"So are we in this movie?" asked Poison Ivy as she and Harley strolled out of the airport in Los Angeles. "If so, we need to make sure we're cast properly. I don't wanna end up with a disaster like the last time I was portrayed in a film. Some weird thing where I was blackmailing Freeze for some reason?"
"Oh yeah, I kinda remember that," said Harley, nodding. "Though I think me and Mr. J did make out through most of that one."
"Probably best, actually," agreed Ivy. "Maybe they should just stop trying to make movies about us. Or at least consult us about who we think should be cast."
"Mr. J likes that guy from Star Wars playing him," said Harley. "Y'know…what's his name. 'Use the Force, Luke.' That guy."
"Oh yeah, he does do a pretty good impression," agreed Ivy. "I dunno who I'd cast for me. Rita Hayworth if she weren't dead, I guess."
"I did some acting in high school and people said I was pretty good. I reckon I could play me in a film," said Harley. "Can't be too difficult to be yourself, can it?"
"It would depend on who you are, I suppose," replied Ivy, hailing a cab.
"You ladies here to soak up the sun?" asked the cab driver as he drove them toward the studio producing the new Batman movie.
"No, we're here to save a guy's life," replied Harley. "See, he's playing my boyfriend in a movie, and my boyfriend ain't too happy about it. So we're gonna try to convince him to call it off before my boyfriend puts a bullet in his head."
The cab driver was silent. "I'd like to say that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard someone say in my cab, sweetheart," he said to Harley. "But it ain't."
"Yeah, L.A.'s a real exotic town," said Harley, nodding.
"And the weather is nice," agreed Ivy. "Much better than in Gotham. You sometimes forget what the sun looks like, living there. I mean, from the impression you get of it, most people probably think it's just perpetually night."
"Oh, you're from Gotham?" asked the cab driver. "That explains it, then. L.A.'s pretty crazy, but it ain't got nothing on Gotham. We got costumed freaks here, but they ain't violent or homicidal."
"They just don't know what they're missing," replied Harley, shrugging.
They were dropped off at the gate to the studio. Harley strode up to the guard. "Hi. I'm Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend…" she began.
The guard looked at her. "You're Mr. Harker's girlfriend?" he asked.
"Um…yeah," lied Harley. "Yeah, and I just need to see my puddin' real quick, if you don't mind."
"And I'm with her," added Ivy.
The guard looked from one to the other, and then shrugged. "Well, I don't question Mr. Harker," he said. "He's pretty dangerously unstable at the moment. Method actor, y'know. Must be pretty intense being in a relationship with him, sweetheart."
"You have no idea," muttered Harley as they entered the lot.
They looked around to see a camera crew filming a scene nearby. A girl and a guy were tied to a chair by several oil drums, and the director was shouting some directions.
"There he is!" exclaimed Ivy, pointing over by a trailer. Edward Harker was standing speaking to a group of fellow actors, still recognizable despite the clown makeup he was wearing. "God, he's still hot even dressed as the clown," sighed Ivy as they went over to him. "That's talent."
"…you think it's drugs that makes him crazy? I'm thinking of going for the whole heroin addict angle…" Harker was saying as they approached.
"Um…Mr. Harker!" interrupted Harley, waving at him. "Hi…um…can I have a word?"
Harker looked up, puzzled. "Excuse me," he said, breaking away from the group. "Er…hello, ladies. Can I help you?"
"I'll say, handsome," murmured Ivy, grinning at him.
"Hi, Mr. Harker…um…this is a little difficult to explain. Can I just say first of all, we're huge fans of your work," said Harley.
"Your work and…just you. Y'know," added Ivy.
"Oh…thanks, that's very flattering," replied Harker. "It's always nice to meet fans. But I'm actually about to shoot a scene…"
"Yeah, about that…" said Harley, slowly. "Think you might wanna refrain from shooting stuff unless you wanna get…y'know…shot."
He looked blankly at her. "I'm sorry, Miss…"
"It's Quinn. Harley Quinn," said Harley. "And this is Poison Ivy."
"My friends call me Red, handsome," murmured Ivy. "And I want us to be very good friends."
He stared from one to the other. "You mean you're…actresses? I didn't think either of your characters were in this movie…the director said you were a little too…"
"No, no, I mean we're the real Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy," interrupted Harley. "From Gotham City."
"A little too what?" demanded Ivy suddenly.
"Um…I forget his exact words," said Harker.
"Well, give me the gist," snapped Ivy. "What, doesn't he think we're serious enough for a dark, gritty version of Batman? Harley's in an abusive relationship, for Christ's sake – you can't get more dark and gritty than that!"
"Just let it go, Red!" snapped Harley. "It's not why we're here!"
"May I ask why you are here?" said Harker. "It's tremendously flattering that you want to support my work, of course…"
"Actually, we don't," replied Harley. "We came here to ask you to shut it down. Mr. J…I mean, the Joker, the real Joker, he's just found out about this whole re-imagining of his character, and he ain't too pleased about it. And when Mr. J ain't too pleased about stuff, it doesn't end well for anyone involved."
Harker stared at her. "The Joker…the real Joker…objects to my portrayal?"
"Yeah…objects may not be a strong enough word for what he does," replied Harley. "He went kinda homicidal on the TV, and I think if you ain't careful, you're gonna be next."
Harker's face suddenly broke into a grin. "But…this is wonderful!" he exclaimed. "The actual Joker is disturbed by my portrayal! It means that some aspect of it is the truth! If he's threatened by me, it's more important than ever that I continue with my role, to show the world the real man behind the laughter!"
"No, I don't think it's about truth," replied Harley. "I think it's more about you calling him ridiculous and not relevant…"
"Oh, that," said Harker, waving his hand. "You can't deny, Miss Quinn, that the public is getting a little fed up of extreme personalities. Normal people can't relate to it. I want to give the audience a Joker everyone can see themselves in."
"But…don't that kinda defeat the point?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Ain't Mr. J meant to be kinda special? I mean, he is a genius and all…don't making him relatable take away his mystique a little?"
"Yes, and high time too," agreed Harker. "We don't want people to see the Joker as unstoppable or, God forbid, admirable. We do want him to fail, in the end. We want Batman to triumph over him. But that's no reason not to make him a compelling character. And you can't make compelling characters from dumb gags and cheap tricks. You have to make them deep, complex…"
"Mr. J is plenty deep and complex!" snapped Harley. "No reason you can't be deep and complex and funny too! What's the point of the Joker if you take away the funny, I'd like to know! Why don't you just create a whole new antagonist for the Bat – Lord knows there are a million of 'em! Some kind of anarchist, drug-addicted terrorist! Call him…I dunno…Terrorman! But that ain't Mr. J!"
Harker stared at her, and then smiled. "My dear Miss Quinn, you are a Godsend!" he exclaimed, grabbing her hands. "Who knows the Joker better than you? No one! You have a unique insight into his twisted, disturbed mind and persona! Would you mind terribly if I asked you to stay a few days so I can consult you? I just feel the need to completely inhabit this character, and you are the only one who can help me with that. And I appreciate your warning, really, but this is the role I was born to play, and I will play it. The threat of danger only makes the incentive stronger. This is a version of the Joker the world needs to see. The abuser, the helpless, dependent shell of a man. You must tell me all about him as he truly is, Miss Quinn. Please."
"I…um…I dunno, Mr. Harker…"
"Edward, please," he said. "Or Eddie, if you prefer."
"All right…Eddie…" said Harley, slowly. "I…um…wouldn't feel that comfortable sharing private information about Mr. J. And I really wouldn't feel comfortable letting you continue with this film when I know Mr. J is after your blood…"
"Harley, a word with you alone," said Ivy, grabbing her arm and dragging her away. "What are you doing?!" she hissed. "Edward Harker is asking us to stay with him so he can consult us! Even if you have no interest in him, I do, and I'm not leaving without results!"
"But Red, Mr. J…"
"One of us can stay with him to protect him from J," interrupted Ivy. "I volunteer. Anyway, the guy's got body guards! And he's clearly the determined type! He's not going to be talked out of this! Now just say yes or I swear to God you won't survive the plane ride home!"
"O…K," agreed Harley, slightly unnerved by the look in Ivy's eyes. She returned to Harker. "Um…Eddie…yeah, that'd be great. We'll go find a hotel…"
"Oh no, ladies, you'll be staying at my hotel," he insisted. "I need you on hand if I need to get into character at short notice. If you want to stay and watch the scene, I'd appreciate any feedback you have, and then we'll go. And thank you both. I'm so grateful."
"Anytime, Eddie," sighed Ivy as he walked off.
"This is a bad idea, Red," murmured Harley as they watched the scene. "Mr. J ain't gonna like this. Not one little bit."