It had been a few weeks and there had been no response, no reply from him. Around fifty missed calls and a couple hundred text messages later he had dropped it. He knew Hide was alive and well and he should have been happy and accepting of just that. He knew it hadn't been fair of him to give up so quickly, but pride and selfishness were his dominating traits and knowing he wasn't wanted left him a conflicted mess.
It wasn't supposed to hurt as much as it did but he couldn't control how he felt. He couldn't help feeling betrayed and he couldn't help the emptiness that had spread through his chest after being greeted with cold beds and insincere smiles- and he couldn't help feeling stupid for having expected anything else from his life.
He turned away from the now clean table and returned to the till, plastering on his best smile and waiting for the next customer to arrive.
His days had taken on a surreal quality, contrasting sharply from his previous adrenaline filled; scary life, which he was sure would have led him to a worse sort of hell.
The bell rang, and he looked up ready to greet the next customer.
The job was easy, the pay was good. His workers gave him a wide berth and he preferred it that way. His manager was kindly enough to not ask him questions about his past and supplied him with a free coffee.
He couldn't really ask for better circumstances could he?
Could he?
It had been a tough decision to leave Anteiku to start work at another coffee shop- it felt like abandoning your team just to join up with the competition- and it added to his list of things he felt guilty about.
And he felt like the list was long enough- he was running out of paper.
Sat on the kitchen floor, his feet felt frozen and everything was cold. A forgotten mug of coffee lay on the counter and the pitter patter of rain was the only sound echoing around his apartment.
He was recalling the time that Hide had spontaneously visited him when they were children- he had found him leant against the cabinets in the kitchen, wanting desperately to sink into the floor. His eyes had been red and puffy from tears and at that point it had felt like his whole world had crashed seeing Hide there.
Who had let him in?
Didn't he know his aunt was there?
It seemed as if Hide didn't have a care in the world, his strong eyes held his firmly when he moved to settle beside him on the floor. He had wanted to flinch away but had been too scared to move. He had held his breath.
Then he had felt those fingertips ghosting around his back, over his shoulder- hesitantly, hesitantly, gently placing themselves around him and wrapping him in warmth.
He remembered sobbing. It had felt like he had sobbed for years and years, but not once had those arms flinched, or moved. They had patiently held him.
Warmed him to his core.
He choked back a sob, dragging his hand down his face.
He wouldn't cry over him.
He couldn't cry over him.
He really shouldn't cry over him. He had promised himself. He couldn't break down over this. He couldn't keep expecting smiles from Hide and a reassurance that yeah, everything would be fine. That Kaneki's fuck up hadn't shattered the only positive relationship from his human life. He couldn't keep hoping. He'd promised…
Too bad he was shit at keeping promises.
He knew statistically it would have happened eventually. He worked in the crowded city of Tokyo and not too far from his old university and he knew he had to take it all in a stride and not act like he had been drenched with a bucket of ice cold water in the icy weather.
But seeing him looking so happy with a group of people he didn't recognise was more heart wrenching then he would have thought. These were the people Hide used to leave in a heart beat for him.
How could he have been so blind?
He didn't fail to notice that there was a weakness to Hide that hadn't been visible before. He wished he could actually talk to him.
He had been so fortunate.
Now he was just so lonely without him.
All his fears coming true one by one and the biggest one was staring him in the face like it was supposed to be an award worthy joke.
He knew that Hide knew that Kaneki knew he was working there and honestly it just hurt more when his eyes slid over him without a second thought. And he shakily made coffee trying to act as if the briefest eye-contact hadn't set him ablaze.
He had ducked behind the coffee machine to stay as far away from him as possible. He hated the blatant ignorance more than anger and he just was still in denial of the fact that he had disgusted Hide to such an extent. It was expected but it was so painful, and his heart felt like it was being clawed at.
A loud laugh he would recognise anywhere echoed through the café and he dropped burning hot water over his hand, flinching. And when the coffee was made and placed on the tray he left to ask one of his co-workers to deliver it. She shot him a look that he ignored in favour of exiting to the supply closet.
He didn't notice the pair of brown eyes glued to his back.
Closing the door behind him, he slid to the ground, taking in a shuddering breath.
Then he broke down crying.
He didn't know how this had happened. He had been walking towards his job, the day being drearily monotonous as it was everyday, the icy rain only adding to the bleak atmosphere. Suddenly there was running, and screaming.
And more screaming and oh God, he had felt himself freeze because there was blood everywhere. And it was more than enough to make him feel sick.
Sick at himself, because he could feel himself salivating at the inviting smell that hit him like a brick wall.
And he was just turning away from the scene to leave, call his manager and make a terrible excuse and take the day off wallowing in self-pity. But something grabbed his leg. His knee-jerk reaction was to kick out but he somehow refrained himself- and thank God he did- turning to see there was a child there. Clutching his trousers like a lifeline, her face tear-streaked and red and he could feel his heart sinking.
And somehow before he knew it he was pulled into a whole story with ambulances, and hospitals and the little girl who he was starting to confuse with Hinami was dragging him along. It turned out that her mother had been in an accident, an unfortunate hit and run and it also turned out that Hinami 2.0 had grabbed onto him and since they couldn't find her official guardian he had decided to act as one.
She was leaning against his shoulder three hours later, sitting on the uncomfortable grey chairs in the waiting area and he couldn't get the smell of antiseptic out of his nostrils.
He decided that hospitals made his skin crawl. Anything remotely medical did. Not to mention it reminded him with his run in with death as well as his lovely patron angel, Doctor Kanou.
His eyes wandered past the reception, which seemed to be the only thing in the whole area that wasn't on the white, grey, black spectrum. Open doors, showing sad people, sick people, hopeless people.
He yawned again, the girl shifting against him and he wanted to reach out and tell her to relax, but he was too anxious to sound domineering. He kept his mouth shut and kept his body relaxed hoping it was comfortable enough for her.
He wanted to close his eyes, rest a little but the bright white lights burned through his closed lids like a punishment. So he sat still, waiting for any news on this girl's mother. The girl who seemed to have no other relative other than her mother.
It wasn't long before he felt himself dozing off, Hinami, as he had dubbed her, already asleep, her lithe body almost curled around him.
"I'm afraid it seems like it's getting worse, the lethargy is normal and we'll increase the dosage on your medicine but it does seem to be progressing quite quickly."
Hopeless people indeed.
"There's absolutely nothing you can do?"
His eyes shot open and he could feel his head spin around fast enough to give himself whiplash.
"I'm sorry Nagachika-san, it's terminal."
There was silence and he could feel himself freezing.
"I understand." Hide nodded, looking so utterly normal in his usual bright clothing that it hurt his head. He was struggling to process what he had heard.
He could feel his ears ringing, and he was shocked out of his frozen state by a doctor placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Kaneki san?"
From the corner of his eye he could see Hide's head whip around to see him much in the same fashion his own had done.
"Kaya's mother seems to be in stable condition, we've contacted her aunt and she will be flying over as quickly as possible. In the meanwhile we'll take care of her," she continued on to explain procedures and how helpful he had been and he nodded numbly.
He could see Hide turning to leave, seemingly done with his appointment.
The words terminal were running through his head and nothing made sense but it felt like the most clarity he had felt in eons.
Abruptly he got to his feet and somehow forgetting his manners took off after Hide. Hide must have speed-walked out of the hospital because he wasn't anywhere in sight. He blindly took off towards the right and pushing past the throng of people he searched for Hide wildly. And he was nowhere to be found.
Nowhere.
And frustration and helplessness was bubbling through him and he wanted to find Hide no matter what. And he had almost given up hope when he saw a flash of blonde turn the corner across the street. Hastily he darted after his only chance and when turning he saw him in the distance. Stopping at a stop sign, looking restless and red faced. Kaneki pressed his lips together and he was nothing if not determined and he was determined at this moment. He needed to talk to Hide.
He needed to know.
And just as the light turned green for walkers to cross he reached Hide, grabbing his arm before he could take off again. It felt like possibly the boldest move he'd made with his friend- aside from the confession.
Hide seemed to turn to stone beneath him and they stood there for a few heartbeats, the silence deafening, painful, making his stomach turn sharply and he felt like he was desperately trying to catch his breath.
"Kaneki?" He dared to look up and Hide looked so pained, he swallowed uncomfortably.
"We- we really need to talk," he dropped the arm that had been holding Hide back. Hide let out a huff of air.
"Kaneki… I already said no- I'm sorry but-"
"This isn't about my feelings or your obvious rejection Hide." He said sharply, his cheeks reddening from humiliation.
Hide was chewing on his lip and he looked away quickly.
"Fine, let's go talk."
He could feel the anxiety clawing at him and he twiddled his thumbs waiting for Hide to take a seat across from him. There was no reassuring smile on his face and there was no small talk. The walk to Kaneki's apartment had almost been painfully silent. There had been a small surprise: "Oh, you moved," from Hide and then return to their previous stance of celibacy from conversation.
"Comfortable place you have," Hide commented, his tone obviously strained but at least he was making an effort. Kaneki had to stop himself from scoffing because his apartment was bare, no books, no decorations, bare necessities and monotone features.
"Thanks."
Hide shifted uncomfortably.
"What was it that you wanted to talk about?" he asked, his voice dropping an octave and Kaneki had to stop himself from flinching.
"I heard what the doctor said," he mumbled, trying to get straight to the point. Hide exhaled, dropping his head into his hands.
"It wasn't like that," he heard him say, his voice muffled and Kaneki swallowed. "So you're not terminal?" he asked sounding stupidly hopeful- he'd take anything to not believe what he had heard, but reason wasn't ready to start tolerating his fantasies.
Hide dragged his hands down his face, a shaky smile on his lips. "No, I'm not Ken."
That's when he felt his world crashing around him- he couldn't take this. "Stop lying to me Hide." He could feel anxious tears welling up in his eyes and he found himself on the ground in front of Hide, looking up at his face for any sort of reassurance he wasn't lying.
"Please tell me the truth," he pleaded breathlessly.
Just like that Hide's smile fell and his mask with it and he had never looked so small or vulnerable and Kaneki knew that there was no hope. He had to believe what he had heard.
He hadn't heard wrong.
And the feeling of helplessness was wound around him tightly and he didn't know how to react. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to comfort Hide. He couldn't just take him to the music store or Big Girl to make it better. He was completely helpless.
And Hide was too.
And Hide was falling into his arms, pulling him tightly against him and Kaneki realized he had been sobbing- and Hide was comforting him.
And he clutched Hide tighter trying not to think about how this may be their last moment like this.