Chapter Two
I didn't sleep the rest of the night.
I was nervous about what I would be doing by bringing it up, but I knew it had to be done. Edward was hardly ever around anymore, so I didn't have to worry about him so much yet, but Jasper was around nearly all the time. He had front row seats to my agony.
I left my room the next morning, feeling particularly irritable this morning. Unlike the morning before, I was having none of Emmett's playfulness. Jasper wasn't in the room yet, and neither was Alice. I didn't want to go hunt them down, so I waited.
"My, you're grumpy this morning." Emmett pointed out, and I didn't bother replying. Staring at the rug under my feet. I just wasn't up to playing or talking.
He finally entered the room, my eyes finding him as his eyes found me. He was the only one that could ever possibly know what kind of person I was by feeling everything I felt. He stood back by the door, Alice looking quizzically between Jasper and I. He could tell, most likely by the way I felt, what my intentions were.
"Can I talk to you?" I asked, my eyes still on him, "It's important."
He gave me a nod, understanding in his eyes. He already knew what it was I wanted to talk to him about, and I knew that, but that didn't make it any easier. I wondered how he'd react, or if he'd do what I asked him to.
I stood up, and followed him outside. Onto the front porch as he closed the door behind me. I did my best to steel my emotions, hardening them into something that subtly resembled bravery. It was harder than I thought.
"I won't bother you for long." I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the deck under my bare feet, "I'm sorry I bugged you at all, but I thought I should say something." He waited patiently, "I-I know what your gift is, and I-I wanted to say-"
"I know." He said, and I looked up, "I understand what you're getting at, and I must admit that I'm glad you decided to approach the subject. I've been strongly debating with myself for as long as I've known you whether or not I should say something."
"Don't." I said, shaking my head, "That's why I'm out here. I want to ask you not to."
"I keep waiting for it to level out, but that hasn't happened yet." He admitted, "Leandra, I can't tell you how concerned I am."
"Don't be." I said quietly.
"Let me ask you something." He said, slowly clasping his hands behind his back, "Why would you attempt to hide this from us?"
"Wouldn't you?" I asked in return, "Wouldn't you want to?"
"No." He said, "Concealing emotions that strong is a dangerous thing to do, and I mean that."
"You don't know." I argued, shaking my head as I looked down, "You might feel what I feel, but you don't see what I see. You don't know why I feel what I feel."
"Noted." He told me evenly, giving me a nod, raising my suspicion at the same time. I stayed quiet, shaking my head again.
"I-I-"
"I'm concerned, Leandra." He spoke up again, and I looked up, "About what those emotions are doing to you." He lowered his voice, "It's dangerous. It's reckless to keep quiet about something that powerful."
My suspicion turned into defensiveness, which came forward as both defiance and anger. I recognized that, and I tried to control it, but I wasn't very good at that yet.
"I didn't ask you to stick your nose in." I countered, and his emotions changed. Careful calm, to amused and surprised at my slight snap. He waited, and I looked down, "Sorry."
"I've been meaning to speak to you." He said, giving me a nod, "I'm going to speak to Carlisle about this."
"You don't get it." I said, nervousness stealing my breath, "You can't do that."
"I think I can imagine." He replied quietly, "Leandra, you have no reason to-"
"You have no reason to talk to him." I snapped, "I can handle this on my own. I don't need you or anybody else ratting me out."
"Oh?" He asked skeptically.
"Oh." I replied firmly, "Jasper, I mean it. Please don't say anything."
"Leandra, I strongly believe your problems with others stem directly from that tangled mess you call your emotions. If we could just talk with you about them-"
"No." I shook my head, "I don't want-"
"You can be helped." He said firmer now, "I've kept it to myself for far too long, and I'm afraid that the longer I do so will only hurt your chances of recovering."
"You're not getting it!" I hadn't meant to raise my voice that much, but it didn't phase him a bit.
"Calm yourself." He told me, and I shook my head.
"I don't want you to tell anyone." I took a breath, "Don't say anything-"
"If you don't speak to Carlisle yourself, I will." He nodded again, "I believe it's for the best."
"No!" My voice echoed around us, and that even surprised me a bit.
"What on Earth is going on out here?" Esme opened the door, and I immediately shut up. Glaring up at Jasper for a moment before storming back into the house. Passed Esme, straight through the living room. Passed Emmett and Alice, and into my room.
That was exactly what I didn't want. I didn't want to talk about my stupid emotions. I didn't want anyone else to know how I felt, and I certainly didn't want anybody asking me why I felt the way I felt. He wasn't listening to me.
Infuriating!
Without even wanting to, I started to cry.
Carlisle was working, so I knew I didn't have to worry about it just yet. I'd never spoken to any of my family like that before, and almost immediately, I felt bad. They didn't deserve to be treated like that. Other people, sure, but not them.
So after giving myself a few hours to calm down, I tried again.
"May I speak now?" He asked once I stood in front of where he sat in the living room. Sheepishly, I nodded, "Now. I understand the fact that you're afraid."
"I-I-"
"Leandra." I fell silent again, biting my lip, "I know you're afraid, and I have a pretty good idea why, but I can promise you that there's no need for it. You have your reasons for denying it, and I have my reasons for insisting that you don't."
I waited, and he waited. I wanted to make sure he was done speaking before speaking. Giving a glance around at the others witnessing this. Alice and Esme sat together on the couch, Emmett standing near the stairs. Having been heading that way when I came out.
"Trust is something you need to learn, Leandra." Jasper spoke again, quieter now, "I understand completely that you choose to keep your experiences hidden, and that's only natural. We're not asking you to come right out and say everything all at once, because I do understand how scared you are. All I'm asking of you is to not be so closed off. Work with Carlisle, work with me. Sort through these emotions, as that's the only way you're ever going to heal."
"You don't understand." I mumbled, shaking my head, "Working with my emotions, like you're telling me to do, isn't possible without killing someone."
"That's exactly why you need to do it." He didn't doubt me, "You hate. I feel that, but I will not allow you to become what you're determined to become. Am I clear?"
"You don't know everything." I shook my head again, my tone as respectful as I could make it, "Jasper, I'm scared, because I don't want to try working with emotions. I don't want everyone knowing how bad of a kid I am-"
"Stop right there." He said, sitting forward. I looked up, meeting his stern gaze, "Repeat that?" I was thrown off for a second, "The last thing you said."
"I don't want everyone knowing how bad of a kid I am?" I asked, confused.
"Why?" He asked, and I lowered my gaze again. I fell silent, choosing not to answer, "That is also what we need to work on."
"I can't do this." I mumbled after a moment, sighing as I went to leave the room again.
"Wrong again." He caught my wrist lightly, "Leandra, come here. Just hear me out for one moment." As hard as it was to do, I did as he asked. Slowly letting him lead me back around to stand in front of him, "You've been told practically your entire life how horrible of a person you are. You've been told you're worthless. Nothing. Did you like hearing those things?" I shook my head, "Use your words."
"No." I mumbled, "I didn't."
"Then tell me." He said, "Please, enlighten me. Why would you ever say those things to yourself?"
"Because it's true." I replied immediately, glancing up and meeting his gaze, "I don't like to lie. To anyone else, or to myself."
"Leandra, telling yourself that you're worthless is the biggest lie you could ever tell."
"Yeah, I have this stupid gift, but that's all." I mumbled, "It's not proving very helpful these days, is it?"
"Is that why you're here right now?" He asked, "Because your gift is so stupid?" I didn't know what to say to that, looking back down, "You are not worthless, Leandra, do you hear me? I'll tell you that every single day from now until the day you die if that's what it takes, but you're not worthless. You're priceless."
"You're wrong." I replied immediately, "You're lying to yourself. You're lying to me."
"No." He said firmly, "I'm not."
"You wouldn't say that if you knew everything." I mumbled, "None of you would."
"Then convince me." He challenged, "Convince me how worthless you are, I dare you. I can guarantee you right now that you can't."
"Wanna bet?" I asked bitterly.
He laughed once humorlessly, "Sure." I didn't like the challenge. I'd been trying to call his bluff, but he wasn't bluffing.
"I can't do that." I finally said.
"I know you can't."
"Because I can't tell you all the reasons why." I clarified, stepping back and sitting on the couch with a sigh.
"Absolutely none of those reasons are your fault." He told me, "Not one of them." I stayed silent, keeping my eyes down, "I feel that, you know. The doubt, how skeptical you are. You don't believe me." I shook my head. I didn't. Why should I?
"Let me just take a random guess here." He said, "You won't believe me until you fight up the courage to tell me what's really bothering you. Am I right?" I hesitated, until I nodded, "And until that happens, until I know, you're going to keep treating yourself like this?" I nodded again, "Perhaps even after. In your mind, you think that I can't possibly know what I'm talking about, because I don't know all the small details. The little things that all pile together to make one, very big thing."
I grew nervous at just his slight mentioning of all of the little things. A cold, sick feeling clawed its way into my stomach, and I kept my eyes down. My heart sped up its rhythm, and he fell silent for a moment.
"Not to understate any of the other's pasts, but Leandra, we all have our fears." He told me, "We all have things in our pasts, but I do believe yours may be bigger than all of ours. You're right, I don't know everything, but I don't need to know all of it to know that you aren't worthless. Do you understand?"
I only shrugged. Agreeing to disagree. He studied me closely, watching as I began to calm down. He was moving away from the subject.
"This is very concerning to see, to say the least. I think if anyone is minimizing this whole thing, it's you." I looked back up, both confused and offended, "You don't realize just how serious this issue is. You don't understand, not fully, what this is doing to you."
"Bet me." I felt my tone was sharp, and it almost hurt me to use that tone.
"The experiences themselves do frighten you, it's true." He clarified, "But you can't see what you're becoming-"
"Bet me."
"Because if you knew, if you had any idea, you'd do all you could to stop that from happening." He continued, "It's not something you would take lightly, Leandra. Do you want to turn out that way?"
"No." I said, my tone much less sharp now, "I don't, but I can't see a way to change. I don't like the way I am. I don't like it, because it scares me, but I can't fix myself."
"Not with that way of thinking, you can't." He said, "The problem isn't what happened before. Not entirely, anyway. It does have its role in this, but the problem right now is your way of thinking right now. You already believe it's hopeless. You've given up. The first step is changing that."
He paused, watching me.
"Forgive me, but I need to press." He murmured, and I slowly looked up, "Right now. That thought in your mind that's making you feel this way. What is it?"
"Nothing." I replied instantly. Bold faced lie, I knew he knew. A memory had chosen that moment to remind me of its presence, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep myself from feeling the familiar fear.
He gave me a look, and I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see it. Hanging my head, I bit my lip.
"Do what you want." I finally sighed, standing, "But just because you tell everyone in the world doesn't mean I'm ever going to be willing to talk about it. I don't care what you, or anybody else says." I left him sitting there as I left the room. This time, he let me leave, and as I looked back, I saw him shaking his head.
He could shake his head all he wanted to. It wouldn't change anything.
Carlisle got home right on time, but he wasn't the only one, so I knew Jasper must have called ahead. Just to give Carlisle a heads up that I wasn't having a very good day.
"Where is she?" I heard Carlisle ask, despite how close his voice was. He knew right where I was, but felt the need to ask anyway. He was worried, clearly, but couldn't make myself want to go through this any more. I sat cross-legged on my bed, my back to the door. Not bothering to turn as it opened.
No matter how many times I saw for myself that it never turned out badly, not once, I couldn't help being just a little nervous at the idea of Carlisle being unhappy with me.
"I didn't want him to tell you." I mumbled, "It's stupid."
"You're not in any trouble, Leandra." Edward's voice surprised me, and I turned. Esme, standing in the doorway with Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper, crossed the room and sat beside me. I was surprised they'd bother to call Edward. Maybe he had come by anyway? He'd been gone awhile, and probably missed the family, but there was also a strong possibility that Jasper would request his help. Especially given what I told him earlier about not being able to see what I saw.
They really needed all three of them here? Esme was probably just there for moral support as I slowly pieced it together. I didn't like the feeling of being cornered I got. I'd expected just Carlisle coming in to talk to me. Maybe Jasper, but Edward being there intimidated me. I struggled hard to focus my thoughts on something boring.
"You told me you weren't willing to talk about it." Jasper murmured, and I turned again, "Now, you won't specifically have to." My eyes narrowed, glaring at him.
"I won't repeat that." Edward smirked.
"You don't know what you're doing." I warned Jasper, shaking my head, "You don't know what you're asking me to say."
"I'm not asking." He said, shaking his head also, "I've only mentioned to Carlisle how this is going to go, and he's here to support you just as much as Esme is. I'm only pressing you as far as knowing exactly where your head is at. That's all I'm interested in, okay?" As he spoke, the less edgy I got. Comforted by the thought that he hadn't blabbed everything to everyone. Edward knew what he was talking about, but that couldn't be avoided.
That didn't seem so bad. I slowly turned, looking to them.
"Edward is only here to translate your thoughts if you have trouble." He continued, stepping into the room. Cooperating now, I sighed. Nodding. I looked to Edward, hanging back by the door. His smirk had faded, seeming deeply unhappy now.
I realized quickly why. My guard was down now, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring it back up. My guard was down, and I had trouble hiding how I felt now. He was seeing what I didn't want him to see. I didn't have it in me to try hiding anymore. Not with my cooperation.
"I don't like this." I admitted quietly.
"I apologize, but this is of critical importance." He did have a point there. I just hated being so agreeable.
"Alright." Carlisle sighed, having crossed the room with Jasper, "What is going on?"
"I only want to bring her the first step." Jasper explained, "To show her she has no reason to hold back. I want to know some things, and without her cooperation, that's impossible." Jasper chose to stand while Carlisle sat on the other side of the bed. Listening to what Jasper was saying.
"For quite some time now, it's been my understanding that Leandra has been struggling under some.. Very disturbing emotions, and I believe it's time we attempt to help her through them."
"Disturbing?" Carlisle asked, concerned. I grew nervous yet again, looking down as Jasper nodded. Carlisle was confused by Jasper's very accurate use of the word, because he didn't know just how accurate it was. Jasper glanced to me, but I didn't look up. I wasn't needed yet. If he wanted to speak first, he could do so.
"Normally," Jasper spoke again, "Children tend to have very light emotions. When they're scared, they're scared. When they're sad, they cry. When they're happy, they smile." Carlisle nodded, understanding that much, "And that's the way it's supposed to be."
"Leandra is a completely different story." He said, his tone quieting in his own emotion. Catching my attention, "When she's scared, she's terrified. When she's sad, she's angry. When she's angry, she's furious. When she's happy, she usually shows nothing. She fights the emotion, as if it shouldn't be there. When she's happy, she's scared."
The way he said these things made me listen. He knew. Just like I thought, Jasper did have an idea about how bad this was, but he didn't know why. Carlisle continued to listen, deeper concern crossing his features.
Jasper sighed deeply, "When she's calm, it's the complete opposite. When she's calm, she's not calm. She's always guarded. She's tense, as if she's expecting everything to just fall apart around her." Jasper looked to me now, and I lowered my eyes briefly, "She's not healing, Carlisle. It's only getting worse." He gave a humorless laugh, "I never thought I'd say this, but what her emotions are, I don't even have a way to properly describe them, and frankly, that bothers me. It unnerves me."
He paused, still studying me.
"However," Jasper continued, "One thing I'm happy to say is that when she's concentrating, when she's focusing, her emotions even out, so she does get somewhat of a break now and then. It's taken me some time to learn her behaviors, but the more I learned, the more concerned I got."
"Is this true?" Carlisle asked looking to me. I sighed, and nodded.
"I want to work with her, and get her back onto the track she should be." Jasper spoke up again, "I want to get her to the point where when she feels something, it's how it's supposed to be, and not fought or taken to the extreme."
"How?" I asked, "I've always been this way. For as long as I can remember."
"I believe that's the first step, Leandra." He told me, "Understanding why you feel so many things differently than other people." He paused, "Don't be nervous. That's one you feel often, isn't it?"
"I can't help it."
"I know." He nodded, "Why are you nervous?"
"I don't know." I mumbled in reply, looking down.
"Yes you do." He said calmly, "Why are you nervous?"
"I don't-" I cut myself off. Struggling for the right words. Looking down, biting my lip. Edward was about to speak up, but Jasper held up a hand.
"I want to hear it from her." Jasper murmured, not taking his eyes off me. I took a breath, trying to breathe under the nervousness. I didn't like the pressure.
"I don't want anybody to know." I finally said, and he nodded slowly. He waited, but I didn't say anything else.
"We've gone over this." He reminded me calmly.
"No." I said, "Not that. I don't want anybody to know what I'm hiding from."
"You're hiding from it?" He asked, and I nodded, "Why?"
"Because." I answered, not offering anything else.
"You have no reason to."
"Yes I do." I said, "I don't like seeing it."
"Seeing what?" He asked, slowly finally sitting. I didn't want to say it. I was resisting again.
"Everything." I mumbled, biting my lip again.
"I'm going to need an example, Leandra, because I don't understand what you mean." He said, and I fell silent again.
"It's okay, sweetheart." Esme offered, and I glanced to her.
"Everything, as in your memories?" Jasper finally asked, and I nodded. Grateful he said it for me, "Okay. Fair enough." I sighed, "Those are yours. I'm not asking you not to-"
"I have to." I said, "You asked why I was nervous." He listened now, "You asked why I was nervous, and it's because I'm trying to hide from everything, but I can't do that, because you're wanting to know why I feel like I do. It's everything."
I was getting upset, and I struggled to stop. I kept my gaze on his.
"You have no idea what I live with." I murmured, "And trust me, you don't want to. I just want to pretend none of it ever happened."
"Right now," He said firmly, "What are you thinking about?" And Jasper asking that, immediately shoved my thoughts too far in the wrong direction. Where I'd been resisting their progression before, they slipped before I could. One memory in particular, and it was very dark in the memory. The words Jack told me echoed, but the silence echoed louder.
Just one glimpse, a few seconds to look, was enough.
"This man shouldn't be allowed to live." Edward's comment took our attention, and I'd never heard him speak that way before as my eyes found his. He was angry. Struggling, it looked like, to fix his emotions like I did so often. I'd been there. I sat there, stunned, watching as he shook his head and turned. Leaving the room.
"Excuse me." Carlisle stood up with an urgency I felt, following Edward.
"Leandra." Jasper murmured, bringing my attention back to him, "What did he just see?"
Instead of answering him, I stood up and followed Esme from the room. Hiding behind her as she stopped just inside the living room. Closer to the hallway. Peeking around her at Carlisle standing between Edward and the door in the living room, keeping him from leaving with both hands up in a calming gesture.
"No." Edward was saying, "No. No, you don't."
"I know, Edward, but-"
"Because if you knew, if you had any sort of idea, you'd be just as angry as I am. You'd be just as sick, and you'd be just as hell bent on ridding the planet of someone like Jack as I am." Each emphasis on his words to describe how he felt made me flinch, "I understand your policy, Carlisle, but this man doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve the breath it takes to keep him alive."
There was a heat behind his words that I hadn't heard from my family yet. A sharpness that I felt. An almost threatening growl, a snarl in a muted tone that scared me. I could hear his struggle to keep his voice quiet, but I could still clearly hear every word he said.
"This would be difficult." Carlisle told him firmly, "You knew this when you volunteered, and you promised you'd try."
"I stayed standing there as long as I could, Carlisle, but you clearly don't understand just what this girl thinks about each moment she has the opportunity to." Edward's voice was still a growl, "The things that cross her mind before she can stop them? It's torment. Torture. You know that she's okay. Physically, she's alright. You know that much, but so often, she wasn't-"
"Edward." Alice spoke up, stopping him before he could say any more, and it got quiet.
I had hidden my face into Esme's side, unable to keep the quiet sob from escaping. Esme hugged me gently, softly comforting me. I flinched slightly at the sound of the front door closing sharply. My first thoughts, of course, were that I'd chased him away.
"I'm sorry." I whimpered, "I-I tried. I-I didn't mean to-"
"It's not your fault, Leandra." Jasper told me as he passed, "Not in the least. I'll go find him."
"Thank you, Jasper." Carlisle told him quietly as he left. Closing the door a lot gentler than Edward had. I sniffled, looking back up. Looking around, I could see that everyone had witnessed that. Not just us. I'd only chosen that moment to look around, too focused on Carlisle and Edward before to look around.
Bella stood silently with Alice beside her, both of them looking down. If I wasn't embarrassed enough, that really did it. Emmett and Rose stood on the stairs, Rose's arms crossed as if she were really upset, and Emmett talking to her quietly.
Finally, I looked to Carlisle. He seemed concerned, but not angry as he looked to me, and then up at Esme.
"I think I'm beginning to get more of an idea about what we're dealing with." He was speaking to Esme, but I looked down shamefully.
This was what I didn't want.
I didn't want this, because I knew someone was bound to find me disgusting. Leave it to the one person who actually had just now witnessed what it was like when I couldn't control my thoughts to tell it like it was. Edward also had to know that that was nothing compared to what else I had stuck in my mind.
He had almost always been out with Bella, which had made it easier on me, and normally, Jasper didn't drop my guard like that. I'd always had control before. Today, I didn't, and today, I chased him away. That was a very depressing thing.
I whimpered, hiding my face again. How gross must I be to Edward? I was humiliated.
"I told Jasper not to push." I sniffled, turning and heading back for my room. I was upset, but not angry.
"Honey." Esme murmured sadly behind me, but I didn't stop. I just wanted to be left alone. That kind of reaction was exactly what I had been afraid of.
I didn't even bother to close my door behind myself. Laying across my bed with a soft, quiet sob. Holding a pillow to myself, I knew I'd been followed. I didn't turn. I didn't look, too upset with myself.
"I want to explain something." Carlisle had been the one to follow me, "Edward's reaction wasn't directed at you, Leandra."
"Yeah, right." I sobbed quietly, "I'm such a horrible person, he couldn't stand to be around me. I can't blame him. I don't blame him, but it hurts."
He sighed, and I felt the bed dip as he sat beside me.
"He's always been this way." Carlisle explained, "He's always been the type to need to stand up for those who can't always stand up for themselves. Seeing those things in your mind, Leandra, it hurt him. It bothered him deeply, because he knows that despite the way we all feel, he can't be the one to.. Well, solve the problem."
"Nobody knows where he's at." I pointed out after a moment.
"Yes, that's a good portion of the reason." Carlisle allowed, "But even if we were aware of his location, he couldn't." I laid quietly now, sniffling, "There was a time when Edward would have dealt the punishment without a second thought, but.." He trailed off, stopping himself.
"So.." I mumbled, rolling over to look at him, "He's mad because you wouldn't let him kill Jack if he could?"
"We don't want him to turn into that kind of person again." Carlisle reasoned, and I nodded, "It's been awhile since he's been that determined, though. He really doesn't usually act that way. So no, Leandra. His reaction to what he saw wasn't directed toward you. He was angry at all you've had to go through, and he's angry at the fact that he can't do anything about it."
I took a deep breath.
"He'll be back, Leandra." He assured me, "When he's had a chance to calm down, and think clearly, he'll return."
"I really didn't mean to make him mad." I said, "I'm usually really good at hiding stuff like that when he's around, unless I'm sleeping. Then I can't help it, but what Jasper did kept me from hiding it this time."
"That was his goal, Leandra." He replied, and I sighed.
"I kind of figured that." I mumbled, "But maybe now they'll believe me when I say they don't want to know." His expression softened.
"It's important for you to talk about these things, Leandra. Otherwise it'll only be harder on you."
"It won't be any easier to talk about those things." I said, "All it does is hurt other people. Like today. I didn't even have to say anything, and I made Edward leave. No matter what the reason was."
"I don't want you to feel that you have to hide things from us." He said, "I want you to feel that you can come to us for anything."
"I can." I nodded, "But.." I trailed off, "I mostly hide it for myself. Do you know what I mean? Like.. Just thinking about thinking about them scares me. Trying to push myself to think about those things is impossible right now, because I sort of block myself." I paused, "It's hard to explain."
"I think I understand." He assured me, "And Jasper isn't meaning to push you passed your comfort zone."
"I know." I nodded a little, "He's worried. Everyone is. I am too, but they should be." He waited, listening, "They should be worried." I took a breath, holding it for a moment before I sat up, "Last time, I wasn't this bad. It's still hard to see anything else, not yet, but I know that last time, I wasn't like this. Sure, I was angry and stuff, but I wasn't this bad of a kid. Last time, I didn't want to kill or hurt people the way I do now."
"I see your concern." He told me gently, and nodded.
"I can't see ahead like I should." I said, "Like.. It was one big vision, during that dream, and now I'm just trying to play catch up." He nodded, "I guess it's just hard, you know? Trying to handle everything. Comparing how much worse I am now to back then, and still trying to figure out what exactly made me so much worse."
He sat quietly, listening. As if just being there, listening to me think out loud was plenty for him.
"Last time, Jack didn't have a chance to get away." I mused, "Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because he is still out there somewhere, and I'm always scared. Maybe it's because last time, I had to go with my mom."
"Really?" He asked, interested. That was a new detail. I nodded.
"Yeah." I replied quietly, "Last time, I had to leave here, because she wanted me back, but this time, since she's with Jack, nobody knows where she's at. I didn't even hate her then. Not like I do now."
I paused, going quiet for a moment.
"I can't remember everything at once." I said, "Like.. It's a mess in my mind right now, because I'm trying to remember parts of the vision, but I have to hide from the memories. It's hard to look only far enough this way, until I have to stop and turn around." I paused, "I'm probably confusing you."
"Try this," He murmured after a moment, and I looked up, "Don't try. Don't attempt to find any answers yet."
"But it helped a lot a few months ago, didn't it?" I asked, confused.
"Yes, but right now, it's not helping." He replied gently, "If you need time, take it. Don't attempt to find anything, and perhaps that's what you need to sort through things."
"I wish it was that easy." I looked down, "Just like today. Um.." I hesitated, not sure if I should bring it up, "I don't want you to think I'm crazy."
"Of course not." He told me immediately.
"Well, sometimes, when I'm just sitting there, I remember stuff. When I'm not thinking about anything, I have these.." I paused, "I don't know. I guess these day nightmare sort of things, and I can't control them. I just remember something, and I get scared like I was in the memory." He nodded slowly, understanding in his expression.
"That's going to happen a lot, Leandra." He said, "It's only to be expected."
"So I'm not crazy?" I asked hesitantly.
"Not at all." He said, "You've been through many, many traumatic experiences, and that leaves its mark on someone. Especially those as impressionable as children."
"Oh." I mumbled, looking down. Surprised.
"I'd say you're right where you should be." He said, "It isn't ideal, and I know how much this is bothering you, but something like this really takes time to recover from. It takes patience, and it takes work, but I can tell you right now that you're strong enough to do this."
"I hope you're right." I whimpered, "Because this really sucks."
"You recognize that you're not supposed to be this way, and that's the one major factor here." He said, "That shows promise."
"It does?"
"It means you do still have some sort of a moral sense." He explained, "Many people, many children especially who have gone through what you've gone through lose that. They lose that moral sense, and they don't get it back, but you still have one, and that's good. That's a very good thing, Leandra." He was showing me the positive side of this, which was helping.
"The fact that you struggle with this, as concerning as it is, is a good thing. It means you haven't lost that moral sense, and it tells me that you can recover." I nodded a little, looking up at him, "It's if you ever stop struggling with it that we need to truly worry."
I looked back down, studying my hands. It was good to get an insight on how I was feeling. Someone to explain the way I was, and to tell me that it was normal.
"Is that why you haven't been mad at me for what I do?" I asked, and slowly he nodded.
"Partially." He allowed, "Because I do understand that it isn't your fault."
"It's not?" I asked, surprised.
"No." He said, "It's not. To be honest, I really wasn't sure at first how I should go about reacting to what you resorted to around the other children, but I could clearly see that what I was witnessing, what you did, Leandra, wasn't a learned behavior. What you did wasn't the problem. It was the result of a problem. I think that's where you're confused. In your mind, right now, you believe that you chose to hit those children. You think, currently, that because of what you did, that it only means that you're a bad kid. That isn't the case. Far from it."
He had my full attention now.
"It didn't take me long to decide that you need patience, and you need guidance, rather than a firm hand."
He paused, gathering his thoughts, "However, I've been concerned for the passed few weeks that patience and guidance weren't working with you, because the entire reason for patience and guidance was to earn your trust. Your recovery is a group effort, Leandra. You need us to try, and we need you to try, and with that, you form a kind of bond that you need."
The way he was explaining this was making sense, and I listened closely. He was giving me an explanation to their part in all of this. Something I'd wondered about. Before, I'd known where I stood, but not where they stood.
"But now, I can see differently. It is working with you, but on a slower pace than I was anticipating before. I do believe that what is keeping you from forming that bond, is the fact that you've known us for a bit longer than we've known you." He explained gently, "You trusted us before, and that's all you've been relying on. You're confused, and that's understandable, because you know that right now is different than the right now in the vision, but I think what needs to happen, is you need to focus on us now. Instead of us then. Understand?"
I nodded immediately.
"That's partially my reason for asking you not to try to see more of that vision." He told me, "I need your focus here now, if you're going to bond. That bond, the one I'm searching for, is something very important to recovery."
I hadn't even thought about this. It really made me realize that he was far more aware of things than I was. He wasn't unaware before. Not at all. He was paying attention.
"That bond, depending on how strong or weak it is, will tell me exactly what has to be done, and if you don't give yourself the chance to form that bond, however weak or strong it may be, I'm afraid we can't do much to help you. Without trust, and without you understanding that you're not in any danger, it'll be difficult to provide you the guidance you need."
"How do I do that?" I asked. I wanted to help him help me, and now that I knew he was so confident I could get through this, it gave me hope, and I was eager now. He smiled a little.
"As I mentioned before, it's a group effort." He answered, "We need you to try, and to want to try. The first step is letting yourself be open to the idea that perhaps we can help you here and now. Once you achieve that, that begins to open yourself to the idea of trust, and with that resulting trust, the bond begins to form. You build up from that base of trust until it's unshakable."
I nodded, letting him know I understood, and he continued.
"You see, I'm still pretty worried." He said, "There are certain factors here that I need to constantly be aware of, and that's keeping in mind your early childhood." I frowned a little, confused. What did my early childhood have to do with anything now?
Seeing my confusion, he decided to explain.
"From the moment you were born, your entire development was based on one thing, and that's to bond. To be given the opportunity to form and keep those bonds you made to someone. In this case, it would have been to your mother and your father."
I nodded, letting him know I understood so far.
"When you were three years old," He continued, "Your father had to leave you. Breaking that bond, because back then, you didn't understand." I looked down, "You were given a replacement. That was hardly much better, but we'll address that in just a second. Your mother broke your bond with her slowly over the years, by essentially abandoning you in your crucial years of development."
This was making sense. I never had an explanation like this before.
"By breaking your trust, she broke that bond and because of that, you grew up reluctant to trust again." He pointed out, "And the only one you had left to effectively build a bond with, something that all children require and look for, was Jack." I still hated the sound of his name, "That was tried, and that was tested until you finally grew old enough to decide it wasn't going to work. Giving up the attempt altogether."
I didn't know what to say to that.
"Now, here we are right now. My concern is this." He continued, "That attachment break, breaking those bonds you needed for a stable and healthy childhood creates something that will be difficult to change." He paused, and I knew he would explain, so I waited.
"It'll be difficult to change, because you have never been shown what it's like to receive the care, and nurturing that you need. Something we're trying to provide for you, but you're resistant. Because you were essentially left on your own at such a very young age, you don't trust. That's why this was such a big change for you." And finally, I understood, "That's why it's difficult to believe that you can talk to us, and that you can ask questions, without the result being pain."
"Yes," He nodded, "The way Jack treated you for so long does have its role in this, but that attachment break, that trust break is directly responsible for why you feel the way you do. It's directly responsible for how hard of a time you have around others. Why you feel insecure in social situations. That is directly responsible for how easily you resort to violence."
"It's not because I'm turning out like him?" I asked, and he hesitated.
"No." He said, "Not entirely. It's difficult to describe the balance right now. I'm sure there are a few of his behaviors you've picked up. However, I believe that the majority of your trouble is that you've developed a reluctance to trust, and because you cannot trust, you cannot bond. That's where we're at right now."
"You were closed before, and now you're beginning to see that it's alright. You're beginning to see that you're just fine where you are, and that's important." He smiled a little again, nodding, "It's a good thing, Leandra. As upsetting as the situation was today, I can confidently say that it was a success."
He was right. I had been closed off before, and I hadn't even realized it. Now that I saw what he meant, I could almost feel how hesitant, but now willing I was to open my eyes enough to see that I was alright. I was okay, and that was the one thing that made me decide to start talking.
I chose a few of the least bad memories, and I told him about them, but choosing a few of the least bad ones took as much of a toll on me as one bad one. It was hard, but I knew he would let me talk. He would listen, and he would tell me that none of what happened was my fault, and none of what happened would ever happen again. Something I needed to hear.
By the time I did manage to make it out of my room, it was easier to do so, because not many people were out there. Only Emmett and Esme were sitting there, talking as Carlisle followed me out.
"Feel any better, shorty?" Emmett asked, and I knew he meant it.
"Not really." I sniffled, "Not yet."
"You will." He said, "Just give it a minute." I hated, absolutely hated admitting those things. It bothered me, but I had chosen to do it. I felt sick after admitting those things, but to my slight relief, Carlisle didn't seem to think any less of me.
I whimpered, leaning against Emmett's arm. He took the hint, hugging me a little. I guess he was careful now. Probably thinking I wasn't up to being hugged after everything I'd admitted to Carlisle just a few moments before, but I was. I wanted to know that somebody beside Carlisle also supported me, and didn't find me as hideous as I found myself.
He must have done something right, because Carlisle gave him a nod. Probably thinking I didn't see.
"You're okay, shorty." He told me, and I found I liked comforting Emmett just a little more than joking-around Emmett.
A/N: And chapter two.
It was pretty tense, but that's what happens when you're stubborn. Dammit, Leandra.
Thank you to my reviewer on chapter one. :D Thank you, thank you, thank you! :D
Chapter three is also pretty much written out, and shouldn't take long to be released. Perhaps today? Who knows. ;D But I do know that in chapter three, we move on. We get to the good parts lol
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to getting three out to you guys soon.
Until three, my friends. :D