Remus violently into the wall. Remus did not look impressed, or particularly shocked and Sirius raised his hand from where it gripped a handful of the other boy's shirt and punched the stonewall two inches from his friends head. Sirius both felt and heard the bones snap but he could not bring himself to care. And Remus said nothing, only looked at Sirius with eyes that said I knew this would happen.
"I hate you Remus Lupin." Sirius' voice was detached and he didn't mean it. He only hated that Remus knew him so well, and that he knew Remus so well. Because really, it was the knowing that made this all so damn hard.
It was believed, that the Marauders shared everything. That they told each other everything, knew everything about each other, and it was perhaps, nearly the truth. Except for the fact that it wasn't true, not quite. Remus knew about Orion Black and the ever-present ache in Sirius' ribs, and Sirius knew about John Lupin and a debt that went unpaid until Remus was six-years old. James and Peter did not know for the same reason most of the students of Hogwarts could not see the threstles that pulled their carriages. Because some things cannot be known until they are understood.
Remus still hadn't spoken and the silence in the empty corridor was grating on the edges of Sirius' already fried nerves. He was cracking because of the things that Remus didn't have to say because Sirius knew he was thinking them. Remus didn't move from the wall and didn't turn his gaze away from Sirius' face. Sirius felt his breath quickening and he clenched his fists despite the pain in his right knuckles.
"This is such utter crap, Remus! I'm fine! I don't know what the bloody-hell your problem is!" Sirius raged. "So, what if Alphard died? Apparently it was a long time coming. Prongs' parents knew and they told James about it two-years ago? So what. What's the point of telling me? Not like it's a big deal, not like some warning would have helped at all! Not like fucking…fuck, fuck fuck. Fuck."
And Sirius looked at Remus and it all came crumbling down, because Remus' expression hadn't changed, and he hadn't spoken, he was just there and him being there tore something up in Sirius for reasons he couldn't explain.
"I can't make it come back, I know I'm behaving precisely the way you always tell me I shouldn't and then some…but there is just nothing that can make it come back. But all these things make it feel like it could." Sirius said breathing heavily and taking a step back from Remus wanting nothing more than to run away, but even as he did this, Remus stepped forward.
"Make what come back?" Remus asked, his voice even and nearly flat.
There was a long and weighted silence.
"Whatever it is that makes me, me." Sirius said desperately.
Remus shook his head and pulled Sirius into a tight embrace, and Sirius wanted to cry because he couldn't recall the last time someone hugged him like this.
"Sirius, what makes you, you, didn't go anywhere. You're being you right now, have been all along." Remus said softly into Sirius' hair. "It's just that now you have to be you, without Alphard—and that Sirius, is an entirely different matter all together."
*
Sirius felt lighter, and happier and nearly back to the person he had been prior to Alphard's death. Many of his newly acquired 'bad habits' however, remained. He still got pissed more often than he should, he still messed around with many girls for no other reason than it stroked his ego and he still disregarded a great many of the rules. The Marauders were back in full force and pranking as if they hadn't spent the better part of two months in a strange sort of unbalanced limbo. Remus and Sirius never talked about the night in the corridor and James and Peter shrugged off the change of mood in their two friends as simply time doing what it does.
Sirius was leaving detention, on his way down to the Shrieking Shack hoping to catch up with the rest of his friends in the full-moon festivities when Severus Snape came out from behind a suit of armor to stand in the center of the hall.
"Impressive lurking there, Snivellus. Practicing for when you become a Death Eater?" Sirius said his wand already out and pointing lazily at the other boy's chest.
"Where are your friends tonight, eh Black?" Snape said ignoring Sirius' barb entirely.
"Wouldn't know, I've been in detention." Sirius responded and then moved to walk past the boy when suddenly Snape shouted.
"Llegimans!" And Sirius' eyes were forced to the dark black emptiness that were Snape's.
He knew the spell; with a family like his it was not so unusual. But Snape was a novice and his presence was blatant inside of Sirius' mind. Tearing around his thoughts like a wild animal. Searching. Sirius focused hard on sweeping away and locking up any thoughts of Remus, pushing them to the dark corners of his mind. But there was one memory that he wasn't able to cover in time and it was suddenly flashing behind his eyes, like watching a movie on the inside of his own skull.
"Remus told us we have to get to that knob." James said looking up at the Whoming Willow with something a bit like apprehension in his eyes.
"Right, but how—" Peter put in only to be interrupted as Sirius shoved him forward.
"Come on now, Wormy. There's a reason you're so tiny." Sirius said with an amused tone.
Peter blanched and then seemed to shake himself and then suddenly Peter was gone and a off-brownish garden rat scurried toward the tree and up to the notch. The branches froze and the rat came back toward them and soon enough Peter was once again standing before them.
"I was almost squished." Peter said wheezing out his breaths.
Sirius pulled himself away from the thought and flung his wand out with a wail of discontent.
"Bastard! Stupefy!"
But Sirius' curse missed because Snape was already tearing down the hall and Sirius chased after him his head sore from Snape's intrusion and making him more than a little dizzy. He stumbled out of the castle and across the yard but Snape was too far ahead and Sirius yelled out for him to stop even as the other boy raised his wand and levitated a stick to hit the knot at the center of the tree. Sirius heard the terrified scream just as he reached the entrance to the tunnel and threw himself down it panting and with blood running in thick rivulets from his nose.
Snape was halfway down the tunnel, frozen and staring. A great stag stood at the other end pushing his antlers against a snarling werewolf. Sirius transformed immediately and pushed past Sirius just as the werewolf broke free from the stag. Sirius collided with the werewolf both running at full speed. The werewolf pushed the dog aside only to see that it's prey had already gone from the tunnel and it was sealed once again. The wolf let out a ferocious howl of anger before turning its eyes to the black dog that stood panting in front of him. There was nothing but fury and bloodlust in its eyes.
*
Sirius woke up slowly and even after he had opened his eyes, everything was shining in through a whitish haze. When things focused a little better he realized where he was, and turned his head to find James sleeping hunched over in the chair at his right. His eyes moved to the bed across from him where Remus lay, still heavily bandaged and sleeping peacefully. Peter was nowhere to be seen, but he hated the hospital wing so there isn't any surprise in that. The events of the previous night burned across his mind with searing reality, Snape knew, Snape knew Remus' secret. In his mental panic he pulled himself upright too quickly and nearly cried out when pain shot through his stomach and made him nauseous. He lifted his shirt to find three broad claw marks there. He heard James moving and turned to look at him.
"Sirius! You're all right. Thank Merlin." James said running his hand through his hair again and again. "What the hell happened last night? How did Snape get in?"
Sirius looked down at the crisp white sheets that lay over his knees. He realized two painfully important things: Remus had nearly killed Severus Snape last night and Remus would never forgive himself for it. And then, Sirius made a decision.
"I told him." Sirius said and there was an absolute sort of silence, where even the rest of the world seemed to realize something terrible had just been spoken.
"You what?" James didn't yell, not like he usually did when Sirius said or did something particularly idiotic, no, his tone was deathly cold.
"I told him—I thought—I didn't think he would go." Sirius stuttered out trying to find rationale for an action so atrocious as this. "It was just supposed to get him off my back, you know how he's always asking…"
The sound of the plastic chair toppling over as James stood was louder than anything Sirius had heard in his entire life. James' expression was mutinous and full of betrayal.
"You…you bastard." And that was all James said before he stormed out of the hospital wing knocking into two more chairs as he left. Sirius took his eyes from the door and let out a fearful breath as he caught Remus' golden tinted brown eyes boring into his.
There was something akin to hatred in those eyes. And Sirius realized too late that perhaps none of them would forgive him this lie. But he knew Remus, and Remus would leave Hogwarts at the thought that he could have hurt someone. That someone could have found out on their own and been nearly killed. Remus would sacrifice his future to be one hundred percent sure that no one would be harmed because of him. But Sirius got there first, he had sacrificed himself for Remus and he did not regret it at all.
Later, in Dumbledore's office he told the truth. He held his head in his hands not looking at the old wizard and explained to him about meeting Snape in the corridor and everything after, leaving out their animingus forms, although somehow, he felt as though Dumbledore knew. Sirius begged the headmaster to please set him to some punishment, so that his lie would be more realistic. The old man had looked at him for a long time and then come to sit in the chair directly beside him.
"Sirius, you are a Gryffindor through and through." He had said, his voice soft. "But, I wonder if you understand that you may lose your friends entirely for this."
"It isn't sacrifice unless it hurts." Sirius said quietly.
"No, no I suppose it isn't." The headmaster responded. "But what if the sacrifice is greater this way? For everyone involved."
In the end, the headmaster had given Sirius detention for the rest of the term, but had asked that Sirius report to his office at 7:00 PM, every evening. There were four weeks of term left and Sirius knew they would likely be the hardest four weeks he'd ever had.
Sirius moved slowly as he made his way to Gryffindor tower, trying to cement his will to not break under the outrage his friends were sure to display at his arrival. He couldn't break down, he couldn't tell them the truth. Remus could never know the truth.
The Hogwarts' Rumor Mill was a finely run machine, and the stories had been churning over the last 24 hours about what had gone down. No one knew the details but for those involved and none of them were speaking. What everyone knew, is that something awful had happened, Sirius had done it, Snape was involved and the Marauders seemed to be on the verge of a massive break up. It was all anyone could talk about, so when Sirius came in through the portrait hole, the entire common room was silenced. Thirty or so eyes followed him as he made his way to the boy's dormitory.
Sirius hesitated outside the door taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, and then he pushed it open. Remus was back from the hospital wing, still looking weak and huddled on his bed. James sat next to him an arm around his shoulders and Peter sat at the end of the bed picking at the comforter. They all looked up when Sirius closed the door behind him. Sirius took out his wand and whispered a quick silencing charm, just incase some prying ears had made their way up the stairs.
He leant against the door, his stomach still stinging with pain and did not look away from the angry accusation in his friends' eyes. And then, Remus was pulling away from James and getting awkwardly out of bed. Sirius watched without speaking as Remus took slow and deliberate steps toward him. He came close enough for Sirius to see the wet-shine of tears in his eyes and suddenly Sirius could not look at his friend anymore. He closed his eyes and then there was a blinding pain in his right jaw and he staggered, nearly falling to the floor. He opened his eyes and raised a hand to his mouth, as he tasted blood. He straightened himself and met Remus' eyes, and waited. And Remus hit him again. Sirius did not try to protect himself; he just straightened his limbs and faced his friend's pain-filled eyes once more.
It's okay, Moony. He wanted to say. It's okay.
But he said nothing, and Remus did not hit him again. After several long minutes the brown haired boy turned away and moved back to the bed. Sirius moved to his own and crawled into it pulling the curtains closed and pulling his knees to his chest. He regretted his decision for the first time then, not because his jaw ached and his lip was split, but because he could see so clearly the pain of betrayal in Remus' eyes and that searching look he gave Sirius. It was as if he wanted nothing more in the world than for Sirius to have a good enough answer, a good enough reason, so that he could be forgiven. And Sirius did, but he couldn't say. Remus may hate him, may hurt from the loss of their friendship, but he'd have his education and he'd have his peace of mind and right now, Sirius was the only one who could give him that.
*
Sirius hadn't spoken to Remus, James or Peter for two weeks. Not a single word. He sat at the end of the Gryffindor table at meals, surrounded by girls who were vying for his attention and stared at his friends. For the first week, the three others seemed as desperately miserable as Sirius felt, but then their faces showed less stress, their eyes found a happier glint, Remus was laughing at James' over-dramatic storytelling, and by Wednesday of the second week every occupant of the Slytherin table were clucking like chickens. The Marauders had moved on, perhaps not entirely, but enough to regain their balance. Sirius' very soul ached as he watched them but at the same time he was relieved and his belief in his choice was further cemented.
The detentions with Dumbledore were a farce, and Sirius spent a few hours each night drinking tea, eating lemon drops and working on homework. He was thankful, however, for the excuse to not be around the dorms or common room, where he would have to see the others and their gradual erasure of Sirius' presence. By the third week, Sirius thought he might lose his mind. Watching the people he cared most about get on with the business of living as if his absence mattered naught, was an excruciating blow to his sense of self-worth.
On Friday of the third week, he was in a broom closet with a girl named Anna who was a Hufflepuff. She had brazenly whispered in his ear at dinner that she could make him forget all about 'those stupid friends of his' and Sirius had wanted nothing more. She was attractive enough he supposed, not that it mattered in the dimly lit closet. It was his first time, but Sirius didn't have the emotional faculties to care enough to be nervous. He just needed to feel something, anything other than so completely alone. It was wet, and hot, and not entirely unpleasant and for the few seconds when the world spun out of control, Anna had made good on her word. After that, Sirius never went back to the dorms before curfew and neither did a great many girls.
The rumor mill was churning with Sirius' newfound sexual deviancy and he found himself constantly surrounded by girls, and he let it be because if nothing else for a few seconds every night, nothing mattered.
It was two days before classes let out for the summer holiday and well past curfew, but still Sirius sat out on the edge of the lake staring over the careful blackness that was illuminated by the quarter moon. He was just sitting there, working on being numb inside when someone sat down next to him. Sirius glanced over to find James running his hand through his hair a deep frown marring his features.
"Padfoot…" James' voice was full of guilty sadness that left Sirius at once afraid and relieved. "I don't know why you're doing this…but you should tell him the truth."
Sirius shook his head and looked again at the lake.
"Lily and I, we've started talking. And it's all your fault really." James continued, "She came to ask me if I was doing all right, what with the whole not talking to you anymore thing. And we just talked. She knew about Remus, worked it out herself. Promised not to tell anyone."
Sirius only nodded.
"She came to me today, really upset, near tears." James' voice hardened a bit. "Her and Snape got into a row, and he let slip about what happened with Remus. The whole thing. She reckons he wanted to impress her with his new skill or something."
Sirius looked at James and their eyes met, and Sirius missed their friendship more than anything. "You can't tell him, James."
James sighed and leaned his weight against his arms. "Why are you doing this?"
"He would never forgive himself." Sirius said. "You know he wouldn't. He would hate himself and he would think he was too dangerous to stay at the school."
James frowned. "You were just going to let us—hate you?"
Sirius didn't respond, he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to talk about it. James knowing the truth made things harder.
"I've missed you." James said.
"I missed you too." Sirius couldn't look at James.
James threw an arm around Sirius' shoulders. "We'll make it right again, we'll do what we need to do."
Sirius nodded but didn't believe him. For a while, they sat in companionable silence and James kept his arm across his shoulders as if he was afraid Sirius would attempt to leave.
"So…you've become quite the slut then." James said and Sirius looked at him and laughed. It felt like the first time he had ever done it.
"Had to do something with my time." Sirius responded earning a goofy grin from James.
"So, tell me…what's it like?"
*
Padfoot,
Moony admitted he missed you today. I think maybe he's going to forgive you soon.
Prongs
-------------------
Padfoot,
Moony and Wormtail came for a few days and we talked about the 'situation' (don't worry I didn't tell the truth). Moony has come to the conclusion that you didn't really mean any harm, and that it was so very like you to act before you think. He reckons you've been punished enough. Wormtail, of course, agrees.
Prongs
-------------------
Sirius,
I forgive you.
RJL
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Pads,
Moony says you never responded to him and you haven't responded to me either. What's up?
Prongs
-------------------
Sirius didn't respond because he was locked in his bedroom. Regulus for whatever reason had decided to slip the thankfully unopened letters under his door for him, but his window had been spelled to not open and so he could not send a response.
-------------------
SiriusYou've got us all freaked out. Please let us know that you're all right.
James, Remus and Peter
--------------------
Sirius had been locked in his room since halfway through the second week of the summer holiday. Orion was apparently still upset about Alphard's will and decided to show Sirius just how angry he was. Every once in a while, Orion would come crashing through the door wielding his anger viciously as he went from using his fists to using his wand.
----------------------
Sirius,
If it gets bad—leave. Come to James' house.
Remus
----------------------
Leave. It was such a simple word, and yet to Sirius it was as if a light had clicked on in his mind. Alphard's voice came back to him.
"I want you to get out of that house as soon as you can, and live your life the way you see fit."
He twirled his wand in his fingers and waited. Three days later Orion stormed into his son's room, but when he raised his fist, Sirius raised his wand.
"You will not hit me again." Sirius said. His trunk was packed with anything and everything he would take with him and stood at his side. "I'm leaving."
Orion laughed and brought out his own wand, but Sirius was quicker, if only because he had gone over this very moment for the last several days.
"Stupefy!" He shouted and watched in mute fascination as his father hit the ground with a loud thud. He grabbed the handle of his trunk and ran from the room, the weight of the trunk seeming like nothing. He came crashing down the steps, the loud bang of the trunk echoing throughout the foyer. He could hear his mother yelling from the Library and Regulus' footsteps come out onto the landing. He made it to the fireplace in the entryway and turned to catch his younger brother's form standing at the top of the stairs. He wanted to say something, anything.
I'm sorry.
I hate you.
Come with me.
But he didn't, he grabbed a handful of powder and threw it into the flames.
"Potter Home"
Sirius stumbled out of the fire into the Potter's living room nearly tripping as his trunk caught on the edge of the fireplace. He straightened himself out and looked around to find Peter, James and Remus looking at him with wide and surprised eyes. Ava and Harold were sitting in the living room too and from the looks of it, Ava had spilt her wine.
Sirius imagined they were all a bit shocked by his sudden arrival and poor appearance to know what exactly to say, so Sirius withdrew a piece of parchment from his pocket and held it up, his eyes meeting Remus'.
"I got your letter."
As soon as Sirius spoke it seemed to break everyone out of their shock and there was a sudden uproar.
"What the hell happened?" James and his father screamed out in nearly the same timbre and at the same time.
"Sirius!" Came as a squeak from Peter.
Remus' eyes held a brutal apology and a subtle anger that Sirius knew was meant for his parents. And Ava was on her feet and next to him in seconds yelling after Harold to grab her healer's kit. Ava led him to the sofa that was quickly vacated by Remus and James. He sat tensely on its edge as she looked at him. James was pacing, Peter was staring and Remus was looking at Sirius' trunk, his jaw tense.
Harold returned just as Ava had finished healing the cut on his temple and the bruises on his cheeks. James was asking a million questions but Sirius couldn't find his voice.
"Sirius, can you take your shirt off." Ava said.
Sirius looked up at everyone was staring at him. He could feel the spot on his shoulder where the blood had dried and his shirt clung to his skin as if glued there. He shook his head.
"Sirius, take off your shirt." It was the first time Sirius had heard Remus' voice in nearly two months. Their eyes met and after a moment Sirius lifted his shirt over his head. He heard Ava's quiet intake of breath and James' curse, but his eyes never left Remus'.
His chest was littered with bruises, his left side was one massive purple and yellow bruise, the cut on his shoulder was longer than it was deep and ran from near to his neck down to his collarbone. And then, of course there were the vivid red claw marks on his lower abdomen. Sirius watched Remus take it in and caught the pained look in his eyes.
The room went silent, as if no one else dared breathe. Sirius closed his eyes and remembered the song that Alphard had left him. This is your song today.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
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AN: Song is Let It Be, by the Beatles. Although to be honest I like the version from Across the Universe (the movie) much better. It obviously wasn't available in this time period, but it is much more haunting and beautiful than the original in my opinion.
Please, please review.
If you have anything you would like to see 'answered' in this story send me a review or a private note and I'll do my best!