Mascara ran down my pale cheeks violently like a waterfall. I wasn't able to stop these tears, nor did I understand why these thoughts always brought me to this state.

It was like Cat was my obsession. She consumed my every thought.

Even when I was with Beck, she was all I would think about. When his lips pressed against mine, I'd pretend they were Cat's. For a split second, I'd trick myself into believing it were her but when I felt my arms wrap around his muscular body I was suddenly pulled back into reality.

I'd finally come to the conclusion that I was a lesbian, I liked girls and I loved Cat. I just didn't have the strength to admit it and I certainly wasn't going to confess my feelings. If I did, I knew that'd be the end of the friendship we had. That killed me.

Without Cat, I'm nothing. I feel worthless in this world but whenever Cat's around I feel like I belong. She's the only one who's been there to pick up all the pieces, I just wish she could fill in the one last missing piece.

Buzz, Buzz.

The vibration of my pear phone on my nightstand made me turn over to see the screen light up as it displayed a picture of Cat. I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath before reading her text.

'You okay, Jadey? xo' I read the message with a slight smile, it was cute how she always cared for me.

'Yeah, Cat. I'm fine.' I sent the message. It was brief but that's how I had to be. It's how I forced myself to be.

Within what seemed like only seconds Cat replied.

'Are you sure? Want to have a sleepover? I found cupcake flavored bibble, I'll let you try it, but don't tell anyone else...I don't like sharing. :3' I read the message, letting out a small chuckle. I liked having no one around me, I didn't have to force myself to seem annoyed by her random adorable nature.

'Um, I'll pass on the bibble...and the sleepover.' I read the message over and over before taking a deep breath and finally sending it. I hated how mean I had to be to her but I couldn't have a sleepover with her. She'd sense I was crying like she senses everything, then she'd beg me to tell her why until I finally give in.

'But..um, okay. :(' Great, I fucked up and made her upset like always.

'Fine..I'll have your stupid little sleepover.' I sent the text, knowing she'd ignore my word choice and just focus on the fact that I gave into her like always.

I set my phone back down on the table, before walking into the bathroom. I could see the mascara stains and the puffy redness under my eyes from crying so much. Taking a deep breath, I pulled my hair into a ponytail and turned on the cold water. I let the water run for a few moments before I began to wash my face.

This whole sleepover thing was a terrible idea.

Pulling my hair out of its ponytail, I slipped the band around my wrist as I walked back into my room. Looking over at the table, I could see my phone had a dim light. I checked my phone to see it was another text from Cat. I knew I wasn't the fastest person in the world but I said I'd have the sleepover, I was heading over in a minute.

'I'll come over to your place, see you soon xo' My eyes widened as I read the text. Checking the sending time, I could see it was sent only fifteen minutes ago which meant Cat had to be here soon.

"Shit!" I muttered, placing my phone back on the table to here a faint voice from a distance. I suddenly stood frozen for a minute.

"Jade." It was Cat. I could tell but she was in my house and I didn't let her in.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped as I turned to face her.

My viciousness didn't seem to have an affect on her, she was still happier than ever.

Letting out a small giggle, she looked up at me, "Sleepover, silly!"

I rolled my eyes, of course she was here for the sleepover I wasn't stupid. "I mean what the hell are you doing in my house? How did you get in here?"

She let another giggle escape her lips as she sauntered over and sat comfortably on my bed. "Your door was unlocked."

"So you decided to just let yourself in?" I raised my pierced brow at her.

As I watched her, she just began to giggle and nod. I never understood how she stayed so happy all the time but I accepted it. I never really minded it.

I forced out a small groan as I plopped myself on the bed next to her. "Well.." I trailed off, letting out a breath. "You're here, so what do you want to do?" I pretended not to care about any of the suggestions she would make as I examined my nails.

Everything was quiet, too quiet. Had I scared her?

I looked up to see her big brown eyes staring at me, which caused a force scowl. "What are you staring at me for?" I grumbled.

"Are you okay?" She spoke, her voice was soft. She inched slightly closer, looking directly into my eyes.

I let out a breath, "I told you before, I'm fine." I shifted a bit.

She was examining my every move, scanning me up and down. Her eyes suddenly fell on mine again as a look of sadness rolled over her. "You're not..."

It amazed me how well she knew me sometimes. Everyone else always found it impossible to sense whatever I was feeling but not Cat. I slowly looked away, biting down on my bottom lip, unable to look into her eyes for so long. I could sense her puppy dog like face coming, along with her little whiny baby voice that I'd always pretend to hate. Truth is, the only reason I truly hated it was because it always cracked me.

"Jadey," there was the little baby like whine that I expected and I knew if I looked back I'd see her little pout. I could feel her begin to shake my arm gently as she noticed I wasn't going to look. She knew I was trying my hardest not to give in. "Please!" suddenly her voice changed. It wasn't that whiny baby voice anymore. It wasn't stern, either. It was a voice of genuine sadness.

I looked over as I felt her arm drop off mine, she wasn't even looking at me anymore. "Cat.." my voice was soft this time. I always seemed to hurt her and I hated myself for this. She was always so sweet and caring and I always treated her like she meant nothing to me. Deep down, she meant more to me than anyone could ever know. "Cat, please.." I felt the tears beginning to well up in my eyes, seeing her genuinely upset and knowing it was my fault. I just wanted her to look at me, to see her big brown eyes. I wanted to see that smile that lit up her face. I wanted to hear her angel like voice, cheerful again. "Look at me, please."

The only movement she made was the slow shake of her head. This killed me.

A tear trickled down my cheek as I let out a shaky breath. "Cat...please. You don't understand," I spoke through my tears, my voice still soft.

"I do understand!" she jumped off the bed as she gave me a furious look.

I had never expected this from her, I never thought such a innocent and fragile thing like Cat had the ability to be this angry. I didn't even know the emotion existed inside of her. Clearly, I was shocked and lost for words as I looked up at her.

My silence only caused her to become more furious as she bit down hard on her teeth.

"You don't.." the words came out, a whisper. I wasn't capable of raising my voice, the tears that continued to pour out of me weren't really helping me either.

"I do!" I could tell she wanted to say more but she ended up stopping. She released the tension from her jaw, looking at me as if she were disappointed. "I thought you were my best friend.." her voice was soft, all of a sudden. Looking into her eyes, I could see tears beginning to form, while I began to cry harder.

"I am your best friend," I forced the words out through my tears before she could continue.

She shook her head, "No. You say you are but you hate me. I know you hate me."

I gasped. How could she say this? She was the one person in the world I could never hate. Why would I let her do things to me that I didn't allow anyone else to do? Why would I even bother to spend time with her out of school? Why would I take time to listen to her problems or go to her to vent about mine? She was killing me with her words. At this point, I didn't even want to be alive. "I don't hate you!" I cried out.

"Then why won't you tell me what's wrong?" her voice became much louder, again as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Just because I won't tell you...it doesn't mean I hate you."

"But you always do this..it's like you never want to tell me anything. You either hate me or don't trust me."

I reached my hand out for hers and surprisingly, she placed her hand in mine. Gently I pulled her over to me, she hesitantly sat beside me, covering her face as more tears began to trickle down her soft perfectly tan skin. "Kitty...don't cry," I pulled her in for a hug, biting my lip hard hoping she didn't hear the pet name I had given her. The pressure on my bottom lip, seemed to melt away my tears so I could focus on Cat. "I could never hate you, you're the only person I trust," I whispered softly into her ear.

"Then, tell me," she said softly, pulling away to look at me.

I let out a breath, "It's too complicated Cat."

A tiny whine escaped her lips as she began standing up from the bed.

I quickly pulled her back down and turned her to look at me gently. "Listen, I'm sorry for hurting you..I always take advantage of you because you're always so happy and I don't think that what I'm saying will affect you. I was wrong, okay? You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you. That's why I can't tell you, Cat."

Her tears stopped as she looked at me in confusion.

The look on her face kind of cheered me up a bit but this wasn't a time to smile or laugh, no matter how adorable she looked.

"You won't lose me..we made a promise that we could tell each other anything.."

"I know, Cat but-"

"Just tell me, nothing could ever ruin our friendship. I promise," she cut me off as she wiped her tears and gave me a comforting smile.

I let out a breath and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to prepare myself for any reaction I would receive after confessing everything. Opening my eyes, I could see her staring right at me with a smile. "I-I.." I struggled to get my words out, this was the most difficult thing I've ever had to say and I had to say it just right. "I'm in love with you," the words finally reached my lips.

Her eyes widened, in complete shocked.

I wanted to say more but before I knew it she was gone. Out the door, with no goodbye or anything.

I was right all along, this secret had ruined our friendship. I should have never spoke to her the very first day I laid my eyes on her.

Things would be different if I hadn't.

Thoughts of her beauty wouldn't forever cloud my mind. Or, overwhelming guilt of persistently being mean to her. I'd no longer have a weakness...

I wouldn't be sitting here crying my eyes out over someone who obviously didn't care about me enough to stay. In the end they all leave...even those who you thought would always stay by your side.

Those who made you feel like your life was worth living will quickly make you feel you wish you were never alive at all.