I stretched inmy bed, scratching my head lightly while yawning. I kind of looked like Ana from Frozen, you know minus the drool. I only registered the beeping after I opened my eyes and was blinded by white light.
My mom was sitting in a chair on my left, drawing. Luke was standing in the doorway, talking to some doctor and Jace was laying his head on the hospital bed while he sat in a chair on my right side. I reached up and ran my hand through his curls.

He jumped awake and I giggled. Then everyone noticed I was awake and they stared at me. "What? What happened?" My mom frowned and glanced at Luke. "Where's Jon?" I asked and Jace began to look sick.

"Clary-" After Jace said my name it all came rushing back to me. The kiss. The crash. Jon's dead eyes. Jace saving me. The explosion. I closed my eyes tight as I felt a wave of nausea hit me when I remembered the smell
of blood and gas intermingling. Jace grabbed my hand and I leaned over the left side of the bed. I looked for the closest trash can, ripping my hand from Jace's and spewing my guts.

At that moment the doctor decided to come in.

The doctor had just come in to tell us that there was nothing physically wrong with me, and that I could go home but he suggested I see a therapist because of what just happened to me. It was a long 20 minutes of things I pretty much
already knew and then an even longer 30 minutes after of my mom asking me if I was okay while Luke did the paper work. I knew Mom was going to go home tonight and cry in Luke's arms because of me. I knew Mom was going to paint, driving herself deep
into her work so that she wouldn't think of her dead child that was killed by her other one.

I knew Luke was going to work longer shifts at the bookstore, and get more involved in my mom's life. He'd go to her gallery every night at 6 and give her takis, he'd try to talk to her for hours and then drop off takis for me before
going to sleep.

I knew even in that hospital that everything would change. I knew that my house would become even more lonely and going to school would feel like taking the world on my back. I knew it'd all be my fault. I knew Jace would try to crowd
me for a week after, but once I pushed him away one too many times he would stop. He'd become a player, driving himself into girls. Literally. I knew I'd have to hear their moans even from next door and I knew that even when he didn't have a girl
there he would playing his music loudly. He'd try to drown out the thoughts in his head about me.

And I was right. Well almost, Jace crowded me for two weeks after but then he stopped and did exactly what I thought. We got into this huge fight before he stopped.

I was sitting on my bed, staring at my ceiling numbly. Jace was tapping his fingers against my desk while staring at a drawing on my desk. The drawing was of Jace, Jon and I. "Are you okay?" He asked and I just snapped. I sat up fast
enough to give my whiplash and glared at him.

"I'm not okay! Clearly I am not okay and I am tired of hearing that fücking question!" Jace stared at me with a mix of pity and fear. I stood up from my bed and began tearing my drawings off the walls. Jace told me to stop, at one
point he even stood up to hold me back but I got loose and I went after the drawing on my desk. I tore it to pieces.

"Clary!" I remember hearing Jace yell, and only that brought me back. It made me realize I was crying and so was Jace. He was holding the torn up pieces of the drawing from the ground. He picked up the pieces and I felt my heart shatter.

"Leave." Jace stared at me in surprise. "Are you deaf? I said leave!" I shoved him out of my room and slammed my door on his face. He banged against it, yelling my name over and over.

"Clary, if I leave, I won't come back. Please open the door. Please," Jace pleaded with me. I listened through the door and made a move to the handle, but then pulled away and laid on my bed. I stuffed my head in my pillow as
I heard his footsteps leave. Once I heard him leave my house, I sobbed. The first time I had cried since that night.

It wasn't exactly like it wasn't expected. It just hurt. It hurt to listen to him sleep with every girl in high school. It hurt to listen to my heart break for hour after hearing every girl scream his name. It was my fault too, I pushed
him away. I told him to leave. If he got aids it was probably my fault as well. Maybe another guy I love will die because of me.

And that leads us to today. I am standing in front of Jace's door, giving myself one last chance before I make myself go to hell.